Is it me or is it him?

[heissobloodyhardwork]

Not an AIBU I'm shaking and feeling really uneasy so please be kind. Regular. Namechanged.

My ex has just come on the phone to see if I'll have the girls for him on his access night (Thursday) this week as he has "something on" that he forgot about.

Now, god forbid that I would ask what the actual fuck it is.

However, I digress.

Of course I'll have them, no problem, I'll pick them up from school.

Now in order that he still can tick a box in his head to say he had them on his night (and they have school the next day) he wants to pick them up from here at 9 - 9.30 and take them to his for them to sleep over and go to school from there in the morning.

I said no.

He said, and I quote, that I run after them babying them and wiping their arses for them and they need to learn to be more grown up and that won't happen since I am over protective and don't enable them to be indepedent

WTF???

I'm doing HIM the favour (not really it's no hassle but you know) but beccause I'm not doing exactly what he wants he iinsults me.

I told him the conversation was pointless since he was just insulting me and he said he hadn't insulted me and I am far too sensitive.

I said just keep it factual and lets not fling personal insults around, you want me to pick them up from school on Thursday and have them then I'm having them overnight, I'm not going to sit around waiting for you to turn up at silly o'clock.

Apparently I'm denying him his rights and his access to his children. I said no, it's your choice, you're asking me the favour, I'll certainly have them but only over night. Does that suit you or not.

Grudging yes that's fine.

Is it me? Am I being unfair? Because now I'm off the phone I don't know if I did the right thing.

This is all about power and control; he still wants that over you.

Is contact formalised legally?. I would go down this route if your ex continues to play silly buggers. He is only thinking of himself here and not his children.

Attila - it feels like it's about control, and yet at the same time I come off the phone doubting myself and knowing that he'll tell people that I wouldn't let him see his kids aren't I so unreasonable.

I find him really very difficult to deal with.

And he is always always always saying that it's me that is in the wrong, it's never him, he's so fair and so reasonable and unless you know the full story and get the nuances it seems like he's fair but he's not really.

I'm not making sense am I?

Contact has always been split between us and there's a loose agreement that we will share and he will have one night in the week and every other weekend.

It's him op, and let him know when you speak next that if he starts to insult you or cause agro for no reason you will just put the phone down on him, you will not continue phoning him, and everything will have to go through text or email so you have proof of his condesending twaddle.
He isn't allowed to speak to you like this at all, don't put up with it.

Oh I get it. No you can't be doing half a contact time - it should surely be the whole period agreed or not at all.

If he's trying to make you seem inflexible, turn it around and offer a different night - with limits etc, so he doesn't try to make a habit of it. In many ways that gets you to keep the upper hand

Maybe suggest to him that as your babysitting (for want of a better word) capabilities (overnight required) don't suit, perhaps he would either like to arrange his own childcare for the night (heaven knows you would) OR re-arrange the alternative plans he has made.

His night for contact so his problem. You are well within your rights to say you will have the DCs but overnight.

Like that's what I did say - look, you've asked me to pick them up and keep them til late evening, I don't want to do that but I will keep them overnight. Does that suit?

I just hate that I come off the phone and feel ick and feel like I've been unfair, and yet I've agreed to have them, just not exactly how he wants it to be.

I do try to keep to email and text a lot of the time so I do have a record, but he likes to phone

You are making perfect sense to us

it's him who is still yanking your chain

Some people do this because they can

it's an interesting little diversion for them, and fuck everyone else..

Before opening this thread, my immediate thought was 'It'll be him'

Upon having read the OP, my thought remains the same. If I say 'Parents Evening' am I thinking about the same person and that you've namechanged, or am I wrong? (apologies if I am incorrect!)

Not me! You mean there's another one??

Can't the nights be swapped? What about Wednesday?

In that case, yes, there's at least one poster on here with a EXP that sounds much like yours. I can't remember her name.

It's shocking how alike some of these wankers can be. My eyes have been opened!

You did the right thing because collecting the kids at 9pm is not in their interests with school the next day.

Have you offered him a different night instead? Not that you are obligated to, but to oil the wheels and keep up the relationship for the children's sake?

yanbu here, it's daft. I am all for equal parenting etc but he has plans and it doesn't tie in with the dc school night routine and bed times. I would suggest a change of night or they just miss that one evening. What if you had plans? You wouldn't be able to just opt out of having them and would have to arrange childcare etc...

I know! I didn't ask him about Wednesday but I'd assume he has plans. Funny that.

The fact that he can not speak to you appropriatly means that just because he 'likes' to phone you doesn't mean you have to answer does it?
I wouldn't be picking up the phone to him from now on, and i would let him know why, how dare the fucker tell you that he isn't offensive or rude, it is you being too sensitive.
Arsewipe.

It is him.

My ex used to do this regularly - the only reason he wanted to keep to 'I can't have them then but I'll have them then instead' was to keep his 'discount' from the CSA. Mind you, he's never paid a penny in four years so god knows why he bothered....

Anyway, it ended up with me finally two years later setting the weekends in stone and if he couldn't make it - tough. Don't arrange stuff to do on your weekend, or arrange childcare. So now he does stick to it (apart from once) - again to keep on the right side of the CSA. And still, god knows why cos he still isn't paying....

unreasonableannie "could you not wait at his with them until he gets home, if he is so keen for them to stay"
Seriously?! Why the HELL should she?

*It is him.

My ex used to do this regularly - the only reason he wanted to keep to 'I can't have them then but I'll have them then instead' was to keep his 'discount' from the CSA. Mind you, he's never paid a penny in four years so god knows why he bothered....

Anyway, it ended up with me finally two years later setting the weekends in stone and if he couldn't make it - tough. Don't arrange stuff to do on your weekend, or arrange childcare. So now he does stick to it (apart from once) - again to keep on the right side of the CSA. And still, god knows why cos he still isn't paying....*

Then he has a very,very big bill coming eventually...

If he didn't pay CSA it wouldn't have made any difference if he didn't have them any nights or seven nights a week.

Knob.

I'm assuming the idiot would bleat to the CSA 'but I had them 26 weekends a year......'

Sparks1, his bill isn't is big as it should be and the CSA are notorious for not getting their man, but that's a whole different thread. Sorry OP

Is big? As big

something

Without meaning to hijack the thread. There are ways of escalating your case. Yes they are notoriously bad but don't let him off the hook. There are organisations that come help if you need it.