Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

why do some men react badly when wife is having a bad time

34 replies

FlopStar · 25/01/2012 16:19

Having a crap time lately. Death of a close relative and Unexpected PG and early termination all in the past few months.

DH went back to bed the morning I found out about the death. I organised the termination alone.

Over the weekend he decided to vanish as he couldn't cope with our teenage ds. He went to his mum and told her he didn't love me and sent a lot of nasty messages. He made himself uncontactable for all of Sunday and Monday, then sent a message saying he was coming back Monday night. I am ashamed to say that when he didn't come back and switched off his phone, I rang his mum's landline and ended up sobbing to her. She got him to come back but I am so ashamed at myself for been so week. I was hysterical. throwing up from stress or shock, I also hadn't slept for over 24 hours or eaten, I don't know. But ringing up his mum is not my normal behaviour.

He came back and said he didn't want to be with me but had no choice as I had forced him home.

He was nice last night but I think he wanted sex (he didn't get it). This morning he made threats to go again and then hugged me saying sorry.

His mum while been nice to me seems to think I need to make sure I am still up when he comes in from work and give him his dinner. I do cook but sometimes he tells me not to save him anything and he will grab something at work.

I feel like a silly weak person but I can't stand the thought of him leaving me.
I am in a mess and can't stop crying.

I can't get my head around the fact he can watch me be in such a bad place and decide that is his time to leave.

We have been together 15 years and I have supported him through loads I have also never run to a parent and told her a lot of private stuff about our relationship.
I feel like I am the topic of gossip now within his family.

I need him so much atm and he has decided he hates me and it is totally out of the blue nothing has happened for him to do this to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlopStar · 25/01/2012 16:20

That should be month, relative has been ill for months but died 3 weeks ago termination was this month too.

OP posts:
ithaka · 25/01/2012 16:25

So sorry you are having such an unhappy time.

For the record, I do not particularly think some men react badly when their wife is having a bad time. Your husband is behaving badly and his behaviour should not be normalised as 'something some men do'

Plainly, he is not going to support you - do you have anyone else you can turn to for support? When you feel stronger, you can tell him to get out.

solidgoldbrass · 25/01/2012 16:27

He's behaving like this because he is a man who thinks women are inferior and exist to look after men. You, by being unhappy and unwell, have stopped performing your service function properly therefore you are of no further use to him.

TooMuchInLove · 25/01/2012 16:27

I don't have any great advice but can't not post.
I am so sorry you are having such a cap time flopstar. he sounds like he's being a complete that to you and you don't deserve it.

the only thing i will say is please try and sleep and eat you need to keep your strength up.
there will be all the great regulars along in a minute (who despite me denying when they tried to help me) really know their stuff!

big hugs for you op xx

Punkatheart · 25/01/2012 16:28

So sorry about you are going through, Flop. Sadly, he sounds like a weak and cowardly man - running to mummy in these circumstances is deplorable.

My OH also cannot cope - with my lymphoma and the conflict from our teenage DD. He has also run to mummy. Apparently it is quite a common scenario. Crisis can make a couple stronger or show up a weakness. There should be someone there to hold you and tell you it will be OK. I can send the thoughts through cyber space, but do you have anyone you trust enough to talk to?

darleneconnor · 25/01/2012 16:29

Get the hell out of this relationship!

Thingumy · 25/01/2012 16:31

He sounds like a manchild and his mother should keep her beak out,he's an adult not a child who needs protecting.

YOU need the support and protecting from stresses at the moment and if he can't support you through this awful time,when will he?

I'm sorry for your losses OP.Sad

Original poster
FlopStar · 25/01/2012 16:38

Thankyou. I am usually quite a strong person but feel so low right now.
I talk to my dsis but don't want to tell her too much as it will cause conflict.
I am just so sad I just want a hug which I got from him in front of everyone at the funeral.
He was my childhood sweetheart it just hurts badly that he can watch me in great distress and just add to it. I would never do this to him.

OP posts:
TooMuchInLove · 25/01/2012 16:53

He obviously doesn't think of highly of you as he should. I would start planning your escape to be honest. He

TooMuchInLove · 25/01/2012 16:54

Is only going to drag you down further by acting like this and you dont know if he will snap.out of it or not!
sorry posted to early

struwelpeter · 25/01/2012 17:02

Don't worry about him or the relationship at the moment and definitely not about the future.
Take time to grieve, talk to you sis about that and if you can't talk about the termination with her or with anyone else in RL say you had a health problem or scare. Turn to anyone else in RL except for him at the moment.
When you are stronger you can see where you want to go from here with H. He is unable to cope with this for whatever reason, but there is no need for you to care a jot about him. Put yourself first here, it's not being selfish it simply what someone needs to do after a death and a loss.

BeattieBow · 25/01/2012 17:07

I can't help, but I can pinpoint the time my relationship with my H began to fail - it was when I had a particularly traumatic miscarriage and didn't bounce back from it at all well. In fact I was completely in a bad place for a year.

My h didn't support me at all, and in fact goes on about my behaviour from that time as the thing that ended the relationship. even now (and he has moved out now) he thinks that my behaviour was appalling and that I didn't support him enough with his work and other issues.

I'm sorry you're going through this -, maybe some men are used to their partners being the strong one, providing the support, and can't cope when the positions are reversed? That's what it feels like to me.

Original poster
FlopStar · 25/01/2012 17:51

Looks like I have a lot of thinking to do.
I have always had a feeling that he would always put himself before me or go off with someone if he had a better offer but I pushed the thoughts away.

Thankyou all.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlopStar · 25/01/2012 17:53

Just read my OP back! Sorry for the terrible typos.

OP posts:
MerryHippo · 25/01/2012 17:54

I really feel for you. His behaviour is appallingly childish.

solidgoldbrass · 25/01/2012 17:56

Unfortunately, a lot of men (not all, but a lot) are completely incapable of putting their partners first. They just cannot comprehend the idea that a wife/girlfriend is a human being who sometimes has needs that must be taken care of: as far as they are concerned, a female partner only really exists in relation to the man. Men like this aren't necessarily chestbeating sexist pigs in an obvious fashion, they are quite happy for their partners to work, see friends, dress how they please etc - but such a man will never ever put himself out or inconvenience himself or sacrifice any of his comforts because his wife or girlfriend needs support or extra money or extra time. Because they believe, and cannot be disabused of the idea, that men matter and women don't.

Becaroooo · 25/01/2012 17:57

What, exactly, are you getting out of this "relationship"???

Ephiny · 25/01/2012 18:04

You're not a silly weak person. He, however, is.

He should be absolutely ashamed of himself - he should be supporting you in the loss of your relative, and the pregnancy and termination should be something the two of you are in together, he should be there for you every step of the way with that.

He sounds like a child not a grown man - disappearing when things get difficult running to his mum, sending nasty texts Hmm.

You deserve better than this.

sternface · 25/01/2012 18:12

I have genuinely never known men to behave like this unless they are having an affair.

OriginalJamie · 25/01/2012 18:17

Yes, he is weak. He cannot step up when you need support, or he simply cannot cope with not being the centre of attention.

I really feel for you. How horrible to discover this when the chips are as down as they are right now.

AnyFucker · 25/01/2012 18:20

Your husband is an absolute arsehole

Really, what can you still find to love about him ?

I would second that he is transferring his affections elsewhere

Absolutely classic behaviour

Demonise the wife to justify it to himself

Adultery is one thing (if he is) but he is simply being cruel to you

Please, find your self respect and tell him to fuck off if he thinks so little of you

Stop crying to his mother, send him back there and show this inadequate fucker you don't need a childish prick like him in your life

OriginalJamie · 25/01/2012 18:22

Oh, and don't accept the crock of shit his mum is giving you to justify his behaviour. She brought him up!

You should not feel ashamed for losing your cool.

I hope you can get some RL support not beat yourself up for needing it.

AnyFucker · 25/01/2012 18:24

Forgive me if this is a painful question, but whose idea was the termination ?

forehead · 25/01/2012 18:28

He is probably interested in someone else. Someone who is probably less 'needy'. He is an arse and totally disloyal. If you are prepared to put up with this behaviour then that is your choice.

sternface · 25/01/2012 18:47

Yes it's typical affair behaviour, but IME, the nastier the behaviour during the affair, the nastier the man was to start with. Although the OW is doing you a favour getting him off your hands (and at some stage he will do the same to her) in every situation I've known, it's helped the woman to find out about an affair, because when someone is being this cruel for such a long time, it can have the effect of you thinking "Is this me? Do I deserve to be treated like shit?" whereas if you get proof of an affair, it stops you blaming yourself.