I cant accept that he doesn't want me i just cant.

[LaitAuChocolat]

Please help me and tell me how to get throught this.

After 10 years, 2 children and lots of fighting and breaking up I finally overcame my fear of rejection and decided to offer my heart to him. Only to find that during our last seperation he met someone else. Exactly the kind of woman he has told me that he doens't like. I laid it on the line, told him I loved him wanted to marry him and for us to be tiogether properly. I texted and spoke to him for 3 weeks, and he seemed to be coming around. Last night, he came to my house at midnight lay down with me and told me everything i wanted to hear, he loved me, wanted us to get married, wanted to be where his kids are and for us to make a life together.

Then this morning, he called me to say not to tell anyone. The hair on the back of my neck stood up and i started shaking. When I had dropped the children at the childminder i texted him 'please dont change your mind'. He called me instantly to say he didnt love me and was a bit drunk and had made a mistake.

That was this morning, i still cant stop shaking.

Am so sad, hurt and feel completely empty. I had it all and for those few hours was the happiest peron in the world, now am reduced to nothing.

If he'd arrived in the morning bearing a massive bouquet and the makings for bucks fizz and scrambled eggs with smoked same, or he met you from work carrying a placard saying 'will you marry me', you could have placed some reliance that he meant what he was saying.

But words of love from men who turn up at midnight, after having spent the evening in a pub, are rarely to be given any credence.

He probably had a tiff with his new ladylove and knew you would be available for a shag to soothe his wounded ego - you won't be falling for that one again, will you?

Don't worry about trying to be happy for him that he has someone else; be relieved for yourself that some other poor woman's lumbered with the lying git.

Wtf??!! smoked same? smoked salmon

izzyisin , i think that is exactly what happened. Why are people so cruel? It was totally out of character for me to open up the way i did, i literally bared my soul to him and he took that opportunity to completely floor me. The only contact we have had recently where he was reciprocating was when he had had a drink. I feel really stupid typing that, i knew it but was just grasping for some response from him. My God How Sad.

It's not sad Lait, it's cruel and pathetic on his part.

All you did is what people do when they want things to move in a certain direction, it doesn't happen magically, someone has to start the conversation. You should be able to discuss your real feelings with the person you love, their reaction is the only thing that deserves scrutiny and it's not the healthiest reaction to use a negative response as reason to berate yourself and justify spending years in limbo lying to not only other people but yourself.

He's the bad guy here, he's the one who should have been grown up enough to be honest with himself and you and not bow to a pressure to say what you wanted to hear if that's not how he felt. Sure it would have hurt, but ripping off the plaster quickly is better than peeling it off slowly.

You have spent years, at your own admission, putting a 'face' on things. It's time to stop because all it's done is hurt you, it's blatantly not worked as a form of self preservation.

You are not sad, weak, pathetic or anything even coming close to any of those things. Wanting a stable relationship with someone you love is a completely normal thing to discuss with them. If anything your relationship has been abnormal and destructive for you if it hasn't ultimately made you happy. Realising that and attempting to rectify it is not a sign of desperation or weakness in the slightest.

lovely wise advice from bestb4 (great name too).

it sounds to me like the whole putting a face on for ten years was a defense mechanism against whatever arm's length games he's been playing with you and you even came to believe it was you who was holding back and could fix things by 'getting it right'. your instincts were always right, instead of trusting them you doubted yourself and found a way to make it your problem.

i think sometime soon you will feel relieved and know you did the right thing. by telling him and not holding back and playing the game anymore you brought things to a head and got to see the truth.

LaitAuChocolat, that isn't sad at all, it's what you had to do to see what he was really like. Like others have said, you deserve so much more than he could ever give you. The right person for you won't use your weaknesses and insecurities against you, they'll help you find strength and confidence. You did have a part to play in that relationship, you allowed yourself to be in a relationship that was built on game playing rather than honesty and openness. You can learn from that now, and make better choices in future.

Some people will be cruel when they are backed into a corner, even if they didn't ever seem like someone who could be so cruel.

