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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What has happened to my lovely grandad? (a bit long, sorry)

27 replies

lollipoppet · 29/01/2012 23:48

I am very sad to say it but I think my grandad needs mental help. Over the past few years his behaviour has changed and he is now almost unrecognisable :-(

He will suddenly decide he has a grudge with somebody and simply stop speaking to them. He went over a year without speaking to my uncle, is hot and cold with my aunt and other uncle. It's only my mum who he hasn't fallen out with. It's my poor grandma I feel so sorry for though as she has to live with him and yet he doesn't speak one word to her for days and days on end.

I have found out today (which has made me just think "oh god it really is bad") that he is clearly paranoid as well. He snoops around the house while my grandma is out, looking for things she has hidden.... It turns out though that my uncle gave her quite a bit of money at Christmas that she did actually hide from him (he would want to spend it whereas grandma worries about money so wanted to save it for a rainy day) which she then DID hide from him. This is the only thing though, it's not like it would normally be justifiable to hunt for hidden stuff. Anyway, it was hidden in the back of her wardrobe in an old handbag, which I think just goes to show the extent of his searching.

So anyway he found it and hasn't said anything to her but told my uncle (not the one who gave the money) so gma now knows he's seen it yet he hasn't mentioned it (because he's not bloody talking to her!!)

Right, does anyone have any experience of this? Relatives becoming passive aggressive and paranoid in old age? What can we do about it?

I am so very sad by the way as this is my lovely, lovely grandad who I have always been very close to and who has always been my favourite person growing up. And now I just don't know where that kind, jolly man has gone. Really, really sad :-(

OP posts:

comealongnow · 29/01/2012 23:52

It sounds a lot like the early stages of dementia, could you get him to his GP?

Original poster

lollipoppet · 30/01/2012 00:04

Really? I didn't know this was symptomatic of dementia since his memory etc is ok. I don't know if he would admit things to the doctor.... Maybe my mum could persuade him.

I feel like I want to ask him what he is playing at and does he realise how hurtful he is being but I am afraid of the getting the cold shoulder myself... Selfish.

OP posts:

bejeezus · 30/01/2012 00:24

I posted something similarish about my mum a month or so ago- BIG personality change over about 18months; being really nasty to df and me and my dcs. Lots of posters came on to say was same for their relatives and was early dementia. Memory loss isn't always apparent in early stages. Is there history of it in his family?

bejeezus · 30/01/2012 00:26

Have you told him you are worried about him? Asked him if he is ok?

bejeezus · 30/01/2012 00:28

Sorry-on phone

I phoned my mums GP myself and 'told on her' as she wasn't listening to our concerns. She was really angry with me for doing it, and seems bit better since.

Lizzabadger · 30/01/2012 07:16

Agree with comealongnow. Personality changes, not memory loss, are the first signs in certain types of dementia.

misty0 · 30/01/2012 07:28

Sorry if i'm totally wrong - but this is just a thought ...

You sound quite young OP. Could it be that your GD has always been this way, and in fact its just that you are now old enough to be noticing the less jolly side of his personality and the way he treats some of his family?

You don't mention whether anyone else in your family is finding this behaviour a new thing.

I say this as i was well into my teens/early 20s before i began to fully understand the dynamics between my 'lovely' GM and the other (adult) members of our family. She was always good to me - but i know now that she made their life hell!

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 30/01/2012 09:12

I was wondering along the same lines as misty: for example, could your uncle have given your grandmother the money (and that your grandmother hid it) because they both know that your grandad can be controlling about it?

foolonthehill · 30/01/2012 09:33

Possibilities:
dementia (he may be hiding the memory lapses by grumping or he may mostly have personality change).
Mini strokes particularly affecting the front part of his brain (personality)..does he have heart probs/family history?
Something else in the brain box eg meningioma or a blood clot from a fall
Previous Head injury
Low grade infection depending on how old he is and his general state of health.

so lots of possibilities. Looks to me like he needs a thorough medical check up...but how to get him there???? maybe ask GP to call him in for one of their health screening clinics......

wishing you all the best, and him/GM

cornflowers · 30/01/2012 09:37

I would agree that it sounds like dementia. The father of a friend of mine developed it in his late sixties and underwent a complete personality change in a reasonably short period of time (1-2 years). Having been a calm, kind gentle man all his life he became aggressive, angry and even physically violent towards his poor wife. Could you have a chat to your GP about him and ask for advice?

suburbandream · 30/01/2012 09:48

Hi Lollipoppet, I don't want to try and offer a diagnosis on here, but speaking from experience, my mum went through quite a personality change when she started suffering from dementia. She became quite aggressive and defensive - it is very common and I think it can be attributed to the feelings of confusion and loss of control that the sufferers feel. Of course it may not be dementia, lots of older people can feel alienated or out of touch with "modern society" and become grumpy old men! The Alzheimer's society might be able to offer some advice here. Are you able to have a word with your grandma and see if she has any other concerns? She might be desperate to speak to someone about it or not know what to do. Good luck x

bejeezus · 30/01/2012 09:49

Or depression?

Original poster

lollipoppet · 30/01/2012 09:57

Thank you for all the replies and advice. I'm sorry I can't reply to individual posts, I am on my phone.

Yes to history of strokes and generally bad health- diabetes, overweight, takes a lot of tablets daily.

Sorry I wasn't clear but yes, it is all the family who are shocked and bewildered by the change in him, has happened gradually over a few years. It is true I have only really become aware over last year or so though.

Right, so I looked online too and you are all quite right about the personality change as a symptom of dementia. He obviously needs to see gp. I like the idea of gp inviting for a check up, they will do that will they?

