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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

married to a workaholic

30 replies

Killkenny4 · 27/01/2012 22:55

Hi hope you can help.
I am married eight years and have two beautiful ds. My dh is a musician and is self employed. My issue is that he is extremely dedicated to his work which leaves very little time for family life. When he has a deadline to meet he will work seven days a week up to ten hours a day and even when not so busy he could still work all most every day in the week but not as long. We have had constant fights over his contribution at home. He feels it is acceptable to help get the children out to school 3 days a week the other 4 he will be asleep due to late night gigs. He might then have dinner with us and return to his work until seven when then he will help put the children to bed. One evening a week he minds the boys from six and puts them to bed while i work. He doesnt do any housework except put out a bin or wash up after dinner if he is there. He does no diy or even organises payment of bills.
I feel constantly let down yet for those who he works with he will dot every i and cross every t. My oldset boys regularly asks him to spend time with him but he just tells him he has to work. He tells me he spends way more time with his children than other dads. He also just told me this week that under no circumstances will he agree to another child and i have to stop asking for any more time from him as he just wants to work. He despite this is excellent with the boys when he does give them time but i feel it is not near enough. I resent him so much, our marriage is suffering hugely and our sex life is non existent. He will not budge what do i do.

Thanks for reading

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 27/01/2012 23:08

If you cannot live as it is now then you have to leave him or ask him to leave.

What alternative is there considering he won't budge and you aren't happy.

Original poster

Killkenny4 · 27/01/2012 23:27

I still love him. I would be throwing away our marriage that is great in so many other ways. Surely its not that clear cut, i need to get him to compromise. I'm also wondering what is an acceptable amount of time for dad to spend with his kids?

OP posts:

joanofarchitrave · 27/01/2012 23:33

Great in so many other ways? What ways?

You could try writing a post from your dh's point of view, maybe. Not that I think you should agree with him, but it sounds like you both have a different view of the way a partnership should be.

purpleroses · 27/01/2012 23:35

He eats with you, helps put them to bed and takes to school 3 days a week - that doesn't sound too awful really. Maybe you should set out what you think is reasonable for him, let him say what he thinks and see what compromises you can reach. Could he set aside a fixed period of time at the weekend that is family time? (eg every Sunday)

Do you work? If not, the housework contribution sounds fair enough to me, but if you do work full time then that's not really fair.

Original poster

Killkenny4 · 27/01/2012 23:38

I am still attracted to him, i still find him interesting, he makes me laugh alot and theres lots of travelling that we would both love to do when the kids are older. I like your idea of writing from his point of view. What do you think of saying absolutlely no children?

OP posts:

Original poster

Killkenny4 · 27/01/2012 23:41

Hi purple roses i work part time, just two 18 hours a week.

OP posts:

callmemrs · 27/01/2012 23:46

I think being around to take the children to school 3 times a week is pretty good really- more than many working parents are able to do. Realistically if a lot of his work is late night, he's going to be sleeping in sometimes.
Are both children at school? (your post im

BackforGood · 27/01/2012 23:48

Like most things, you could choose to compare with those who split everything 50:50 with their partners, or you could choose to compare with a lot of SAHMs, who never have any help getting the dcs up and out for school, or whose dh's are never there to eat dinner with the family, and never there to put the dc to bed. From where I'm sitting, it doesn't seem that bad. I also think that if you are a SAHM with school age children, and he is working the hours you say, it doesn't sound unreasonable that the housework is left to you either, tbh - although I'm sure that's probably not what you wanted us to say.

callmemrs · 27/01/2012 23:48

Oops posted too soon. Your post says he takes the children to school which implies they're both school age .if this is so, the division of labour sounds fair enough. If you still have a child at home then you have less time to get things done so he could help more.

As for another child - well that is a clear cut issue. He says he doesn't want more so you need to respect that and not pressurise him to father more kids, especially when you feel he doesn't do enough with the ones he has

BackforGood · 27/01/2012 23:49

x-posted, with the work situation, but the point still stands, if you compare the hours you both work.

Original poster

Killkenny4 · 27/01/2012 23:51

hi
just one ds is at school. It's good to hear that others think that his contribution is not bad. I would love to think that things are not as bad as i think and may be i need to a kick in the arse. This i could get over.

OP posts:

callmemrs · 28/01/2012 00:00

I think he could be doing a little more in the home, but having said that, he has much longer working hours than you. It sounds as though he has a great relationship with his kids which counts for a hell of a lot. Why do you feel so strongly that he should be doing more with them? And why talk about another child when he is very clear that he doesn't want to father more?

Original poster

Killkenny4 · 28/01/2012 00:07

He spends a very limited amount of leisuretime with them, i think it would be great if once in a while he would take them swimming or the cinema etc but this doesnt happen. On the other issue i feel that while having another child will put huge pressure especially on me its something im afraid i will regret. I also think two is such a small family and all ways thought that we would have more

OP posts:

BackforGood · 28/01/2012 00:09

I also think what makes a huge difference, is the fact your dh is spending a lot of hours AT WORK, and not spending all those hours playing cricket or going to the pub or going fishing or playing on the x-box or whatever. I guess in an ideal world, most of us would like to work fewer hours or less days or have more holidays or whatever, but sometimes finances are such that we need to do what we have to do.

