So how do I cope with no sex life?

[CouldIDoIt]

DH is lovely, a kind and loyal man, who sadly has no sex drive at all. He is on long term medication which has just shut him down. I have no intentions of leaving him, we have children from the days before things got this bad, tho even then were not great, and anyway I love him. I havent had sex for over a year, and for a year or so before that, and so on for at least 5 years now.

Last night I had an erotic dream about an ex and today I am just obsessed with the idea of contacting him in the hope of a fling. He was my partner before DH and we had a great sex life. Not a family man tho so we parted.

Just doesnt seem fair. I don't want to mess things up and hurt DH or the DCs. But the thought of no sex for the rest of my life is very depressing.

Theres no answer is there?

[LipstickLover]

What about in you fall in love with ex? That's not ideal?

[mojitomania]

You are chosing to have sex away and not tell your H.. Not good OP, not good. You aren't being honest with yourself or him. Cheating isn't the way to go

[LipstickLover]

I don't know but I think maybe you should talk to your DH. Shagging someone else probably won't end well...

[mojitomania]

You're hedging your bets here OP aren't you. If that's the case you need to grow a pair and tell your H.

[CouldIDoIt]

Mojito, sorry if I have irriated you, I know there is no there is no magic wand. Just wanted to ramble and get it off my chest.

Yes I know LL. Im in fantasy land today i think.

[mrscynical]

Like mojitomania, I had the best sex ever with a boyfriend who was not not able to have an erection and/or penetrative sex.

In fact I am now having a relationship with another chap with a similar condition and it is bloody marvellous. We get up to all sorts of things that I would never have thought of before and he is so tuned into what I want that I would not even consider having it any other way.

Both men did/do things that other 'functioning' men never could and, believe me, I've been around the block.

Both men have admitted to me that they get so much mentally from the 'sex' that they too love it. I don't want to be a giver of 'too much information' but a bit of role play, sex toys and talking about how hands and fingers can do wonders is a conversation well worth having.

I have definitely learnt that the mind is the best sexual appendage of all and a bit of imagination, an open mind and creativity is the route to take if all else fails.

On the flip side, I am well aware that many men are just too ashamed or broken by not being able to perform in the normal way so it would not work for some. I do wish that there was some internet site (not porno as such) where men could be taught that ED is not the end of a sex life and can, in fact, be a revelation. Seems that the medical profession will offer Viagra but not much else in the way of help.

Some men, I feel, just discover this for themselves and others just give up.

[Lizzabadger]

Talk through your proposed solution with your DH. It's not fair to go behind his back.

[mojitomania]

OP, you arent irritating me I feel for you, I really do. I don't advocate secrecy and dishonesty that's all. You are giving up a lot for your age. Women are very sexual beings you know. Don't let your partner rob you of so much. It isn't fair. I'm a single parent and do you know what, I have a good life, you don't need a man or an inadequate situation these days.

[CouldIDoIt]

Yes, I need to put this scenario to DH and see if it focusses his mind.

Truth is I know he cant help it. His low sex drive isnt done to spite me.

Apologies to anyone I have annoyed on this thread, Im feeling a bit hopeless about it so have probably come across a bit wet

[LipstickLover]

Nothing wrong with fantasy land, just be 100% sure before you take it anywhere. I know vibrators aren't the same but I believe they can take the edge off...

[mojitomania]

OP you havent come across as wet at all. It's a crossroads in your relationship. He may not be able to help it. It may not be workable for you.

[LipstickLover]

Don't blame you for feeling upset, it's hard on you and you DH. Try talkin again and don't laugh it off...tell him how you really feel.

[CouldIDoIt]

Ah, may have mis-led, erection isnt the issue, its wanting the erection that is the issue (or indeed the foreplay/sexual intimacy/any of it etc etc)

Ok mojito, I know you write with good intentions...agree it isnt fair. Just need to decide what to do!

Anyway, Im starting to annoy myself now so will go off and order a vibrator have a think before DH gets in.

[mojitomania]

You made me laugh OP.

He isn't playing away is he {just my suspicious scorpionic mind working overtime here}

Erection not an issue? making him want you an issue? Hmmmmm

[CouldIDoIt]

Me very scorpionic too! But sadly no, I doubt he is playing away. Have wondered about gay tho! (Huge ego says it must be that!!)

[LydiaWickham]

You need to talk to your DH about this. If he can if he is told to but doesn't think to innitate sex, then perhaps the realisation you will go elsewhere would be enough to make him do something about it. Does he seem to enjoy sex when it happens? Could you suggest you expect him to initate sex once a month (explain you having to 'force him' makes you feel unsexy), so maybe you could have a 'date night' every first weekend of the month. You'll book a babysitter (if your DCs are still the age to need them), book a table for dinner, but the unspoken understanding is that when you get home you will have sex and he will make the first moves.

You are vunerable right now, if he's not making you feel sexy and loved, then you're going to be easy pray to any bloke who does, ex-boyfriends, the 'player' in the office, anyone who flirts and makes you feel gorgeous. Don't let it get to that.

[LipstickLover]

I thought it was a medical thing? So it's that he has no libido but no medical reason behind it?

[mojitomania]

Hmmm, something doesn't sit easy here OP. Usually erection problems with men means they have some sort of function problem. This mans problems are different. Is there anything that makes you think he could be gay? it does smack of reluctance rather than health issues.

[LipstickLover]

However, not getting an erection upon waking or during sleeping is not normal...indicates physical issues?

[CouldIDoIt]

Honestly, tis medical (I think/hope!) He is epileptic and is on a fairly high dose of tegretol, one of the many odd side effects being reduced sex drive (not erectile issues, other than i have noticed no morning stiffy)

TBH the gay thing has been one of my many clutched straws, kind of wouldnt surprise me but dont really think its the issue.

[carernotasaint]

Couldi do it i am in a very similar situation to you. i and some other ladies have a support thread going in on the Off the Beaten Track board under the AIBU board where it says more. You are welcome to join us.

[mojitomania]

OP, it's either one of three things here.

He has a problem, then couldn't really get it up.

He's playing away, then is sort of up and down, as in erection then none, blaming it on lots of things.

He's gay and not wanting to come out, wanted a baby/ wanted to be "normal" in the sense of what our normal means and the lie is dawning on him.

Only you can find out

[CouldIDoIt]

Maybe Lydia; I do think I need to have a chat with him.

However, because he can if he has to, Im almost more scared of un-feeling 'Im doing this because I have to' sex than I am of no sex. Which is how it feels when we have our almost annual 'I suppose we ought to' sex.

may be off for a bit now..child shouting!

[YawningHippo]

May I suggest you make a new thread and prepare to be flamed.