Just concerned though that he may not be truthful with doc. I.e. give the right answer, not the true one.... I'm guessing it is hard for people to accept even if they are diagnosed by doc, there are lots of negative connotations with dementia I know, anyone have experience of this?

Thanks again for replies.

OP posts:

CiderwithBuda · 30/01/2012 10:20

Def sounds like some form of dementia I'm afraid. My mum went the same way. Started thinking my dad was having an affair with the man across the road about 4/5 years ago. Has gradually gotten worse - now thinks he is havng an affair with a 17 year old and I am having an affair with a man in the IRA!

It's very hard. We struggled to get an actual diagnosis. It's now apparent that she has Parkinsonns symptoms too. My dad struggled to tell doctors what was going on as they would ask in front of her and she was still with it enough to try to lie to the doctors. If dad was honest she would give him an awful time afterwards. We ended up emailing or phoning doctors to tell them our concerns and ensure they tried to talk to dad on his own.

suburbandream · 30/01/2012 12:39

Hi Lollipoppet, it might be a bit tricky, but if he sees the GP it would be really good if your grandma could go too so that she can have some input or if she could call the GP beforehand and explain the situation. My mum was in complete denial, partly I think because there is a stigma about "losing your marbles". Sad isn't it, that people will get help for other diseases of old age like arthritis etc but people dont want to admit to having dementia

Original poster

lollipoppet · 30/01/2012 13:01

Sorry to hear about your mums cider and dream.

Yy to the "losing your marbles" plus I don't think a lot of people would openly admit they've been shutting out their family...

Will speak to my mum about a plan of action.

Thanks ladies x

OP posts:

foolonthehill · 30/01/2012 13:05

..hi, sorry posting and running but...diabetes...blood sugars going all over the place can also do this. Why not write to the GP, s/he will have a duty to regularly monitor G'dad anyway due to multiple tabs and diabetes etc.

Try to be concise (it helps the GP to take it in), they are not obliged to divulge your concerns, nor to take G'dad at face value, a physical exam and possibly referral to the Elderly care team may give him some help.

Dementia is not curable but other things can be helped.....

hope you can get some help for all of your sakes.

bejeezus · 30/01/2012 13:39

fool am I right in thinking that although its not curable, there is medication available to slow it down, if you catch it early enough?

Lizzabadger · 30/01/2012 18:03

Yes - medication that can slow the progression is available for some types of dementia - Aricept/donepezil is the most common.
I am sure the GP will take your and your mother's concerns seriously. It is rare that people with dementia would present THEMSELVES. Usually concerns are raised by a relative.
As someone above pointed out, bear in mine too that there are lots of conditions that can be confused with dementia, some of which are treatable.

ElsieMc · 30/01/2012 18:34

Does he have trouble telling the time or is finding it hard to handle money? These are also telling signs. My mum could still pass the Mini mental state examination quite well into her vascular dementia. She would ask strange questions such as "is my house a semi detached or a terrace?" and would take junk mail literally. She would order ready meals and then we would find them in the bin. It isn't just all about memory loss which is why so many people miss the early signs of dementia.

Sometimes long term personality traits can become exaggerated, for example my mum became ruder about people's personal appearance and more matter of fact about it. She did begin to fall out with family members, and myself in particular as she could be quite cruel. Do remember that although it is an illness and the Alzheimer's Society state you should see it as just that, it is often very hard to be on the receiving end and you and your nana are only human.

Having said that, it could be a perfectly treatable illness/infection so please do try to encourage him to visit his GP.

foolonthehill · 30/01/2012 18:42

bej yes there is although it only appears to work in early dementia that is not caused by Multiple infarctions (vascular dementia)/trauma and unfortunately (as usual) it is "rationed" and different health authorities have slightly differing criteria for giving it.

suburbandream · 31/01/2012 10:57

Elsie - my mum had trouble telling the time, and couldn't use her mobile phone anymore a couple of years before we really knew she had dementia. She also used to sit with the newspaper but clearly wasn't reading it, and then stopped writing. During this time she seemed relatively "normal" in other ways and I think my dad managed to cover up for her. She had vascular dementia and always had high blood pressure so she clung on to the idea that actually she'd had a stroke as she didn't want to admit to having dementia. She took aricept for a while and my dad said it was like having the old "her" back but it only works in the early stages and I believe some local authorities don't like prescribing it because it is expensive.

Original poster

lollipoppet · 31/01/2012 22:14

Thank you all again for advice and sharing your experiences. I am sorry to hear you have been affected by this cruel illness.

An update, well I broke down yesterday talking to my mum about it. Just thinking of what my poor grandma is putting up with, even if you are all right and it is this illness, as elsie said, it is just so horribly cruel. She tends not to spend hardly any time in the house any more, just to avoid being around him, she goes to my aunt's to watch telly until it is bed time and she goes home. I just think that is heartbreaking. :-(

Anyway, my grandma has made an appointment for herself to see the gp so she can talk about what has been going on so the gp is aware of it and then ask them to invite grandad in for screening/similar (suggestion up thread, thank you). So I am hoping that may be a turning point and make for a happier family.

Will let you know what happens if you like.

OP posts:

foolonthehill · 01/02/2012 10:06

yes let us know...and if he gets a diagnosis there may be some local groups to support you G'ma and also for him which may relieve the pressure for them....

Original poster

lollipoppet · 07/02/2012 11:31

just an update...

my grandma has been to see GP to discuss with her what has been going on. GP has arranged to call grandad in on pretence of reviewing medication and will do a test and possibly refer him to someone else (can't remember title). But things are hopefully going in the right direction and we may get somewhere soon.

Just want to say a sincere thanks to you all for your replies and advice, if it weren't for this thread none of this would've happened and we would still be all wondering what on earth was the matter with him.

OP posts:

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