Why didn't I listen

[TooMuchInLove]

Hey you might remember I posted on her a couple of months ago about my dp chatting to hookers online and all of you told me to leave him...I can't find the thread but it was called 'he's chatting to hookers online'.

I thought everything would be fine I confronted him and he fed me what I now know was total bollocks.
I have since posted on the step-parenting thread about some issues concerning dsd and all of a sudden problems have bittin me good and proper in the back side!!

I never went back to trusting dp and kept spying on his e-mail and his account on the AW website and to my disgust he has made a booking to see a prostitute this friday.
I feel sick and I'm shaking and now I need your help again.
I wish I had listened to you before, I am going through a really hard time, a dear friend has just passed away (the mother of my godchild) and I am due to start a new job in 2 weeks which Is causing stress.

I need help, how do I save enough money to leave bearing in mind I have no where to stay without finding somewhere to rent.

How do I go about finances?

Please forgive me for brushing you off before you were all right, he is a cheating scumbag and I was wrong to stay with him.

If anyone finds my old thread can you post it on her also as I don't know how
thankyou all

here

thankyou dutchoma.

Oh, I'm so sorry - your partner does not deserve you. Don't beat yourself up for not leaving several months ago - just plan to do it now. I know it feels daunting but it will really is the best option. Do you have a friend you could stay with for a period of time? What about a houseshare - rent is likely to be reasonable.

When you separate from a partner it does always feel impossible but it is do'able.

Well for a start you need some advice about your housing. Why the hell should you be the one to leave?

Do you rent atm? If you do then it may be possible for the tenancy to be transferred into your name alone.

If you can afford it then see a solicitor asap, if not then CAB would be a good start and Shelter may be able to help too.

Take care x

I am sorry as well. Don;t worry, it takes ages to decide to leave I think and we all have to stay until we personally are ready to leave. Now that you are, can you tell him how you feel and separate and then live in the same house for 2 months or so until you can scrabble a practical plan together? You have work ahead but get a pad and pen and get listing all the things you think of as the days go on. It will change into lists to do now, later, ongoing etc and it will all slowly come into focus. Very sorry to hear the news, you must be devastated, what terrible luck. But you'll be fine one day. If he is using prostitutes, there's no staying is there.

Sorry you are going through this You deserve so much better!

Please get yourself off to an STI clinic as soon as you can.

Firstly dont have unprotected sex with him and take utmost care. Leaving him is not as daunting as it seems. Be brave and remember you deserve so much better than this.

Sorry to post and run - fgs don't beat yourself for wanting to trust the man you love(d)! You haven't done anything wrong. I'm sorry everything's blowing up all at once; you must be feeling red raw.

So, first thing is to confide in somebody in real life. Just ask them to give you a listen, not advice ... unless they're a hotshot lawyer or have an empty house for you to sit

Have you confronted him yet? If you kick up a major row about it, is there a good chance he'll go away for a couple of weeks? You could do with a bit of time to get your head around things before your new job.

I think you have to do something decisive before you start the job. Otherwise, you'll be a bag of jangling nerves which is not the best way to begin. You might be able to get your doctor to give you a delay, but let's see how you get along first.

I'm sure you'll get better replies later on, just wanted to say hi and give you a virtual hand-squeeze in case you can't sleep :)

hi op as others have said don't feel bad about not leaving him before - done and dusted and you weren't ready, didn't believe it was that bad - whatever. now you know and want to act. so sorry you've ended up with the kind of 'man' who feels the need to go and have sex with a prostituted woman - tells you a lot about him and how it's not really about sex doesn't it? it's about paying for sex and therefore power. not. a. nice. man.

i think if you want practical advice/options you'll need to give a bit more detail. whose house is it? owned or rented? do you have children if so how many and ages? etc.

scary that you have to start a job with all this going on but also a good thing maybe? money coming in, a new start, distraction, meeting new people for example?

hope you got some sleep x

Well the house is rented and in his name. I have no dcs but he has a dd so i pretty much have to move out.
I don't want to confront him until i'm ready to leave i don't think it would benefit me.
we talked last night about how he doesn't respect me or support me and when asked if he stopped everything that we fought about before he promised me. i can't believe he can look.in my eyes abduction due about something that important. especially when I know :-(
just so shattered and don't know what to do next.

i have no savings so moving out (has to happen but) can't happen til i have enough for a deposit and things. air would never try and transfer the house we are in as there is no way i could afford it.
I've been looking at new places to go and i've gone past fussy now, i just want somewhere to go and be away from him but i literally don't understand what is happening to me x

What about staying with friends or family for a while? You really need to talk over options in real life, maybe an advice centre? P

Don't be hard on yourself , you have to be ready to make the move and no-one can blame you for giving it "one last go" we all hope in this situations that it will turn around,sometimes it does , often it doesn't.

If you can bear to stay for a bit (officially) I wouldn't move out just yet.

Tell him calmly that you are going to leave but need to get things sorted.

You call the shots, don't let him dictate how & when.

Go & stay with a friend or family for a few days , have a cry, have a drink, make lists and plans for your new future.

New job, new home, you have lots to focus on although I know you are feeling like shit right now. You deserve better and it will happen.

if you need to just don't confront him yet and start saving money as rapidly as you can. cease paying for bills or going out or anything - make up an excuse - and cram away as much as you can. maybe even ask him to loan you some money as you've had an unexpected bill come through or need to buy clothes/something for new job - fuck it - it's his behaviour that has caused this so do whatever you need to to secure yourself.

don't sleep with him whatever you do and keep clear in your head you are going as soon as you can get money together.

i think it's possible for it to be 'over' for you without telling him immediately so you can bide your time to get yourself in a good position to move out. also just watching him lying and seeing what he really is under the same roof will strengthen you into knowing for sure what a shit he is and how much you want rid.

Too much

I dont think it matters atm whether you tell him or not. You know, that is enough.. He doesnt have to know all your plans; he hasnt told you his.

I think the key thing is to mentally withdraw from the relationship, keep looking at housing options and get started on the new job, which you may well find will take your mind off him anyway. Save as much as you can, including some of his, if possible!

I do agree with the poster who says this is about power, not sex- a man who uses a prostitute is letting you know a great deal about his attitude to women.

It did occur to me that a bedsit is not your only or even best option- there are shared houses in most towns where you can get a room with shared kitchen, bathroom and possibly living room.

I'm just so scared. i've never let myself feel this helpless before. i have no credit (never felt a need for a credit card) and i think thats going to affect me.

i feel stupid for believing he was faithful (i don't even care if he hadn't actually physically cheated yet its the planning)
i have made jokes in the past about other men but he knows i wouldn't do anything with anyone else.

i can't believe how much i hate the thought if the future as well. The thought of him living know is literally killing me. i don't want him but i don't want anyone else to have him. he has been awful to me and i know it will still eat me up if i think he has moved on :-(

It is normal to feel scared. But it might be holding you back. He isnt stronger than you, you have just been in a relationship which made you feel weak.

For most people, it takes three months after moving out to get their head above the parapet and feel better. You have already decided you wont live with him under these conditions, and he has already decided not to change.

If you really focus on sorting out a different life, and then look for new friends through work or new hobbies, you will have created a solid grounding for yourself in life, and one which you can take forward into any new relationship, which will come.

But what is he left with? A big monthly sex bill. Sod him. If you can do this, you will have him eating of of your hands, but by then you wont want him.

Joining a credit union is a great way of saving and borrowing. Google Credit Union and your post code to find your nearest one. You can set it up for as little as £1 a week, you need to be a member for 13 weeks and then you can borrow money from them at quite favourable interest rates.
You don't need a credit card, but you will probably need a bank account for your new job?
As other posters have said: you don't need to move out to detach yourself from him. Make yourself a spot in the house which you keep for yourself and as others have said: don't have sex with him.

Get yourself a financial profile as soon as you can: own bank account, savings account and credit card. If you are currently working then you should have no problem with all three (even if you have a cc with £250 limit it sits against your name happily ticking along building up a profile), even if you are not the first two should be fine. I can recommend the co-op/smile for banking!

