Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Waiting for sunrise and a showdown

35 replies

LadyMedea · 26/01/2012 05:01

I have posted before but too sleep deprived to find the link. But briefly, thirty something, married 6, together 10, no kids, marriage unwound the last couple of years. DH switched off about a year ago... We are both equally responsible for the deterioration. Homestly we are. I've been sorting my stuff out, he's been in self destruct mode including having an affair with a colleague recently (definitely only a recent thing, please don't question that)

DH asked for a separation on 7th Jan, then back tracked and we've been yo-yoing ever since. I asked him to finally go and get counselling for him, which he'd been talking about for months, to tell his mum about the affair (she was far more useless than I imagined) and to stop all contact with the OW. They do work in the same team but at different sites so business contact and polite conversation are necessary but I said no lunches, no Facebook, no email and no texts. I've been trying to give him a little time to 'de-fog' as it were and he told his mum and is seeing a counsellor. He also told the OW that everything had to 'stop'.

Last night he told me that he is having lunch with the OW on Friday as he is at her site (where BTW I also work). I just looked at my hands, said 'that's not ok'... Then he started getting defensive including the chestnut of 'I can't just cut all contact with someone I've slept with'... Errr yes you can. I went upstairs and stayed out the way until I heard him go to bed.

So I've not slept and I'm waiting for 7am. I intend to wake him with a cup of tea and when he's come round tell him the truth - social contact with the OW is deeply disrespectful and hurtful to me. If he wishes to remain friends with someone he fucked, he can do it without a wife.

Please hold my hand...

OP posts:

Wretched · 26/01/2012 05:05

You are doing the right thing. Good luck. Do you love him? You sound fed up and over it to be honest.

Original poster

LadyMedea · 26/01/2012 05:11

Still love him. We've both cocked up big time, he had already moved into the spare room when affair started... Absolutely no excuse still though. But it's not the biggest thing we need to get past.

He has been my best friend for 10 years, we get on well but have had a couple of things - sex and my health - unravel us by not communicating properly.

But you are right.... I am reaching the end... I won't live with him like this.

OP posts:

Wretched · 26/01/2012 05:16

I totally understand. I am deeply in love with my husband but we fail to communicate, or rather I try and he doesn't want to. It leads to pockets of discontent in no many areas, sex life, planning for the future, issues with the children etc. I want to grab him and shout "talk to me!!!!" and just get it all sorted out. But it doesn't happen. Frustrating.

You are right to clearly raise the fact that your boundaries have been pushed to the limit. If he can't respect that fact, he doesn't care enough about saving your marriage I reckon. My ex ran off with someone at work too, so you have my sumpathies. I worked with both of them as well, which made for some interesting works Christmas parties !

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 26/01/2012 05:40

I think you are doing the right thing. You've reflected and you are not comfortable with it. I guess it's good tgat he told you, but there is nothing wrong in what you are saying. I would say the same, although probay without tge tea

ThompsonTwins · 26/01/2012 06:15

Holding out hand. Really feel for you.

curiousparent · 26/01/2012 06:36

I think you sound really brave Lady. Your post sounds as though you have really thought through this whole situation and all that has led you both to where you are and you come accross as very composed, despite this latest lack of respect for you. I wish you all the best as if he cannot see your point you definitely deserve better. x

rumcrumble · 26/01/2012 06:44

You are doing the right thing. The boundaries were set and he chose to break them. I'm sorry though, this is shit for you. Good luck.

springaroundthecorner · 26/01/2012 06:52

Oh dear OP. I feel for you. It does seem you are doing the right thing so very good luck this morning x

Charbon · 26/01/2012 08:41

I hope the conversation went well and of course you are right to insist on those boundaries.

If it got to the point of him asking for a separation, it sounds like his attachment to the OW felt quite strong to him at the time and possibly still is, so while in your view the affair is not the the biggest thing for you to get past, it is possibly bigger for your husband than it is for you.

I noticed you specifically asked posters not to query when the affair started and see in your later post that you say the affair started after he had moved into the spare room. It might be worth challenging yourself about why it is so important to you to believe the affair only started when the demarcation of separate rooms was in place. I say this not to question your take on the facts, but to question why it is so important to you?

You'll probably know that an affair this early in a marriage and especially in one without children, is more ominous than affairs later on, so I wondered whether this is his first infidelity?

Original poster

LadyMedea · 26/01/2012 10:12

charbonyou are right he is definitely emotionally attached. He had detached from the marriage and attached to her. That's why I've tried to give him a little time to adjust to the thought of no contact after he ended it. But he needs to know its my minimum. I was also at the point of asking for a separation to be fair as I'd had nearly a year of living with a grumpy sod unwilling to do anything constructive.

Whilst the physical affair definitely didn't start until well after he moved rooms. I was wary of the friendship in the couple of months before, but didn't feel able to set boundaries because things were already so bad. I just felt a little pressure in my previous thread that the affair must have started earlier, and that our problems were caused by it. That definitely is not the case. It's just made a ad situation worse.

He had a one night stand with an ex girlfriend before we got married, but this is his first proper emotional and physical affair. I know it's not great ths early on in a marriage but this is where we are.

I spoke to him calmly and kindly this morning. We sat on the bed in silence for 20mins and then I said I was going into work later as I needed a couple of hours sleep. We shall see what he says tonight... He always needs time to process.

OP posts:

Charbon · 26/01/2012 10:39

Strangely enough, I've just mentioned on another thread that affairs start in the head long before any actions are taken and so it's interesting that this started with a friendship that concerned you for some time before anything happened.

