How often do you see your MIL?

[Susemyoli]

Might be a cultural background issue. I see mine usually once a week for the past 14 years of marriage. But after my DD was born she turns up at my place 3 to 5 times a week. I am going mad

Attilathemeerkat, her husband is still alive. They divorced before my DD1 was born. That is probably why she got so obsessed with her grandchildren. The kids love her because they get plenty of attention. That is another problem I have. Their upbringing. Whenever we tell them off and make them sit in their naughty corner she intervenes and kids continue to display an even worse tantrum. Occassionally she joined them in the naughty corner, sits next to them and talk to them. We have repetitively told her not to do so, but she seems to forget it occasionally.
Elly31, we had several holidays with her, every single time I swear never again. But seriously, after the last one, I endured 3 weeks with her, I'll make sure we do not go on holiday with her ever again. I felt sorry for her living alone and also she used to look after my kids when I work.
Having said that, she agreed on looking after the kids 2 days a week when I go back to work in September, but lately she is hinting here and there that she won't. 2 daus ago as we went over for chinese new year she said she was going on holiday. And I was "YEEEEEESSSS! Time off!", then she told us she will be going in September. Arghhh! I bet she is doing it to get back at us for telling her to give us space!

1. Ask her for the key back. She shouldn't have a key because it's your home, not hers.

1. Tell her to phone before she comes round as you don't like her coming in unexpectedly (ask if it would bother her if she caught you and her son in an intimate moment!)

1. Set regular visiting times that suit you, your DH, your MIL as well as fitting into the children's routines.

My MIL used to drop in unannounced when DC were small, although she never had a key. I found she was very willing to compromise when I asked for regular visiting times as I explained it was better for her if we were all awake when she arrived.

If that doesn't work, give her a shopping list and send her to the supermarket or give her a pile of ironing or other chores to do!

In that case it's easy "Oh MIL I thought you were going to be our childminder 2 days a week, but I need a childminder from September. In that case you go on holiday and I'll arrange for a childminder so you don't have to be bothered".
If you intend using her as a free childminder then I have little sympathy for you though. you can't have it all your own way.
The naughty step thing would irritate me enough that I would be banning her from my house if she ever undermined me like that again. I wouldn't tell her that in front of the kids but once they were in bed she would be told clearly that she was being unreasonable and undermining. If you dislike her childrearing methods that much though I'm surprised you want her mothering your children 2 days a week. she's either a fit mother substitute or she isn't.

I agree with 2rebecca - you can't set boundaries then use her as free childcare. That simply won't work and will make your current situation much worse.

You really really really need to sort out alternative childcare. You can't tell her she can't visit and then expect her to look after them for free. You don't need to give her a reason either, you're allowed to change your mind (if you're lucky she'll go off in a huff ).

You say you let her in because "it would be rude not to".

1. It isn't rude, not at all. This is your home. You answer the door, stand there chatting politely for 2 minutes and then say "I'm not inviting you in, as now isn't a good time.". That isn't rude, really it isn't.

2. It is very rude to turn up unnanounced at someone else's house and expect to stay 3 hours, and do this every other day, even when they've asked you not to do it. That is very very rude indeed, and incredibly selfish.

Her behaviour is not normal, you are not being difficult, and your MIL doesn't have the right to "care for her grandchildren" like this. Seriously, when you're a MIL, would you expect to spend 15 hours a week at your DIL's house? Would you invade her home 5 times a week for 3 hours, even when she'd asked you not to?

You need to tell her how often you want her to visit. When she complains that you are preventing her from seeing her gcs, point out that if she goes on the way she is now, you and dh will end up not wanting to see her at all, and then she won't get to see her gcs at all.

