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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this passive aggressive or something else?

40 replies

Ineedadollar · 31/01/2012 16:48

I have a relatively new boyfriend. He continually uses phrases like "sorry for only trying to do the best for you" and "you make me feel like I can't do anything right" "you're lucky that I can cope with all the baggage you have" or "my life is so shit" and sort of flounces off for a few hours/days because I have apparently said the wrong thing (I'm never sure what)
Fwiw, I'm not an arse but reading back through old text messages it makes me sound like I am. Is he trying to make me think I am an arse and should be grateful for his presence in my life?! I'm 99% sure the relationship has run its course tbh but I wondered what kind of behaviour this is, why he might be doing it, and why it makes me uncomfortable? I escaped a DV scenario not that long ago so might be oversensitive to manipulative behaviour.

OP posts:

izzyisin · 31/01/2012 17:00

Does it matter about sticking a label on his behaviour and/or trying to understand why he behaves in such an unreasonable and unacceptable manner?

Go the extra 1%, honey, and dump the twunt without further ado.

lisaro · 31/01/2012 17:01

The only label that behaviour needs is 'unacceptable'. Run, Ineeda.

kodachrome · 31/01/2012 17:03

God, what a twat. Dump his ass pronto. He's all about making you feel in the wrong all the time. He needs to four-letter-shocker off.

You're not oversensitive. It's excellent news that your twat radar has caught this early.

lazarusb · 31/01/2012 17:03

He sounds a bit needy and immature. End it, you'll thank yourself in the long run!

MadameOvary · 31/01/2012 17:04

Yep, you will always be second guessing and doubting yourself. Who wants to live like that? Dont bother analysing him, leave that to his next victim partner.

MadameOvary · 31/01/2012 17:05

YY to successful twat radar. It is pinging loudly. Do not ignore!

Sparks1 · 31/01/2012 17:08

You want to know why?

Because he's a complete knob. No further analysis needed.

TheTruthNothingButTheTruth · 31/01/2012 17:11

Is there any reason why you are still in it ? It could not me more clearer that he is a right twat, dump him and dont give him another chance.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2012 17:13

I don't know what label you should apply to this pillock's behaviour but it ain't acceptable

dump him, and be sure to tell the needy arsewipe exactly why

Original poster

Ineedadollar · 31/01/2012 17:16

I'm still in the relationship because I don't like upsetting people. I know that's ridiculous. I'm overanalysing his behaviour as part of a conscious attempt to stop picking twats as partners and trying to work out why I end up with this kind of person.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 31/01/2012 17:20

don't waste any more time on him

and close your ears to the whining that will inevitably start

cantreachmytoes · 31/01/2012 17:20

LOL don't know if that is the speech you meant, but it sounds spot on to me!!

Abitwobblynow · 31/01/2012 17:21

Dollar, well done for picking this up about yourself now. Look at co-dependency, and work on sorting yourself out. The healthier you become, the healthier the men you will be attracted to. Also, see it as good practice: you are working out what you definitely want! And don't want.

Abitwobblynow · 31/01/2012 17:23

DO NOT do the 'it's not you its' me speech'.

Just say simply 'this is not working for me any more'

When he tries to ask why, just stick to 'this is not working for me any more'.

Original poster

Ineedadollar · 31/01/2012 17:28

Not even my 'it's not me it's you you twat' speech? I was beginning to get enthusiastic about it
We are meant to be going away for the weekend so I need to do it soon or I will feel obliged to go. Already do as he has paid for it

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 31/01/2012 17:29

don't go on the weekend away

he will throw it back in your face if you do, then dump him afterwards

ModreB · 31/01/2012 17:29

Massive knob alert. Run for the hills as fast as you can.

What Wobbly said - just tell him it's not working. Repeat ad infinitum.

Diggs · 31/01/2012 17:36

Theres nothing wrong with your radar , it seems to be working perfectly . This guy sounds like " The Victim " , they apear harmless initially but quickly set about making you feel sorry for them . Its already working . Well spotted and good riddance .

I dont think its unusual to end up with manipulaters once youve been in any sort of abusive relationship . Think of it as little tests and proof youve now got better boundarys .

OTheHugeManatee · 31/01/2012 17:39

He sounds like a whiny loser. Get rid.

Good luck OP and congrats on a working twat radar

Ample · 31/01/2012 17:40

I'm still in the relationship because I don't like upsetting people.

Oh dear Ineedadollar. Christmas has indeed come early for him. You're just his kind of woman and not in a good way (for you)
It won't get any better.
I'd get out and wouldn't even give him a chance to ask too many questions in case he sets about changing your mind...making you feel guilty. And I he will.

Ample · 31/01/2012 17:41

I bet he will

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/01/2012 17:45

Ineedadollar,

re your comment:-
"I'm still in the relationship because I don't like upsetting people. I know that's ridiculous".

But he is upsetting you, is that ok?. No and you do not need his say so to leave this now as it is not working out

You've gone from one previously abusive relationship into yet another one albeit of a different type but it does not mean to say that this is any less abusive than before. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

"I'm overanalysing his behaviour as part of a conscious attempt to stop picking twats as partners and trying to work out why I end up with this kind of person".

Inbuilt conditioning from childhood could be a culprit here, what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Maybe you want to rescue and or save such damaged men by loving them but love is never ever enough in such cases. You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship; it just does not work.

Would suggest you have a look at the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid and if there is a course in your area, go on this. It is for women who have been abused in previous relationships. BTW your twat radar is well on the way to being fully mended but as this person has shown, it still needs work and you need to work on rebuilding your self esteem and worth more. Give yourself time on your own and love your own self for a change.

You may also want to read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/01/2012 17:48

You are also indeed ideal pickings for such manipulative men to get their claws into and use hence my suggestion to have some time on your own without dating any man. You need to sort you first and love your own self first and foremost.

openerofjars · 31/01/2012 17:49

You can't win re the weekend - go and he'll make you feel guilty for dumping him straight afterwards, cancel and you've ruined his weekend - so if I were you I'd cut my losses and dump him before it, so you don't have to put up with any more of his needy, whiny, manipulative bullshit.

If he asks you why, you could try saying "Because you sap the sunshine out of my life and drain my soul of every ounce of joy".

Diggs · 31/01/2012 18:20

Yep , dont go , you,ll be held to ransom over it . At least hes got the opportunity to either cancel or take a mate .

Does his boss pick on him by any chance ?

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