Sounds trivial - Mum phoning me too much

[fabulousathome]

This might sound trivial and I know some would be grateful if their parents take an interest but my Mum phones me far too much.

I don't seem to be able to get her to stop it as even when I say "I'll phone you", she always gets in first. It's always inconvenient too. I have told her I will ring her in the evening after my supper but this doesn't suit her.

She expects to speak to me every single day and has done since I was married (I've been married for over 25 years now). On the odd occasion that I've mentioned that it's not necessary to call all the time (she has free local calls, as do I) she tells me about other people's children who speak to their mother three times a day and so on. I'm not even that nice to her on the phone but she still doesn't get it. My sister lives in another country and visits once a year. I get told with delight that she has phoned them (maybe once a fortnight). DH is an only child and we have quite a lot to deal with for his mother who is a widow.

When my DC were young she would phone every day at 6pm (as that's when the cheaper calls started). I don't like to not answser the phone just in case it's something urgent. Every day I said that I was feeding my DC and would ring back but she continued for years ignoring my wishes. I don't understand how she wasn't offended by me saying it' wasn't convenient and wouldn't modify her behaviour. Water off a duck's back!

Since the free calls, some years ago, she rings me with odd thoughts or "news" such as Mrs so-and-so's daughter is pregnant or has qualified as a Dr (unlike me who doesn't have much a career is what's implied).

Now she is very elderly (although she still has my Dad) I can understand it more I suppose but she wants to know every single tiny detail of what I have been doing. When I say "nothing much" it's not enough for her. I do sometimes say, "Well, I emptied the dishwasher and then I ironed four shirts, then I went for a walk and made soup towards dinner". Surely these things are not interesting to anyone!

I'm so fed up of being interogated and my heart sinks when she calls. I have recently realised that a really lovely birthday gift from her to me (it's my birthday fairly soon) would be for her to not phone me for a few days. Even when we are abroad she will call every day to "check in" as it were. I have even gone outside and rang my own doorbell occasionally as an excuse to go or said that my mobile is ringing with one of my DC's wanting to speak. She will go and then ring me back in a few minutes to see what they have said!

Now she seems to phone me twice a day or sometimes more and wants full reports. Honestly I'm really not that great and don't do anything much that's interesting. But I don't want to be questioned about it. She hasn't changed, when my sister and I were little we used to joke between ourselves that she should work for the Russians as an interogator. Now I am pretty old (my DC are in their 20s) it's all got worse. It's one of the worst things in my life (yeah, lucky me if that's the worst thing).

I don't want to cut contact completely for extreme noseyness but is their any hope that i can get her to change? I'm scared not to answer the phone as there might be an emergency as they are elderly.

I don't know why I clicked on this thread - it's made me feel abit sad.

You honestly don't know what it feels like to not have her there anymore - when you need her...

I so want to talk to my mum and she's not here anymore

Shiney, you have aptly demonstrated the "bad mummy taboo".

There is no shame in deciding the limits of what one will tolerate, even from a parent.

I think TalkTalk are still offering an anytime deal for international calls, OP - it was about £10 per month. I'd be paying for that in the hope she rings your sister instead!

I hate phonecalls so would hate this, but would have made it clear before now that I don't do daily calls. Once or twice a week is fine for me. When abroad I only switch my mobile on occasionally to save the battery and I'm not someone who carries their mobile everywhere and I don't give out phone numbers of where we are staying so relatives don't phone me, just the odd text.
I agree let the phone go to answer phone sometimes and shorten your phonecalls. It shouldn't be that the person who wants phone contact most frequently always gets their own way, you should be able to come to a compromise, that's part of her regarding you as an equal adult not a subordinate daughter. She obviously can cut down the phone frequency as she has with your sister as there are many ways of getting cheap overseas calls eg skype she just hasn't bothered, and she isn't lonely as she has your dad.

Your children will think of you this way Shineon, mine already do. I'm divorced and I know that when with their dad they don't want bothered with daily phonecalls as I get "what is it mum, I'm in the middle of x?"
I don't take it as rejection, just a sign they are happily getting on with their lives and that I should get on with mine. They know I am here if they want me.
I will not be phoning them daily when they are older.

This isn't a trivial problem, as suggested by the OP's title.

