Sounds trivial - Mum phoning me too much

[fabulousathome]

This might sound trivial and I know some would be grateful if their parents take an interest but my Mum phones me far too much.

I don't seem to be able to get her to stop it as even when I say "I'll phone you", she always gets in first. It's always inconvenient too. I have told her I will ring her in the evening after my supper but this doesn't suit her.

She expects to speak to me every single day and has done since I was married (I've been married for over 25 years now). On the odd occasion that I've mentioned that it's not necessary to call all the time (she has free local calls, as do I) she tells me about other people's children who speak to their mother three times a day and so on. I'm not even that nice to her on the phone but she still doesn't get it. My sister lives in another country and visits once a year. I get told with delight that she has phoned them (maybe once a fortnight). DH is an only child and we have quite a lot to deal with for his mother who is a widow.

When my DC were young she would phone every day at 6pm (as that's when the cheaper calls started). I don't like to not answser the phone just in case it's something urgent. Every day I said that I was feeding my DC and would ring back but she continued for years ignoring my wishes. I don't understand how she wasn't offended by me saying it' wasn't convenient and wouldn't modify her behaviour. Water off a duck's back!

Since the free calls, some years ago, she rings me with odd thoughts or "news" such as Mrs so-and-so's daughter is pregnant or has qualified as a Dr (unlike me who doesn't have much a career is what's implied).

Now she is very elderly (although she still has my Dad) I can understand it more I suppose but she wants to know every single tiny detail of what I have been doing. When I say "nothing much" it's not enough for her. I do sometimes say, "Well, I emptied the dishwasher and then I ironed four shirts, then I went for a walk and made soup towards dinner". Surely these things are not interesting to anyone!

I'm so fed up of being interogated and my heart sinks when she calls. I have recently realised that a really lovely birthday gift from her to me (it's my birthday fairly soon) would be for her to not phone me for a few days. Even when we are abroad she will call every day to "check in" as it were. I have even gone outside and rang my own doorbell occasionally as an excuse to go or said that my mobile is ringing with one of my DC's wanting to speak. She will go and then ring me back in a few minutes to see what they have said!

Now she seems to phone me twice a day or sometimes more and wants full reports. Honestly I'm really not that great and don't do anything much that's interesting. But I don't want to be questioned about it. She hasn't changed, when my sister and I were little we used to joke between ourselves that she should work for the Russians as an interogator. Now I am pretty old (my DC are in their 20s) it's all got worse. It's one of the worst things in my life (yeah, lucky me if that's the worst thing).

I don't want to cut contact completely for extreme noseyness but is their any hope that i can get her to change? I'm scared not to answer the phone as there might be an emergency as they are elderly.

I have a similar issue with my mum, but not as extreme. It feels as if I am being hounded by her at times but I don't pick up the phone every time, I let it go to answerphone.

Seriously, you need to get an answerphone and leave her to it. It will mean breaking the pattern of 25 years but you can do it. Screen the calls. You will still pick up anything serious.

She won't change but you can.. really you have to not answer the phone. Try answering only every other day.

Also, you ask if you can get her to change. What you really need to ask yourself is if YOU can change. It will be difficult to start to react differnetly to her behaviour.

I have started answering with 'Nothing wrong? Good. i'll ring you in half an hour - in the middle of something'.

Mine isn't as extreme as yours though.

Get rid of the landline for budgeting reasons. I don't have a landline as I'm not a phone chatter and my mum and nana are. Or if you can't face doing that get an answer phone and USE IT.

Screen your calls and call her back when it is convenient for you to talk.

I would screen her too. Also, phone her when it's convenient to you, even if you have already spoken to her. Can you phone from your car? I do this as it gets it out of the way.

Every day I said that I was feeding my DC and would ring back but she continued for years ignoring my wishes. I don't understand how she wasn't offended by me saying it' wasn't convenient and wouldn't modify her behaviour.

One part of the answer to that is that you aren't actually stating your wishes, are you? "It's not convenient" is very different from "I do not want to speak to you every day".

She is not modifying her behaviour because she doesn't have to. And it pays off for her: you are still picking up the phone every day.

You can state what you really want.
You can simply not pick up the phone.

If she's offended, she's offended. But look: she's not in the business of respecting your wishes. Only you have the power to make your wishes heard, and respected.

You might also find the chapter entitled "The Smotherer" in this book useful.

I seriously doubt anyone with a healthy relationship with their mum talks to them 3 times a day. And if they do, they do it out of choice.

'Nothing wrong? Good. i'll ring you in half an hour - in the middle of something'.

Great line :)

Answer machine!

She's phoned you every single day for the past 25 years?! I speak to my Mum perhaps once a fortnight, odd email in between. We get on fine. If you've told her it's not convient and she's continued to do it, she's obviously pretty thick-skinned so you need to be more blunt.

You must feel completely suffocated.

You don't even need to get an answer machine, use the 1571 messaging service. To activate it, you dial 1571. After activation it will kick in after 6 rings and take messages. to check if you have messages, pick up phone, an interrupted dial tone means you have messages, dial 1571 to get them, you can listen, save or delete.

'Nothing wrong? Good. i'll ring you in half an hour - in the middle of something'.

I had the same many years ago, sadly my mother is no longer here to call, but I would use the above line ............. then take the phone off the hook so that she can't call you back in 5 mins.

Thanks for all your responses. It's good to know that I'm not being unreasonable. I know I need to be stronger about it all. Yes, I think I'll stop answering the landline. She doesn't like ringing my mobile because she only has pay as you go which is expensive.

You are right, it is mental torture. She rang me this morning to talk about buying a birthday gift for someone. The party is in 3 weeks time so it could have easily waited until the evening! When she spoke she ended with "I'll ring you this evening for a proper chat" and I said "I'm going out" which I am. Usual pattern would be that she rings anyway cos I'm not sure she remembers that I'm going out. I just need to be in control of this.

Thanks for the total reassurance that I'm not being Unreasonable. She really does think I am!

I wonder if she might be a mild narcisist (due to the 6pm ringing thing) as what I am doing is only of interest to her if she can tell her friends about it. One her favourite phrases is "so what shall I say if anybody asks about xxxxx?"

By the way, if I want to talk to my (grown up) DCs I either email them with news or I text and ask when it would be convenient to call. In the text I say if it's something important that can't wait or if it's just for a normal chat. I do try and not talk about the subject of "other people's children and their successes". One of my DC's once told me that I only told him bad things about other people!

I wonder if she might be a mild narcisist (due to the 6pm ringing thing) as what I am doing is only of interest to her if she can tell her friends about it. One her favourite phrases is "so what shall I say if anybody asks about xxxxx?"

Probably not "mild", no.

1. Get a phone/answerphone combination that has a nice big display screen included and a ringer that is easily switched off to silent.

1. Sign up for caller display with your service provider.

1. Only answer the phone when it suits you to do so. This has the added benefit of being able to ignore most sales and marketing calls!

Let it go onto answer machine, let whoever it is start speaking, and if you want to speak to them, pick it up and say "so sorry but I didn't get to the phone in time." If you don't bother replying to her message (or just reply with a text, saying am fine but busy, will speak another time) then she will gradually get the hint. This sort of worked on my mother, but at the start you might end up with 6 or 7 answering machine messages in a row as she can't believe you wouldn't pick up ... .

Sympathies OP

ohmygosh - yes, this only sort of works with mine too. She doesnt quite get the point of leaving a message! I just get lots of recorded "Hellllloooooo?"s or slightly hysterical sounding "Is there anybody theeeeere?"s.

When i panic and ring straight back i find she just wanted to tell me about the milkman's brother's son in law's wife's toe operation ...... or something similar

Mind you I can see WHY Mum would want lots of contact. I cn forsee myself in 30 years not quite getting that my dc no longer need to tug out of me all day.

It's a bit annoying, but with my mother at least it's not any kind of disorder just she still wants to feel quite central in our lives, which is fair enough I think.

sounds to me as if your mom may be a bit lonely and just need a chat, i know you said she has your dad but im sure he blanks her out like my dad does to my mom and isnt interested in the trivial stuff she wants to talk about.......i speak to my mom 2-3 times a week and yes its trivial stuff and she does like to be informed of day to day stuff.........we bought a new dinig room table and chairs recently and when i said they had been delivered my mom said ' you didnt tell me youd bought them' LOL so my DH asked her if there was a price limit we needed to discuss with her before spending. I think you are being hard on her but i also think you need to toughen up, not answer the phone if you arent in the mood to talk ( turn the ringer off if necessary) and be firm and say i will speak to you on Wednesday and then dont talk to her on tuesday etc.

I think it may be an old age thing. My mother has got so much worse in the last few years I actually worry if it could be the beginning of dementia.
If I go out in the morning I could easily come home to 10 missed calls on my landline.
She will also phone, speak to me, then hang up and then phone again 30 seconds later and the conversation will be along the lines of " well I think I'll have a cup of tea now and then maybe after I read the paper I'll go to the Post Office....". If I don't answer she just keeps trying until I do or else she just calls round. I have been known to not answer the door and then say later I was in a meeting.
I really only have time to give anyone very edited highlights of what I do because I am just too bloody busy but I know she wants more than that. I also work from home and only have mornings when the dc are at school so have to really concentrate for those few hours - not spend the morning on the phone relating my latest exciting trip to Tescos.
When she is not here I will feel dreadful for posting this. My mother also has a couple of friends who ring her or she rings them twice a day to check each other is still alive...

My mum is similar. She phones everyday and god forbid I might be out having a life . I remember a friend invited me & kids round for coffee one day and we were there all day. I'd forgotten my mobile and she even rang dh at work to check I was ok cos I wasn't answering the phone . When I got in and phoned her back wondering why she'd phoned so many times and left messages, she was like "Oh you are alive are you?" and I said "Yes, why, what did you want?" and she said "Well nothing, I just rang for a chat and was worried when you didn't answer" on a frigging weekday when she'd spoken to me less than 12 hours before

It's not usually a big problem but I did get rather narky with her when dd2 was a baby and she would phone, I'd be busy changing a nappy or getting her off to sleep and therefore not answer and she'd keep ringing again and again. I'd be sat there debating whether to try and pull the phone wire out of the wall or answer it and shout "FUCK OFF, I WANT MY BABY TO GO TO SLEEP"

Not much help but you have my sympathies

Thank you all again.

Yes, I know it's not too terrible in the great scheme of things but it does drive me mad. Now she's older (logically) it doesn't seem as bad as it did when she was younger IYSWIM. I know when she's gone I will miss the constant phone calls as there will be no-one who will be that interested in the minutae of my day.

Suffocating. I would feel stalked. My mil was like this. I would only pick up once a week. If she left a panicked message, I'd text her to say all fine but busy byeee. She soon got the message.