Original poster

Killkenny4 · 28/01/2012 00:16

Hi back for good i have considered this point, it does makes sense. I have never shared my thoughts with anyone on this topic and am delighted i have. Thanks for all your thoughts obiously the general consensus is that things are not as bad as i think and maybe i should just move on with our marriage as it is and be thankfull.

OP posts:

thenightsky · 28/01/2012 00:17

I too am married to a workaholic for the last 30 years. He even worked away 5 days a week for the first 5 years of DC2's life, only being home on weekends. I kept the resentment at bay by reminding myself he was doing it for us.

I could type loads but i'm pissed - it being friday an-all.

thenightsky · 28/01/2012 00:17

god sorry... i'll add more tomorrow if you're interest OP.

Original poster

Killkenny4 · 28/01/2012 00:20

excellent night sky you enjoy. tommorrow would be great

OP posts:

BackforGood · 28/01/2012 00:28

At the end of the day, there's no "right" answer, it's about what works for you.
Would you prefer it if he worked fewer hours but the financial drop meant you took on more hours ?
Or he worked fewer hours but you had less money to spend each month?
Or he worked fewer hours but you had to downsize and live in either a smaller house or a worse area?

Different things are important to different people.

Also, workaholic type people often need to fill their time doing something constructive, so, if you persuaded him to work less, does he then have the sort of personality that would be snuggling on the sofa with you each evening, or, possibly would he fill that void with a hobby - still taking the hours, butcosting you rather than earning for you ?

callmemrs · 28/01/2012 09:24

I think thats a very good point backforgood

You can't change someone's personality. It sounds like if you try to force him into working less, he'll probably find another outlet for his energy and interest- it won't necessarily be more time just relaxing with the family. I also agree that you need to look at all sides of this. If he works less, he earns less. Are you ready to step up to plug that gap in earning? Being a musician is often very reliant on keeping a high profile through networking and being around all local gigs and other musicians, and no doubt if he drops his work load you will feel the knock on.

He sounds like a loving caring dad, but I sense you have a fixed idea of what that should look like- and in your mind it's having a big family with dad around all the time. Two children is fine. You can be a great family unit. Better to have a happy family of four than a resentful and unhappy one of five because you've convinced him against his judgement to have another child

Original poster

Killkenny4 · 28/01/2012 10:19

thanks so much for all your opinions it has really helped me there, i think last two posts have been very wise and its such a healthy way to look at my issue. I really feel i needed someone to help me look positively and put me in the right frame of mind. It feels good to get someomes perspective and for someone to say 'hello' your situation is not so bad. I think i just got into a negative cycle and found it difficult to see what was fair.
Thanks for your time.

OP posts:

juneau · 28/01/2012 10:31

Bearing all that you've said in mind, why on earth do you want another child with this man???? Makes no sense at all to me.

As for his contribution - it sounds about the same as my DH's - and not that unusual. The fact is that for many families these days having a workaholic parent is the only way for them to have a successful breadwinner in the house. My DH works long hours, often has client events in the evenings, has regular business travel (tomorrow he's off to the US for an entire week), is often exhausted when he's at home so sleeps in late at the weekends, spends far too long on his computer when he's awake, and doesn't lift a finger around the house. He doesn't even put the bins out - I do everything. OTOH, he earns good money that allows me to be a SAHM, to have a cleaner, to buy a house and renovate it, and to be able to afford to travel and have the nice things in life. My opinion on all this is that you can't have it all, so you have to choose what to compromise on.

LadyMedea · 28/01/2012 10:34

One thing you haven't mentioned is... Do you get to spend anytime just the two of you? Is he kind and attentive? What does he say about the sex side of things? Sounds like its less about the kids and more about you needing him more.

I good book on negotiation is 'how to help your partner say yes' by Andrew Marshall. Worth a look at least.

buggyRunner · 28/01/2012 10:40

Sounds like you want another child to fill a gap?
Sounds like he does a lot but perhaps it doesn't feel like much as you know he is doing above and beyond the hours expected of him at work, hence you feel he is putting work before you.
It is his personality type, like previous posters have said.
Why don't you thunk about getting some you time/ hobby where you can meet new friends. Then hopefully you won't feel lonely.

Hardgoing · 28/01/2012 11:07

Some people are naturally quite workaholic, my husband is and his father is too. I don't mind as I like to work hard myself and have quite a lot of time on my own (or rather with the children). When they were very little, I set down really clear 'rules' e.g. can you be in twice a week by 7 and spend all Sunday with us? Sounds a bit anal, but I found that if we didn't schedule time together, it slipped into him staying late all the time (and he really was at his desk).

Some people like to do everything together, I've noticed, like dropping their children off to scheduled activities together, eating out a lot together, doing the housework together in the evenings. Others just don't.

It is not unreasonable to want one day a week together as a family with no work in it, or for him to do school runs (which he does) or to help with housework. It sounds like he is doing some of this, but it could be tweaked further to suit you, what you want may not be as impossible as you think at the moment.

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