huge row this morning, pretty sure i need to leave but dh will not talk to me.

[gamingwidow]

I had a thread just after new year about dh and his gaming obsession. Since talking to him he admitted depression, hating his job, and feeling lonely because we moved away from his home city to my small town. He said he'd changewhich he did until...

FF to this weekend, DS has been very poorly, very high temp and sickness. By yesterday was very worried so took him to gp who diagnosed chest and ear infection as well as dehydration. Despite dh being off work, i took the day off and closed my business for the day as ds only wanted me. DH is off again today, i heard ds stirring and crying at 2.30 this morning. He was lying on sofa whilst dh was playing on his games. He told me to go back to bed as he wopuld sort ds, and i did because i was so bloody exhausted.

Shortly after that ds came in to our bed (without dh) he shuffled/fussed and had a little sleep til 6.30. Dh had slept in ds bed. I needed to leave to take dd to school at 8.40, from 8.15 onward i kept trying to get dh up and he wouldn't stir. By the 8.40 i told him i neededto go NOW. Que him getting up and stomping about. When he came downstairs he looked knackered (i assume because he was playing games till silly 'o' clock.

I (stupidly) this morning noticed we only had enough milk for kids cereal and not much for his tea through the day, and decided (rightly i think!) that it is more important for the kids to get their cereal. He was f-ing under his breath and i told him to stop, which is when he started snapping at me. He was in such a foul mood i couldn't bear living ds with him in that mood so said id take him with me to work.My business property is so cold even i struggle to bear it. I said that with a chest infection he shouldnt be out and he just said 'i was gthe one taking him', but i felt i had no choice.

Unfortunately i flipped and asked him to leave, if just for the night to go to his mums (2-ish hours away) he refused, to think about whether he wants to be a part of the family.

There is so much more that ive just cried to my mum, she thinks it would be best to wait for him to contact me and to stay away for a few days with the kids. I know he'll think im in the wrong and that im keeping the kids away from him, i just don't know how long until he will get in touch. I tried calling earlier to attempt to talk but he wont answer, i had to resort to texting him (childish) to sort things out, does he want us to save our marriage, but nothing.

im trying to get everything down but feel like im rambling. What if he doesnt get in touch? Why wont he talk to me?

Talk me through the logic of your headline: why do you need him to talk to you in order to take your decision on whether or not you should leave?

I need him to talk to me to see if we have a future, to see if he wants our marriage to work, but he wont. I said i wouldnt be coming home tonight with the kids and he just said 'that's your choice', this is always his answer. I left before at the beginning of september. He wouldnt answer any calls from me until i persistantly rang and rang (stupid and desperate of me) and he just said 'you're the one who took the kids from me', you're the one who decided to leave', so i ended up apologising and coming back home.

By the same token, it is his choice not to talk to you, and you can't make him.

Can you see that?

FWIW, I believe that your choice to take the kids and go in September was the right one, but that coming home and apologising with no visible change on his part undermined your position a great deal.

Thats exactly what my mum said. She listened to my sob everything out and says his behqaviour is unacceptable, but she's bound to say that im her daughter. I guess im trying to figure out if i have done something wrong and im expecting too much from him. I sound so pathetic.

What if he doesnt get in touch?

Indeed: what of it?
So, you leave, and he chooses not to engage. What is being clearly communicated here, OP?

Why wont he talk to me?

Because he doesn't want to.
Because it suits him not to.

You haven't done anything wrong.

It is not "too much" to expect kindness and consideration from your partner and the father of your children.

He doesn't want to give you or his DC that kindness and consideration

Waiting around for him to change while bemoaning "oh, why won't he do the right thing?" serves no purpose for anyone. He won't because he won't.

What are you going to do?

I think im worried that everyone will say how awful i am for taking the kids as he says 'its your choice' to leave, but i cant leave them there.

I do love him so much, but he almost needs to go to work and have his relaxing down time, because he has a much more streesful job, where as im slef employed and he thinks, in his words 'that i sit on my fat arse all day'.

im waffliong again sorry.

I will be staying at my stepdads with the kids tonight. Tomorrow when he goes to work i will go back and collect some of our stuff. I will wait for him to ring/contact me, i think if by tonight he hasn't even asked how ds is...i dont know...

