Can a man really change after committing Domestic violence?

[Aci82]

Last week I was assaulted by my boyfriend during an argument. After he was very remorseful and crying saying he was going to ring the police but I panicked saying no coz I don't want ss involved coz our 5 month old baby boy was there. When he had left the house I ended up ringing police as my face was a mess. He is in the process of anger management classes but I think he needs more in depth help. He has never hit me before we hav just had heated arguments where we both have vicious tongues. This is the first time he has lost it. I honestly think with the right help he could sort himself out. Has anybody ever been assaulted by there partner and stayed with them and things hav been ok? At the mo he on bail waiting for court so he not coming near but police told me he is pleading guilty and holding his hands up admitting he needs more help. I hav decided that after court he can see his son with me and a third party present but before I will let him back in my life properly he has to get counselling, do workshops and stay away from house till its proven to me. I am quiet worried coz ss are going to ring to arrange to come out but surely with me putting procedures in place to protect my children and that he is going to get help that should prove am not taking this lightly?

why do people live like this ?

As a cautionary tale, something happened with ex before we got married.
He was being very jealous, aggressively so, to the point that I really lost it and was offended and slapped him (me, being half his volume). He just grabbed me by the neck and pushed me against the wall.
Nothing horrific, but it did leave some pressure marks.

At the time I had a long think and a big talk with him.

Essentially, he was told if anything like this was to happen again we would be finished.

We got married more than a year later, been married over 10 years and suddenly last year he attacked me again. :-(

I suppose some men may actually be able to change, but if the instinct is there, I don't think it will ever go away.
Like alcoholics, they will be for their lives.

The only reason I don't regret my initial decision is DS, who is the best boy ever.

I was reading an identical story to this in the newspaper today - it was about that Natalie woman from EastEnders. I have to say I thought she was out of her mind. It's too much of a risk, in my opinion.

AnyFucker Thu 02-Feb-12 20:22:17
why do people live like this ?

I think it is one of those things that you only see in hindsight once you have got away from it. If MN had been around 20 years ago, I would have had the balls to run much quicker... but sadly it wasnt, and I had to battle on by myself. My dad had just died, and I didnt want to burden my mum with the shit I was going through. I used to lie in bed at night wishing I wasnt an only child, and wishing I had big brothers who would take me away from it all and kick the shit out of him like he had done to me.

I suspect that the OP is young, and I dont mean that to be derogatory. I know how easy it was to be convinced with lies, smokescreens and flattery when I was in my 20's.. nowadays I am a very cynical and worldly wise sod, who can see a tosser without them even having to speak.. times and fashions may change, abusive men are in every generation.

I thought i could fix my ex after he started to hit me.Four years later i had a fractured skull,burst ear drum,burst c section stitches and a very poorly premature baby who is still paying for his fathers violence 25 yrs later.
I dont care if he can change,why take the risk.

Imperial.. I have my cynical head about that to be honest. He threw a slipper at her... allegedly. I have thrown the dogs squeaky toys (the origin of my name on here) at my husband ... they didnt exactly do much damage..

The speed with which these stories reach the media is the one thing that makes me wonder how much of it is shit blown out of proportion for a bit of attention.. and she is certainly a z lister who craves media attention at any opportunity... it seems to be the age we live in.

Women like Natalie Cassidy do absolutely nothing to help the women in this country who genuinely are victims of domestic abuse.

I hate that too squeaky i know a woman who bleats on about dv cos she attacked her dh and he pushed her over she had no injuries.I have to bite my tongue.

my plaintive "why do people live like this" was in response to OP's admission that the whole relationship is one of high drama, barely-controlled violence (not always controlled) and seeming hatred of one another

when it gets to the point that the hatred is expressed in physical violence towards either partner, it's time to call it a day

when the male partner uses his greater physical strength to terrify someone smaller than them, we excuse it because the female does it too, wrongly

and yet, we persist in relationships like this

why ?

somebody tell my why

< rhetorical >

I know I gob off on Mnet about a lot of stuff.. but I would say domestic violence is my specialised subject unfortunately. It is the one thing I have a sixth sense for, and please, anyone who normally reads my posts on AIBU, and knows what a sarky cow I can be... I will always take DV seriously.. if I post on this subject, I am always sincere, and I really really do know what I am on about. If I can help just one woman get away from an abusive arsehole who raises his fists to her, then I will do what I can.

I see people witter on about such inane shit, and that is quite possibly why I am so scathing at times.. because i really dont think there is anything worse than being terrified in your own home.. anything else... ranty MILs... tantrumming kids... husbands who havent washed the pots... I know, at the time it may seem the most irritating thing in your life.. but the fear of someone walking through the door and punching you in the mouth because they had a bad day.. ... that really puts life into perspective.

Sorry, I know I am waffling a bit now.. but I will honestly say that some threads send a shiver down my spine.. because I can foresee how that relationship will end up panning out... this is one of them.

