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Original poster

Bloody lapdancing clubs....

31 replies

molschambers · 26/01/2012 12:06

I'm being ridiculous. I know this but I need to get this off my chest as I have no one I can talk to about it.

YEARS ago (more than 10) DH went on a feckin stag do. He went to two "gentleman's" clubs. I have known about this since it happened. I decided not to make an issue of it as it was a one off. So why is it still festering away at the back of my mind? I don't think about it often but every now and again...

Lapdancing came up in conversation last night (after something was said about it on CBB). We'd both had a few drinks. I mentioned the time he'd been and we just got "chatting" about it. I was pushing for info really. But at the same time not really wanting to know. Which is pathetic. I know this.

Anyway I got pissed off and today I just feel a bit sick about the whole thing.

It was such a long time ago but I just can't bear the thought of the whole thing. Him ogling these girls and paying them to dance for him (boak). The whole concept makes me uncomfortable. God only knows where these women come from and what has led them to be there.

He doesn't see why it should piss me off now when it didn't then. I think at the time I pretended it didn't piss me off because I was very young and didn't want to be the killjoy wife. I refer to the women as "eastern european sex slaves" he argues they were nice girls trying to pay their way through college .

Just had to get that off my chest. Wish I could say it makes me feel better writing it down but I'm not sure it does.

OP posts:

Musso · 26/01/2012 12:18

I feel exactly the same I wouldn't be able to forget it if my h went to one even after 10 years they are gross and demoralising

pollyblue · 26/01/2012 12:21

I think what troubles me most about lapdancing clubs etc is the vast amounts of money young women can earn working there - it says a lot (and not in a good way) about how our society still values (or rather, doesn't) women - don't worry about working hard at school girls it's all a waste of time, just get yer t*its out and you can earn a fortune without risking frown lines around your eyes from all that studying.....

How does he feel about it now? Does he still see no harm in it? (would he like his daughter/niece working in a lapdancing club?)

Original poster

molschambers · 26/01/2012 12:30

I am trying to keep a lid on my feelings about it tbh. It seems futile to have a big row about it now. And it would end up a row. We're not great at communicating when it comes to things like this. He doesn't see the harm and he won't understand why I want to bring it up now. He hasn't been back and I don't think has ever felt particularly inclined to repeat the experience.

He's never seemed that kind of "jack the lad". What got me last night is that he mentioned when he'd phoned up to book the place (I thought you just turned up - why would you need to book?). For some reason, knowing that he was in fact reponsible for arrangements really upset me. I'd always imagined he was a hanger on following the crowd.

OP posts:

DearBeirdre · 26/01/2012 12:42

I can understand you don't like the idea of lapdancing clubs, and expecially the fact that your DH went to one.

But, you need to put this into perspective:

He went to a lapdancing club - on a stag do.

Granted, if he was frequenting them on a regular basis that would be another issue altogether - but whether you like it or not, going to a lapdancing club is just about the most "par for the course" activity there is on a stag do.

The fact it's become an issue that is eating away at you now - all these years later - would lead me to think that there are other things you are also unhappy about with him, and this is another stick you have found to beat him with?

Original poster

molschambers · 26/01/2012 12:46

I agree Beirdre up to a point. I realise that I'm being unreasonable / irrational and I need to forget about it. I'm not sure that my feelings are to do with being unhappy with him tbh. I think it's more about my own insecurities.

OP posts:

PosieParker · 26/01/2012 12:48

This is why you are right OP Show your DH.

ABatInBunkFive · 26/01/2012 12:50

10 years ago and he's never been back since? You need to get some perspective tbh. What exactly would make you feel better if you did have it out with him? What could he say his actions (not going again) have spoken far more than anything he could say but for some reason you still don't feel that's enough. :(

ABatInBunkFive · 26/01/2012 12:52

Why Posie? He's not planning another trip he doesn't frequent them what exactly has he done wrong?

spooktrain · 26/01/2012 12:53

you don't sound insecure to me, you sound disgusted. Why should these feelings be labelled 'irrational'? Your husband has been party (and quite an active one at that) to a situation that is vilely degrading to the dignity of all women. Do you have any DCs? Daughters?
I don't know where you can take it from here, it sounds like you are looking for some kind of acknowledgement from him that the whole incident was unacceptable.
Maybe he needs a reality check on how these clubs actually operate?

spooktrain · 26/01/2012 12:55

ABat - did you read Posie's link?

izzyskungheifatchoy · 26/01/2012 12:58

He may have been responsible for making the arrangements, but it's probable that in this he was merely the clerk who was delegated with the task of organising a stag night which had been determined by the groom and other participants.

FWIW, 10+ years ago the world of 'gentleman's clubs' was markedly different to what passes for these particular establishments today.

I know of many young women who worked in clipjoints venues in the City of Westminster (which encompasses Soho, Mayfair, Piccadilly etc) around this time and I can assure you that no hanky panky of any kind was allowed on the premises.

One young English born and bred woman of my acquaintance who is currently employed by such an establishment is a veritable model of probity and moral rectitude to the extent that I would describe her as more anally retentive than the tightest lipped mandarin of Whitehall the club she works for is often frequented by politicians of all parties

Don't let this long past event spoil the present - what's done is done and, as it can't be undone, you're best advised to let it RIP.

sheeplikessleep · 26/01/2012 12:59

This is 10 years ago. Would he go now? Does he put it down to being young and naive? Is it one of those things that yeah, it happened, but he wouldn't ever contemplate going now?

I think how he views it now is more important than the fact he went 10 years ago.

Original poster

molschambers · 26/01/2012 13:00

Posie I think the effects of working in these places bothers me a lot. I hate to think of DH supporting that even once (well technically twice as they went to two places).

MN has opened my eyes to damage that these places do - both in terms of the women that work there and the general objectification of women. It wasn't something I had any awareness of at the time that he went. Now I would make my feelings very clear if there was any hint that there might be a repeat. It seems unfair to do that retrospectively which is why I don't want to make it into a big thing but I'm finding it's playing on my mind today.

OP posts:

sheeplikessleep · 26/01/2012 13:02

Is it playing on your mind that he went 10 years ago?

Or that he might go in the present?

maandpa · 26/01/2012 13:03

Over 10 years ago dh was on his own stag do, and went to a lapdancing club, where 2 dancers simulated lesbian sex, tied him up, took his clothes off (but left his boxies on) and sat on his knee.

He says its the least erotic thing that has ever happened to him!!!!

OP it was a long time ago. I agree, I really hate the concept of these places, and objectifying of women that goes on in them. But don't lose anymore time on dwelling on your dh having gone to one of these horrid places.

I never think about DH having gone tbh. Although when he has gone on other stag nights (or mini breaks) also years ago, I have made him promise not to go in them again. He used to go for a meal with the 1 or 2 other blokes that found them too full on and intense as well. Or felt that they were being unfaithful to their partners by taking part.

ABatInBunkFive · 26/01/2012 13:03

Spooktrain - yes but he can't ungo can he, op says he hasn't been back it doesn't sound like he's planning to either. it was over 10 years ago.

sheeplikessleep · 26/01/2012 13:07

Talk to him. See how he views these places now and whether it would ever happen again or if the idea is really not 'him' anymore.

Original poster

molschambers · 26/01/2012 13:08

spooktrain I think perhaps you have hit the nail on the head. I am disgusted about the whole thing.

The verbal slaps are appreciated btw. I will let it rest. As I have been doing for years. I didn't bring it up this time. Had I not had a couple of glasses of wine I probably wouldn't have entered into conversation about it tbh. I don't know any of the details of what actually happened. I don't think I want to but at the the same time it feels like I should know iyswim. Like it's all a bit of a secret.

OP posts:

hoops997 · 26/01/2012 13:12

Would you have preferred it if he didn't tell you? I personally don't have a problem about lap dancing clubs, I've been to them myself with groups of lads, the women know what they're doing and they don't have to do it, I got speaking to one of them and she enjoyed her job and it was good money.

I think you have to let it go, it was 10 years again!!

hoops997 · 26/01/2012 13:16

ago

sheeplikessleep · 26/01/2012 13:17

Hoops - speaking to 1 girl who was 'happy' doesn't mean they're all like that.

fotheringhay · 26/01/2012 13:18

Just so you feel you're actively doing something about it, maybe you could support some of the campaigns against new lap dancing clubs by signing petitions etc?

hoops997 · 26/01/2012 13:22

Yes sheep I know that, she said the girls were treated quite well and all the girls who worked with her were quite happy, this was spearmint rhinos though, so quite 'high class' I'm not speaking about the smaller, more seedier clubs

Original poster

molschambers · 26/01/2012 13:24

Yes fotheringhay that's a good idea actually.

OP posts:

fotheringhay · 26/01/2012 13:28

Cheers. I bet there's lots of info on the feminist boards or Fawcett society

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