To those who have a lovely MIL, lucky you!
Mumatron! OMG, feel so sorry for you! Guess I shouldn't complain too much.
2rebecca we have been assertive, but then she throws her usual tear display and then what do we do?
2 years ago after my DD2 was born we decided to give her a ticket for a long 3 months holiday to meet relatives. We can't do the same because this time money is tight and I am not sure if I will still have my job with the latest redundancies wave in my company. On top of that we can't trust her mood swings about looking after the kids while I am at work. We don't know if she still wants to look after them or not. She said ues, but then she keeps hinting otherwise. Never mind this, as our kids is our problem. Anyway, going back to the main issue. After my 2nd kid, she came back from her holiday while I was still on maternity leave. As she came back she demanded to have the kids back to her for her to look after. I didn't see the point since I was still on maternity and wanted them home for another month till the eldest one was going to school in September. We were looking for a house (this also answers the question why we don't move further away). Meanwhile she started to complain she couldn't sleep for days. She kept going to the doctor EVERY DAY for a reason or another. Finally she managed to get antidepressants, which she was mixing with chinese medicine and some other drugs for her stomach. The worst was to come. The pills made her unable to move all her mucles and unable to speak. She was like a dead walking zombie. We had to feed her, wash her and change her clothes. Me and my husband spent almost 2 months looking after her. After work, I would go to her place and cook dinner and we would stay till late night, my husband was staying over to look after her all night. Her symptoms got worse until she fell like into a coma. Got her to hospital. After 2 days she recovered and went back to normal. After that incident she mellowed down and seemed a completely different person. But only 2-3 months after that she went back to her normal self again. The hospital carried put all sort of tests, even in the MRI scan, months later, nothing. The fact is, now my husband is not keen on being too assertive with her just in case she goes off and takes pills again. It's quite a difficult situation and we don't want to be responsible if anything else happens.

Haven't seen mine for 3 or 4 years.

2rebecca and mouldyironingboard* when I had my first child I was planning to be a stay at home mum. After 8 months I had enough of having her at my place all the time so I had 2 choices. One, taking a long holiday with DD1 to visit my dad. Two, go back to work so I didn't have to see her everyday and she would have my kid. I didn't take the holiday because I felt sorry for my DH not being able to see his daughter, so I opted for option 2. She is obsessed with her grandchildren so looking after them is what she wants. We don't use as free childminder as we do pay holidays and give her spending money for it. We buy whatever she needs occassionally and she does get the odd free shopping from us. If she needs anything from the market we buy it and don't charge her. Nothing is for free.

Giving her my kids to look after wasn't exactly my free choice. I felt forced into doing so to get my breathing space back. Who wouldn't want to stay at home to look after their own children if you don't really need to work? But now she is telling us she is taking a holiday in September when I am due to go back to work, so problem solved. But I hope it's not another joke again.

You forgot option 3. Tell her firmly that you do not want her visiting all the time as you find it restricting and oppressive. Why are you so convinced that her desire to visit you is more important than your desire not to play hostess constantly?
Grow a backbone and be firm.
If you choose not to take this option fair enough, but it is there and is the option most women would take. Your life and your children are not there to pander to someone elses obsession.
Get some hobbies that keep you out of the house a bit as well.
There was also option 4. Go back to work and pay for childcare.
If you choose to have her as childminder then fair enough, but be aware that it is your choice and if you have chosen her to be a parent substitute 2 days a week you can't then complain about how awful her parenting is and how you dislike her being around, particularly if you have no intention of forcefully telling her not to come round and refusing to let her in.
There is also option 5. Move far enough away that popping round is inconvenient and she has to phone to check you are in.

Why are you letting her make all the decisions?

She throws a tear display and then what do you do?

You let her. She cries tears not blood.

"I'm sorry you're upset, but this is the arrangement. It is more than reasonable."

How often do you see your own mother by the way? Perhaps you could point out to her the frequency of those visits?

But I agree that you really need to find alternative childcare. If for no other reason than to remove the possibility of her holding it over you, or letting you down at the last minute as a 'punishment'.

You can take control. You don't HAVE to open the door, even if she can see you right there. You don't HAVE to back down when she uses tears to try to manipulate you.

I agree with JusthHecate. Whether or not she cries when you tell her how often you want her visiting is irrelevent. Some people cry at the drop of a hat. That shouldn't mean they get things their own way. Crying doesn't make your viewpoint more valid than that of someone who can discuss things without crying. I view crying in adults as a form of emotional blackmail though if used frequently so would be more likely to stickto my plan if someone cried when they didn't get their own way, not less. Toddlers don't get their own way just because they cry, why should adults.
Your children shouldn't be her hobby. She needs to get some hobbies and friends so she isn't dependant on your family to entertain her all the time. As the kids get older they will want to do their own thing anyway.
You can't stop her taking pills if she doesn't get her own way but that is her choice not yours. She sounds very manipulative and a bit hysterical if after 2 days in hospital she was fine but she had you running in circles after her for 2 months.
She sounds too unstable to be a childminder anyway. If she starts getting hysterical tell her that behaviour makes you less likely to leave your children with her not more.
If your husband gives in to her every whim it is difficult though as you need to decide together how to approach this.
Your childrens needs should come before her wants though. She does not sound like a suitable woman to leave alone with children. Social services would be unlikely to licence her to have anyone elses kids so why should she have yours?

I didn't mean but I agree btw. I meant AND I agree. Sorry.

About every three weeks or so BUT she is talking about MOVING to the same area we live in which sifreaking me out completely. I moved up from London last year to get married and we're now expecting our first baby in August. Both sets of parents live within an hour's drive, so not far, but she's dead set now on moving down here to be nearer the grandchild. I'm dreading it, as worry about exactly what the OP has said. She's a lovely lady for most of the time, but is very high maintenance and has to be in the centre of everything and can be very hard work. I saw another side to her earlier this year and was shocked. I would be GUTTED if she moved near, as I'm very independant, as is DH, so not sure how to handle it all IF it actually goes ahead. It's such a difficult diplomatic situation, isn't it, the old MIL thing. Sigh.

Good luck Susemyoli. Stand your ground (nicely if possible!) and get your DH to help.

I've met mine 3 times in 8 years of marriage, 10 years together.

once a month-6 weeks ish
dh rings her every sunday

OP, also meant to say that you're not at all being unreasonable. It seems as though you're almost being blackmailed into the situation which can't be good for you or your children. I'm really sorry that you're going thorugh this, as it must be so hard.

JustHecate, 2rebecca thank you. It's good to hear options and solutions other than my family or my husband's family. My mum doesn't visit, she died for cancer when I was 18 so in that case my husband doesn't have the same problem. However, my brother is coming back from Uni twice a year and this year will be his last. I have told him that he needs to get a job. I don't think he likes living here anyway since I am quite bossy with him so he tries to stay away as much as he can. I need to get him sorted out of the house first. I urged him to get ANY job so he can get out and I can start sorting out my MIL. I can't just tell my MIL to stay away while I keep my own brother in my house. It wouldn't be fair to my husband.

Oh, I am so sorry to hear that.

MrsMigginslovespies awww, so sorry to hear about your MIL plans. But it does cost money to move so maybe this will deter her from taking action. My MIL at first seems very caring, but when you get to know her you get kind of suffocated by her love. She still buys undewear and clothes for my husband. Every time she drops by she will bring something. Usually something we don't need.
Last winter she bought - all at different times - 4 winter hats for DD1.
Last sunday she came over and told my husband she would cook some chinese sweets for a female collegue of my husband! If you're the female collegue, you might think "oh that's really nice". If you're a daughter in law, well no, I think it's over the top.

The issues about your brother staying and your MiL is nonsense. They have nothing to do with one another.
If she looks after your children you are in a difficult position because there is no way that she will follow your rules.

Find different childcare and set some ground rules.

Or put up with it.

I have been with my DH for 11 years and have one child together. I have never met the MiL (she is alive).

I totally understand mine will call in at least 3 times a week and husband phones or texts everyday. She lives 10 mins away unfortunate flat purchase in hindsight my first child is due in 8 weeks and am dreading how often she will be here and when Dh goes back to work. I have subtly mentioned this to Dh but not really sinking in!!