Was anyone else here the "golden child" as opposed to the scapegoat of a narcissistic parent?

[TinyArmy]

I have started this thread about three times now and each time I haven't posted it because of how guilty and ashamed it makes me feel. I spend a lot of time on these boards reading threads about growing up as the child of a narcissist. It has helped me enormously, I have gone back to therapy after years of having a huge block against it (my N father uses "You're crazy. You're not rational so I don't have to listen to you" it as a tool to invalidate anything I say) because of these boards and am so grateful for all of you having shared your experiences and helping me see that my family is not normal.

One thing I noticed is an overwhelming number of people talking about N parents identified as the scapegoat and had a sibling who was the golden child. These golden child siblings seem to often grow up to be mini clones of the horrible N parent and are doomed to repeat the pattern. They also seem to treat their siblings terribly and are generally much disliked.

Thing is, I was the golden child and it affects me to this day. My younger brother hasn't spoken to me in almost three years. When we were children I threw him under the bus a lot in regards to my parents. I felt "well at least they're not coming after me". Every conversation with my sister feels tense and like she is competing with me. I don't want to compete anymore with ANYONE. She more or less replaced me as the golden child when I started standing up for myself and asserting my identity. Whenever my parents compare me to my siblings I now say "That's not nice. We're different people, it is not fair to compare us." The terror that I am going to turn into my father is overwhelming. I see his behaviours in me all the time. I've see myself controlling people and whenever I feel put on the spot my first instinct is STILL to manipulate my way out of it (because that is what I was taught to do). He is always saying "you are just like me, you can't help it" and gets so angry when I try to say no! You've been telling me who I am all my life and I am not that! But then it creeps up later and I wonder what if he's right?

I just want to hear other peoples' experiences with being the golden child. Will I ever have a good relationship with my siblings? Can I ever make amends for how they were treated? How I treated them? Am I doomed to repeat my dad's patterns and are my kids going to be on the internet in 20 years talking about their N mother and how she ruined their life?

Well my parents aren't nacisstic so these are my thoughts.

Stop seeing your parents, they are continuing to damage you.

Write to your brother and apologise for how you treated him and you are now aware of how dysfunctional the family was and is.

Tinyarmy as a scapegoated child I reach out my arms to a fellow sufferer. You suffered AS MUCH. Listen to this:

In both types of experience, the 'rivaled-against child' and the 'chosen child' are forced to cop with the powerful projections of the NPD parent by responding compliantly or defiantly and pay the inevitable price involved - giving up the true self.

As mentioned previously, these two depictions of wounding are only a few of the scenarios that the NPD parent will potentially play out with her child or children... In addition, sometimes on child receives a greater degree of the unconscious projections from the NPD parent while the remaining siblings are in a sense, spared. The degree to which a child receives the NPD parent's projections will be related to how strongly the NPD parent identifies with the child, regardless of whether this identification is positive or negative. Other siblings who watch from the sidelines may feel enormous envy and contempt for the child who is given the positive projections of the NPD parent, mistakenly believing this child is gaining an unfair advantage. This perspective is certainly understandable, since the other siblings are frequently ignored or dismissed altogether. Consequently, attention, money, privileges, etc. become the all-important currency of love in the relationship with the NPD parent. Siblings, like starving children, end up fighting for the scraps from the table of the NPD parent. Ironically, the less acknowledged children are sometimes spared the more intense wounding from the NPD parent despite this apparent loss of attention. Left on their own, these siblings have more freedom to discover their true selves because they are unimpeded by the NPD parent to follow their own impulses, intuitions and inspirations'

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: coping with the one-way relationship in work... and Family Eleanor Payson.

Also Enough about you, Let's Talk about me Les Carter.

A bit more combative

Good book! (Payson) And it is really helping me unravel the dynamics and learn to speak my own voice.

PS Tell your brother you threw him under the bus, and that you knew you were throwing him under the bus, and that you were thinking 'at least it is not me'.

Tell him. Apologise. Then ask him to remember that you were as helpless against the unfairness as he was.

But acknowledging pain is a great healer. It really is.

YOU WEREN'T RESPONSIBLE. YOUR NARC FATHER WAS. But you can still empathise with how he felt.

