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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need urgent advice for a friend who isn't on mumsnet

30 replies

LovelyLizzie · 01/02/2012 21:50

OK, I'll try to keep it brief.
Friend is around my age, a bit younger maybe? Early forties.
She has managed to get herself knocked up by some guy she met on the internet. This guy is a total player, is on every dating site going.

She's in bits because she doesn't have children. This could be her last chance. The guy is being an absolute arse. She asked him point blank what he wanted to do, whether he or his family wanted to be involved etc. All he kept saying is "lets wait and see" and "I can't tell you now, I have no idea what the future holds, sorry".

The future holds his kid if she waits much longer for a termination.
WTF? This guy is 38. How do I get her to see this isn't a fairly tale? I seriously think she is waiting for prince charming to kick in.
Oh, god.....
thank you
Lizzie

OP posts:

OcarinaOfTime · 01/02/2012 22:01

You don't have to get her to see anything. It's up to her, whatever happens, whatever you think. I am probably being very dense, but I don't really understand what it is that you are asking?

LadyMedea · 01/02/2012 22:04

Get her to go to a counsellor at a pregnancy crisis. She needs professional support to understand her options... Which do include being a single mum.

Original poster

LovelyLizzie · 01/02/2012 22:07

Ocarina, you are not being dense it was probably me. In my mind he wants nothing to do with it but is too cowardly to tell her, which I am trying to get her to see but to no avail
LadyMedea, yes, good advice, thank you

OP posts:

Cherriesarelovely · 01/02/2012 22:07

Well, I don't know your friend obviously but just judging by what you say your friend has several choices, if she wants children she could have the baby and go it alone, she could continue to try to talk to him about being part of the babies life or she could have a termination.

Do you mean that you are worried because she still thinks that he will come good?

Original poster

LovelyLizzie · 01/02/2012 22:10

Yes cherries, exactly. Thing is this guy is so charming that you can get wrapped up in what he isn't saying. How can you say "I don't know what the future holds, sorry" when someone is having your child? I suspect I am so bloody furious that I am not giving objective advice which is why I posted. thank you

OP posts:

AKissIsNotAContract · 01/02/2012 22:11

If she's early 40's and wants a baby she'd be best off keeping the baby and being a single mum. All you can really do is support her whatever decision she makes.

Cherriesarelovely · 01/02/2012 22:14

it is very frustrating to say the least, I do understand your righteous anger on her behalf. Do you think she would be happy to be a single mum?

AKissIsNotAContract · 01/02/2012 22:14

I think the guy is just being honest, he doesn't know if he will be able to be an involved parent. It's better than giving her false hope. She now knows that she can't expect any emotional support. She can still get some financial support from him regardless of how he feels about it.

OcarinaOfTime · 01/02/2012 22:19

To my mind, really he is not a part of this issue (although that's damn easy to say), it's whether your friend wants to have a baby whether or not he is in the picture. LadyMedea does indeed have it bang to rights.

Original poster

LovelyLizzie · 01/02/2012 22:26

Everyone is being really calm and rational which is lovely and what I needed as I'm about to strangle the git.
I don't know if she'd cope with being a single mum. She has no family which is why she was trying to assess whether he or his parents would be involved before she made a decision. I think she is in denial a bit in that if she pops out a beautiful child he will melt and give her a future.
Is it only me who thinks a man in his late thirties who refuses to use a condom then says he doesn't know what the future holds when he gets someone pregnant is an utter twunt?
Sorry for the bad grammar, still steaming a bit

OP posts:

AKissIsNotAContract · 01/02/2012 22:28

I understand your frustration but she chose to have sex without a condom too.

kodachrome · 01/02/2012 22:30

Yes, she should take him out of the equation for now and decide what she wants to do about the pregnancy, taking it that she will be on her own.

If she does keep the pregnancy, and later he decides to be a good involved parent or even a partner to her, then that's good. If not, his loss.

