New baby. Relationship suffering. Help

[civilfawlty]

So. This is my second child (have an 8 yr old dd and ds is 2 weeks) but my dh's first. He, my dh, is a wonderful man and has wholeheartedly accepted my daughter and never questioned that. My first relationship failed because my ex was an abusive drunk. I went into having a baby with my eyes open-I knew I'd be shattered etc-and I knew he had no idea what was coming. He isn't the kind to do lots of research, so he had little prep.

Anyway-this time round, for the most part, it has been loads easier (so far). My ds is calm and my bf-ing has worked-no room pacing at 4am (yet-I know it will come). My dh has been helpful and done washing and cooking and the school run.

But... last time I was a de facto single parent (and left my ex shortly after my dd was born). I expected that part, the relationship part, of this to be simple and joyous. But I have never felt more alone. He hasn't said how proud he is of me, or how happy he is, he doesn't tell me he loves me, or holds my hand. It has all stopped. It was an incredibly stressful labour and a c section with a GA. I lost a lot of blood, was on tons of drugs, am very anaemic and keep having random bleeds. I have to go to the hospital every day for a month for anti coag injections - but I have a massive needle phobia, so everyday I have a panic attack. He doesn't ask how they are going, or seem proud that I am battling a massive phobia so I can breastfeed our son. I know I'm an adult, but I feel... irrelevant and invisible. And he goes on and on about how thrilled he is that the stand in he recruited to cover him while he was on pat leave is amazing-their emails are brilliant etc. And I want to scream I just had fucking abdominal surgery and I'm having all these injections and you don't seem to care. Or we went shopping today because he wanted to buy some things for the baby. And he got lovely things for my dd too-I mean he is really generous. But I might not have been there. He didn't really talk to me. He had to keep checking work emails. And I know that's how he pays for all the stuff. But-three weeks ago we talked and laughed and had an amazing time. I went to the toilet and realised I was bleeding heavily again and he just shrugged. I don't understand what has happened.

We just watched an episode of the sopranos-which we always used to do cuddled up together. No cuddling. And he decided to go to bed. So he turned off the telly and the lights and just left me in a dark room. So now I'm sitting in the kitchen, crying, holding my baby.
God-it all sounds so facile now I write it down. Just... is this normal? Is it him coming to terms with being a parent? Because this can't go wrong. I can't do this on my own again. I really can't.

Oh poor you - sending a hug and tissues. And chocolate cake, and big lovely coffee and a small gift wrapped with a big bow (it's probably a necklace), and a massive card saying WELL DONE! You HAVE survived a massive operation, what's more you've come home, with your darling new bundle of joy, and you are all settling into family life together, going shopping etc - there's lots to be cheerful about if you think about being proud of yourself.

I do hope your DH has been a bit more empathetic and thoughtful since you posted. Speaking from experience, sometimes they (partners) can feel a bit sidelined through the whole pregnancy / birth process - they rarely get asked how they are feeling even though it's a life changing event for them as well. He was probably terrified when you had the op but, being a bloke, his reaction is to pretend it hasn't been as serious as it was. He's powerless to help in a practical way (like fixing the car for example!) so you reminding him you're still not right by having bleeds (which I hope have stopped?) might make him feel a bit impotent. That is to say, he's feeling a bit useless at not being able to do more for you and instead of realising the best way to help you is to be there for you (as a female friend would), he's cross you're asking him to help with something he can't do anything about. That is my little take on male psychology; I'm not trying to let him off the hook, just thinking about everything you've been through (and will be going through for some weeks yet in terms of recovery/sleepless nights etc) from his point of view.

I know how disappointing it is when your dh doesn't 'get' that you need a cuddle and masses of appreciation. In the same way that his behaviour has changed since that lovely night watching the sopranos, he has seen you go through a huge amount of stuff and you are not in the same frame of mind you were back then either but you will both get back to that point though I promise! I think a few misunderstandings and rows are par for the course when there's such huge upheaval and heightened emotions flying around. Get girlfriends round for support as much as you can. Also let him know how you'd like him to behave but not accusingly, they can be sensitive flowers.

I think we can all relate to the crying in the kitchen alone scenario and I really feel for you. I hope things get better between you v v soon as you have so much to celebrate.

He turned off the TV you were watching, the lights that lit you both?

That is not normal, whatever the reason. You poor bugger. Even if deeply traumatised behaviour like that is appalling. Can you talk to him? Can you talk to someone else together?

I can understand that he might be having difficulty adjusting, and isn't reacting well to the fear/uncertainty of the birth - but switching off the lights and TV as if you weren't even there sounds cruel, way beyond normal

Could he be depressed? Would he talk to the GP or go with you to Relate?

