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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Want my life back with my beloved partner

34 replies

fullofnostalgia · 31/01/2012 23:56

Had a really happy memory tonight of my darling XP and I dancing in our garden late at night; it was so funny whirling each other around and we ended up collapsing with laughter (we were doing "The Gay Gordons" and lah-lahing the tune!).

Wondering why it all went so wrong? He had another woman for many years but was able to convince me that I was an idiot!

I miss him terribly! Can't move on - would love to go back to the very happy times!

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 01/02/2012 00:00

Stop thinking about the good times, and remember the shit he put you through.

You are not an idiot.

How long is it since you split up?

Original poster

fullofnostalgia · 01/02/2012 00:03

Just over 2 years - still miss him and love him dearly!

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 01/02/2012 00:18

You have to move on. Honestly. Put yourself first. You have to.

Life is for living, and we cannot control other peoples feelings and lives, but we can take hold of our own, and forge a new path in our future.

Once you can do that, you will find the pain of missing him starts to ease. I can guarantee that.

ThePinkPussycat · 01/02/2012 00:19

Was this memory from before he had OW? If so, it's nice that you have some good memories. But alas it is a memory of what he once was, not what he is now.

Now imagine yourself dancing alone in the garden, and feeling free :)

Original poster

fullofnostalgia · 01/02/2012 00:24

Am feeling so sad - why did it all go wrong? Why did he turn to the OW? Why did he deceive and lie?

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 01/02/2012 00:24

Err, why do you still love him dearly? Is your sense of self-worth that low, that you think a man who can deceive and hurt you so much for so long is all that you deserve?

Good memories of a time with an ex prove that you didn't waste the entire time you spent with them. But that's it. I have good memories of times with my first fiancé, who then fucked off with his secretary after 11y together - but they are just memories - we had good times together but they are OVER.

In the end, he is an EX. That means he didn't choose you. That means he didn't love you enough to stay with you. That means there is no point in loving him - what a waste of time, energy and emotion!

Get some counselling to sort out your self-esteem issues and move on from this man or your life is going to consist of an awful lot of regret and not a lot of good living.

likeatonneofbricks · 01/02/2012 00:32

why did he convince you that you were "an idiot"? do you really think you did something wrong? it's hard to move on if you feel guilty, so you have to decide, did you ruin things or did he - or you both, which is more likely? It's extremely hard to stop loving someone, I personally was stuck on a person for years in the past because I knew I spoiled my chances and kept trying to put it right/apologise which was futile (wasn't my H, he never commited), but later I could see that it wasn't just my mistakes, we were really not a match, however much I wanted us to be, we just weren't right for each other. Some memories will always remain , but it will get easier if you don't blame yourself.

Original poster

fullofnostalgia · 01/02/2012 00:39

I would be very happy to no longer love him; unfortunately, it's not happening! We were so happy together in the beginning - just could not believe that he cheated when he was still telling me that he loved me! I sound like a teenage girl! Am not!

OP posts:

Original poster

fullofnostalgia · 01/02/2012 00:45

likeatonneofbricks - He had a particular fetish; never told me until we were well established together. I could not go along with it and he then took up with OW (only realised with hindsight)!

OP posts:

ThePinkPussycat · 01/02/2012 00:45

It hurts, doesn't it? So it must be love, yes? NO! I have made that mistake myself. You are longing for someone who does not exist.

likeatonneofbricks · 01/02/2012 00:48

then you aer not an idiot at all - it was just out of your comfort zone, was it? fetish is not worth losing a hapy r-ship over, so he's an idiot (at least he should ve tried to go to councelling as fetishes are addictions). It's sad, was out of your hands, he should never have blamed you for his own unhealthy fixations.

likeatonneofbricks · 01/02/2012 00:50

AS to moving forward, maybe it will help to accept that you will always have some love left for him, but just let him go, and that you are capable of loving another person also, even stronger. Takes find to find the new person, but it's possible.

likeatonneofbricks · 01/02/2012 00:51

takes time, obv

Hattytown · 01/02/2012 01:00

Did he meet the OW on a fetish site or do you think she's just complying with it because she thinks that gives her an edge over the female competition? If it's the latter, pity her because you are so much stronger than her.

Don't let this take away your memories of the love you felt. If it felt real to you, chances are it was. People are capable of extraordinary cruelty to the people they love, on the altar of lust. What you might settle for is that he didn't in the end, love you enough - and certainly not as much as you deserved.

Original poster

fullofnostalgia · 01/02/2012 01:03

Thanks to you all! You are all so very kind! Just seems as time won't heal!

