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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you fix this relationship? Or would you leave?

43 replies

SomebodySaveMe · 01/02/2012 16:07

DP has been gradually distancing himself from me. He works 60+ hour weeks at the moment but when he's not at work he's generally at his mates. If he is here he's usually texting said mates constantly and is just weird with me.
There's no affection anymore, he only texts me when he wants something and I feel like our flat is just his hotel.
He moans at me if I ask my mum to have the DCs at an occasional weekend yet if they're here he's out anyway.
He gives me 10% of his wages towards food and bills. The rest I make up with tax credits and budgeting whilst his money goes on fuel to work, his car finance and whatever else he wants.

I got very jealous over his female friend- they text all the time, he calls her babe etc but I'm prepared to accept him saying there's nothing going on.
He can't stand me at the moment as I checked his emails and have accused him of cheating with this friend of his.
Things are horrible at the moment and I don't know how to fix them. I'm worried that trying to discuss how cast aside I feel will just send him running for the hills and I'm hopeless at talking face to face as I get flustered and forget what I'm saying.

I love him, I want to make this work but I dont know how to get back to us again. We used to be great. I don't know what's happened.

OP posts:
ClaraSage · 01/02/2012 16:11

If you can't do 'face to face' write it down or email him. He is hurting you and needs to realise it. Communication is key here otherwise things will just get worse .

AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 16:11

He lost all respect for you and checked out of your relationship

I am sorry of this seems very stark and harsh to hear...but that is exactly what has happened

If he isn't/hasn't been shagging this woman, it will be another one/s

Try to hang on to him if you can...but why would you ?

he's made it clear you are at best a domestic appliance to him, and at worst a nagging nuisance who needs to STFU

the best thing ou could do is get on with your life, without him in it

I can't really see what much difference it would make, tbh, except you wouldn't have a constant drain on your self respect

ClaraSage · 01/02/2012 16:12

What did you find when you checked his emais that made you accuse him of cheating?

Doha · 01/02/2012 16:15

And you will find he has to give you more than 10% of his wages if he goes

Diggs · 01/02/2012 16:15

I agree with Af .

Original poster
SomebodySaveMe · 01/02/2012 16:16

Email this friend saying morning beautiful how's it going? Xx

Which to be fair to him is how he sometimes speaks to friends.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 16:17

it doesn't matter what this or any other emails said

he treats you like shit

find a better partner, this one is defective

Original poster
SomebodySaveMe · 01/02/2012 16:29

Should've said in my OP.
I haven't been the easiest person to live with. Depression and general stropping for no reason and ignoring him a bit. So whilst I'd love to blame him completely so I don't have to face my own shortcomings I'm trying to look at it fairly. We didn't have sex for weeks as my medication made me lose my sex drive, I slept on the sofa for 3 weeks with flu and a chest infection as it was the only place I could sleep in comfort.

OP posts:
Doha · 01/02/2012 16:31

You were ill OP. stop maing excuses for him.

ClaraSage · 01/02/2012 16:32

Please OP, seek help and advice from friends or/and family in real life. Mumsnet can help but we don't really know you or your situation and how difficult you may find it to just 'up and leave'.
Whether you decide to leave or not, you have to try and communicate with your H for the DC's sake.
Good luck.

AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 16:33

during my 4 pregnancies, my DH and I didn't have sex once, and then for 6 weeks plus afterwards each time

that's quite a long time of having no sex

good men understand that medical problems can have effects on your sex life

they don't detach themselves from you, start acting dodgy with other women and decide you are not much better than a washing machine with a gob

dreamingbohemian · 01/02/2012 16:41

How long have you been together? Is he your DC's father? Is this a temporary blip in a very long relationship or something else?

With the way things are now, I would get rid. What's the point? Life is too short to work on a relationship that only one person is really into.

Original poster
SomebodySaveMe · 01/02/2012 16:43

4.5 years and he's both DCs dad.
Part of me thinks I should leave but there's another part saying maybe he doesn't realise and I need to talk to him and see if it's fixable.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 16:45

have you tried talking to him ?

what does he say ?

does he say you are nagging him, or imagining things ?