Thank you for posting this thread

I was the scapegoated one, my sibling the "Golden" one, but I think she has suffered as much as me

We have managed to maintain a good relationship with each other throughout, because we communicated well whilst it was happening. I have never resented her, I don't know why. I guess because I was aware she was better equipped to resist then I was. Sorry, this isn't helping in your precise situation. But I do feel you could at least try to reach out to your brother and tell him all you have told us.

One of the good things that came out of my childhood is my relationship with my sister. It is priceless.

Hmmm I don't think my siblings fully see how toxic our mother is, mainly because they are not on the receiving end of it. I have tried to explain why I feel the way I do; one of my sibs does get it, but the other (the real golden child) does not see it at all and is often on the attack to me for not dancing to my mother's ever changing tune. The last time I tried to explain I said that despite having the same parents, we were parented completely differently and that I am well within my rights to feel the way I do. This sibling defends our mother and attacks those who upset her by not playing her games or putting up with her shit. It is in his best interests to do so to maintain his status as golden child, which has served him well (free accommodation, free car). He either does not see it, cannot face it or is becoming just as bad. I wonder how the dynamics will change when he becomes a parent, and is criticised, patronised and undermined....

I had a good friend who was the golden child. Her sister was billed as the family fuck-up but after a while I could see that the sister was the healthier one--she could detach, she got out of the situation and created her own space. It was not approved of by the narc mother and my friend.

My friend really did get the worst of it, her mother was so manipulative and nasty, I've never seen anything like it. She would go for a visit and come back so, so messed up. I don't know what's become of my friend, I haven't spoken to her in years as we had a falling out but I always hoped she got shot of her crazy mum.

I know the middle sister was the scape goat. She embraced that role and at 33 still cannot "conform" as she says..
I wouldn't say I was the golden child, but I was hers. I belonged to her. It was always me she came to, sought out, called for.. constant.
She hates the middle sister. But they are alike. Al the things she says about my sister are characteristics of herself.

My sister has a deep hatred for me. Blames me for everything wrong in her life. Makes up horrible lies about what I have done to her, like sleeping with her husband that's why they are divorcing and then sending naked pictures of herself to my boyfriend. It really hurts.

Not a lot to add. I am am only child of an npd parent and seem to be golden child sometimes and scapegoat at others. In a full range I am held up as useless against other people's (family friends, relatives etc) children.

Whatever the situation it is harsh. I hope you can work through it and it sounds like you have good self awareness of the situation and are trying your best. As others have said this is not your fault.

I was the golden child. And I still was hit and spanked with the belt, and called names and such. Less than the others because I tended to either be so involved in school activities or at friends' houses (to avoid being home) or simply tried to stay under the radar, do what I was told as much as humanly possible to avoid punishment. My siblings tended to fight back more, so saw more discipline. And because of this, yes, I got a lot of hassle from them for it, earning the nickname of princess among other things, which was just ridiculous. It wasn't about winning, it was about getting out unscathed.

I was the golden child and my brother the scapegoat, but in a way it's been no easier for me, especially as an adult as it turned into my mother becoming ever more engulfing and intruding into ad controlling my life more and more. DBro as the scapegoat moved away and has less contact with her. I've finally pulled away after finally seeing her for what she was, but it's not been easy.
I have a great relationship with my DBro now, better the older we get and the more we understand what a fucking nutter our mother is.

I am/was the scapegoat, my DB the GC. I am NC.

DB knows exactly what Narc Mum is like but is somehow paralysed with the guilt and the horror of openly accepting the truth of her. He still has regular contact with her and she controls every aspect of his life, his marriage, his childrens lives, absolutely everything.

He is long term on anti depressants and is alcoholic with occasional suicidal thoughts.

I am far more emotionally healthy than my GC brother, who is still enmeshed and controlled. I feel quite sorry for him although I see he chooses to live like this.

However, we still have a good relationship. We accept it how it is and we love each other. We never discuss our mother.

I was definitely the GC and my dsis was the scapegoat. I was told right from the beginning that I was born to be DM's special friend. From then on my identity was dictated by her and cemented with passive threats and emotional blackmail. I was a puppet for years and believed that she was unfairly victimized by DF, dsis, all her extended family and anyone else that didn't agree with her. I was very protective of her and she rewarded my loyalty with affection, praise and secrets. I was the only one who understood her and the only one she really cared about. On the few occasions I challenged her she would behave terribly hurt and disappointed, often accompanied by dramatic physical illness. I learnt to treat her with kid gloves - her feelings came in front of everything. When my DF cheated and left, he was forever labelled as the devil and any compassion towards him would cause chaos. He didn't try and maintain contact so DM was our only security.

She was never happier than when my dsis and I were at loggerheads. She often used to tell me things after struggling with her conscience, about what dsis or others had said about me and then reassure me that she didn't think these things. I would distrust dsis, friends, boyfriends, df. I was isolated and suspicious that everyone was trying to manipulate me, as she implied. I though she was the only one on my side.

It is only on the last few years that I have realised what a dreadful relationship this was. Of course, she was the only real manipulator but I didn't realise it. My dsis broke all contact a few years ago after years of being blamed for everything. We have also had periods of no contact but now have been building some trust and can speak about the unhealthy relationships. I am hopeful that our honesty will help us get closer. Our Df died last year and that brought up a lot of stuff, which we were able to support each other with.

My GC status was revoked when I decided to emigrate (a couple of years ago)and since then I have been treated like a betrayer. Passive aggressive comparisons to other peoples children, mentions of my many failings, rewriting of history putting me in a bad light, stories of her terrible stress related ailments. Fortunately this has allowed me to examine the dynamics that were/are in place and recognize a very unhealthy relationship. I also realised that she had created a GC/scapegoat scenario with my children, clearly favouring one above the other. I am TERRIFIED that because I was the GC that I will become her. That I will repeat history and lay a heap of insecurities in my children. I have a shaky self esteem and often question myself.

I do see things more clearly and long distance helps but I am still riddled with guilt and confusion. Who is the real me and who is the me she designed? We keep in contact by phone and email. More often than not, I am angsty and simmering after. I am angry then upset and rejected. Still trying to um-mesh.

I am really glad you posted about your experience, it is hard to admit that you have been the GC, it seems to be such a privileged position compared to the scapegoat but it is a pretty bloody suffocating and unstable role to play.

I am an only child, so some days was the scapegoat and some days the golden child (depending on my mother's mood.)

As a result I have a couple of "false selves" that I created to keep the peace with my mother - a golden one and a scapegoat one, which were quickly pulled on like disguises as her moods turned. As an adult I watch myself swapping between them like nobody's business, trying to cling to one but finding it doesn't fit. My "true self" is pretty lost in all this, but I am working on getting it back.

The Golden Child ALWAYS has their eureka moment later than the scapegoat about the narc parent, so it is not your fault that you have taken longer - and didn't see immediately - to grasp the situation. I agree with the others that you should crystallise what you want to say and explain the feelings that were going through your head at the time, what you have thought about afterwards and how you feel now. Together you can both find your true selves through reconstructing what happened in a validating way for both of you.

I recommend that you both read a book by Alice Miller. It's called "The Drama of Being a Child."

My sister was, and it has taken her far longer to realise that our upbringing was abusive, and she is still not dealing with it at all well.

Because she got the love and adoration as well as the abuse, she sort of wrote off the abuse as the price she had to pay. I just got the abuse so of course I was able to process it earlier, I accepted it happened, got counselling and moved on. I actually have a healthy and equal relationship with my mother now (the issues that caused the abuse have been resolved in mum). But Dsis relationship with mum is crumbling and you can see that mum doesnt understand why.

When I was a child I would have given anything to be her, but now I am so very glad that I wasnt.

I would say it depends on how bad the "crimes" were that you committed.

At 52, and after being NC with my toxic family for over 20 years, I am still in therapy trying to heal myself of sexual, physical, emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse. It appears that I have a lot more work to do. Did you terrorize your sibling(s)? If so, don't be surprised if they continue to follow their own strict "No Contact" rule.

My brother was definitely the GC but we were very close up to our early twenties and worked together to shut it all out. However I decided to get out. I married my DH and moved over 300 miles away. I was then the betrayer and my brother never forgave me for leaving. Tragically he died at 32 in a road accident. I'll never know if this was truly an accident or not.
He was very depressed. I miss him desperately to this day.

