Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I cant accept that he doesn't want me i just cant.

41 replies

LaitAuChocolat · 30/01/2012 18:10

Please help me and tell me how to get throught this.

After 10 years, 2 children and lots of fighting and breaking up I finally overcame my fear of rejection and decided to offer my heart to him. Only to find that during our last seperation he met someone else. Exactly the kind of woman he has told me that he doens't like. I laid it on the line, told him I loved him wanted to marry him and for us to be tiogether properly. I texted and spoke to him for 3 weeks, and he seemed to be coming around. Last night, he came to my house at midnight lay down with me and told me everything i wanted to hear, he loved me, wanted us to get married, wanted to be where his kids are and for us to make a life together.

Then this morning, he called me to say not to tell anyone. The hair on the back of my neck stood up and i started shaking. When I had dropped the children at the childminder i texted him 'please dont change your mind'. He called me instantly to say he didnt love me and was a bit drunk and had made a mistake.

That was this morning, i still cant stop shaking.

Am so sad, hurt and feel completely empty. I had it all and for those few hours was the happiest peron in the world, now am reduced to nothing.

OP posts:

BBisBBack · 30/01/2012 18:15

Is someone who makes you feel so bad, who is capable of such emotional fuckwittery really worthy of you? Youve made him your priority whilst he treats you as an option? I personally think you need to step back be cold and see what happens. Repeated hurt will damage more.

Legobuildingpro · 30/01/2012 18:16

You had nothing at all. You don't have a self asteem, you certainly didn't have a life with this man.

What you had was an abusive, mindfucker of a oh. Who is clearly a master of pull me push me.

Who revels in building you up, to kick you straight in the face and he enjoys it.

Cut him off and get some rl help.

pchick · 30/01/2012 18:16

You probably won't like what I'm about to say, but I think it is time to move on. Maybe he felt pressurised by you recent communication which is why he proposed. Perhaps he likes the idea of marriage, but is not the committing type. I think the way forward to establish a life without him, (apart from access to children), and accept that your future may not be with him. It will be hard, but at least you won't be living your life hoping.

AnyFucker · 30/01/2012 18:20

You have to, love

I am sorry

Don't sleep with this heartless user again

Protect yourself, this is no way to live a life. Your dc's childhood will be being affected by all this angst and break up/make up bollocks

no man is worth this

GodKeepsGiving · 30/01/2012 18:22

LaitauChocolat I am so terribly sorry. This man sounds abusive and reminds me of someone I once knew. Get your children into bed and focus on you. Grieve, but realise you are worthy of so much more and now you are free to get it. He has treated you in a vile and callous way and you will come to see that it is far better that the romantic bond between you is severed, as the likelihood of him doing this again is high if he gets the chance. Please remember that the problem is his, not yours. You are not nothing, you are a mother, a woman and a human being.
Keep posting.

Original poster

LaitAuChocolat · 30/01/2012 18:27

He wants to be my friend. How am i supposed to do that? What kind of friend could i be? I'll never be able to be happy for himthat he has someone else i wish i could just wake up and feel differently but i cant. Work today was a complete trial, i was in the toilet just crying all day. I think i knew in my heart that he didnt want me so why did I persevere? Why did i wait for this to happen?

OP posts:

garlicfrother · 30/01/2012 18:27

I'm really sorry he has broken your heart. You've been tenderly keeping hopes alive that this will turn into a healthy, mutually-supportive, committed and loving relationship.

It won't.

I hope this massive head-fuck has finally brought it home for you. You will need to grieve, and you'll need to sadly let those hopes go. Start looking towards your self and your children more - I bet 80% of your thoughts are about what he might think/do/feel, Your own thoughts have been hijacked.

Welcome them back. Rest up, be kind to yourself, eat chocolate. Surround yourself with friends. Delete his numbers!

Original poster

LaitAuChocolat · 30/01/2012 18:29

i just feel so sad. completely deflated. And i cant stop crying at all.

OP posts:

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/01/2012 18:30

more to the point what kind of friend could he be? the kind who hurts you to the core and then expects you to smile and say it's all fine? he's not your friend.

so sorry you're going through this. it's been one hell of a long drama hasn't it? try to hang onto the idea that once you're through the other side of getting over him life can be calm and good and no longer lived on an exhausting rollercoaster.

when it's this dramatic i don't think we can really tell what is love, what is adrenaline, what is a competition or determination to damn well make it work after all this time and pain etc.

kids into bed. cup of tea. give yourself a hug in whatever way works for you - wrap up in a blanket, eat your favourite food, watch mindless tv, whatever. you're hurt and no doubt exhausted.

DoesntBodenWell · 30/01/2012 18:31

To build you up and then crush you the next day is just awful, and I feel for you.

But you finally decided to offer him your heart to him after TEN years and 2 children???

pictish · 30/01/2012 18:33

Oh dear. I'm so sorry OP.
He's not nice is he?

Original poster

LaitAuChocolat · 30/01/2012 18:34

Doesn't BodenWell its been a long complicated scenario, but for a long time i had to pretend to be tough and heartless because I felt he didnt care for me even thought he professed his love for me all the time, i didnt want to appear soft and needy. I got on with everything and swallowed a lot of my feelings. Its very difficult to explain, even my close friends dont understand.

OP posts:

grumpypants · 30/01/2012 18:38

Maybe he has just had enough of you being complicated? Why (unless there's a load of threads I've missed) is he the bad guy in this? You spent ten years having kids, breaking up, witholding affection and then decided the time was right to be all Mills and Boon, and he is saying no. Maybe in the cold light of day he had second thoughts - at least he rang and told you straight. Of course its shitty, but you are part of this.
Time to move on - you were right all along.

