Was anyone else here the "golden child" as opposed to the scapegoat of a narcissistic parent?

[TinyArmy]

I have started this thread about three times now and each time I haven't posted it because of how guilty and ashamed it makes me feel. I spend a lot of time on these boards reading threads about growing up as the child of a narcissist. It has helped me enormously, I have gone back to therapy after years of having a huge block against it (my N father uses "You're crazy. You're not rational so I don't have to listen to you" it as a tool to invalidate anything I say) because of these boards and am so grateful for all of you having shared your experiences and helping me see that my family is not normal.

One thing I noticed is an overwhelming number of people talking about N parents identified as the scapegoat and had a sibling who was the golden child. These golden child siblings seem to often grow up to be mini clones of the horrible N parent and are doomed to repeat the pattern. They also seem to treat their siblings terribly and are generally much disliked.

Thing is, I was the golden child and it affects me to this day. My younger brother hasn't spoken to me in almost three years. When we were children I threw him under the bus a lot in regards to my parents. I felt "well at least they're not coming after me". Every conversation with my sister feels tense and like she is competing with me. I don't want to compete anymore with ANYONE. She more or less replaced me as the golden child when I started standing up for myself and asserting my identity. Whenever my parents compare me to my siblings I now say "That's not nice. We're different people, it is not fair to compare us." The terror that I am going to turn into my father is overwhelming. I see his behaviours in me all the time. I've see myself controlling people and whenever I feel put on the spot my first instinct is STILL to manipulate my way out of it (because that is what I was taught to do). He is always saying "you are just like me, you can't help it" and gets so angry when I try to say no! You've been telling me who I am all my life and I am not that! But then it creeps up later and I wonder what if he's right?

I just want to hear other peoples' experiences with being the golden child. Will I ever have a good relationship with my siblings? Can I ever make amends for how they were treated? How I treated them? Am I doomed to repeat my dad's patterns and are my kids going to be on the internet in 20 years talking about their N mother and how she ruined their life?

Sorry but I find it a bit crass when people say which they'd prefer as you're rating one form of abuse against another.

Peppermint, fair point, and I am really sorry. I didn't mean to minimise the experience of scapegoats at all. I guess I had always assumed that things are worst for the scapegoat, and have only recently realised that the golden child has a rotten time too. Apologies for offending you.

You only have to read my post to understand that being the GC is suffocating and possibly fatal.

Ive been both scapegoat and favoured child. I have two siblings and my dad used to isolate one of us and favour the other two. This would change all thetime so one week you could be isolated and the bad child, the next you would be the favoured good one, almost like being on a rota. I remember basking in his approval when I was being favoured, knowing I would soon be the bad, disapointing one again. I personally think both roles are very damaging, being the worthless outsider was bad, but so was being the favoured one, as you have to match up to the abusers impossible criteria non stop.

My brother was the golden child.

My observation would be that scapegoats have a better chance of realising that there is something wrong, and eventually to learn that greater happiness can be achieved outside the damaging family through work, interests, friends and their own family, ie their own efforts. I am not underestimating the impact of being treated as inherently less lovable, less worthy of attention - I'm not sure many fully recover from that.

However for the GC its much harder to shed the conviction that they were treated better because they are better, and when people in the wider world don't replicate the family dynamic it is devastating. But until they realise that their world view has been skewed and that the parenting they received was flawed there is no way to progress.

i was GC. My father was physically violent to my brother and mother and emotionally abusive but not to me ( although becane emotionally abusive as i got older). my db almost certainly has undiagnosed aspergers and was volatile. He started off besotted by me but grew to hate me because i was terrified of being badly behaved or being thought badly of so i became a clone of whoever i needed to at the time. my Db thinks i have got away with everything and him nothing. We dont speak. my father disowned him as an adult which was a hideous thing to do. I do feel bad for my db and i do wish him well, but i cant deal with the walking on eggshells as he will probably never really like me or uf he does, it will only be until the next perceived slight. I am NC with my dad now. I wish him well too but i cant deal with narcs.