Two physical infidelities in 10 years is a lot to get past and suggests that he learnt no lessons last time and perhaps more painfully, that he shouldn't be in a monogamous relationship. Counselling for him would be a good idea but to be honest he sounds ambivalent and still attached to the other woman. Although it might seem counter-intuitive to you, being the understanding wife while he gets over his loss rarely succeeds as a long-term strategy, either for you, him or the marriage.

Did he really say nothing at all this morning?

Original poster

LadyMedea · 26/01/2012 12:10

Honestly didn't say a word.... one of our biggest problems is his ability to communicate, particularly when he is the one who has done something wrong. He just goes inside and self-flagellates for a while... which means he then doesn't feel entitled to ask for what he needs... which then leads to resentment... when then leads to stupidity and so it goes round again.

No I agree two incidents in 10 years is not good... ironically part of the problems that have driven us apart were related to side effects of the ONS, particularly in relation to our sex life.

He has got a lot to deal with in his head, and he'll have to significantly change his behaviour before I would feel comfortable committing to him again. I do think he is still partially caught up in the feelings for the OW, but I've given him as much time as I can cope with so I'm putting my boundaries firmly in place. If he can't respect them, then I can't live with him until he does.

OP posts:

cantgetlaidingermany · 26/01/2012 13:45

I don't blame you....he has done it twice now, it's not acceptable at all.
If he wants to end the marriage with you then he should, I think it is very cruel to you whatever problems you have had.

EirikurNoromaour · 26/01/2012 13:59

I have been in a similar situation recently. It fucking sucks.

Charbon · 26/01/2012 16:08

What was your relationship like before the ONS? If marital unhappiness caused this affair, was that the case then too? If not, what caused that infidelity?

The problem I think you've got more immediately is that you stated your boundaries and he broke them straight away. If you give him another chance to observe them, isn't there a danger that he will just not tell you next time he arranges to meet her, or communicates with her?

Perhaps think about what is stopping you ending this now and why you are giving him further chances to lie to you.

Original poster

LadyMedea · 26/01/2012 20:39

I've given him the choice - no contact with her or no contact with me. He has to make a decision tonight. I'm at the very end of my tether.

OP posts:

SirSugar · 26/01/2012 20:59

IMO you are going about this the wrong way, why give him choice - its an invitation for him to lie again.

Why stick with someone whos like this anyway, I wouldn't waste any time on a man these days unless he absolutely adored me. Life is short, don't waste time

AnyFucker · 27/01/2012 07:48

I am really not sure why you still think he is worth holding on to

Original poster

LadyMedea · 27/01/2012 08:30

Because he is worth holding on to. He's not a player, not a boozer, hard working and has stuck by me through serious illness and hell and high water. We both just lost track of our marriage a couple of years ago, but neither of us stood up and did something. He's at fault, but so am I. But I'm committed and he doesn't know what he wants - that doesn't make him a git. Lovely people do stupid things because they are flawed human beings. But I've set my boundaries, and so he's going to move out. He doesn't know why he still wants to see her, but he does and so I'm going to protect myself because clearly it is my limit.

I will not apologise for being committed to my marriage, it does not mean I'm a doormat. But I chose my husband very carefully, I'm not going to just give up now. But neither am I going to sacrifice my sanity.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/01/2012 08:43

What do you get out of this relationship now exactly?. If this man is the type of man that is worth holding onto then I would be asking you why that is. Why do you think he is worth it?. He may well have stuck by you through serious illness as well because he would have looked really bad if he had left you then. He does not want to be the villain of the piece here; if you were to end this then he would probably say, "well Lady Medea decided to end our marriage, oh poor me".

He is in the ideal position of having his cake and eating it too; he probably loves the fact that two women are now fighting over him. He's playing you both for fools.

Re this comment:-
" I've given him the choice - no contact with her or no contact with me. He has to make a decision tonight"

Did he make such a decision anyway and what if he chose her over you?. There's nothing really to stop him seeing her; you cannot be with him 24/7. If he has emotionally left the marriage then its really no point, you two should really not be together now.

LiarsWife · 27/01/2012 09:37

Attila looks like he's already decided to move out!

struwelpeter · 27/01/2012 10:00

Good that he is moving out. But please commit to you while he is away, not to thinking about rebuilding the marriage or where you think you went wrong. If or when you are ready to talk to each other then he needs to match his commitment to the marriage to yours. Good luck

ChickensGoMeh · 27/01/2012 10:06

I think you've acted with dignity and bravery, OP. It must have been very difficult to make that stand, knowing you might lose. For what its worth, I think you did the right thing. It doesn't matter how much you love him, if he isn't willing to meet you half way you'd just be setting yourself up for the same heartache but strung out over months. This way, you keep some control and self respect. When you falter (you will), remember that however much this hurts right now, hearts heal. Self respect and dignity are harder to come by x

Charbon · 27/01/2012 11:03

His choice of the OW over your marriage must have hurt LadyMedea and I'm sorry.

I can see that in your hurt you're feeling defensive but I think posters are trying to understand your rationalisations here, so that they can help you.

You've told us that he was unfaithful the first time within four years, significantly with an ex for whom there must have once been feelings, yet you seem keen to label that experience as devoid of emotion, as a contrast to the latest threat.

I wondered what had motivated that infidelity and whether it had a different cause to this one? Maybe it's worth having a think about why you haven't answered that? What is it about that you'd rather not confront?

'Not giving up' on your marriage also implies that you still think your own actions have the power to influence a desired outcome of a happy, faithful marriage. Why is that?

Do you think that you could have prevented his infidelities? If so, why is that?

lazarusb · 27/01/2012 17:20

I think he has given up on your marriage, regardless of what you want. He doesn't want to stop seeing OW. He is leaving now so he has carte blanche to act as he chooses. You sound very brave and dignified. Unfortunately your h doesn't seem to recognise what he had in you.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread