Is it me or is it him?

[heissobloodyhardwork]

Not an AIBU I'm shaking and feeling really uneasy so please be kind. Regular. Namechanged.

My ex has just come on the phone to see if I'll have the girls for him on his access night (Thursday) this week as he has "something on" that he forgot about.

Now, god forbid that I would ask what the actual fuck it is.

However, I digress.

Of course I'll have them, no problem, I'll pick them up from school.

Now in order that he still can tick a box in his head to say he had them on his night (and they have school the next day) he wants to pick them up from here at 9 - 9.30 and take them to his for them to sleep over and go to school from there in the morning.

I said no.

He said, and I quote, that I run after them babying them and wiping their arses for them and they need to learn to be more grown up and that won't happen since I am over protective and don't enable them to be indepedent

WTF???

I'm doing HIM the favour (not really it's no hassle but you know) but beccause I'm not doing exactly what he wants he iinsults me.

I told him the conversation was pointless since he was just insulting me and he said he hadn't insulted me and I am far too sensitive.

I said just keep it factual and lets not fling personal insults around, you want me to pick them up from school on Thursday and have them then I'm having them overnight, I'm not going to sit around waiting for you to turn up at silly o'clock.

Apparently I'm denying him his rights and his access to his children. I said no, it's your choice, you're asking me the favour, I'll certainly have them but only over night. Does that suit you or not.

Grudging yes that's fine.

Is it me? Am I being unfair? Because now I'm off the phone I don't know if I did the right thing.

Of course you did!!!

I don't know what age your DC are but shipping kids around between houses at 9-9:30pm is just foolish unless they are 13 +.

And if they're 13+ can they not just stay in his house for an hour or two?

In other words

YOU ARE RIGHT HE IS WRONG.

(I'm assuming that hs is shocked that you are not sat by the phone/door waiting for him to bless you with a call/visit?? Fool, him not you)

Well done you! Big shiny star for not being browbeaten by your ex into having it all his way. Of course he wasn't going to be happy about it, and had to stoop to throwing insults - but IMO you were / are absolutely right.

No he is a twat and thats why he's an ex .

They are 13 and 10 so the older one could stay but not the younger. He won't be back until 9 - 9.30 which means anytime around 10

The younger one has to be taken to his house after school, the older one can get a bus. So even if I was leaving them, they'd be left from 3.30 til 9.30-ish which is 6 hours and they'd have to get their own meal.

It's daft when they can be here I've nothing else on (saddo alert lol) but I'm not going to hand them over at 9.30-10 for the sake of him having "his" night.

Thank you !

How old are the children?
Seems a bit pointless to pick them up at 9pm, but (I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt) maybe he just wants to see them, even if it is for a little while? My DP was always happy when his kids were here - even if they were asleep - he just liked to feel that they were in his house with him.

He shouldn't be calling you too sensitive when he's been unpleasant and rude t you.

Equally (and not knowing the history of what he is like, or where he lives etc) it's not that unreasonable to pick them up between 9 and 10, so I can see why he's annoyed. It's irregular and you probably wouldn't want it to become the norm but it's not the owrst thing in the world.

Hours alone, no thats not fair on them and if you give in a late night for not a lot

9:30 arrive back at his at the earliest, if all goes to time
25-30 minutes faffing around, so bed at 10+
Maybe I?m very old fashioned but that?s too late on a school night
And what are the DC getting from it? It?s not as if they?ll be actually spending any time with him.

Arse to that

Ey yeah but there's a whole history. It's not likely to be 9, it might be 10, or I could keep them up waiting for him and eventually get a call at 11 to say he's been held up and sorry but can they stay at mine.

Also, the younger one goes to bed at 8.30 and she's one who likes her bed, so she'd be hard to keep away past 9-ish and he knows this.

Smells - xposts. Exactly.

Have I mised something or can you not just change it to Friday or have a 'day in lieu'. This sounds overly complicated. He can't make it, change the day. Simple.

Can't change it this weekend it's DD's birthday and there's a sleepover here on Friday night.

Anyway, it's not a hassle at all for me to have them, and if he organised something for his night with the kids, how is it my fault?

Feel your pain, HISBHW - if he has a history of messing around (as does my equally charming ex) - even more reason to stick with your proposal - which is perfectly fair & reasonable and at the end of the day YOU ARE STILL DOING HIM A FAVOUR!!!!!!!!

Not unreasonable to 'pick them up between 9 and 10' Eyjafjallajokull?

Given that the dc are 13 and 10, IMO it's entirely unreasonable for their df to pick them up between 9 and 10 and take them to his his home on a school night as they most probably won't be in bed until 11pm at the earliest.

While this might not be 'the worst thing in the world' in an emergency situation, it so happens that there's no need for the dcs' routine to be disrupted as the OP has very reasonably agreed to let her ex forego his regular access night so that he can go out for the evening.

I would hazard a guess that if the OP had agreed to her ex's half-baked plan, he'd call c9.30pm to he was 'unavoidably detained' and wouldn't be able to collect them/have them stay over.

Your name says it all, OP - fwiw, exes can be bloody hard work and, on this occasion, you've got nothing whatsoever to reproach yourself with.

Thanks to all of you.

The problem is he is chronically late. So the chances of him turning up at 9 are slim.

Plus if he wanted to see them then why did he organise something on his night?

could you not wait at his with them until he gets home, if he is so keen for them to stay

Unresonable - no. We don't have that kind of relationship.

Plus, I have to feed them so I'd have to be at mine to do that. And its a 15 mile round trip to his.

Why should I when he's asking me the favour?

it is him

Why didn't it occur to him to just swap nights? It's not even as if he'll see much of them at that time.

It is him

It's him and i can't even really see why he'd want to do it tbh.

Some ex's just can't help themselves. 7 years down the line and mine regularly acts in an outrageously unreasonable way despite some of things i've done for her that i didn't have to. Some people just can't help themselves.

I didn't say it was your fault - sorry if that's the way it came across. I just don't understand why you can't change the day as a one off.

I don't know - he doesn't like changing days he finds it better to have set days. Which in general I agree with.

But he knows that's his night it's set up like that to suit him it's the night he wanted so why organise something on it?

And then if he's asking me the favour, obviously I must do as I'm told and do everything exactly in the way that he has decided?

Spendit sorry I'm a bit wound up, I didn't mean to sound like I was having a go at you

I meant it was HIM who was saying it was my fault iyswim? I was depriving him of his evening with his kids - well emmm no, you decided to go out you dick