Bran it sounds like you got a poor deal, too, if your dad grew to hate you.

The relationship between my brother and our mum also deteriorated as time went by (our dad died young). I think he carries a lot of anger and resentment towards her.

I can't see me ever getting on with my brother. He's been too dismissive of me for too long.

maybe you can help me understand. My ex is N and we have a child together, so at the moment our child is his GC. I don't really know how to help my child. he's only 4 and he's such a happy child, he of course loves his dad, but I am so scared. have you got any advice for me?

Well, you are also an influence in your child's life. You can offer a model of normal behaviour.

Is there anything you ex does now that is worrying you?

Also - sorry - does your ex have other children?

He didnt grow to hate me. He just became more and more of a cunt to me as i grew older and what he considered to be unattractive ( he cant cope with the idea of unattractive women) He triggered a massive long lasting eating disorder in me and body image issues. He would send me on the coach from glasgow to my home in SE england if I argued wuth him or did anything he perceived as a slight to him. Hes the same to everyone tbh. I have tried a million times to get on with him, but last year he started talking to my ds in the same way he treated me, after i hadnt seen him in a year and he hadn't seen my ds for 2 years. Hes just too damaged a person. I just wish my mum hadnt kept encouraging our relationship, especially after what he did to her and my brother. She thought she was doing the right thing i guess. Even acfew weeks ago she suggested I try ans make up with him. I said no way. After lots of psychotherapy I have realised why im so fucked up and im not going back for more and more of the same.

yes , I am worried because he is spoiling my DS a lot and plays some mind games which I can only sense from what DS says but it is all very unclear, plus I do admit that I am oversensitive to every sign because I am scared.
he has no other children and atm he is single. A part of me prays fro him to find an other woman and get away from us as N do. my ds went through different stages after the separation. at first he seemed so much happier, then, when he had more contacts with his dad, he had a period in which he was quite difficult with me. Now he is alright, happy as usual. but there have been 'incidents' that alerted me, even though is just a feeling in my guts.
I know I have a huge responsibility to show my ds what is functional and I know there will be few bumps on my road, I just wonder what would be the best behaviour as a mother to help him dealing 1)with his overwhelming love about his son who is (his own words) the copy of him 2) when ex finally realises that ds is his own person, how to help my child to deal with dad's possible rejection

Bran sorry I misread your post.

I think my mum withdrew from my brother when he didn't shine. Just at the moment when a loving parent would step in and support. But she always excused his behaviour to others and put criticism down to 'jealousy'. So mixed messages for him.

Pixie I think one of the dangers of the GC is that they get 'spoiled' by the dysfunctional parent, and other people don't like spoiled children, so they can project this and dislike the child. This can be very confusing for the child.

Perhaps one thing you can do is make your concerns known to the really important people in your sons life, such as your parents, so that what he gets is a very consistent, loving message from them, even if he starts acting out.

Another thing you could do is teach him about caring relationships, eg looking after a pet, or joining a team. You could model unselfish behaviour, eg ask him to help you to choose items for the food bank or make cakes for a charity cake sale.

There isn't much you can do about what your ex- does when your son is with him, but you can offer a safe loving home, where love is unconditional.

thanks deck, this is a great advice plus it reassures me that I am on the right track. I do teach him to care about the others because it is one of my fundamental values, so I would have done even in a functional situation. And also I do make sure is loved and safe in his home.
I know I have a lot to learn, so thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it.

Pixie I think we all just struggle through as best we can and its worth remembering that we all get some things wrong and some things right, and what's 'right' for one family is not always right for another.

Also ALL children have ups and downs, aside from the dramas around them.

Sorry to here you went through. Sounds very similar to what I have been going through though the toxic, narc mil has destroyed us

It's too late to post now. Will come back to this tomorrow.