Original poster

LovelyLizzie · 01/02/2012 22:31

Good point kiss, but she's a good mate so I'm not even trying to be objective. Thats what you all are doing for me

OP posts:

BelleDameSansMerci · 01/02/2012 22:34

I had a baby, effectively, alone in my early 40s. It's hard work but it is also wonderful. It's do-able and worth it. I work full time and pretty much used to cover all costs. Her dad is involved and does help out more than he used to both practically and financially but this peaks and troughs.

She has options but she needs to make them for herself, IMO.

BelleDameSansMerci · 01/02/2012 22:34

I mean, with herself in mind, if that makes sense.

BelleDameSansMerci · 01/02/2012 22:35

Or just what Kodachrome said...

Original poster

LovelyLizzie · 01/02/2012 22:36

It does make sense, thank you. This is why mumsnet is great because it's difficult for me to see through my anger at the moment.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 01/02/2012 22:58

Either she wants a baby or she doesn't
There are no guarantees when you have a baby with someone they can leave you /die /whatever

Either she wants a baby with or without him or she doesn't

It isn't easy to go alone from the start but it isn't easy to have babies with someone then a few years down the line you on your own for diff reasons..but few regret having dc

Original poster

LovelyLizzie · 01/02/2012 23:15

thank you Cestlavielife.
The whole reason I'm so angry is she thought she was in a relationship. But now they are suddenly "not compatable".
He has already effectively left her and is saying that he can't make a decision about his or his family's involvement re: contact.
Please forgive my spelling. Most people on mumsnet know I am dyslexic and it gets tedious running it through a spell checker

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 02/02/2012 01:40

She should ask him how many other children he has, I would bet he has atleast one, and where they are and what happened.

If this guy is a player, doesnt use condoms and is so blase about impending fatherhood then you can bet a weeks wages that he has other kids.

I agree with the others that said she needs to take him out of the equation. If she wants the baby then she should have the baby, if she doesnt then she should terminate. She shouldnt make her decision based on what he says or what she hopes he might do.

twange · 02/02/2012 02:55

Just support your friend. Yes he might break her heart and not be there for her in the end, but she will survive to see another day and we can't protect our loved ones from the occasional broken heart can we really?

He might also turn out to be ok in the end.. who knows. Lots of blokes are freaked out by a baby on the way. It's hard to judge how he will be long term on how he's behaving now. And if he doesn't know how he feels, then at least he's being honest and admitting that. Better than someone who says all the right things but doesn't mean it. There might just be hope for him you know

twange · 02/02/2012 02:57

and in the end, if she chooses to keep the baby, she'll have the real love of her life right there with her in her arms

Thumbwitch · 02/02/2012 06:45

If she's in her early forties and wants a child, she'd best hang onto this one, regardless of the situation. She's lucky to have got pregnant at her age as it is, she may never get that chance again, sadly. I was very lucky to get pg at 39 (much wanted) and now, 5 years later, although I have been pg more 3x, they have all miscarried. It's looking more and more like we won't be able to have another baby the longer it goes on - so this could be her last chance as well.

The man sounds like a total loser - so she should just ignore him and the situation with him from now on and concentrate on herself. If she really wants to be a mother, this may be her best shot, regardless of lack of partner/father for the baby - if she can't handle it, then fair enough - but do please let her know that her getting pregnant naturally at her age is a lucky thing. Of course she might get lucky again, but she might not; and the older she gets, the more the "might not" outweighs the "might".

babyhammock · 02/02/2012 07:31

Exactly what thumbwitch said. Also try and get her to see that she WILL be on her own so the sooner she stops pinning over this complete tosser man the better for her and the baby x

SorryMyLollipop · 02/02/2012 09:29

Is she considering a termination to please him/keep him if thats what he says he wants? if she wants a child, this may well be her only hope.
I don't understand why she is considering a termination. Is she terrified of being a single parent? what support does she have?

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