Original poster

LaitAuChocolat · 30/01/2012 18:42

grumpypants you are probably right but it hurts. I did what i thought was best at the time and now i dont know how to move on even though i know i should. He is all I have been able to think about for a long time.

OP posts:

grumpypants · 30/01/2012 18:44

God, I really am not being a cow. I just think maybe in the long run if you feel like it wasnt 'done' to you, then you might feel less like a victim. Plus for all those years you didn't really want him - take heart from that.

DoesntBodenWell · 30/01/2012 18:45

I appreciate there's more to this LaitAuChocolat, but you probably have to accept that you drove him away.

It doesn't excuse his behaviour that night and subsequent morning though.

Original poster

LaitAuChocolat · 30/01/2012 18:46

Lot of insightful advice. Grumpy i wanted him but didnt know how to go about getting him. maybe he wasnt for the getting.

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 30/01/2012 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

garlicfrother · 30/01/2012 18:49

I felt he didnt care for me even though he professed his love for me all the time,

Which culminated in last night. You were afraid he'd reject you if you showed you loved him, and you were right.

You only made two mistakes:
Not trusting your instincts
Lying about your true feelings.

You can't turn him into someone else, you know. Have more respect for yourself - your instincts are good and worth trusting; your love is good and worth having. You'll be fine. Just weather this bit, while you readjust your thoughts.

I heard this in a song yesterday: "Love does not imprison you, love will set you free." Yours must have felt like a prison ... it may have been yearning, a power game, or have felt like a test. But it wasn't love.

DoesntBodenWell · 30/01/2012 18:49

How is he emotionally abusive?

ginnyjeans · 30/01/2012 18:53

I know what it's like to not want to move on from someone even when you know they are so wrong for you. For me I was only with him a short while so for you must be particularly hard, especially when you have children. When you are in that situation though it's so hard to let go and move on. But you really want someone to WANT to be with you. Not someone you have to PERSUADE to stay with you. Why give someone 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th chances when there is someone waiting for their first. Some people are really not worth the energy unfortunately. Hugs. x

DioneTheDiabolist · 30/01/2012 19:02

I agree with Garlicfrother. For years you believed that if you professed your love for him he would reject you. You told him and he rejected you. I am so sorry, your instincts were right. Next time trust them and acknowledge your feelings.

He is not your friend. Ten years of pretending have ended, don't start lying because of him again.

Bestb411pm · 30/01/2012 19:22

"To build you up and then crush you the next day is just awful, and I feel for you."

But now you've been crushed, you have to rebuild yourself. It's absolutely fine to be devastated, but give yourself a time limit, and with the kids and work, designate a time and place to let it out. It sounds very cold but it works for some people. To be able to get through the day knowing you just have to make it till say 6pm and then you can lie in the bath and sob can help you concentrate on what needs to be done. Knowing that in two weeks time you're going to start to get a handle on things and move on - one of the biggest struggles is feeling like it's never going to end, give yourself a date and you've given yourself a cope-able time limit.

I also have to say that imho, love shouldn't be as hard as you've described it to be, rejection issues or not. To some extent your behaviour over the last 10 years must have suited him in some way or another, it sounds to me as if he's probably got more commitment issues than you tbh.

It's hurtful to go outside your comfort zone and be rejected, very hard lesson to learn, but you've made a decision on what you want your life to look like, don't let this become another reason to deny yourself what you want and be afraid of telling others what you want from them, it's only you who ends up without the things you want.

Finally I have to say, he's not your friend, friends don't do this to each other and generally friends don't make you feel like you can't be honest with them or yourself for 10 years. Personally, my dp is my best friend and I can't imagine it any other way, although I've had relationships where friendship hasn't really been involved looking back and that was ultimately always going to be it's demise. They were fine for what they were, but imho it needs more than that to work and for me personally to be happy long term.

You will be fine, your kids will be fine, hell, ultimately your relationship with him as the father of your children and as an ex will be fine once you figure out exactly where he fits in appropriately. Just don't set yourself up for more heartache, and don't let your grief consume you, accept and understand it for what it is.

AnyFucker · 30/01/2012 19:29

Him "wanting to be your friend" is just salve to his own conscience

A "friend" wouldn't hurt another person like this

He knows exactly what he's done to you, and is trying to make you think he is still a good guy

I get what some people are saying, about you being equally culpable here in your ultimate heartbreak, and perhaps he isn't a completely bad guy

but it's another reason why I always advocate being completely truthful in a relationship and not trying to be something you are not

having said that, you need to protect your own heart now, and disengage yourself from him, one day at a time

and listen to no more protestations of love and care for you, from him

he demonstrated that he has no compunction in treating you as a safe and comfortable shag when he fancies one

don't get used like that again

struwelpeter · 30/01/2012 19:42

Good site is baggage reclaim, it has lots of descriptions of mr unavailable, which is what he is. And no 1 piece of advice is no contact.
Put a fiver in a jar for every day you don't contact him or don't reply to his texts or 5p or whatever you can afford. Think of something you are going to do with the money at the end of the month that is just for you.
If he is seeing the dcs at the mo get some one to act as go between.
This kind of man and kind of emotional game playing is highly destructive.
Have a look at emotional abuse sites too.
If you want to contact him, post here ... Much more constructive and better for your self esteem.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread