How often do you see your MIL?

[Susemyoli]

Might be a cultural background issue. I see mine usually once a week for the past 14 years of marriage. But after my DD was born she turns up at my place 3 to 5 times a week. I am going mad

Hi Attilathemeerkat,

Here's the answer to your questions:
Yes, he is aware of her behaviour. Whenever she comes, I'd skype him so to make him know how often she is here. He told her there's no need to come that often, but she does not listen. He even asked me to to tell her. I do let her in when she arrives. It would be rude not to. Even though I don't want to. There's no escape anyway, from the entrance door you can see the kitchen and the family room. No way to run away. She stays nowdays for 2-3 hours. It used to be almost all day. Her reason for visiting so often is to meet her grandchildren. She complains that she is denied access to her grandchildren because we told her to limit her visits. Access to them for her means 7 days a week. I have a SIL and she leaves in New York. She comes home once a year.
When my first daughter was born and my MIL ws coming everyday for the first 2 weeks, she told my husband to tell their mum not to or we were not going to get our life back. The worst of that time was that we gave her our house key, so she would come over 5 am, as soon as she heard our daughter crying she would sneak into our room take my baby away and go downstairs. The thing is she would hold our DD to sleep and would never put her down into the crib. But it's a long story, I could compalin endlessly.
I just wanted to know if this is normal and if I was too difficult. My auntie tells me off and says my MIL is caring for her grandchildren. But I am pretty sure she says so because she doesn't want to fuel a fight between me and my MIL or between me and my hubby.
So far she had seen her grandchildren on Monday (I dropped one off to go to London and visit my office), Thursday, Sunday (she came for my hubby's birthday), Monday again for chinese new year. So she does have access to her grandchildren.

your husband needs to step up and tell her to back off and only come whe she's invited

I see mine about 3 times a year but it's always for a long weekend, she lives 6 hours away

I see my mum the same amount, she lives 3 hours away

You realise you're the MILs of the future?

She came in at 5 a.m ??? That alone would have made me take the key off her and restrict visits to a maximum of once a week. That is way overstepping the boundaries.

I used to see my own PILs far more frequently until ds2's last birthday, when MIL tried demanding something I wasn't prepared to give on and she tried to use emotional blackmail on me- but I told DH that I wasn't going to put up with that kind of shite and he had to tell her. He did, there were tears (on her part) and then it was swept under the carpet wth a kind of 'We forgive you Shodan' air to it. Since then she has undermined me with ds2 (not often, but enough) and tried to 'stake her claim' more and more.

Consequently I am less inclined to see her, but still want ds2 to continue his good relationship with them so have started sending him with DH or just sticking with the once-a-week arrangement where they take ds2 out for a morning.

Could you implement something like that? Or just keep your door locked on the inside and be 'busy' for a while till it calms down?

Could you move further away? Drastic, but that's what my parents did. We see PIL about every 2 months (they live about 3 hours away) and I usually invite them as the don't want to impose (but probably do want to see DD).

I was thinking the same Truculent again. I am already a MIL and have 5 sons so will get plenty of practise. I'm sure at sure at least one of them will treat me like a dog who needs training.

My in-laws live about 40 mins away, they come over every 3 months or so. We used to live just round the corner from my mum but moved about 18 months ago, and are now about a 5-10 min drive. They used to come over every Sunday, this kind of just happened, we weren't asked and I have now asked if they can come over every other Sunday.

We were just finding it too much, not that we lead very exciting lives but weekends is when I catch up on housework sometimes it just wasn't convenient

This is not normal at all on the part of the MIL. Is her husband still alive?. .

Your H needs to talk to her again and this time be far more firm. He may well be afraid of her even now and still want her approval hence him not being able to fully stand up to her.

Do not let MIL in at all if she is like this; normal rules here do not and no longer apply as she is not acting within the "normal" rules of familial relations. This is at heart about power and control.

She should not have your house key either; this needs to be returned if it has not already been done.

Both of you need to present a united front here with regards to his mother as she is trampling on you both and will likely disregard any boundaries you care to set. You need boundaries though, you must have these in place.

You need to be clear on what you will and will not accept from her (like a 5.00am arrival for instance!). This is not normal behaviour and sounds like she wants to take over your child. However, she is not the parent and you as parents have the final say. She will continue to do this and up her behaviours even more if allowed to.

Mine comes to 'help' once a week. She drives me nuts with her Telegraph inspired anti feminist stance and unrealistic expectations of me and the kids but they love her so I stick it.

BUT

She and my FIL have invited themselves on holiday with us this summer for the third year running. Last time I ended up cooking and clearing for 8 every night for a week. AAAGGGGGGHHHHH

Truckukent - yes and as such I won't be turning up unannounced
I will never invite myself over

Every day. She's living with us for 6 months while my wife goes back to work. She is lovely though, so that helps. And she can't insult me too often because of the language barrier ;)

I have been with DH for seven years and met my MIL three, possibly four times. I think it's three.
It's for the best really.

Mil is dead she lived 2 streets away was a toxic bitch who destoyed DH's childhood. We cut ties after she started treating DD2 the way she treated DH poor girl nearly had a breakdown at 13 smil lives 450 miles away we see her and fil at least twice a year they are wonderful people

My MIL came in at 5 am once too. She was on her way home and she came and made soup for us and then left (we were all ill). She has far too good a social life to spend very much time with us but she does come over with food quite a lot.

I see my MIL about once a month, and DS1 and DIL (as I am a MIL it seems relevant) probably once every 2 months.

That is a crazy amount of visiting and as it is affecting your quality of life to this extent I think you need to stop worrying about seeming rude. She is being very rude herself. Your DH needs to sit her down and say once a week or whatever you can cope with. And then just change your locks.

Every day! She is lovely btw.

couple of times a month. She lives 60 miles away and it's almost always us going to see her. I dont mind, as she finds the drive a bit much and is scared of getting lost. She's 78 and she's lovely.

Every sodding day.

She lives next door.

twice in the 13 years I've been married to her son. (she lives in Kenya)

It's a shame though. She's lovely.

14 years.

no. it is 13.

yes. 13

Never seen mine more than once a month but have never lived within 10 miles of them and only had 13 weeks mat leave with kids, am out alot at weekend and am not the sort of person you "pop in"on as I'd be out, unless it's an evening and then I wouln't want anyone just turning up. My elderly relatives always lived at least 2 hours away so I've never felt obliged to constantly have relatives visiting and visit them. Some extended families enjoy living in each others laps.
Sounds like you need to ask her to arrange times to meet up as you need more time to yourself. I agree she is being rude by coming round that often uninvited so you need to be rude back to get your life back. You haven't become solely a minor player in her life just because you are the mother of her grandchild, you are still entitled to your own life.

I think basically there is no 'correct' frequency for spending time with any relative, whether it's your mother or MiL or anyone else.

If you feel she is coming round too often, then she is - specially if she is uninvited. Talk to your DH and put up a united front.

I think you will have to be blunt and tell her that yes you are limiting her access to her grandchildren but that that is because they are your children and you are still entitled to live your life and you don't want to constantly have her visiting and that if she doesn't give you more space in the long term it will damage her relationship with you and she has to start seeing you as a person with her own life to get on with, not just a woman who gets in the way of her seeing her grandchildren.
I had my kids in my 30s though so was fairly assertive and good at telling other older relatives how it was going to be and not taking any crap by then. I can imagine if you are young and not used to working and being independant it may be harder to tell other people that they do things your way or not at all.
It is your house, they are your kids, you do hold all the cards.