Can a man really change after committing Domestic violence?

[Aci82]

Last week I was assaulted by my boyfriend during an argument. After he was very remorseful and crying saying he was going to ring the police but I panicked saying no coz I don't want ss involved coz our 5 month old baby boy was there. When he had left the house I ended up ringing police as my face was a mess. He is in the process of anger management classes but I think he needs more in depth help. He has never hit me before we hav just had heated arguments where we both have vicious tongues. This is the first time he has lost it. I honestly think with the right help he could sort himself out. Has anybody ever been assaulted by there partner and stayed with them and things hav been ok? At the mo he on bail waiting for court so he not coming near but police told me he is pleading guilty and holding his hands up admitting he needs more help. I hav decided that after court he can see his son with me and a third party present but before I will let him back in my life properly he has to get counselling, do workshops and stay away from house till its proven to me. I am quiet worried coz ss are going to ring to arrange to come out but surely with me putting procedures in place to protect my children and that he is going to get help that should prove am not taking this lightly?

peppermint, I would say yours is an exception to the norm, and also that one of the main factors there would be your partners age.. I do think an allowance can be made for someone younger, than a bloke who the OP is with, who I can only assume is a bit older as he has a child from a previous relationship. It would be interesting and relevant to know if there was physical violence in that relationship too, because if so, then the answer to the OP is that there is most definately a behaviour pattern, and almost 100% guarantee that this is going to happen again.

I dont believe men who carry out repeated violence can change, they can say all the right words, but deep inside them is that trigger for violence which they will always carry.

I agree squeaky. He was very young, and very young in his ways, ifyswim (sheltered country boy!!), I do pick 'em. And it's been such a long journey, for both of us. That's what I'm keen to emphasise. And I was never ever in fear of him either, if that makes sense.

But absolutely, repeated violence is a total no-no.

you need to be apart from him for a very very long time before you can make that judgement.

give yourself at least 12 months apart for him to prove from a distance he is committed to DS, committed to sorting himself out.

his previous bad relationship does not bode well.

I do understand you. I was with someone from 14 to 18, he was a couple of years older, and we had a fairly volatile relationship, arguing and splitting up, getting back together, for the last year or so of it.. and it culminated in him hitting me. I was 5ft, he was 6ft4... absolutely no way I could possibly fight back really.. I tried to tell myself he was genuinely sorry when he was apologising, but I couldnt take away the fear after that, that every time we argued he would hit me, and the trust was gone. I ended the relationship.

We are in touch again now, 25 years later, we chat on FB occasionally, and he has been happily married to the next person he began a relationship with after me, for all this time.. and he has never hit her. Me and him wouldnt have worked.. maybe he did learn from that incident, but I could never have carried on the relationship always wondering if he would do it again.

In my mid twenties I met someone, lived with him, and subsequently found out that his previous relationship had involved a lot of violence, on both sides.. sadly that was part of his character and he hit me. I owned the house we lived in, and it was quite possibly the worst time of my life as the violence just escalated, and I was unable to escape him easily. But I did get away.. I invented a tale about how I was being sent on a course for two weeks.. packed my bags and drove off... I had already made plans to stay with a friend in London, had arranged a company transfer to London, and had sneaked out my photos/valuables/passport etc and any other important small item I needed. I didnt give a toss about anything else in the house. I let it get repossessed. He had threatened if I made him move out, he would have burnt it down with me in it, and I have no doubts he would have tried.. he was an utter psycho. I was shaking like a leaf the day I rang him from my mates back garden in London and told him that I wasnt coming back.. but the relief was amazing.

I heard later from friends that he soon had a new woman, and was beating her up... so no, he was never going to change.

Sorry about all that long post, but I just wanted to point out that I have experience of both... someone who did stop.. and someone who didnt, but for me, one punch would be enough for me to end it.

I can't answer that, because I don't know. But the way you describe the state of your face, I suspect we're not talking about someone losing their rag and pushing you, or barging past you and knocking you in to a door (none of which is acceptable, but not deliberate in the way that punching someone in the face is). I would never trust a man that had hit me. I would spend the rest of my time around him being wary. I'd have one eye on him and his mood at all times. It would be miserable and exhausting. I'd expect the man who had hit me to think it was acceptable on some level, because I stayed. And I think that when you forgive once, you make the second beating easier to dish out. And the third. And the fourth. And all the others until you end up in hospital or the morgue. There will always be an excuse, always a 'sorry', and I'd always expect a next time.

Peppermint pasty - Its really good to hear that things have worked out for the best for you. I really hope this is the start of the recovery process for us too as he is a decent lad. I can totally see where u come from as I was no angel towards him and probably contributed to arguments as much as him. Not excusing wat has done to me but I guess all I can do is sit back, wait till he goes to court and see if he does get the help he say she needs. He was already addressing anger at anger management courses but had only done a couple. I know I hav to put my children first and always will. That is why after his court appearance it will be supervised contact and we will be apart whilst he seeks help. Thanks u have shon light at the end of my tunnel but I know not everyone can be helped. Thanks again for sharing your experience with me.

OP, this was the first time he has hit you, but if he was already having anger management classes, I have to ask, why? Does he have a history of violence? Even if it is against others, then that doesnt bode well.

He has never hit me before but did have a bit of a temper on him during arguments.

Has he ever hit anyone else though?

I would like to re iterate the point that abusers do not have problems with anger. It has nothing to do with anger, and because of that, anger management is irrelevant.

It is to do with control. They have a pathological need to control their partner.

This is usually because of trauma as a child, trauma which may have been a single event, or ongoing circumstances...as in this case.

At the core of an abusive person is fear, real terror. That is at the root of it. And many times, these people are so detached from themselves, that they can't connect to that original pain. Add that, to the effect of society and the ingrained misogyny within society and bingo.

So you see, there is a need for personal therapy to get to the root cause of this, and that clearly, has nothing to do with you OP. Also why there is a need to understand that deep rooted misogyny is completely unacceptable.

Abusive behaviour is a learned coping strategy....that's how fucked up the whole thing is.

I know because I myself have behaved abusively, and after years of therapy I have gone back and saved that little girl who had no other way of dealing with her terror. And why I married two abusive men. And why I refuse to pass this on to my kids.

Please call womens aid for some support.

While the court case is ongoing, use the time to do things to help you deal with your feelings and reactions.
Having DCs together means there will always have to be some connection and you need to start whatever relationship you have with him as a co-parent from a place of strength and strong boundaries.
There is nothing starker as a wake-up call than violence that the relationship is dysfunctional. But you have to do your work and he has to do his as well as keep the DCs out of the situation.
Don't think about the future until after court. Don't make the mistake of believing that if you support him he will change. He may blame you for his sentence, may not. But you became two very different people once violence entered the relationship and you will be two very different people during and after therapy.
Good luck, but don't rush things.

I know it's going to be a long process after court if I decide once he has done therapy etc, if I would reconcile with him. My feelings might completely change towards him as time goes by.

I think people can change but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them while they did it.

I think it definitely makes sense for you two to be apart while he works through his issues.

OP, sorry to ask again, but I do feel it is relevant. You say he hasnt been violent to you before, but has he ever hit anyone else. His ex? his sister? his mother?

It is odd that his family have turned their back on him, and would indicate that he has done something that they were really very unhappy about. A vindictive ex is not usually enough for that, unless there is good reason.

His family just use to take his ex's side over him even after they split. He has never hit anyone just has a temper on him and gets irate pretty easy. I do know his ex smacked him once in the face but he didn't smack her back. When they were going to court to sort access she stopped him seeing baby for 12 weeks yet his family still had contact instead of standing by him saying when he gets access then we will see baby then.

I do know his ex smacked him once in the face but he didn't smack her back.

You probably wont like me saying this, but I dont believe he is telling you the truth. That is a very typical lie that abusive men come out with.

his family still had contact instead of standing by him saying when he gets access then we will see baby then.

Again, I am sorry, but I think that was right. The child has done nothing wrong, and should not be prevented from seeing grandparents or aunts/uncles, on the fathers sides, even if the father is (for some reason) being denied access.

Do you speak to his family at all? I would be very concerned that you are only hearing his side of all this.

No, they do not change.
Yes he has had a hard start to life, so have I and I do not use physical violence, I do not even come close to 'losing it'
He chose to hit you, I think it is something you will have to face. It is possible that his ex-wife dipped in and out of his life with the child because he also abused her.....

Please op, I am very concerned about you. Do you have any family you can talk to about this. Have you asked his family what happened, or has he stopped you from having contact with them. Do his family have a relationship with your child?

I saw the photos when his ex had smacked him and witness statements he was taking to court. I have nothing to do with his family and they hav not seen baby since Xmas. They don't tend to bother with him. I have my family and friends for support also.

In answer to your first question op, no I do not believe they can completely change and stop their behaviour, they can work really hard and modify it somewhat in a new relationship maybe but when the chips are down most revert back to their default mode and lash out again, sorry

I saw the photos when his ex had smacked him and witness statements he was taking to court

What was her side of all this?

I am a cynical old cow I know, but having known some manipulative twunts in my time, I would not put it past one to try and discredit a woman by attempting to turn the tables on her.

If your partner had not been violent to you, and had no anger problems, I would be a lot less inclined to wonder if he was lying, but experience tells me that there are a lot of red flags pointing in this man's direction.

We never spoke coz she was a trouble maker trying to split us up coz she wanted him back. The next door neighbours witness statement said she shouted him to the window then when he walked over she punched him in head thru window. I know he is no angel and has got short fuse but think with help and time away he mite be able to sort his isssues. I guess only time is going to tell.

I very much doubt that he will change. If he wanted to go on a perpetrator's programme he could fine one without waiting for a court to order it. As others have said, anger management is no good for someone like him. It's not about anger, it's about power and control.

Without speaking to Ex you cannot possibly know what has happened and it is not at all unusual for a bullied woman to snap . What had happened before she punched him ? It is quite possible she chose a safe time , with a witness present , to give him a bit of what hed been giving her .

The fact that she enabled contact with his family , while keeping him away from baby , suggests to me she is keen for baby to know its family . I would find it very odd that she had the power to turn his entire family against him .

Also why do you think she is a troublemaker who wanted him back ? In the lundy bancroft book , it is recommended that the ex is contacted to find out about previous violence . And every single one of these abusive men will claim that their exes are crazy bitches who has turned every one against them .