I need to confront him about this....

[wtfisgoingon]

Married 6 years, 2 dds 4 and 2
well, I knew something wasn't right following his return from a work trip in december. Very cold towards me throughout the whole month including christmas.
He had been taking his phone to the toilet and on one occasion left it in there. I had a look. Nothing in tests or calls untowards, but work emails are forwarded to it. Nothing in in-box, clicked on deleted items and saw n email from a woman, got the name but it was updating and disappeared.
Asked him a couple of days later if he was having an affair. He got very angry and said no, and that he had decided to put no effort into the relationship as he didn't think I was, then got verbally aggressive about state of house (bloody untrue as had loads of visitors throughout the month and had run myself ragged).
He came back early from work the following week and logged in to work remotely on our pc. When he went to make a coffee I had a look at his in-box and searched using the woman's name.
Lots of emails came up starting the day after his work trip:
Him: Hi did you get home ok?
Her: Yes, thankyou for the taxi fare
Him: Don't worry, was the least I could do....

Other emails over the course of the following weeks, flirty but not in a big way. She asked what he was doing at christmas, he made no mention of wife and children.

I had a huge go at him the next night (my birthday) saying his behaviour towards me was awful but did not mention the OW (if she is) or the emails.
He has been great since then.
I have been checking and there have been no further emails. She doesn't work with him and lives a long way away.
The thing is, this knowledge is eating me up. I thought I would bide my time and see if I could gather further eveidence, but I feel anxious all the time and swing between anger and sadness.

I need to confront him. I need advice please.
I am sorry, am rushing this post but he's due back from work soon.

You definitely need the truth. It may not have been a full blown affair, but sounds like it was heading that way at least...

Time to tack stock of the relationship and oth of you make it a priority.. It takes two to make it work.

Yes, got to be done but I feel I need a bit of a strategy. I feel torn as since our big talk at the start the month he's been a lot of happier. We haven't argued. He said he felt I didn't listen to him

I agree you need the truth - it sounds like your H had an affair (maybe a brief one?) and I suspect he knows you suspect something and is now much more careful (hence the lack of emails) and is trying to put you off the scent hence the nice behaviour.

If you want to confront him, don't tell him exactly what you know/saw but that you know there definitely was another woman otherwise he will only admit what you do know and deny or minimise the rest.

And don't let him blame you for the affair - it was his choice, instead of having one, he could have talked to you, suggested relate etc if he wasn't happy with you.

I think I'm going to say "I know about " and see what he says. Sounds about right re suspicions and niceness. We told each other what we wanted and so far I'm making sandwiches for his lunch (!) and extra tidying, but he hasn't been doing all the warm fuzzy stuff that I would like. No "I love you"s and no sex. Gone right off the idea of sex now anyway.
Their paths do not cross often at all. But why did no-one from her company give her taxi money?
Ok feeling a bit more revved up now. Going to put the dc's to bed.

Good luck and stay strong x

You probably nipped it in the bud OP. Either way you do need answers and a guarentee that it's over, whatever it was?

I think he went away and had a one night stand. Do you want that to become the focus of your marriage?

Its not an affair its a one night stand, its not right, but how much do you value your marriage?

You could start by asking him "Do I need to visit the STD clinic as I know something happened when you was away"?

No, I think the "it was the least I could do" means something definitely happened between them.

If he hasn't said he loves you and doesn't want sex with you, what do you mean by 'he's been great since then?'

It sounds like you've been making all the efforts to change, but he hasn't.

Of course, none of this has got anything to do with what you have or haven't done and what's happened is the usual outcome of these conversations. The faithful person is told to up the ante and shape up, while the other person has got no intention of doing anything other than lapping up the benefits. I do hope you realise that.

TBH he doesn't sound very nice anyway. Imagine that this 'OW' didn't exist - what is the rest of your relationship like?

Hi, OP, I'm sorry about your situation, how awful and difficult. I would just like to say that almost NO ONE who has been unfaithful admits it under questioning, sometimes even when there's damning evidence in front of them. So I think you should confront him, but don't be made to feel like a crazy person or a shrill paranoid nag. He will almost certainly deny, whatever the truth. I would support the closed statement over the open question, because you may be able to wrongfoot him and tell something from his reaction. Any 'So tell me about OW' is going to be met with 'What do you mean?' and a baffled expression which would be appropriate either way.

FWIW I agree that something inappropriate has definitely gone on, just don't know what and for how long.

Sorry if I have misunderstood but am I right in saying that there is no proof that he has been unfaithful whatsoever??

A few emails does not an affair or a one night stand make. The "it's the least I could do" could be anything entirely innocent.

I agree it sounds like it could be an affair/one night stand but unless something else has gone on to make you suspicious then, if you trust him, I wouldn't agree there's anything to say.

The reason no-one in her company gave her money was because the taxi was not connected to work-related business, of course.

Please ignore any advice telling you that if you value your marriage, you'll overlook a one-night stand - and as for relying on him for advice about whether to get a health check, words fail me.....