If you can find somewhere to stay without paying rent do so with friends or family.... or someone you can borrow the deposit/1st rent from. The other cheaper option is to find a room in a shared house (www.spareroom.co.uk). Deposit and rent will be lower so also allow you to move more quickly and save money when you're living there.

This is truly horrible. For advice and companionship try www.survivinginfidelity.com. There are specific threads on there for people with DPs/exDPs who have been up to what your OH has been up to. Lots of stuff about how to look after yourself and move on.

Frankly with that kind of behaviour I wouldn't even want him to explain... I'd just want to be gone.

I think there's a real danger if you sit this out. Because you are so attached to his daughter and have built such a great relationship, I think the longer you leave this, the more you are likely to stay with this awful man. You were making the most astonishing trade-offs in your last thread and I think everyone was struggling to understand why. I think your self-esteem and belief in your ability to support yourself independently is very low and this is why you've been making those trade-offs.

I can understand why quietly planning and getting your ducks in a row would be good advice to someone who was determined and resolute, but I don't think that will work for you personally. I think you've been so ground down by this man that waiting would be an act of sabotage to a happy future.

From what I've read of your other threads, you have a very good relationship with his ex-wife and you are jointly much better parents to their daughter than her father could ever be.

Having also read your threads about his behaviour towards his daughter (I think you mentioned he was still wiping her bottom at 10 years old?) the amount of time he spends with her in her bedroom alone and the fact she has been suffering psychosomatic symptoms of illness, I have to say I think there is an urgent child protection issue here.

So I would speak to his ex-wife and share your concerns, telling her about recent events. I think her reaction will help your resolve and your actions will also more importantly, help her daughter. This will also pave the way to you remaining in the life of a girl that you have come to love and she will need strong loving people around her if what I suspect is correct.

Having also read your threads about his behaviour towards his daughter (I think you mentioned he was still wiping her bottom at 10 years old?) the amount of time he spends with her in her bedroom alone and the fact she has been suffering psychosomatic symptoms of illness, I have to say I think there is an urgent child protection issue here.

I missed this information, I now feel sick and please please you must tell the ex wife of your concerns ASAP.

Oh, you poor love TooMuch, I've just read your thread about DSD.

Your partner sounds like an arse., of the kind who's too much in love with himself to genuinely love anybody else. Unfortunately, such people often find the most wonderful partners to reflect their self-love back at them ... both you and his ex seem like beautiful people.

Are your godchildren still staying with you, too?

In your shoes I would certainly talk things over with his ex. She's a good friend and knows pretty well what you're going through. I wish you all the strength, support and luck in the world while you come to grips with your predicament.

I should say, by 'predicament' I mean the fact that you're in love with a self-serving twat and children are involved!!

The council can often put you on to a rent deposit scheme, and help you find somewhere with a private landlord.

But if you're feeling weak and vulnerable you might be best leaving first, and stay with friends for a bit whilst you build up your confidence. If you stay with DP whilst you try and sort out the practicalities you risk losing whatever resolve you have to see things through. You sound from your other thread as if you're the sort of person who's great at being there for others when they need you, so I'm sure there must be friends you can stay with temporarily whilst you get your feet on the ground.

It took me ages to split with my ex - and I spent far too long covering up for his behavour, trying not to think about it, etc. I would say I wanted to split up, and he would make vague efforts about where to go, but then I wouldn't stay angry long enough to see it through so we'd just carrry on. In the end I had to throw him out even though it was winter and the only place he could go was a friend's unheated caravan. But that was the only way it was going to happen. After I'd done it it felt scary, and uncharted, but an immense relief not to have to deal with his behaviour any more.

Good luck

just read your other thread.

ignore if this is really inappropriate for whatever reason but i wondered whether maybe you could go and stay with your godson's dad. it could be good for him to have some company and help with the children and good for you too.

having read your other thread i agree it would probably be best to get out asap.

you really do sound lovely OP - way too good for this man.