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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What happened

46 replies

Tearsb4bed · 01/02/2012 15:42

Hi all,
I'm not sure whether i'm looking for advice or whether I just want to write this down to make it a bit more real. My DH of 18 months told me two nights ago that he didn't love me anymore - there said it! He had been distance for a few weeks but when I asked him if there was anything wrong he told me he was fine and give him a couple of weeks to sort himself out. Me being me kept asking him what was wrong and it came out. To say I'm shocked is an understatement.....
We have booked an appointment at Relate for next week, his instigation, which is completely out of character as he hates talking. But he has said today that he doesn't really see the good it will do and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore and knows the things he will say in the session will do and that there will be no going back from there. He says that he wants to just carry on as we are and maintain the family environment for the sake of our ds who is 3. Although he's not ruled it out he says that he doesn't see how he will change his feelings towards me in the future as for him thats it. This is unreasonable right? I love him with all my heart which makes this all the more unbearable as I don't know what has happen to change him(he swears there is no one else and I do believe him). I've asked whether he is depressed and thinks a chat with the GP might help - but he says no - and maybe that is me looking for an alternative to him simply falling out of love with me.
Thats about it......

OP posts:

Original poster

Tearsb4bed · 02/02/2012 09:30

Well I took the bull by the horns last night and told him that whilst he would be happy pretending to world that we were happily married I wouldn't be. In no uncertain terms I told him my reason for going to counselling was to try and work a way through this so maybe he could sort out how he feels. However if it did not work I would not be continuing to live together being unloved as that was not fair on me and on ds. I told him that I would never stop him seeing ds or bad mouth him to ds but living together as housemates whilst being married was not an option. He confessed that he had not thought about me and assumed I would want the arrangement for the sake of ds. I explained that two happy parents apart was a better environment than two liars living together. You'd have thought i'd slapped him in the face as slowly the penny dropped of the potential consequences. There are two destinations on the long road ahead, together or not. Together is where I want us to be but now I'm prepared for the other too. Thanks for the advice. X

OP posts:

ChasTittyBeltUp · 02/02/2012 09:41

Well done for that. But I can't help but think that he still has ALL the power here. He MAY leave...he MAY not...you are willing to allow him to stay if what? If he says he loves you after all?

It sounds like a nightmar of a plae for you to be in....waiting for councelling and for him to make up his mind. I would still ask him to stay elsewhere. It is so hurtful what he said...almost worse than an affair.

LadyMedea · 02/02/2012 09:51

Well done tears for having that incredibly hard conversation and sticking to your guns. There is a significant chance that he hasn't really thought this through at all, and has just jumped at his current feelings being his feelings for ever.

Love and 'in love' can be rebuilt with two willing participants. A beginnings guide is 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' by Andrew Marshall. If he is willing to play ball it would be a good companion to your relationship counselling.

Sudaname · 02/02/2012 09:54

l agree with you Chastity - l would find it very difficult to ever trust again a man who could say such a cruel thing. Or believe that anyone could say such a cruel thing to the person they love - unless its in a heat of the moment drunken outburst/row - but in the cold light of day,nah.

l agree with others that the most likely sudden killer of someones love for another - is love or lust more likely for another.

Hope you are as ok as can be expected - my heart goes out to you.

Sudaname · 02/02/2012 10:00

Sorry just wanted to add - though sure this has already been suggested - that depression is another possible explanation behind this. l imagine and from what l have observed with family/friends who have suffered from it can have a very numbing affect on the emotions.

Diggs · 02/02/2012 10:36

Im alarmed he says he didnt think about you in his proposed arrangement , i think it shows just how self absorbed and detatched he is at the moment , the only person that arrangement would work for is him , not you and certainly not your son , its total fantasy on his part . I wonder what other ridiculous ideas hes got about how things are going to work out .

Has this selfishness , this lack of regard for you suddenly apeared out of the blue , or has he always been selfish in some ways ? Have you felt loved by him previously ? have you been satisfied with your marriage up until this point ? Has he ever suggested he was not happy , or suggested ways in which you could BOTH improve your marriage ?

Whether he is interested in someone else , or he is simply being an arse , these charecter traits , ie , being selfish , being hurtfull , being unrealistic , being dishonest , failure to communicate , have not just apeared overnight . They must have already been there previously .

And he has been dishonest Tears . If you only got married 18 months ago and he is now saying he doesnt love you anymore , presumably he has been disatisfied for quite some time , and has not said anything . Why not ? Does he not think his wife deserves to know how he feels or deserves to know what is going on in her own marriage ? Would you have wanted to provide domestic services , or have sex with him , if you had known how he felt ? He has denied you these basic rights , and the opportunity to correct whatever was wrong by failing to communicate with you .

BayPolar · 02/02/2012 11:47

Another man risking losing a woman who sounds like a good person.
What a fool he is.

ChasTittyBeltUp · 02/02/2012 14:45

Tears I hope you are managing to keep your head clear...ths must all feel SO confusing for you. I also hope your partner is being bloody nice to you too. IS there a chance he coud be depressed? I agree that stress and depression can make people say and do very odd things.

Original poster

Tearsb4bed · 02/02/2012 15:28

I think there is a possibility that he is depressed and have suggested this to him but he says that he's not. He has had trouble seeping or staying asleep and also not wanting dinner. He did say last night that he just feels indifferent to me and to lots of things at the moment. I know that these are all signs of depression but convincing him to chat to the GP is probably going to be impossible. He is being nice to me which helps for the tension in the household but I can't help but think its false.

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Ahhhtetley · 02/02/2012 15:35

I would be temped to put a timelimit on how long he takes to 'make up his mind' abotu what he wants to do otherwise it could drag on for months. Having his cake and eating it almost..

