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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What happened

46 replies

Tearsb4bed · 01/02/2012 15:42

Hi all,
I'm not sure whether i'm looking for advice or whether I just want to write this down to make it a bit more real. My DH of 18 months told me two nights ago that he didn't love me anymore - there said it! He had been distance for a few weeks but when I asked him if there was anything wrong he told me he was fine and give him a couple of weeks to sort himself out. Me being me kept asking him what was wrong and it came out. To say I'm shocked is an understatement.....
We have booked an appointment at Relate for next week, his instigation, which is completely out of character as he hates talking. But he has said today that he doesn't really see the good it will do and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore and knows the things he will say in the session will do and that there will be no going back from there. He says that he wants to just carry on as we are and maintain the family environment for the sake of our ds who is 3. Although he's not ruled it out he says that he doesn't see how he will change his feelings towards me in the future as for him thats it. This is unreasonable right? I love him with all my heart which makes this all the more unbearable as I don't know what has happen to change him(he swears there is no one else and I do believe him). I've asked whether he is depressed and thinks a chat with the GP might help - but he says no - and maybe that is me looking for an alternative to him simply falling out of love with me.
Thats about it......

OP posts:

Diggs · 01/02/2012 15:57

Im sorry to say this Op , but i think your H is telling lies when he says there is no one else , this seems to be fairly typical . Being distant , declatations of not loving their wives anymore , going through the motions of relate ect .

So , he states he doesnt love you , but expects you to still live there , maintain the family home , presumably make his meals , wash his clothes , and provide free childcare for your son so he can maintain the image of decent family man ? Its a lot cheaper than a divorce and maintenance isnt it .

And what about you Op ? Are you meant to sacrifice the next however many years , not have a relationship , be his free live in housekeeper , just to suit him ? What hes suggesting is ridiculous . In your shoes i would TELL him , not ask , that i KNOW he is having an affair , and that i will be seeing a soliciter with a veiw to starting divorce proceedings .

With a bit of luck it might just snap him out of his ridiculous fantasy . Youve really nothing to lose at this point .

izzyisin · 01/02/2012 16:04

It might be 'unreasonable' but that's the way the cookie's crumbled.

It's possible that he doesn't feel any love for you at the present time but it's equally possible that he believes himself to be in love with another woman and, despite his denial, I suggest you keep a watching brief as it is the most likely cause of a sudden turnaround of this nature.

If he hasn't offered you any explanation as to why he has concluded that he doesn't love you, it would seem that you have to wait until the Relate session next week for him to disclose what he seems to believe will be hurtful to you - and that is unreasonable.

Does he have any reason to withhold 'bad news' from you? Do you become a homicidal axe waving maniac when he or others tell you things you don't want to hear?

ClaraSage · 01/02/2012 16:05

You cannot be sure he is having an affair, it is not always the case.
It does sound that he want the family/home life without the relationship with you, sadly.
And may be happy to live like siblings/flat mates till someone else comes along.
You are shocked and I am sorry.
What was tour relationship like before you married? Did you communicate well? Feel you really knew him,etc.?

mojitomania · 01/02/2012 16:05

Oh blimey. Hmmm something smells fishy here OP. Agree with Diggs.

Diggs · 01/02/2012 16:09

Op , you said he had been distant with you for a few weeks , ( people usually say a lot longer ) can you think of anything significant from around that time ? Was there a night out , a night he was working late ect ? If he is having an affair , or is on the brink of one , he will be in regular contact , either in person , or via text or phone calls .

mumwife · 01/02/2012 16:17

same thing is happening to me. and im afraid to say i found out he was seeing someone else. go to relate be open and honest, if he doesnt talk then at least he can listen. hope you are ok xx

izzyisin · 01/02/2012 16:20

Diggs suggestion to get him on the back foot can be an effective tactic but it will depend on your ability to convince him that you 'KNOW' for absolutely certain and definite that he's been getting his leg over with seeing an OW.