They're not cruel so much as shallow, honey. Their morals are skewed and they become users who generally end up as losers.

You didn't have 'it all' for those few hours or any other time - you were just grasping at one of the straws your relationship was built on.

It's time to think about damage limitation to salvage your pride. When he comes to visit/collect the dc, act as if absolutely nothing occurred last night - you didn't see him, didn't talk to him, didn't shag him.

Convince yourself that you had a bad dream and don't allow your current emotional neediness to cloud your judgement again.

Your heart may have a dent in it but it's not broken and, although you may not believe this now, you'll find that it will be as good as new in a very short space of time.

Frankly, the relationship you had with this guy sounds hellish - lots of fighting and breaking up? You deserve a lot more than that and so, more particularly, do your dc.

He is clearly not the man you wanted him to be. Perhaps you can use this to allow yourself to be more in control of the situation.

I know that emotionally, you can't stop caring about him. But if you can really see him for who he is, think about why he is not for you, and how he has hurt/used you then you can still make a choice yourself.

You can tell yourself, that you no longer want to be him, regardless of what he says/does-and he may turn up again-and that allows you to be in control.

I'm not saying that this will be easy, but keep telling yourself that you are better without him, and one day you'll realise that it's true.

thank you to all who replied, especially all who replied on the 2nd page, especially BestB4, Fayster Santa and Izzyisin i need to be told the truth but thanks for wrapping it in cotton wool instead or writing it on a brick and chucking it at me :-) i'm going to bed hopefully will feel better in the morning Goodnight all and again, thanks.

goodnight lait. hope you get some sleep x

morning - hope you feel a little brighter. hang in there x

I hope today is much better for you. When I'm going through any kind of heartache I find setting a time limit, as suggested by a PP helps. So I would say to myself, "I am going to curl up in a corner and eat chocolate cake for two days, sob my heart out and then put it behind me and move on". Normally half way through day one I feel strong enough to do so - giving yourself healing time and space really helps.

There is a little warning though. If you do become strong, independent and show you don't need him, he is going to come crawling back to you, begging, pleading, saying he's changed, blah, blah, blah, until you are right where he wants you and then he will be an absolute shit again. You know it's going to happen so you can be forewarned. He will not change, men don't. There is a wise saying "Men marry women hoping they won't change, women marry men hoping they will".

Now go away, eat some biscuits and raise a cup of tea to the Gods for rescuing you from this shit of a man by showing you the true nature of the situation.

I am so sorry you are hurting, but htis man is a vile user.

He told you everything he knew you wanted to hear to get you into bed and took all his promises off the table once he got what he wanted.

I would be absolutely disgusted at him.

Of course mourn what could have been, but what could have been and what he actually is are two very different things.

Stand uo for yourself here and show him you are not a blubbering wreck (meant in nicest possible way) and you will not accept his behaviour.

It hurts of course, but as said, you are now free to meet someone else that wants to commit to you. Carry on daydreaming about this idiot coming back and you could waste precious years of your life.

No man is worth this amount of hurt - no man that is worthy of you.

Take care and stay strong. xx

He sounds horrible :(

I don't really understand how offering him your heart came after 10 years (on/off) together and two children. Maybe I'm really old fashioned but I thought that was sort of the first bit.

It must feel awful that he doesn't want you. Rejection is appalling. But please don't reflect this on yourself. You are not unloveable but he is incapable of loving you and that isn't your fault.

Much luck to you.

Choc so sorry for your pain.

What you need to do is do some research on the narcissistic/co-dependent relationship. There is lots of information on Youtube and google.

I know this doesn't make any sense to you right now, but this is the key to the rest of your life. Learning to stand on your own feet, taking your power back, etc.

Good luck.

(at the moment you are just coming over weak and needy and not valuable to him)

You need to STOP giving him your heart/trying to please him/trying to talk to him/all the stuff you are doing now.

It doesn't work, does it? And it hasn't worked for 10 years. So now? It's time to learn a different way (of being).

And him, what happens to him, where you two end up - STOP focussing on that. When you change, life will change. But you? You must change.