And it's not about failing to appreciate your mother, or loving her less. The amount of love you have for a person does not neccesarily correlate to how many minutes a day you speak to them.

It's not even about the OP's mum getting old or lonely - it's been going on for 25 years.

This is about boundaries (like the fact that OP's mum doesn't respect hers) and self-absorption (and the fact that OP's mum hears her daughter's words e.g. we're eating dinner, but chooses to continue talking about them).

OP needs to change her bahviour, and put up with any tantrums from her mother as a result - it may take a few months, it may permanently alter the dynamics of the relationship, but no one should force their wishes on another like this - if my husband's parents called every evening as we were sitting down to dinner, and he explained a few times that we were eating, it would make me feel hemmed in and hounded! So why should OP's household put up with the unwanted imposition? It would be different if the OP even enjoyed recounting every last detail of her day to the SS telling her mum about her day, but she doesn't - she finds it too much.

OP - be strong. Put into place the practical solutions people have suggested here, and have the willpower to carry this out. Your mum is NEVER going to change - you need to change the dynamics here.

You may even find that your relationship improves in the longer term (after she's pulled emotional guilt cards like "What have I done to deserve this?" / "Don't you love your mum any more?" / "Mrs Bloggs daughter calls her every night" etc), because you may end up enjoying catching up with her... as opposed to right now, where it feels like yet another obligation or duty in a long line of them in daily life!

It shouldn't be that the person who wants phone contact most frequently always gets their own way, you should be able to come to a compromise, that's part of her regarding you as an equal adult not a subordinate daughter.

Forgot to mention that this is a very good point.

I never do understand people who seem to think me carrying a mobile or having a landline is so that they can contact me whenever they want. It's for my convenience, unless you're my employer and I'm on call - so when I don't want to answer it, I don't - it's not often, but sometimes I do like to just switch off all the noise (tv, computer, phone calls) for an evening and settle in for a quiet read or something if the kids are you. Let's face it, if it's an emergency anyone I do know will try my mobile a 2nd time, and I know to answer (has only occured once in 15 years of me having a mobile).

nogoodswimmer
"This isn't a trivial problem, as suggested by the OP's title.

And it's not about failing to appreciate your mother, or loving her less. The amount of love you have for a person does not neccesarily correlate to how many minutes a day you speak to them."

I agree. I also sy,pathise with the OP. My mum rings me at the most inoprtune moments, and sometimes she rings to ask silly things. One classic was whens he rang to ask how my washing machine was. and when I queried why she was aksing she said "well it's new". Er no it's 6 months old!

She can ring every 5 mintues for up to an hour if I don't answer. our landline tells the number and time of call. There was once 15 missed calls from her at 2.5 mintue intervals.
If I don't answer she gets step dad to text. if I say "I'm busy" she'll ask what I'm doing who I'm doing it with, are the Dses doing it, if not why not, is the dog going and before I know it I've been on the phone for 10 mintues.
I've had 19 years of it.

I'm glad our landline doesn't recall missed calls like that. If I don't want to be contacted I will happily turn the ringers off all phones and either leave the answer machine on or turn it off. When my kids were sleeping as babies I always turned the ringers off on the phones. I'm surprised some people are such slaves to their phones, but maybe it's an age thing having grown up without mobiles and being a student for several years who often had to use pay phones to contact my family. If we're eating the phone gets ignored.

I get this but from my Dad. I appreciate he is lonely but I find it very suffocating that he rings every day, often twice a day. Rings me on my mobile to 'chat' even though he knows I'm on a rare night out with friends (I ignore these calls)

What makes it worse is that he never rings my brother. DB is lovely and hadn't done anything to deserve the 'least favoured child' title, nor do
I enjoy getting all of his incessant ramblings.

I do screen his calls but I suffer with guilt and usually end up answering (especially when it's less hassle than the inevitable constant mobile calls and texts asking if I'm ok?)

I can't blame his age, he's only 56.

What makes me feel worse is that I speak to my Mum most days and I really enjoy that (my parents are divorced) To be fair it's much easier to talk to her because it's a very equal conversation, I ask about her day, she asks about mine. Whereas Dad I get his full tales of woe and trivial updates then I'm allowed about a quarter of the time to talk about myself/DD/DH. He also never asks about my pregnancy

Sorry, very self indulgent post

Sympathies OP, it's a shame I can't give any advice. I hope the others have been more useful.

