married to a workaholic

[Killkenny4]

Hi hope you can help.
I am married eight years and have two beautiful ds. My dh is a musician and is self employed. My issue is that he is extremely dedicated to his work which leaves very little time for family life. When he has a deadline to meet he will work seven days a week up to ten hours a day and even when not so busy he could still work all most every day in the week but not as long. We have had constant fights over his contribution at home. He feels it is acceptable to help get the children out to school 3 days a week the other 4 he will be asleep due to late night gigs. He might then have dinner with us and return to his work until seven when then he will help put the children to bed. One evening a week he minds the boys from six and puts them to bed while i work. He doesnt do any housework except put out a bin or wash up after dinner if he is there. He does no diy or even organises payment of bills.
I feel constantly let down yet for those who he works with he will dot every i and cross every t. My oldset boys regularly asks him to spend time with him but he just tells him he has to work. He tells me he spends way more time with his children than other dads. He also just told me this week that under no circumstances will he agree to another child and i have to stop asking for any more time from him as he just wants to work. He despite this is excellent with the boys when he does give them time but i feel it is not near enough. I resent him so much, our marriage is suffering hugely and our sex life is non existent. He will not budge what do i do.

Thanks for reading

There's a lot of truth in what Juneau says. Generally speaking, families operate by having either one partner working very long hours as main/sole breadwinner (upside- you have one partner to focus on home stuff, downside- you have more polarised roles and probably see less of eachother)
OR
You split the roles more equably (upside- neither partner is pigeonholed as 'breadwinner' or 'homemaker, downside- you both have to deal with the pressures of work and home stuff)

That's a generalisation obviously but it's broadly true. I think couples need to be very honest about the fact that you cant have the upsides without the downs. It's not that there's a right or a wrong way- simply that there's good and bad to both.

You have opted for a model where your partner is working all hours, and you are working comparatively few and focusing on home and kids. Which is fine. But you need to accept that there are downsides.

I also agree that it sounds a bit like your desire for another child is to fill a gap rather than genuinely both feeling your family is incomplete.

Anyway- I'm glad the thread is helpful.

And, having read your message again, I think the problem lies in the relationship between the two of you (which isn't necessarily down to his working, or at least not totally). I think you need to have a serious chat with him about feeling neglected and like in last place of importance, and then work out how you can spend time together as a couple (even just watching TV together a couple of evenings a week).

As for the children issue, I think until the other issues are sorted, perhaps having another child isn't the solution, you would be on your own even more with even more responsibilities. I understand this is a heart rather than a head thing though for you.

I think 3 mornings per weeks good too and eating with you and putting to bed, my dp is doing 14 hours a day 7 days a week at the moment and never helps with the kids or takes them to school even when doing shorter days or at weekends as he's too tired, but if you're not happy you need to talk to him.

He seems like he wants to have his cake and eat it.

He is not behaving like a family man at all, If he refuses to budge I would consider seperation.

How ever in the mean stop doing things like cleaning his clothes etc. don't pander to someone who won't help you.

I don't see how separation will help! She says she is happy with him and loves him.
Separation will just mean the kids are unhappy and see less of him, and that she then has to step up and work more as I doubt they can run two homes with her working part time- so she'll see less of the kids too.