When I wasnt 100% sure about something with H (not his affair as it happened, I was 100% about that!) I said "I know all about X, but if you have any respect for me you will make this easy and admit everything now. If you dont then any chance of us dealing with this and moving on will be gone."

Then I waited.

And you could tell by his questions that he was trying to find out what I knew. I answered open endedly and implied that I knew that he still wasnt being completely honest, you can tell cant you? And the truth did out.

He still doesnt know that I was playing a hunch, why show your hand?!

Sorry, Shakey, I was a bit definite but the detaching over christmas and the phone in the loo and the intimate emails are huge red flags that feature in almost every thread about affairs there has ever been on this forum. I was just saying that waiting for definite proof forever is probably a wasted time.

Instincts tend to be right in some regard unless someone has a history of paranoia and unreasonable jealousy. Even if the emails are a reference to a passing flirtation that was never cemented, the OP will never be able to stop thinking about it. He may have begun to detach in order to give himself permission to pursue the flattery he was enjoying from someone else's attention. If the OP feels that he is willing to throw himself back into the marriage no questions asked, fair enough, but it seems this will play on her mind forever if it's not talked through.

Yes, I fully endorse what bogey says, if any strategy will produce confession results, it's that one. Though the OP should make sure that's what she wants.

Ok, started with "tell me about x" and continued with a poker face. He admitted to the emails and that although he wouldn't categorize them as particularly flirty, more like banter, that he hadn't sent any for weeks, but could understand why I wasn't happy. He wasn't angry, he was happy to talk to me and reassure me, despite me cross-examining at length. I was really calm throughout so thanks for the support, on this thread and all the ones I have lurked on for the past few months.
Gut feeling is he's felt pleased to get a bit of attention during a rough patch but that it's just been the emails.
Obviously, would be more nervous if she was local. However, during my time as a paranoid, anxious wreck in January I also went through credit card and bank statements etc and couldn't find anything at all.

I think our relationship overall has been strained. We haven't been going out. Just as we sat down last night he was asking about 2 upcoming events and whether he could take me.

Sorry am trying to post whilst scrambling eggs and dishing out calpol. I think he has thrown himself back into the marriage as suggested, been no emails since the 4th (big chat about making things work on the 5th) and I did feel we had turned a corner, but I have been hesitant as had all the "what if's" were just whirling around in my head. The lack of sex has been from me, anxiety is a bit of a passion killer.
I'm glad it's out in the open, and it's given me the opportunity to clarify to him that cheating is a deal-breaker for me (as it is for him)
Also, although having these doubts about our relationship I do feel strongly that I could survive on my own if needs be. I've read so many inspiring posts when I have been feeling low recently, and that's what gave me the boost to actually say something yesterday instead of pretending all ok and kicking myself this morning for facing another day of toxic thoughts.
So, will be moving forward. Won't be taking my eye of the ball, though.

I know I'm probably going against the flow here, and the standard response is that they will deny ad infinitum, but I suspect in this case he is telling the truth...
His response ties in to your follow up that there has been nothing recent and the mails fall closer to mild flirting/banter, than outright cheating.

I suspect he was somewhat excited and flattered by what may have appeared to be an opportunity and would have potentially followed up on it if the chance had arisen more directly. As it was, time and distance have dulled the 'flame' a little and he now can't be bothered to do anything about it.
The problem you have here though is that he was indeed on the brink - and hence you both really need to sit down and discuss otherwise it is quite possible that if the situation arises again then he will follow through.

FWIW I'm with Fabby on this - one night stands can be overlooked/forgiven if just for sex (and yes, I mean that both ways) but emotional distancing is the real killer...

Ps. Really focussed in that "least I could do" quote. He said a bit group of them had left the bar, she said that she didn't have the full fare home and he gave her the money as could claim it back on expenses. Her company had paid for the meals and drinks that evening. She, as a local, showed them where the next bar was and left. He said he left a couple of hours later with his boss and several other colleagues and they walked back to the hotel as a group.

I agree MMeaner, and as for this particular opportunity he says she's quite junior and doesn't go to these events normally, hence lack of expense account, and was only there as it was in her home town.
I'm not saying all my doubts have disappeared, however I'm reasonably satisfied with what he has said when added in with the general state of our relationship around that time.
My original position after seeing the emails was to wait it out and see what happened as there just wasn't anything concrete. However, I couldn't sneak around, was making me feel I'll (excess Christmas weight has disappeared - every cloud etc)
Short of calling and grilling her, there's little I can do except put in my 50% and see if he does too.

I really hope he wasn't having an affair but he's still an entitled whatsit though. All this you must make his sandwiches and keep the house tidier! while all you want is just nice stuff like more affection...
grrrrrrrr xx

Sounds like it went well - however, I would be concerned as it sounds like he is susceptible to flattery and attention and has weak boundaries.

I would really recommend you get Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass as it covers a lot about barriers, boundaries and addressing vulnerabilities/weaknesses in order to affair proof a marriage.