It was an incredibly stressful labour and a c section with a GA. I lost a lot of blood, was on tons of drugs, am very anaemic and keep having random bleeds. I have to go to the hospital every day for a month for anti coag injections - but I have a massive needle phobia, so everyday I have a panic attack

From what you've said of him in the post, his behaviour towards you sounds out of character. Is it possible that he is having difficulty processing (for want of a better word) what happened to you - basically, he's in shock?

The way he's treating you is horrible, but it's not unusual for people who've been very upset, even traumatised, to turn on those closest to them.

If he won't discuss this with you, maybe he needs to see his doctor or a counsellor.

You need to talk to him. The whole labour thing will gave been v stressful for him too and hd probably has no idea how to deal with it - blokes just don't talk about this kind of stuff. Could he be focussing on work because that is "safe territory"?

Sounds to me like he may be suffering a form of shock or reaction to what you went through.

After reading what you have both been through, I can't help but think he is in shock somewhat. Okay, you deserve a massive amount of credit and all, but has anyone said they are proud of him? I can't imagine how horrible it must be to witness all that and feel completely helpless... he may also not know how to handle the issues you are having now with panic attacks etc, and he is scared!

Sounds like he has bonded well with the new baby, and he is good with your daughter... maybe he is finding it hard with you as you have been through all this and he doesn't know how to approach it?
Have you tried calmly talking about how he feels about what's happened? x

If he really just switched off the lights and left you sitting in the dark, that is appalling. That is a horrible thing to do to someone.

Do you think he is jealous? I've heard some partners do get jealous when a newborn arrives, because they are there all the time, physically coming between you. Previously, even though you have an older child, you will have been able to devote a fair amount of time to your relationship with him. You are currently having to focus on your new child and yourself, with all the health issues you are facing.

I think withholding praise and physical contact is something a jealous person would do.

What he needs to understand is that you BOTH need to focus on the new baby. Is he getting properly involved? Doing lots of holding and baby cuddling? Wanting to buy things for the baby isn't the same, is it?

Firstly, congratulations on the new arrival!

I suspect that he's in shock and that there's an element of guilt here. He's possibly thinking "my God! I got her pregnant and look at what she's had to go through! I didn't realise how traumatic it would be and it's all my fault, and she'll blame me for nearly killing her!"

It's a natural instinct of men to be protective, and what happened was a situation he couldn't control. He possibly doesn't want to come close in order to give you space to recover, so perversely in the back of his mind he's being kind to you. Even the nicest of men is capable of accidentally being a complete pillock about a woman's emotional needs, so the only answer is to sit him down and communicate. Tell him how you feel, tell him what you want and that you're not going to break or bite his head off if he does try giving you cuddles.

p.s. Sorry to sound very man-centric and to put the burden back on you, OP. One of you has to break the deadlock, however, and you're far better placed than him to do it, by starting a conversation. Men have strengths sometimes, but this area is definitely one of their weaknesses!

It sounds to me like he is in shock, his behaviour from your post seems out of character, almost as if he's not thinking. I had a similar experience with my first I went into prem labour was hospitalised for weeks ended up nearly dying after a crash c section, Neo natal, intensive care etc. all throughout dp was amazing then we came home and I might as well have been invisible he didn't talk to me, touch me or anything. This went on for about 2 months and I finally cracked screamed cried told him how I felt - to my shock he broke down sobbing turns out he was so scared and shocked he literally shut down hoping that if he didn't care it wouldn't hurt him like that if anything happened . Anyway the point is I think you should talk to him tell him how you are feeling it may just be that he doesn't even realise, and men are never typically very good at initiating such a conversation I hope everything works out. We now have another baby and everything it's totally different he was prepared and knew how i felt. Take care

Is the 'stand-in' a woman by any chance OP?

Hey. Thanks all for your thoughts.

I agree he may be in shock - both fromthe preg/labour and just from the experience of having a baby. I guess it must feel odd that I have done it before. It's worth saying that he is completely in love with the baby. There is no issue with their bond. I suppose, in a way, it feels like it has supplanted ours. Except that sounds incredibly childish. I suppose I am used to juggling the needs of, and love for, a child, and for him. And he isn't. And he is overwhelmed by his love for the baby.

I think it isworth noting that I have een praising him (for doing things round the house, for coming to see me in hospital etc but also for his care for the baby-because know how easy it would be for him to feel undermined or anxious because it's new to him), and I have asked him how e feels, whether he needs naps etc-so I do think he has got support and concern. And he is a good man and, while a tad self obsessed, genuine and kind (and im sure he isn't depressed) so I don't think he even knows he is being a bit of an arse. And I think maybe I'm overreacting bit because I had wanted so much for it to be so much more than last time. And I feel so sad that it just hasn't happened that way. I'm still crying, metaphorically, in the kitchen, despite the lovely husband up in bed and the wedding ring on my finger

Anyway-I guess we need to talk about it, or I need to decide it doesn't matter. One of the two.

Yeah. Stand in is a woman. Happily married and they have barely spent more than a few mornings together handing owe work. I don't think she is a threat, or that he is attracted to her.