In your shoes, I'd adopt a 'withdrawn' demeanour. Mininmal conversation accompanied by the odd quizzical look at him as if I was examining some peculiar species that I'd never encountered before.

Give him that treatment for a few days and then announce that as you have proof that he is seeing an OW you've consulted a solicitor with a view to divorce.

If he wants to know how you 'know', say that information has been given to you by sources who will remain nameless.

If he persists in denying that there is an OW, simply bring the conversation to an end by saying that the matter's in the hands of your solicitors and, as he feels no love for you, he may as well start making plans to leave as you've got no intention of remaining in a sham marriage.

However, if I were you, I'd wait until after the Relate meeting to put this tactic into operation.

salmonskinroll · 01/02/2012 16:27

There's someone else, defo

dreamingbohemian · 01/02/2012 16:35

Oh gosh. I agree there's likely to be someone else, although sometimes it seems random events can give people a sort of epiphany moment where they say out loud something they've been feeling for a long time but repressing. Did anything happen a few weeks ago?

For example, I've read there can be a sort of 'contagion' effect with divorce, that if one couple in a social circle breaks up it can touch off a round of breakups because it sort of breaks the ice.

But there is NO WAY you should continue living together or whatever if he's not in love with you, you need to make clear from right now that that is simply not an option. He's in or he's out. If you don't make that firm now, you will set yourself up for months and months of delays and negotiations and heartbreak.

Bongobaby · 01/02/2012 17:06

Seems like he has made his feelings clear toy you, although could of used a bit more tact doing it. you have to now think to yourself what do you want out of the situation?
You have a ds who needs your attention so please don,t commit anymore questioning of yourself as to why he feels this way. it will only seek to drag you down. sorry but he needs to grow up. he won,t go to relate because he has already made his mind up. the word selfish comes into mind on his part. don,t be a doormat to this any longer and tell him to leave. it,s not fair to put you and ds through this pretence of everything is ok with mummy and daddy. And its not ok for you either.

bouncysmiley · 01/02/2012 17:34

With regards to his reasons for changing his mind about relate, there's already no going back and at least if you hear what he has to say you can make a more informed decision with support. Don't let him brush this under the carpet it won't go away.

LadyMedea · 01/02/2012 18:09

Very, very odd after only 18 months of marriage.... So much for promises.

I would take him at his word even if you are hoping he is just having a wobble. Think about and work on yourself, act like you are getting on with sorting out your life - tell him that YOU have no intention of continuing in a relationship where you are not loved and respected. Don't beg, plead, talk about the good times, tell him you love him - all this will just remind him of how he doesn't feel right now. You are the only thing you can change... So put your efforts into that.

If you want to stick this out try the books 'the Divorce Remedy' and 'how one of you can bring the two of you together'. They'll help you decide on a plan.... But prepare to move on in case you do not get the outcome you want.

Oh, and do some major snooping for an affair, unfortunately it is a quite likely explanation.

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 01/02/2012 18:19

I'll come at this from another angle. There may be an OW, but then there may well not be.
I did something similar to my xh, I'd put up with so much that one day I just realised I was so desperately miserable in my marriage I needed to get out. So I told him that I no longer loved him, we could try relate but I couldn't see how it would renew that love, but it might make the split easier. He thought I was having a mental breakdown.
So, I can see how this might happen out of the blue. For me there wasn't an OM, just self preservation.

I'm not suggesting your situation is the same, but it's worth listening to what he's got to say and not immediately jumping to conclusions. That said I'm a suspicious thing so I'd be checking his phone, emails etc just to check.

cakeismysaviour · 01/02/2012 18:33

Sadly I agree with Diggs. :(

windsorTides · 01/02/2012 18:36

I saw some research recently that showed that the No. 1 reason for men to leave a marriage (in spirit as well as body) is an affair. There is a significant difference between men and women in this situation.

So I'd advise you to approach this like you would any other problem in life. If something broke down, you'd rule out the most likely cause of the fault wouldn't you?

What often happens is that discovery of an affair stops the whole thing in its tracks and leads to much more honesty and insight into why your husband might think his feelings for you have gone. That is of course if you think you could forgive - not everyone can or should.