Agree with Shiney and Biscuits. Yes my mum calls often and we chat about nothing in particular tbh. But she's my mum, I love her to bits and is now 85 so I'll make the most of it. All a bit 'meh' about this I'm too busy nonsense.

Well that's great for those of you who have found their contact equilibrium with their parents.

But not everyone is the same. Not everyone wants to dissect their day three times a day to their mum or dad.

And that preference is allowed too. It doesn't mean you love the parent any less. It just means you want to do things differently. And that is a personal choice that shouldn't be ignored because that is called bullying IMO.

God forbid you should make your own children feel bad because they just mightn't want the same level if contact you do.

It's not necessarily about being too busy either. It's more about space.

I agree, I don't want to run the minor decisions of my life past someone and have them comment on them. I think leaving home at 18 and going to university was good for putting an end to that as phoning in the 80s was a hassle and I didn't want my parents knowing stuff about my life as they wouldn't approve so I just glossed over stuff. I wonder if the daily phone calls sharing domestic trivia people left home later and didn't go through the teenage rebel stuff.
I love my dad and sibs and like talking to them, but once or twice a week is plenty unless we are needing more contact for some reason.

WinkyWinkola - couldn't agree more.

I think the posts basically trying to tie the OP's problem with "being too busy" are missing the point. Entirely.

It's not about how busy you are

My dad telephoned at just gone nine every morning and then about eight in the evening. Usually it was to moan, ask me to do something and frequently a bit martyrish. He always always apologised for interrupting me and finished calls by telling me to go and do something more important than talk to him.

He died last year and I so regret letting him know was a pest. I wish I kept being nice for a little longer. :(

You've tolerated this for 25 years???
This would Drive. Me. Mad.

It would drive me mad too. My mum and I had a 20 year arrangement of talking on Wednesday and Sunday evenings at 7, then 8 once ds came along and it was great.
Even now, when dementia has robbed her of the ability to talk for long (she can only manage 4 minutes, and most of that is repetition of her favourite 'conversation') I don't regret that at all - and we still stick to the same timings

Yummyoldbag, I think you're being hard on yourself. EVERYBODY dies at some point I'm afraid. And just because everybody dies at some point does not give them or you the right to impose, intrude and overbear on other people's lives.

It's just a bonkers argument - she'll be dead one day. Then you'll be sorry? Eh? Yes, the op will be sorry but not about those 'phone calls, I bet.

It is indeed bonkers. Just having one if those wish he had not died spells and this thread made me sad. My father effectively killed himself so slightly odd circs. He was a very unhappy man. I know what he would say to op though! He would (this is his voice when less dependent) say tell her woman!! Tell her she is driving you nuts and promise to phone her every other day to start si she dies not miss you too much.

I had similar for years from my father.

He took to phoning the police if I did not answer or he would drive over quite a distance and would come to my work and talk for ages. This was happening about four or five times a week. It tipped me over the edge.

He has gone now and harsh as it sounds, I do not miss the feeling of being smothered by the calls and visits.

liberty- my mum once called the police. it was when i was pregnant with DS1.. She'd been ringing all evening, and we were out. When we got back at 11pm we noticed the missed call but decided not tor ing as it was late. Next morning the police and the military police from DH's place of work appeared at 6am at the door, she'd rung them convinced I had gone into very early labour and no one ahd told her. DH was furious. As was I

Saltire- Dad would do the same to my db even although he was a policeman.
I think there were words had between them about wasting police time.

It was so controlling although dad never saw it like that. He felt that he was being caring.

My business collapsed due to the interruptions and I ended up practically suicidal as I dreaded the phone ringing but knew if I did not answer, Dad would drive over and stay for hours.

Agree shiney - what horrible times we live in - rush rush rush etc. when five minutes out of 24 hrs a day talking to our own mother is just too much pressure.

My elderly and very demanding father called me a 8:50 on Sunday morning to ask could l get him a particular pudding for his tea. Landline was unplugged so he called my mobile - TEN TIMES - before l relented and answered. He rings me about a dozen times (usually demanding something) on a bad day and at least two or three on a good day. Now that is annoying and on occasion when its out of hand and l cant cope - l switch to answer machine and check it regularly just in case its urgent or get DH to answer it and take a message.