Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp walked out. Have I been honest or a heartless cow? So confused....

36 replies

turbulent99 · 30/01/2012 17:58

(Namechanged). Bit of background, been with dp for 12 yrs since I was 19, he's 10 yrs older with dd from previous r'ship and we have 2 dcs aged 5 and 3. He used to have his dd every weekend when she was younger and I used to help to collect and drop her off, sometimes a 50 mile round trip as he didnt drive. I suppose I feel i sacrificed a bit of my youth/going out as he couldn't or i would go out alone. Not sure if that's relevant, his dd is older now and we rarely see her and as young as i was it was my choice.
He has issues from his childhood which i think has had an effect on him. He had an accident at work a few years ago where he wasn't injured but suffered post traumatic stress. I was pregnant at the time but he has always said i wasnt there for him. Recently things came to a head again as a close friend (more his tbh) died unexpectedly and he's not been taking it too well, again accusing me of not being there. Maybe he's right, the thing is i'm not sure I love him as a partner anymore, i don't think i fancy him although i could have a laugh with him as a friend iyswim. If I try to be affectionate, it feels as if I'm being false. I don't enjoy sex with him, haven't for ages. It just feels like a chore that i have to do to give him some relief, but i feel bad if i dont do it :(
Anyway, we had a massive row earlier, things have been quite strained and I said that maybe he's right, I can't be there for him and he would be better off without me, the whole thing is making me miserable. He's walked out and i don't know if he's coming back or whether i want him to apart from the dcs sake of course.
I know he's upset but i feel as if i've finally been honest, am i supposed to carry on living a lie. He's says i've ruined his life by having 2 dcs and moving to where we are now. He's good with the dcs but can be quite critical of me and has anger issues i think, where sometimes I feel scared to say what i feel. He always moans about how I dont appreciate him and how he 'works all the time'. I don't feel appreciated tho, he thinks staying at home with the dcs and doing the majority of the house work (which is what i do) is the 'easy option'. He gave up on the garden last year so i've been stressing over how to mange that aswell, in someways i feel i would be better on my own, i know i could manage financially as i know how to budget. He also slags off my family as says i'm 'just like them' and slags off friends of mine that aren't his. He says it's my fault he hasn't got any friends (not true, he has got friends). I know i haven't been there for him emotionally but maybe that's because there's nothing there anymore. Surely better to split now than if i end up sleeping with someone else :/
I suppose what I'm trying to say is should i continue trying to force it if feel i would be happier on my own? He's a good bloke really, wouldn't cheat on me or anything like that but i'm not sure i can cope with it anymore, does that make me totally selfish?

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 30/01/2012 18:10

Blimey, it's all your fault, isn't it? Hmm

Did you trick him into having the two kids, force him to move, etc?

It's the first time I've said it but leave the (miserable) bastard.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/01/2012 18:13

i agree with you that it is better to split now. not seeing sleeping with someone else as an alternative though or why you would. is there someone else?

relationship sounds awful and very clearly you are not in love with him anymore. this is no great surprise, i'm sure you've done a lot of growing up and moving on since you were 19 and the age gap probably gave him a lot of power and control. i'm cynical and suspect that was what he was after hence going for a teenager when he was nearly 30.

it doesn't make you selfish imo. it's over, that happens and you've been honest. probably best to see it through now rather than drag it all out with ifs and maybes.

StripeyScarf · 30/01/2012 18:15

Well, if it were you saying he had acted the same way we would be mown down in the rush to call him an evil prick and leave the bastard

So in the interests of fair play, he should leave the heartless bitch who has obviously mentally checked out of the relationship (whatever that crap means) lol

AnyFucker · 30/01/2012 18:15

I agree with you

You would be better off without him

And you would manage, quite easily, without another demanding child to pander to

These "anger issues" ? How do they manifest themselves ? It must be quite serious if you are actually walking on eggshells and frightened to speak up because of his reaction.

Original poster
turbulent99 · 30/01/2012 18:26

StripeyScarf - maybe i am a heartless bitch and have checked out of the relationship but all i'm trying to be is honest now.

Any fucker - The anger issues are if we have a row, he doesn't let me say my point and/or twists it all round so it's my fault or says it's me who's twisting it, gets really angry, shouts loudly, infront of the kids, calls me names and occasionally takes it out on inanimate objects like punching a kitchen cupboard or throwing a chair down the stairs:/ When i said earlier on, don't smash up any of my stuff if your going to, smash up your own, he said he was going to smash my head in :( that was the final straw for me, i don't think he would, he has never hit me and i think he was saying it to get a reaction.

Santa, i think you're right about the age gap, sometimes i feel like he feels he's more my dad the way he talks to me, i feel as if i have to ask his permission for things even tho he denies this.

OP posts:
Original poster
turbulent99 · 30/01/2012 18:30

Also, there isnt anyone else but i feel i could be attracted to someone else if they came along, probably shows the state of the relationship tbh.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 30/01/2012 18:31

'He's a good bloke really'

I'd be interested to see your definition of a bad bloke.

RitaMorgan · 30/01/2012 18:32

It sounds miserable. I wouldn't stay in a relationship like that, and it certainly isn't any good for for your DC to see him threatening and insulting you and smashing things.

Original poster
turbulent99 · 30/01/2012 18:33

I suppose I feel he's been through a lot, i've not been there for him, he's good with the kids and wouldnt cheat but i dont feel i can carry on anymore.

OP posts:
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/01/2012 18:33

he's abusive and violent. just because he hasn't hit you (yet) doesn't mean he's not violent - punching, throwing things etc is violent. he is aggressive in front of the children and towards you.

you are not a selfish bitch in the slightest - you are, i hope, waking up to the shitness of this relationship and wanting more for yours and your children's lives.

DoesntBodenWell · 30/01/2012 18:34

For his sake, you should leave.

StewieGriffinsMom · 30/01/2012 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
turbulent99 · 30/01/2012 18:38

Forgot to add that my drinking has esculated recently aswell, probably because i'm so miserable, but he makes me feel as if im not allowed to be unhappy as HE is the one with all the issues/problems....

OP posts:
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/01/2012 19:05

for his sake boden? he's an abusive man who screams and shouts and punches things in front of children and scares the OP. you seem to have it in for OP's tonight - i've just seen you on another thread being really harsh to a woman who is really upset.

you can address your drinking turbulent. have you told the doctor?

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/01/2012 19:06

hit post too soon. doctor could talk things through with you and be someone you check in with about your drinking. might also be able to refer you for some counselling to talk about what you've been through in this relationship and give you some support recovering.

Original poster
turbulent99 · 30/01/2012 19:12

No I haven't seen the gp but thinking about it. Thanks Santa, some good advice from you.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/01/2012 19:50

He sounds like an abusive man, OP, whose abusive behaviour is likely to escalate

you are best off out of it...for your sake, and your dc's

he can take his own fucking chances

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 30/01/2012 20:02

if we have a row, he doesn't let me say my point and/or twists it all round so it's my fault or says it's me who's twisting it, gets really angry, shouts loudly, infront of the kids, calls me names and occasionally takes it out on inanimate objects like punching a kitchen cupboard or throwing a chair down the stairs:/ When i said earlier on, don't smash up any of my stuff if your going to, smash up your own, he said he was going to smash my head in

That's abuse, turbulent.

And it's not acceptable.

Your instinct in falling out of love with him is accurate: heed those feelings. They have good reason to be there.

Original poster
turbulent99 · 30/01/2012 21:58

It's beginning to dawn on me after reading other threads that perhaps he is abusive :( things like taking the piss out of me and then saying its a joke or that i don't have a sense of humour any more, accusing me of being too sensitive if i get upset, making me feel bad or scared to spilt up with him because of the dcs, HE won't see them everyday, will have to sacrifice his weekends etc etc. He says he doesn't mind if i go out with friends but if i do he makes me feel bad, makes me pay. Says i have the 'life of riley'. Says i'm confusing and don't make sense, that i'm a prude/emotionally cold/hard. If i was to say any of this to him he would say that i'm exagerrating, overreacting. But I'm the one who has to pick up the pieces for the whole family because he is upset over his friend dying. I know this is bad, but what happens the next time something serious happens?
He says its my fault he will have to leave his home (it's my house anyway) but i've said he can take the (shared) car as he paid for it, i will just do without!
He hardly ever gets involved with my family because he doesn't like them (on both sides). Most family events i go to alone with the dcs, feel like a single parent anyway....
He says i can buy things for myself when i get out there working (I cant afford my own car/pc) but when i bring this up, that's its unfair as the only reason i haven't been working is because of the dc's he says it was just a joke!!
He gives me funny looks and when i challenge him about it he says i'm paranoid.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/01/2012 22:03

I really don't like the sound of him.

solidgoldbrass · 30/01/2012 22:04

He's a knob and an abuser. Don't be scared of getting rid of him, abusive men always threaten that they will make your life hell, throw you out without a penny, get custody etc and it's all bullshit. You don;t need his permission to dump him. If you have evidence of stuff he's smashed up you shouldn't have too much trouble getting an occupation order ie him being forced to move out and prohibited from coming back.

LapsedPacifist · 30/01/2012 22:17

Well, if its YOUR house then I'd be inclined to make sure he can't get back in tonight(chain on door?) and change the locks in the morning. Leave his stuff in a bag on the doorstep, ignore his calls and texts and let him stew for a while. He chose to walk out on you and his DC Hmm.

Honestly, what you are describing is classic "gaslighting" behaviour. Making everything wrong with his life and everything HE can't cope with all YOUR fault.

If nothing else you deserve a break from this horrible behaviour and from having to tip-toe around him.Think of his absence as a well-deserved holiday for yourself and make some enquiries about benefits. This could be the start of a new life!

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/01/2012 22:34

he's a nasty nob and you need to get shot of him. you were young and naive and now you're not so get rid and start a new life.

it sounds like you're strong - if you weren't he'd have alienated you from your family and friends by now and totally isolated you.

thank god it's your house!

Original poster
turbulent99 · 30/01/2012 23:14

I think you're right santa, I know he won't be back tonight but I have to be strong and make sure he doesn't try and talk me back round. I know I dont want to be with him anymore, the prospect of more years of unfulling sex among other things doesn't excactly fill me joy :/.
I suppose I'm worried what friends and family will think but in my heart of hearts know they will be supportive, i just know he is going to give it 'she dumped me when i was grieving one of my best mates' line. But it's just the tip of the iceberg really.
I was worried about the dc's and i know it's early days but they dont seem too upset by it, probably better now than when they are older, i know he will see them when he gets himself sorted.
Tomorrow i am going to make an appointment with the doctor for my drinking/depression and investigate benefits, i know i have to take control of my own life...

OP posts:
LapsedPacifist · 30/01/2012 23:21

Hey, well done you! Please get some support from your GP. You can get through all this, and it's totally normal to need some help along the way! Smile