If you can't bring yourself to look at his phone or laptop, then I'd suggest you tell him that you will not continue in a marriage without love. It obviously doesn't suit him to leave right now. However you should take control of the timing of his departure, because what sometimes happens with these 'bombshell dropped then change of plan' scenarios is that the OW has been having a wobble about leaving her own relationship and being a selfish man, your H doesn't want to lose his home comforts just yet.

MadAboutHotChoc · 01/02/2012 19:04

Sorry I am with Diggs - this happened to me too.

The Relate idea is probably

to tell you difficult news in a safe environment

to pretend to have tried everything he could

KatieScarlett2833 · 01/02/2012 19:11

If someone desperately wanted to fall back in love with you they would try everything possible to do so. They would read up about it, get counselling, talk to people they trust about their feelings, suggest nights out alone, etc.

It would not be a flat announcement to give himself permission to shag the OW with no hope of retrieval.

I smell OW, sorry.

ChasTittyBeltUp · 01/02/2012 19:12

OP I feel so badly for you. What an awful thing to hear from your DH. If I were you I would get tough pretty fast....I would ask him to leave. It might shock him into being honest if there is someone or make him reaise he i just having a crsis.

swallowedAfly · 01/02/2012 20:01

that's true - 18 months in if your feelings were dying or gone you'd be scurrying around trying to solve it and bring the spark back or whatever not announcing it's over. has he been trying? has there been any preliminaries to this announcement at all?

as an out of the blue announcement only 18months in with no desperate trying to go on holiday, go out more, get counselling, whatever then i'm afraid i too would suspect there's someone else. otherwise he'd be focussed on you and your relationship and trying to make it work and get close again - not announcing it's gone and nothing will change it.

poor you op - what a bombshell. were you expecting it at all? how has the marriage been?

Original poster

Tearsb4bed · 01/02/2012 20:14

Thanks for all yur thoughts everyone, unfortunately giving a voice to all the thoughts I'd tried not to have. Unfortunately for me this is my second marriage and given the failure of my first didn't go into it lightly and we had been together a few years before we got married. To answer the question - was there any problems - no! A bit distant and snappy since just before Christmas but no blazing rows, no suspicious nights out and to my ming no slow descent into seperation. Thats what makes it so desperately hard......

OP posts:

AbbyAbsinthe · 01/02/2012 20:40

Wasn't he supposed to be coming home early to talk?

AbbyAbsinthe · 01/02/2012 20:47

I'm so sorry, that was another thread

Diggs · 01/02/2012 22:25

If there is someone else , and hes only been distant for a month or so , that would suggest to me that his interest in her is relativeley new . I would also suspect that she is married also - his plans to continue with the family set up suggest he has no plans to move in with her ( if she exists ).

If it is new , i think there are things you could do to snap him out of it and make him see what he stands to lose , if you want to try . Maybe a few weeks on his parents sofa , the embarressment of having to tell people , only seeing ds at weekends , and knowing you have sought legal advice , might wake him up a bit . Do be sure to point out that YOU will not be short of offers , being the dazzling woman you are . I dont think he will thank her for finding himself in that position , presuming she,ll still be with her family .

I absoluteley would not let this go on. He says he doesnt love you , wants to keep you for a free skivvy and nanny . Absoluteley no way , id make him go .

ChasTittyBeltUp · 01/02/2012 22:35

I agree with DIggs....tell him you're not prepared to be in a relationhip where your partner does not love you...I mean who IS? Tell him to leave...and as Diggs says the embarrasment and shock could force him to wake up.

He sounds cruel. If he HAD fallen out of love with you....most men say some cruddy lie....that's why this is hard to take really. is it the truth even? Could he be under huge pressure for some reason?

Is his job a stressful one?

Diggs · 01/02/2012 22:54

Tears , there used to be a poster called whenwillifeelnormal . She had been through this and was very well informed and gave some excellant advice , have a search for some of her posts .

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