I'm not going to my sister's wedding...

[Moltisanti]

..and the whole situation is causing me major problems.

The background- my sister is my half sister. We have the same mum and grew up together (although she's quite a bit younger than me) but her dad isn't my dad. Her dad was violent, verbally abusive and sexually creepy to me for the 13 years we all lived together until I scarpered from the house. I cut all ties with him then and my mum cut all ties with him about 9 years ago also. He hasn't been a good dad to my sister- no abuse, but he is unpleasant and a threatening presence in her life. She even struggled with anorexia as a result of how living with him took its toll on her.

Fast forward to now, and my sister is getting married next year. Of course, this has opened up the major issue for me of running into her dad at the wedding. I cannot and will not go where that man is. I have struggled hugely over the years with manic depression, anxiety and self harm as a result of what he did to me and I will not put myself in a situation where I am confronted with him. I don't want him even laying eyes on me, let alone my little boy. I have told my sister this and she is aware of the whole history, and also how he treated my mum- affairs, constant put downs, nastiness etc.

However, somehow, my sister has chosen for her dad to be at the wedding and not me and my mum. We are just expected to turn up for the evening. Not only am I baffled and hurt as to why she would choose for it to be this way around- not that I want her to be in a position to have to choose at all, I should point out- but I am sad and confused. She says she is doing it this way because she isn't having children and therefore won't be giving him any grandchldren, so he deserves to give her away. However, it means we won't be there. She reckons that we can come in the evening after he leaves. But, not only has he said to her that he isn't going to leave when she wants him to, but I have a son who will only be 2 by then, so going to an evening do that is a 2 hour drive from our house is impractical. Plus I don't trust for a second that he will have left.

I feel frustrated, angry and very upset. Since this all blew up I have been walking around every single day with a tight chest, and I am having to keep breathing into a paper bag to calm myself down when it gets really bad. I feel like I just want to say that I should be counted out because there is no way he can be relied on to leave, but I feel sure that I will then be the bad guy.

(((Hugs))) This sounds like a hellish situation for all of you.

I don't think there's any advice which will help with this one. It often seems to be the case that people will bend over backwards to avoid offending relatives who have made their lives really difficult but, in doing so, trample all over the feelings of the people who really love them and have been there for them over the years. I would guess your sister is totally secure in her relationship with you and your mum and knows you will both support her regardless. She is probably far more worried about fallout from offending her dad because he is more likely to react badly and make her suffer for it.

It doesn't help but I can kind of see the logic.

I was ready to come on and tell you to go but wow, that's awful!!!

I don't even know what to say! It must be hard for you and your mum to be in this situation but it must also be hard for your sister knowing that if she has her dad there, you and your mu
Will not attend.

I'm sorry for everyone in this instance

Stuff being the bad guy. You have to do what is right for you and your family.
Your sister seems to be the "bad guy" for choosing her dad over her mum and you but hey it's her wedding and her decision.
Explain to your sister that you would have loved to be at her wedding but under the present circumstances you will have to decline. She can explain to the other guests the reason why.

You have to support her decision . I personally think she has made the wrong choice,but if you want her in your life after the wedding then you have to be kind to her now..She will remember who was the reasonable and adult one not the person who was threatening not to leave .

How awful. No wonder it has really got under your skin.
Some people get really fixed ideas in their heads about what makes a wedding a wedding and she obviously has Dad-gives-daughter-away really high in her mind.
It sounds pretty bonkers under the circumstances and she probably hasn't realised at all how it makes you feel and probably thinks she has come up with a really cunning compromise.
Maybe she imagines it makes her feel more of a bride in the eyes of her new family 9on dh side) - its normal to have dad give away so maybe it makes her feel a bit more 'normal' and maybe that has become strangely important on this day.
Don't forget - you'll be the ones who get to see her blossom as a wife and be with her through her marriage - not just on the day like him.
hope you can find some peace with it.

blimey, what a sad situation.

how does you mum feel.

Piratecat- she is upset. She is considering going anyway to the day part otherwise she won't see her daughter get married, even though she says the thought of being confronted with him is mortifying to her.

Impoftheperverse- I see what you mean about the logic.

She is choosing to deliberately leave out the people that will cause her least grieve over her wedding choices: You and your mum because she counts on you to always love you and be by her side whatever she does. She knows her dad wont allow the same.

At least that is my take on it.

What do you want to do?

Who is paying for the wedding?

Ah, I see that I am not saying anything new.

OP does your sister know how you feel?

About not going to the wedding i mean?

Quintessentiallyhollow- she is paying for it with her dp. I want to tell her that I love her and support her but I need to say for definite that as there is a high risk of him being there I need to avoid it. And that's what I feel I NEED to do for my own sake, I am going crazy.

Pinkteddy- you mean me feeling sad about him going over me? No I don't think so. I didn't want to make life more difficult for her by laying that on her as well.

First of all, go to your doctor. This stress is taking an immense toll on you. When I was under incredible stress, my doctor prescribed a short course of beta blockers, and this solved the problem. I thought I was going to have a heart attack.

I think that now she has invited him, there's nothing that can be done, bar cancelling the wedding. I wouldn't go. I couldn't stand near someone who'd affected me so violently. If your mum goes, I think she should take a close friend whose job it is to steer your mum away from her ex husband. Preferably, this friend shouldn't be someone her ex husband knows.

Plan a lovely day for when they return from honeymoon.

I agree with the other poster who said that your sister knows you and your mum will always be there for her - she knows her dad won't, which is why she feels she has to invite him over you. He's damaged her so much, too.

Yes thats what i meant. I understand why you dont want to tell her but how will she react to you not going? I agree with other posters who say forget about wedding and plan another day with her. Its a really difficult situation - i cant imagine how you must be feeling. Hope you have someone to support you in RL.

I rang my sister last night and told her that unfortunately she needs to count me out of the wedding. I explained that I have no guarantee I won't come face to face with him, and that it's likely I would, and I can't risk that. She just said oh well I thout you weren't coming anyway. She said it in such an easy breezy way, it was almost as if I had said I couldn't pop round for coffee. I feel a bit puzzled by why that was the case.
I can breathe a bit easier since I said it. My chest is a bit less tight. It's still a sad situation though, and I will still see my dr about my panic.

Molti I think it sounds like your sister was sure you WOULDN'T want to come but didn't want you to be left out of the invites.

You have done the right thing, self preservtion for you is the key and keeping calm and steady, this has obviously knocked you for six so you are wise to see your dr.

Maybe if you can have a chat with your sis face to face soon you'd feel better? Don't need to harp on about it,but tell her you love her thankher for the invote and for understanding why you can't come, and hope she has a lovely day. Make arrangements for her & the DH , your mum and you to have a really nice get together as soon as poss after the honeymoon.

I second the idea of your Mum having a "wingman" to steer her away from her ex. Should be enough folk there to dilute the situation. She might even enjoy it if there are lots of family friends and relations she hasn't seen in a while.

Big hugs to you, don't let it ruin the relationship you have with your sis, it is only one day,let her do what she wants, and you do what is best for you.

I actually think your sister is being really bizarre here. She's invited an abuser to her wedding FFS. You might argue it's her choice, but I don't think it's that clean cut. I'm afraid if my sister did this at her wedding, I'd be seriously questioning how much I wanted to see her at all.

It must be very hard for her, but it's not a case of warring families in your situation. She's made a poor choice.

I don't know what you should do, but I think you have absolutely made the right decision to not go.

Have you talked to her about it? I want to say you should go to the wedding and show him he doesn't have the power to intimidate you any more. But if this is effecting your emotional health and you aren't ready to see him face to face, then you shouldn't go. You sister should understand. The fact that you are agonising over this shows how much you care about your sister and she should understand where you are coming from.

Talking to a counsellor may also help with this one.

Bossy, she did ask about coming to see me next Sunday but I told her I was busy. The whole situation is so awkward and messy and I am struggling with the fact that my childhood abuser is going and not me. I don't feel like talking about invites and dresses.

Tidydancer, well that's what I have been feeling. She invited the man who not only abused her sister but also did damage to her mum. That's very hard for me to swallow. Really hard. I don't get it. I thought me and her were close but I don't know now. On top of this, for the last couple of years she has had a habit of saying quite unkind things to me that I don't forget. For example, she came over once just after I had my hair restyled, and she said I looked like someone from the nineties. Then I passed my driving test, and she came in my car and laughed at me making mistakes and made me feel so paranoid that I haven't had her in my car since. Also, when I bought some clothes once and one item was a bra, she said to me 'there isno way you're a 36b'. Ad then mixed in with insults like that are times when she has been really good to me, and helped me when I have been very unwell mentally. So it's a mixed bag. But the wedding thing has really knocked me sideways, and even though he is her dad, he is a nasty bastard who should be in prison.

Annalisa, I have spoken to her with regards explaining why I can't be faced with him and she says she understands, but neither nor my mum are convinced that she does grasp the severity of what he did. I mean, if someone hurt people I loved dearly in that way I wouldn't want them anyone near me or them. I am thinking of seeing a counsellor.

Sorry OP but the more you reveal about your sister l find l son't like her very much at all.
She has chosen an abuser over her mother and sister. She has been nasty to you on more than one occasion. I would be really questioing wheither l want a relationship with someone who thinks so little