(Namechanged). Bit of background, been with dp for 12 yrs since I was 19, he's 10 yrs older with dd from previous r'ship and we have 2 dcs aged 5 and 3. He used to have his dd every weekend when she was younger and I used to help to collect and drop her off, sometimes a 50 mile round trip as he didnt drive. I suppose I feel i sacrificed a bit of my youth/going out as he couldn't or i would go out alone. Not sure if that's relevant, his dd is older now and we rarely see her and as young as i was it was my choice.
He has issues from his childhood which i think has had an effect on him. He had an accident at work a few years ago where he wasn't injured but suffered post traumatic stress. I was pregnant at the time but he has always said i wasnt there for him. Recently things came to a head again as a close friend (more his tbh) died unexpectedly and he's not been taking it too well, again accusing me of not being there. Maybe he's right, the thing is i'm not sure I love him as a partner anymore, i don't think i fancy him although i could have a laugh with him as a friend iyswim. If I try to be affectionate, it feels as if I'm being false. I don't enjoy sex with him, haven't for ages. It just feels like a chore that i have to do to give him some relief, but i feel bad if i dont do it :(
Anyway, we had a massive row earlier, things have been quite strained and I said that maybe he's right, I can't be there for him and he would be better off without me, the whole thing is making me miserable. He's walked out and i don't know if he's coming back or whether i want him to apart from the dcs sake of course.
I know he's upset but i feel as if i've finally been honest, am i supposed to carry on living a lie. He's says i've ruined his life by having 2 dcs and moving to where we are now. He's good with the dcs but can be quite critical of me and has anger issues i think, where sometimes I feel scared to say what i feel. He always moans about how I dont appreciate him and how he 'works all the time'. I don't feel appreciated tho, he thinks staying at home with the dcs and doing the majority of the house work (which is what i do) is the 'easy option'. He gave up on the garden last year so i've been stressing over how to mange that aswell, in someways i feel i would be better on my own, i know i could manage financially as i know how to budget. He also slags off my family as says i'm 'just like them' and slags off friends of mine that aren't his. He says it's my fault he hasn't got any friends (not true, he has got friends). I know i haven't been there for him emotionally but maybe that's because there's nothing there anymore. Surely better to split now than if i end up sleeping with someone else :/
I suppose what I'm trying to say is should i continue trying to force it if feel i would be happier on my own? He's a good bloke really, wouldn't cheat on me or anything like that but i'm not sure i can cope with it anymore, does that make me totally selfish?