when is enough, enough?

[MidnightWorry]

I feel like im being ripped in two. Weve just had another row, hes so angry.

I told him its over, he suggested that I might chance it on the male friend who will be staying tonight.

Ive had enough, im just so tired.

Im sorry.

Do not apologise, Midnight. Is he suggesting you make out with the friend? Is there any way you can get some rest today? At the house of a friend or family member perhaps? Do you have DC? Can he look after them for a while so you can have a break? Tiredness makes everything seem worse. You need strength to deal with whatever is going on.

Everything is such a mess, I dont know how we go here.
Hes suggesting I might do something with our friend (i wouldnt).
We have 2 children, he shouts at them too much imo, hes always so angry slamming everything, I hate him and what hes become.

Im just so tired emotionally. I gave him everyhting, gave up everything for this, now im fucked.

I dont have a decent job,I cant afford the rent alone. But living with him is so hard. I undermine him by saying please dont shout, he tells me to fuck off.

Im not hugely bothered about the language, if hes cross but its every other word.

I just want a normal happy home. Sometimes I wish I could just dissapear.

I understand how you are feeling. I have felt/feel that way too.
No matter what problems we had a.d what disgusting behaviour he exhibited, I would NEVER have ended the relationship.
Twenty years of shouting, emotional and (sometimes) physical abuse, being reminded of all of my past 'wrongdoings' and being coerced into an abortion earlier this year. U still wouldn't have left.
My teenage children are delighted that he has ended things.
My advice, which I would never have heeded, is get out now. Whilst you have a shred of self esteem.
We can do this!
Thinking of you. X

It's the constant anger that I won't miss. It is draining.

thats it seperated, the constant anger. Surely it isnt this way in healthy relationships and surely there are men who wouldnt consider this ok.

He begged me to keep our first child, literally said I didnt have to stick around and cried at me. Promised me he would always do his best and he does try but why cant he be nicer to the kids? why does everyhting have to be too much hassle? I cant explain its just so screwed up

Mine is the same. Does love our two, but his default position is anger. And as our (now 15 year old) son has aged, my husband's aggression with him has increased.
Apparently, constant anger isn't normal(!) My husband 'never wanted any of this' (family life). I think the anger comes from the disparity between his actual life and the one he craves.
Does that seem a possibility for you?

You are not undermining him by telling him to stop behaving like the twattish bully he clearly is.

He is undermining you with every little bit of behaviour you have described.

Do you really want to spend the next 20 yrs being abused like this?

I'd start by finding out what benefits etc you would be entitled to if you kicked him out. (sorry am not in UK, so haven't a clue) Then he'd be gone.

You deserve better. x

I second that. Sorry.

It is so bad for kids to grow up with constant anger. And it's awful for you to live like this. Our final row which led to the split was about his hypercriticism of DC1 - who remains an unconfident child to this day with very low self-esteem.

You've done the right thing ending this. Ignore the comments about your friend. He is trying to goad you. Do you feel safe? When is he leaving? I think that is your priority.

I have fallen for similar promises from an emotional carwreck of a man. Every time I find LP life hardgoing, I remember what it was like living with him and his moods.

bucharest i undermine him when hes yelling at the kids I say you dont need to shout, and hes says just fuck off will you.

I dont want to spend it like this, no. But ive 2 kids and lets be honest im a bit of a mess physically . Whos going to want to take that on?
I think my children deserve better than a life on benefits, id be making them really poor.

why is it so hard

What your kids deserve is not to live in an abusive home!
I was bought up by a Mum on benefits and whilst not ideal, it was far better than it could have been.
Anyhow, once you've got rid of him you can sort your life out. Without this millstone you may be able to get some kind of job, and to look after yourself properly. I don't think you really realise how much he is weighing you down.

A life on benefits with a calm and emotionally sound DM is better than seeing mum being abused and being under fear of the constant wrath of their abusive father.
What we do to our children now will affect them as they grow up, affect their choice in life partner. Sons will grow up to think that's how you treat a woman, if you have a daughter she will grow up to think that's acceptable behavior from a partner, do you want that for your children?

I'm going to say what people have said to me.
Anything is better than your current situation.
You can do this. Alone. You don't need someone to take you on. That may come, eventually.
Life would be different, yes. But would it be worse?
One day I will have to explain to my children why I allowed them to continue in this situation (we still live together, currently, until house sells.)

Now I realise that anything would be better than this.

How old are your kids?

You need to get strong and leave this relationship.

What your kids deserve is not the life they have. A life living with an angry father that is always shouting at them? Far better to be poor and happy than have money and live in fear of the next angry episode.

I sent him a text " I dont want anyone else ( male friends name- really??) I just dont want our relationship as it is. Thats how I feel".

He replies " I wasnt suggesting you wanted friends name, I ment why get him round when things are like this. i dont want anyone else either"

so completly ignores my main point, our relationship as it is.

hes so hard to communicate with. I wish he were a woman sometimes.

I wish mu Mum had stuck up for me.

I grew up with a Stepdad like this.

Life with less money would have been much preferable to being shouted at for the smallest thing, i used to spend as much time out of the house as possible or spend all my time in my room. It got much worse as i got older and became a teenager and started to have my own opinions and attempted to stick up for myself.

I have very low confidence now and when anyone raises their voice to me i panic and want to run away. I know it's difficult, i understand why mum didn't kick him out, but i now feel angry at her for not getting us out of that situation.
Sorry this is a bit jumbled.

Sorry i didnt see your replies when i posted.

I just (and god this sounds like something i used to listen to on Trisha) that he would change. He says I work 8 hours a day you know, well I work 20 hrs a day too.

I cant put into words how nice he used to be, people always said what a good person he is. But he has changed. Im almost too scared to to write the extent of it, not violence wise but anger.
Im always so tense, he says I worry to much and im paranoid but he dousnt have to deal with the fall out.

I just dont know.

It's no good thinking about the person he used to be.

If he's not that person now (which he isn't) then until that person you loved comes back, and says sorry and means it and makes amends for the truly vile things he is saying to you and about you and in front of your children, then he has to go.

And of course everyone is right about the benefits. Money really is a secondary issue to what you are putting yourself and your children through.

My Dad was a bully and I can still remember (and will, till the day I die) what he used to say and do to my Mum. I can still remember her getting into my bed because he was pissed and she was scared of him.

That was over 40 yrs ago. Do you want your children to remember stuff like that?

And if you are undermining him by telling him his behaviour is unacceptable, then what is he doing?

I'd stop with the texting as well, by the way. Texting is the way teenagers sort their petty spats out. You need to be a bit more grown up now.

Stepdad was nice when Mum first met him, and he had the occasional flash of niceness which made her stay.

I used to tell her when he was horrible to me, she would have a go at him when i was out, then when i came home he would sneer at me 'oh have you been telling tales to Mummy again?' He never once hit me, but i hated him.

If you want the relationship to end then you just have to say so. It doesn't matter what he says.

It doesn't matter why he is like this. It doesn't matter that he used to be lovely. He isn't now. And you have every right to not put up with it and end the relationship.

Whenever you are ready, you can end the relationship. He won't change.

No i dont, i grew up in a similar home. thats what makes it so awful.
I cant tell my parents why we had split up, theyd know it was a mirror of their relationship too.

Maybe we could live apart, but how will i work? the children are being v difficult at the moment and i dont know if i can cope alone. 4 years ago we had the world at our feet and now I wish id never met him.

You will proably find that when your DH is out of the house your childrens behaviour will improve.

Don't think about working now, don't think about who will take you on.

Just think about getting back the person you used to be. You can't be responsible for him, just you and your children.

You can and will cope alone, because you won't be alone.

Don't worry about your parents either, surely they, of all people would understand and wouldn't want you to go through a shitty relationship like they did?

(and agree with rarebreed-the children's behaviour probably stems from the shit they are watching going on around them)

The nice person he used to be was just an act. The person you have to live with is completely different, isn't he? That's the real him, the him you see on on daily basis. He's got too comfortable with you now to keep up the act. Let go of the person he was, that person never really existed. I know it's hard, I'm not being glib. I had to do this myself.

You don't deserve to live like this, hope you can make the break soon. You will cope better alone. The children are probably more difficult because he is there. You will all relax and feel better when he is gone. You are exhausted by the tension involved in this situation. I bet you anything life seems a whole lot easier when you are alone with the children.

Yes, you will have to deal with practicalities. But you owe it to yourself and your children to remove yourself from this. Living with anger will grind you down, and your children will be affected by this all their lives, if they have to carry on living with it, if you continue to validate it by staying in the same house with him.