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 01/02/2012 01:06

It will heal in time. If you are feeling really stuck in misery, it might be worth looking into some counselling for yourself, maybe to explore why you invested quite so much of yourself in this relationship and to find out how to let it go.

mrscynical · 01/02/2012 07:09

Whilst I have every sympathy for the OP, I have to disagree with a poster claiming that 'fetishes are addictions'. This is a completely ridiculous statement. Another poster stating that the OW maybe 'complying with it because she thinks that gives her an edge over the female competition' is also somewhat deluded. Do you really think there are a bunch of women out there hoping to ensnare kinky men, even though they hate it, but they will get a man at any cost?

Many men AND women have fetishes. A person entering into a relationship and not divulging such tastes and then leaving a relationship because the other partner is not willing to indulge them may well be a reason for a relationship breaking down - bringing all the heartache and unhappiness the poster describes and I fully understand how terrible that is. However, there are many men AND women who also are not happy with or confused about their sexuality and leave partners as they realise they cannot deny their homosexuality any longer. Does this mean that they too are addicted?

fullofnostalgia - I am sorry for your situation and hope that you can meet someone else who is true to you in the future.

ChildofIsis · 01/02/2012 07:24

You have my full sympathy, my stbxh left to be with his ow.

What helped me to get over him was to be brutally honest with myself about the situation, without judgement or accusation.

For instance I looked at the most obvious thing - he left me, this doesn't mean I am unloveable just that he no longer loved me.
There is an ow - she is not a husband stealing harpie just someone vulnerable who was complicit in his games and strung along almost as much as me.
Then I started to see that the man who had just left me was not in fact the same man I married, something had changed and as such I wasn't in love with the man who'd left me.
I could however still cherish the good memoties which after 28 years there are lots.
I did have some residual love for him which has also disappeared due to his behaviour since he left.
I now see him for who he really is - DD's dad.

My heart broke 5 months ago when he left but it is on the mend now.

Once I realised that accepting the truth of the situation was easier on the emotions than constantly reliving the betrayal I was able to move forward.
I do still get some very sad moments, but use them to push on with my new free life.

Original poster

fullofnostalgia · 01/02/2012 22:55

mrscynical I believe that people do become addicted to their fetishes to the detriment of their loving partners!

OW is a professional in her (IMHO) kinky field; that's how I lost him!

OP posts:

Original poster

fullofnostalgia · 01/02/2012 22:58

Max Mosely type of thing! I couldn't do it!

OP posts:

lisaro · 01/02/2012 22:58

But the happy times were all a lie. Why go back to that? It's time you got over it, TBH.

flatbellyfella · 02/02/2012 16:12

Fullofnostalgia. I have found when you have given your all to a partner & they reject you for another or some other reason,it is very hard to come to terms with it, you are grieving just as if they had died. At least if they had died it would not have been of their choice, but in your case he did have a choice , and chose the OW. I hope your nostalgia gets easier for you to come to terms with.

Original poster

fullofnostalgia · 03/02/2012 00:09

Tx,everyone! Understand what you are all saying but the love just won't go away!

OP posts:

MsPav · 03/02/2012 00:24

That's true. You'll not wake up in the morning not loving him. You'll have to be pro-active.

Previous posters have pointed out the obvious, it is up to you now. Counselling, cb therapy might all help. It is your choice.

Practical changes encourage emotional ones too. The love might not go away, but you might get to a point when you realise you will be happier without him.

likeatonneofbricks · 03/02/2012 00:32

mrscynical - homosexuality is not the same, it's fundamental. Fetishes develop in later life, they do not form by the age of 5 like homosexuaity (in most cases) - in fact hs can be genetic. OP's partner is not gay, don't you think it's a crying shame that he left a loving r-ship and sex life just for one aspect of his sexuality which could well be treated as it's not genetic, yet it's something that's spoiling his life. And his partner's (a gay man wouldn't have to turn to a professional for sex, whereas this is much more niche).
OP, I assume he is not in a new r-ship? How long has it been? there is a chance that he will see what a wreck his life is due to this and maybe seel treatment or just go cold turkey. But you shouldn't sit and wait. Did you not have any attraction to another man? maybe try and meet people more - it might happen, you know. If anything an attraction could take the edge off . But I understand you - I loved someone 10yrs ago, for ages, and although he was attracted to me there were too many obstacles plus he didn't really love me. But whenever i see his face even on a photo, I know that something of that love will never go - it's life. Just accept that it exists in you, but he's not neccessarily the only one you could love. Accept that he's not giving it back, even if he did at some point, I did that and it became easier after letting go of any hopes, I feel that I can love again.

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