I have gone to bed some nights after reading a thead on here, and had horrible dreams about my life 15 years ago. If I can help one woman think twice and avoid ending up how I did back then, I consider it worth it when I post and say be careful.

AF, I dunno.. I really dont.

I think as you get older, you get tired of all the drama and the shit. Your mates dont want to hear it.. to some people, the big rows and the making up is some sort of rollercoaster that they thrive on... god knows why.

I have honestly never understood that saying about how the making up after a big row is great... surely it would be better not to have had the big fight in the first place!

Yep we all row, we all bicker.. we all have falling outs and a few days were we are huffy with each other and sarky.. but the walking out.. the almost jeremy kyle like situations... they are not the way to live a happy life..

Some people seem to love drama. They seem to create it. Maybe it makes their lives feel exciting or something.

I hate it.

Regardless of anyone's opinion about Natalie Cassidy, and regardless of whether or not she is an attention seeker, her XP pled guilty to the charges against him.

As I know myself, the call to the police was unlikely to have been made after the first experience of violence. It doesn't matter whether it was a thrown slipper, a punch or even just a menacing threat. Being terrorised by a partner is violence against women.

I hate it too.. I am so glad I am "boring" now... but it took me a lot of years to find that out!!!!

Would I turn back the clock? I dunno.. I could have done without a few of the fuck ups that happened.... but then they have made me the person I am now I suppose.

So sorry for your situation :(

I've a 5 1/2 month old too. I just want some bloody sleep! Poor you with all this distraction from what should be a wonderful time, watching your lovely little baby go through all his firsts! He's no doubt nearly sitting, and I'm sure you're excited to get the weaning started(if you haven't already!)
Take care of yourself and little one, This time you will look back on and cherish. It will be a fonder momory without asshole distraction. And don't be frightened, you will cope fine on your own if you make that choice.

AF - your advice is second to none, however you ask why? Love is blind. And yes - has alot of answering to do.

I hate it too

I have often said on here, I like my calm relationship

I like the fact that I know what mood he will be in when he comes through the door

and even if he is a bit grumpy about something, that it isn't up to me to make him feel better

and that no-one should ever have to tolerate being made to feel like shit, to make some inadequate fuckwit feel better about themselves

I know that, I see it and I cannot ever condone it

which makes me look like a gobby cow too

I do know the answer why really, and it's a very complex one

I didn't want an answer, it was more of a "look beseechingly at the sky" kind of "why?"

a generic why do we do it to ourselves kinda thing

I know you know.. and you know that I know.. I suspect that OP will know one day too...

I hate second guessing like this.. but nothing the OP has written has given me any sort of feeling that this is a one off occurrence...

I dont hate men.. anyone who knows me from my postings will testify to that.. but I hate violent people.. particularly violent men. They dont change.

Sorry OP...

on this we agree, squeaky

I know we dont all the time.. but its never "personal".. honestly.. and I apologise for the comment last week.. it isnt my style to do that normally... post not poster and all that... so again, sorry.

I don't remember a particular comment squeaky (honestly I don't, not being disingenous). I would have given as good as I got.

you say DV is "your" bugbear

I have my own, you can probably guess what it is

on that we will never agree, I think, but there you go

yep.. you gave as good!

probably wasnt helped by the supporting teams that seemed to join in.. lol!

I dunno.. in some ways my view on a certain subject have changed since I joined here, and I have a greater understanding... but I guess I will always just be me.. and even in real life I am a conundrum to many.. I will never fit a stereotype ever.. and I suspect that is what irritates the shit out of some posters who recognise my name, because my opinions are often a bit blunt, and I say exactly what I think... I am no different in real life, and there are times when I should just think rather than speak.. but I have a gob that runs away with me at time...

timeS...

clearly a post key that runs away with me too...

If you reconcile and a while down the line you have a heated difference,would you genuinely feel no fear in standing your ground?
Could you see yourself modifying your viewpoint just to avoid confrontation?Or keeping your mouth shut,as its easier?Perhaps not seeing certain friends or not going out so much?Because you wouldn't want to make him really really cross.
Then you might find its easier to ask his opinion on everything,so you don't get it wrong.And by that time its hard to leave as you don't know how you'd manage alone....
Can you really trust someone who's messed your face up?

Why? Because it is all you know. Because in your understanding of the concept, drama and passion are the same. Because the kind of calm, strong, predictable yet still exciting and long lasting love is false, real relationships just aren't like that. Nobody you know and nobody you have ever known has ever had a relationship like that. Because when things are calm, the atmosphere is uneasy, is this a precursor to good drama, or bad? At least while it's happening you can pretend to have some grasp of what is going on and what might happen next.

I know that you know this, AF, it just seemed.. right to say it. It's not said enough, it's not understood enough. It is almost impossible for anyone on each side to see "how the other half live" (and that's not a class based assumption), unless they experience it, truly, for themselves. Mumsnet helps, but real life experience helps more. It's so hard though, to extricate yourself from all of the drama, family, friends, all of it.