Have you asked him why he's being so cruel?

You should talk about it. Even if you get past this without comment, even if your normal relationship returns, you will probably dwell on this period in the months/years to come and feel rubbish about it. Talk to him, ask him why. He's withdrawn from you. You have a right to know why.

Just IMO, I don't think the stand-in at work is anything to do with anything - work is something is has some control over, but he had no control over what happened to you.

A friend of mine is a midwife and said once that in her experience, in the delivery room men generally find the lack of control difficult, and can be very scared (though loathed to admit it). They expect that x,y and z will happened - if x,y and z don't happen as expected, they flounder. I know that's a generalisation, but might be a helpful starting point for you OP, when you talk to him.

Thank you. Agree. The feeling of helplessness must have felt shitty. I just want a cuddle and him to tell me he loves me. And some sense that he is trying to consider what I have been through-because I have done this for him. And to sense he is proud of/ pleased with me as he his of this new member of staff. Urgh.

Point taken. I do need to raise it. Think I'm going to try softly at first: whilst on sofa 100 miles apart - 'we can still cuddle up, I'm not too sore' - or something. And if he does the lights thing again, will tackle it at the time. Think it's the best way.

I think he might've had a horrible shock/actually be in shock, but that he's also being very cruel to you, and it makes me quite sad.

I hope talking to him is useful/works.

Don't have much to add to the replies you've had so far, except what I'm sure everyone else also means to say; we are very proud of you, you are bringing another person gently into the world which surrounds them (I mean your baby). Perhaps it is more difficult for your partner, but this should not be your concern alone: bring it to his attention, if he's worth his salt he will be concerned as to how he's making you feel, and how he's affectng your baby. Lots of love and support, you are doing so well xxx

Oh poor snookum wookums, couldn't handle watching you in labour and now the poor baby waby is so traumatised by the pain and invasive surgery THAT YOU WENT THROUGH, he's acting like a prick and YOU'RE supposed to be understanding towards HIM?

Please. he's being pathetic and he needs to man up.

You've just had a baby and major surgery. You're breastfeeding and being a mum to your newborn and your DD.

He's ignoring you and turning lights out on you and leaving you sitting in the dark. WTAF?

And this 'mentionitis' of his cover at work. You didn't answer the question upthread: is his stand-in a woman? If the answer's yes, I bet that's got more to do with his twattish behaviour that you realise.

Oh fuck. He sounds terrible. I've only got one child and my ex is a completely unemotional un-empathy laden twunt, but he was still nicer than yours is being, and he was also in shock from a bad birth experience.

Sounds like he's freaking out about being a new parent and hiding out in the bits of his head that make him feel safe and familiar, i.e work. Unfortunately, he's also behaving like a massive bell-end in the process. I would certainly raise it with him, and not softy softly either. You'll never get these first weeks wth DS back :( Don't LET him ruin them for you and you wonderful new addition.

Oh, and congratulations :)

The OP has now confirmed the stand-in is a woman and I agree that she is a factor in what's going on. Tbh, I suspect you think this too OP, or you wouldn't have mentioned it in your OP.

I admit that like madonna I've been baffled by posters' sympathy for a man who turns the lights out on his wife - and why they are attributing this shitty behaviour to male post-natal shock.

If he was always a nice bloke and has suddenly changed towards his wife, there's normally only one reason for that and it's got bugger all to do with childbirth. I don't care how 'happily married' he's depicting the stand-in to be. Neither of them will be the first 'happily married' people to have an affair and they won't be the last.

Hugs and hugs. I felt the same when my DS was born.

I dont like the sound of this one bit Op .

Your Husband is on paternity leave , is offering you no emotional support or praise , but is constantly praising his new female stand in and constantly checking work emails . Paternity leave is time for him to spend with you and baby , what is the need for constant contact between this woman and him ? Is she incompetant ? If so she should direct any queries to someone else .

You said he ignored you on a recent shopping trip in preferance of checking work emails . The point is if hes on paternity leave he shouldnt be receiving work emails at all and i would query exactly what these emails are about . I am assuming she is his stand in ( picked by him ) while he ttakes paternity leave , correct me if im wrong .

As Stern says , if he was always a nice bloke and is suddenly showing signs of emotional detatchment i would be very concerned and would access that phone discreetly and keep an eye on things .

If it definateley isnt that , i would be having very very strong words about his lack of support , affection , and this very very unpleasant act of leaving you sat in a dark room .

I too am shocked by the " poor man " attitude on this thread . The Op has had a stressfull delivery , major surgery , still has health issues and a new born to care for , while her H bangs on and on about the woman at work , shrugs when shes bleeding , and leaves her sat in a dark room . How awful .

Why go at it softly ? Why not say " You are being shit , unsupportive and plain rude , and its not on ". Why not challenge him directly when he left you sat in a dark room on your own ?