Original poster
SomebodySaveMe · 01/02/2012 16:48

We've tried talking after I admitted going on his emails and he just said i'd made him angry and kept getting on at him about this friend. Which is true. I'm trying not to now as its hypocritical when my friends are mainly male it just made me feel inadequate and like I was just an option.

He told me what annoys him and I'm trying to fix it e.g he hates clutter and mess so I'm trying to keep on top of it all, trying to eat properly as I'm underweight and forget meals quite a lot.
He puts the depression and me generally feeling crap down to me being malnourished.

OP posts:
ClaraSage · 01/02/2012 16:52

I suggested emailing or writing because you can express yourself without being interrupted . Who knows? Maybe he is behaving the way he is because he feels rejected by you and that you don't love him anymore? Still, no excuse for his behaviour.
BUT please try and let him know how you feel. There might still be hope.
We don't know, we are only hearing the story from your POV, which is completly valid.
Do you have a friend in common ? I really think you should get help from people in real life (as well as on here).

AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 16:54

I disagree

I think you are depressed and feel crap because he is making you depressed and feel crap

So, the outcome of previous "talks" is that you have to try harder and he does what ? exactly

basically, you have to keep the house better and stop nagging

is he happy with the way things are ?

if he is, then he will see no reason for him to have to put more effort into your relationship, because you are doing it all for him

if he isn't, then he also gets something out of keeping you unhappy too, by not working with you to try and fix things

eiher way, he is acting like an immature shit and finding ways to keep you dancing to his tune

so far, they seem to be working very well indeed

KatieScarlett2833 · 01/02/2012 16:56

10% of his earnings?

Really?

Bin him for that sad fact alone.

AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 16:58

OP, will the tax credits people be interested in the other 90% of his earnings ?

you don't want to get into trouble with them, love

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/02/2012 17:05

All that you write re him is very troubling. He is now no longer interested in having a relationship with you (when he can be with you he seems to be elsewhere instead) and has left it emotionally so making you feel crap as a result. Someone else is now his main focus; his behaviour is very suspicious to say the very least.

You love him but he does not love you. You cannot fix this I am sorry to say because he is not bothered at all. He sees you as the domestic help.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. I can see what he's getting out of it so he's happy as larry but you are clearly not. He will wreak any self worth you have left, he has done a bang up job on you to get you to such a low point where you think there is even a semblance of hope that he will somehow change.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/02/2012 17:08

"He gives me 10% of his wages towards food and bills. The rest I make up with tax credits and budgeting whilst his money goes on fuel to work, his car finance and whatever else he wants"

Only 10%. So he's a tightwad as well as being a potential cheat. You're paying too for his (HIS) car finance?. Why on earth is that happening?.

He is taking you for a complete mug and you're allowing him to do so.
He needs to go before he drags you and your children down further with him.

TooEasilyTempted · 01/02/2012 17:12

I agree with Clara. He's told you what annoys him and you're trying to fix that, but have you been given the chance to tell him what annoys you and what you would like him to do to fix that?

Your relationship doesn't sound great all round tbh and you've admitted "stropping" and ignoring him at times. Possibly he's thrown himself into work and time with friends to avoid the atmosphere at home, which is angering/irritating you so you "strop" and it's a vicious circle? I don't know, that's just one of many possible explanations.

I think there's a distinct lack of communication all round. Your relationship doesn't sound beyond repair to me but you both need to want to fix it. And to do that you need to be given an opportunity to express your feelings an opinions without being flustered and given the chance to say all you want to. The best way to do that is via letter or email.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain however this situation pans out.

If he's a decent man and wants this to work he will hear you out, not dismiss your feelings and will want to talk and make things work for both of you.

If he's the out and out twat that some people think he is, and doesn't give a shit about anything you have to say and is unwilling to change, you'll know for sure and you can move on.

But I think it's worth giving him a chance to prove he's one or the other.

Original poster
SomebodySaveMe · 01/02/2012 17:14

His money goes on his car finance and all that. He pays all his own bills.

For 4 years I've had to write things down instead of saying them so I doubt it would get read if I wrote or emailed it!

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 01/02/2012 17:15

Does he pay anything towards rent, food, clothing, utilities, kid crap, etc?

AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 17:16

car finance "and all that"

"all that" should be his family

what is "all that" ?

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