But good for you, for having the conversations. It is interesting (as others have said) that he didn't think how this would affect you... How could he 'not' think of you. And that you'd agree for the sake of your DC. It just goes to show that he doesn't really see you as a person, just a mother that would do 'anything' for her DC.

windsorTides · 02/02/2012 21:01

I too wouldn't allow him the option to choose what to do.

Couple counselling will be the most monumental waste of time and money if there's an affair. The counsellor will concentrate on mythical difficulties in your relationship and your H won't engage in the process, because he's holding so many secrets.

My strongest advice to you OP is to find out whether he is having an affair. Anything else at this stage is time-wating and elongating a very painful process.

windsorTides · 02/02/2012 21:02

time-wasting

sassy34264 · 02/02/2012 23:17

this happened to me 5months ago. when i was 7months pregnant. we had, had twins 12 months previously and been homeless, staying at my mum's and then living from room to room in our new house while it was being done up.
i asked him if he still loved me and he said he didnt know. i obviously didnt take it well, and when he asked if i'd rather he lied, i replied i'd rather he leave. told him to go and pack a bag right now and leave cos if he doesnt know whether he loves me after 9years, then i cba waiting around until he does.

he went upstairs for about 30 mins and then came back down said sorry, that he does love me and knew he did really as soon as it left his mouth.

i told him that he best be careful what he says because i was fully prepared to let him go then. i asked if there was someone else (im an avid relationship lurker) and he was adamant there wasnt. he blamed it on stress and exhaustion.

im not so naive that i think there definately wasnt. i just have no proof that there was and i refuse to snoop. he knows and i know, that his butt will be out the door with his clothes dropping on his head from the upstairs window if i find out there was.

i'd like to think that there are some men out there though, that do just get sick of the arguing or find out they have nothing in common etc without there always being a trollop on the side.

i think the trick is to snatch the cards they think they're holding off them.
i would tell him to move out, as you cant wait around for him to decide.

Original poster

Tearsb4bed · 03/02/2012 09:42

well you may be all right. He told me a couple of weeks ago that he had to work away for a couple of nights in the coming weeks. Got home last night and amazingly it is next week, when the Relate appointment is.....

OP posts:

swallowedAfly · 03/02/2012 09:52

doesn't sound good tears. tell him to move out - this is not good for your sanity. dragging it out will do no good. if he sorts his head out he will work his butt off to make it up to you but thinking you're just going to take it and live as a functionary without love is ridiculous.

what did you say when he told you he was going away? did you ask lots of questions? i'd be tempted to say that after what he's told you you do not believe that he is going away due to work and if he goes you'll be calling his office to discretely check because there's no way you can trust him. see if his business trip magically gets cancelled.

Diggs · 03/02/2012 10:03

Sorry to hear this Tears , its not looking good .

If you want to save your marriage , i think youve got to take some action , and i think youve got to do it quickly . I would do everything possible to prevent these overnight absences from happening , because if he spends a couple of nights romping with someone else , he,ll be hooked , and theres no coming back from it .

Youve really nothing to lose . In your shoes i would prepare to calmly speak to him later . I would TELL him that you know hes having an affair . I would not disclose how or why , and i would state that he needs to leave the house tonight . I would also inform him you will apply for a divorce on the grounds of his adultry . He will deny it of course, and at that point i would simply insist he leaves, end of discussion .

His suggestion of you being a free house keeper stinks of a lack of respect . If you keep him in the home , and apear to be desperate to save your marriage he will lose even more respect for you . At the moment he can pick and choose whether he wants you or not , and usually we dont want the things we can have easily , we take them for granted . Things you cannot have are much more attractive . I would tell him that bollocks to what he may or may not want , YOU have decided you deserve better , so off he trots thank you very much .

I dont know if you have confided in freinds and family , if not , now is the time , get some support and shine a light on his deception and cruel behaviour .

Littlemissnegative · 03/02/2012 10:10

Does he often work away, Tears? The timing really does seem rather suspect! Just an idea, but could you ring his work and say you want to arrange a surprise trip away for the two of you very soon and could they tell you if he's going to be away with work in the next few weeks?

ChasTittyBeltUp · 03/02/2012 10:22

Why bother *littleMiss I mean really....Tears don't demean yourself. He isn't showing much commitment is he?

I think that unless he is willing to rearrange the relate apointment himself at a time which suits him, I would be kicking him out at this point.
the not wanting dinner thing would make me think he is eating somewhere else tbh.

Can you check his phone? Email? Facebook? Do you have shared bank accounts? You might want to think about protecting any shared accounts. Sorry you're not any closer to resolving things.

Diggs · 03/02/2012 10:35

Get some legal advice quickly Tears . If it is an OW , this man is no longer your freind and your confidante . In fact , whether there is an Ow or not , the things he has said suggest that you are no longer a priority to him .

Ive been there and stupidly didnt take the advice . We were quite well off , plenty of savings , own home ect . People advised me to take legal action to ensure he didnt do away with assets . I was adamant that he wouldnt ever do that to us . Wrong . I ended up nearly homeless , i now live in social housing as he wouldnt pay the mortgage . I have come out of my marriage with not one penny .

Dont give him time to start shifting money about , its difficult and expensive to prove it once its been done .

Littlemissnegative · 03/02/2012 10:35

It was just a suggestion, in case Tears wanted absolute proof that he isn't away with work, that's all. Some people would want absolute proof, and others wouldn't, which is fine of course!

swallowedAfly · 03/02/2012 11:38

agree about financial protection now. if i were you i'd be withdrawing from accounts on a near daily basis to ensure you and dc have an emergency fund that is in your pocket whatever happens. if things turn out fine you can put it back but take that protective action now.

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