My sister was the golden child & I was the scapegoat until she went to university and started to make her own choices (of which my mum did not approve) and my mum felt she lost control of her.

Then I became successful and made choices that my mother liked (not for her, I don't give a bugger what she thinks about anything), then it flipped, I became the golden child and my sister became the scapegoat.

Now we both swing between the two roles depending on her mood and our choices.

I find the sycophancy as irritating as the disapproval.

It was a bit weird in our house. I was my dad's golden child and my mum's scapegoat. My sister the other way around. I think my dad engineered this situation on purpose and he was always repeating things about "you're my daddy's girl and sister is mummy's girl" and similar. Then he started molesting me.

What I didn't realise as a child was that my mum was also as damaging to my sister as my dad was to me. Not sexually, but with constant engulfing. I recently went NC with mum and my sister has spent years trying to detach. The two of us are very close now though, although we really tried to sabotage each other as children (again engineered by the parents.)

I also meant to leave you this link:
FLEAS

It's about picking up the habits of your narc parents, and how to get rid of them.

I was one of 2 scapegoats, there were 2 golden children, The gulf in the way we were treated was enormous.

I'm nc with the 2 golden children, (the other scapegoat has passed away) Their attitudes towards us 2 scapegoats perpetuated our upbringing so nc was a very healthy decision for me. If I were to waste an emotion on them it would be hate.

I note that now our narc parent/s have passed on they are both having major problems as there is no-one around to tell them their awful behavior in this world is acceptable, it's everyone else etc and the sun does not shine out of their bottoms. I feel nothing but amusement - now they know what it's like to be out in the wilderness, Karma.

Scapegoat here. My brother was/is the golden child. The main difference between us now is that I can differentiate between my parents' thoughts and opinions in my head vs my own, whereas he can't.

My advice to you if you want to build bridges: listen to the scapegoat and don't expect them to prop you up.

My husband has always been the golden child but that doesn't mean he escaped being the target of MIL's volcanic temper. In fact he says he has often felt like the scapegoat.
He was in major denial about mil until early in 2015 when he was forced to face up to the consequences of her behaviour. It has been a very painful experience. His scapegoated (much older) half-sister understood 20 years ago and removed herself and her children. Her stepson and family also estranged themselves from her. As golden child, it has been much harder for dh to break out of the fear, obligation and guilt.

Mil used to refer to him as her "knight in shining armour" and would send him as a child/teenager to explain to his father in another room why he was such an awful father and husband. Mil used to tell DH "I am very frightened you will end up being as awful as your father". So DH consciously went out of his way to suppress anything in him that was like his father.

When our daughter was a few weeks old, mil abused me very badly. When I told DH, he said "my mother is a very good person". He has seen the light now, but it took a huge crisis and act of emotional violence against me and our toddler to make him open his eyes.

That is the lot of the golden child.

I was married to a GC whose narc mother told him he was divine! His DB2 was sent by the devil apparently and was the scapegoat, suicidally depressed at 13. DB3 was the happy-go-lucky youngest and more like their abusive DF.
My XH was deeply insecure and needed constant praise and ego building. He tried constantly to be the best behaved model student and still wants everybody's good opinion. When our marriage ran into difficulty I had to be the "bad one" because he had to keep intact his sense of being perfect. Admitting he was human and flawed was too threatening for him.

Now I am free I feel sorry for him. He knows his DM is a fruit loop and his DB2 is NC with the whole family, but he cannot bear to accept his own weaknesses.

Topofthecliff, my DH was also a model student, and the good opinion of others is so important to him. But he has admitted that he constantly feels inadequate, due to MIL's carrot and stick approach.
He is suffering an anxiety disorder, linked to something he did which could never ever be described as good behaviour. But his anxiety about it is disproportionately high. I think he is devastated at being less than perfect, due to the strictures of his upbringing with npd mil.

Before I had fully understood the dynamics, I had noticed his lack of independent thought and what I used to call "logic gaps", which seemed to fly in the face of his proven academic brilliance. I now think "cognitive dissonance" is a better explanation of the contradictions. He was always desperate to believe that mil was a good person, and he would perform logical contortions in the effort to carry on proving her goodness to himself.

Now the scales have fallen from his eyes, it is very very difficult. I would rather be a scapegoat than a golden child.