It doesn't matter what other people think. You know that you are doing the right thing. Stuff anyone else's opinion: they are not living your life, and mor eimportantly, they do not have the responsibility to watch out for your DC's wellbeing. You do.

he thinks, in his words 'that i sit on my fat arse all day'.

Charming. Do you think you deserve to be spoken to like that?

Not answering you worked for his benefit last time.

I will wait for him to ring/contact me, i think if by tonight he hasn't even asked how ds is...i dont know...

Why do you want him to call you so badly?
Why are you willing to compromise your own happiness, and your children's, for this man's attention? He doesn't want to give it to you. Staying up all night gaming couldn't express that more clearly.

What is it in your life, OP, in your set of beliefs, that allows you to think that being treated like that is OK? That you should be running after him?

because ultimately i am from a home where my mum has had serial broken marriages and i wanted to have the happy ever after. I want a long happy marriage and not go the route that is expected and take after her, which is an awful thing to say about my mum.

I know marriage is hard, i just want to make it work. Clearly it isn't and there is no happy ever after for me.

Staying off work when he is already at home, taking a child to a cold work when he is at home is hardly expecting too much from him!

Would he really not have looked after your ds adequately if you had left him to get on with it? And as for yesterday, I understand your DS wanted you, but children of working parents need to feel comfortable with either and the more your H is 'rescued' from taking responsibility, the more the children will want you - the primary carer by default. Are you enabling him to be so lazy by rescuing him from his responsibilities? I'm not sayng it's your responsibility - it's a genuine open question.

However - if he is addicted to games and gaming, he needs to sort hismelf out by seeking professional help. It isnt working for you atm, and it may well be that leaving for good, or leaving until he takes some serious action to address his depression and gamiong addiction is the only thing that will work for you.

He isn't going to magically make this alright for you, so you will need to take a strong stance of your own as in what can YOU do to make your situation better for yourself. Which may include a 'tough love' ultimatum to him - shape up or live without you. You do have a right to make your own decisions, whatever he does or does not do.

Have you tried couples counselling?

You did the right thing in Sept it would seem

because you caved, and begged to come back, you lost a lot of ground

all he thinks he needs to do now is stonewall you, because it worked last time

his gaming has now appeared to take a higher priority in his life than his family

he needs to feel the consequences of that ie. he loses his family

anything less doesn't give him a strong enough message

in the same way that may addicts have to hit rock bottom, this is the same

ignore his blaming of you for "breaking up the family"
if everyone woman took heed of that, no marriages would ever break up because of an inadequate man

they all blame someone else...it's part of the addiction and the general fuckwittedness

he isn't goin to admit it is his fault, until (and if ever) he does an awful lot of work on himself probably with the assistance of a trained counsellor

which isn't you, you cannot make him put the family first

but you can decide whether you will tolerate it...for that you don't need his permission nor his understanding

That's very sad about your childhood, OP. And the loss of your dream of a perfect family is something to grieve too.

But please don't let your dreams about a happily ever after trap you in a situation bound to make you and your children unhappy.

blu he'd never hurt the children, but i don't like them being left with him whilst he is in a foul mood. I'm not saying i don't shout at them when they've been naughty but to be angry and cross because you've been asked to get out of bed makes me anxious. And yes i suppose i do rescue him from his resposibilities. My business is a shop and on many occasion i bring them with me to save him having to. He will also only have one and not the other, making me have to take one with me.

He'd never go to couples counselling. He said he'd go to the drs at new year for advice possible anti-d's but he wont go, says he doesnt need them.

anyfucker you're right, i know he will be expecting me to cave but i cant, not this time.

hotdamn its all i wanted a perfect marriage and perfect children. I have one but not the other.

Even though it's not the life you planned, you can still have a wonderful life without a marriage, OP. Certainly without this marriage.

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, like my grandma would say.
And you can't make a "perfect" marriage, all on your own.

his behaviour is hurtng the children - by default shouting, ignoring them neglecting them.

get away and stay away.

until/unless h gets help with his addiictns nothing will change.
you doing everythinganyway - do it all without him in the way

you cant make him cahnge.
yuo can change your and dc life for the ebtter

In your shoes I'd write him a letter, rather than keep having snatched phone conversations with him and sending texts back and forth.

If you are right and he has admitted being depressed, he needs to go to the doctors and get some treatment. You can't sort anything out with him while he is depressed.

In the letter you can say that you feel his illness (depression) is affecting his outlook on life, your marriage and his role and responsibilities as a husband and father. If you feel you are in any way to blame, you can acknowledge that too.

If you do love him and feel that you want this marriage to work and that you want to be a family then why not say that you are prepared to work on it if he gets treatment for his depression?

The depression thing has to be dealt with first and only then can you really tell if there is anything worth saving.

It could be that there is nothing worth saving and that he really doesn't love you any more and doesn't care. If that's the case, then it's out of your hands anyway. You caould ask for some honesty from him in the letter too.

Obsessive and habitual gaming is an addiction and that might have to be dealt with along with the depression too before you can start work on your marriage, assuming there is anything there to save.

First things first, write the letter and ask if he's willing to get help for his depression and gaming addiction. If he says he is, and wants to give your marriage a go then you can move forward with that and try to support him and put the rest on the back burner for a while until you're getting somewhere with making him better mentally. He will have to be in the right place mentally for you to really start work on the issues in your marriage. If he's not willing to do anything to address the depressiona and gaming addiction issue then I think you have to walk away now.

• Lonely because he had to move away from his home city?
• Gaming obsession?
• Getting depressed because he hates his job?

Boo. Fucking. Hoo.
He needs to grow a pair and stop acting like some pathetic 14-year-old scrote (excuse the industrial language)

From what I have read in here, you would be completely justified in taking the children away. It's irrelevant if anyone thinks you are 'awful' for having done so, as clearly they would be wrong.

It sounds like your DH simply couldn't give a shit (again, excuse the industrial language) about you or your children.

It's great that you feel so strongly about making a success of your marriage, but a happy marriage requires effort and input from both parties. If he is not willing to make any effort whatsoever, then frankly he doesn't deserve you and your children.

DearBeirdre if he is depressed it might be affecting his state of mind. Are you dismissing depression as an illness?

It's perfectly normal for someone to think it's a huge deal to walk away from their marriage without first trying everything they can to salvage it - particularly if they have children.

Sometimes I think it's all too easy for people to read threads like these and say "ah, just kick him to the kerb". I sometimes wonder if they would be brave enough to take their own advice.

If this bloke is genuinely depressed he needs to get that treated. The they can see if they are able to work on their marriage. If it turns out he's perfectly well mentally and is still an inconsiderate dick who shows no interest in or concern for his wife and family, then it's time to walk away.

I keep harping on this on other threads, but what they heck....

Decide what the minimum you need to continue working on the marriage is. Write those boundaries down. They are boundaries, not demands, you are just letting him know that hurting you has consequences. Send them to him, give him a set time to respond. If he doesn't work on the basis that he is not willing to even do the minimum to work on the marriage, and therefore the marriage is over. Start planning on that basis. You are enabling this behaviour, you do not have to. Protect yourself and your DCs.

He'll only look after one of the dc at a time? Tells you that you sit on your fat arse all day? Claims depression but refuses to do anything about it?

If he's genuinely depressed, only he can do something about it. It's unreasonable to expect the OP to put up with this sort of treatment indefinitely until he magically gets better on his own. Sometimes it takes a shock to break someone out of their comfortable rut (and low level depression can become normal and comfortable in a way). I wouldn't go back OP unless he actively seeks treatment first, (not just says he will).

That's what I suggested intitially - don't be soft on him, issue an ultimatum that you are only prepared to work on the marriage if he gets treatment for the depression first.

I'm not advocating that she "puts up with it" for one minute. Rather that she gives him the chance to do something about it first if he genuinely is depressed.

Youare right about low level depression though Kodachrome. There are loads of women who stay mired in miserable relationships with miserable men who claim to be depressed and are not willing to do a thing about it.

For many women, although they moan like hell about it, it's just the easy option to put up with it rather than do something to make things better.