I need to confront him about this....

[wtfisgoingon]

Married 6 years, 2 dds 4 and 2
well, I knew something wasn't right following his return from a work trip in december. Very cold towards me throughout the whole month including christmas.
He had been taking his phone to the toilet and on one occasion left it in there. I had a look. Nothing in tests or calls untowards, but work emails are forwarded to it. Nothing in in-box, clicked on deleted items and saw n email from a woman, got the name but it was updating and disappeared.
Asked him a couple of days later if he was having an affair. He got very angry and said no, and that he had decided to put no effort into the relationship as he didn't think I was, then got verbally aggressive about state of house (bloody untrue as had loads of visitors throughout the month and had run myself ragged).
He came back early from work the following week and logged in to work remotely on our pc. When he went to make a coffee I had a look at his in-box and searched using the woman's name.
Lots of emails came up starting the day after his work trip:
Him: Hi did you get home ok?
Her: Yes, thankyou for the taxi fare
Him: Don't worry, was the least I could do....

Other emails over the course of the following weeks, flirty but not in a big way. She asked what he was doing at christmas, he made no mention of wife and children.

I had a huge go at him the next night (my birthday) saying his behaviour towards me was awful but did not mention the OW (if she is) or the emails.
He has been great since then.
I have been checking and there have been no further emails. She doesn't work with him and lives a long way away.
The thing is, this knowledge is eating me up. I thought I would bide my time and see if I could gather further eveidence, but I feel anxious all the time and swing between anger and sadness.

I need to confront him. I need advice please.
I am sorry, am rushing this post but he's due back from work soon.

OP, I guess in certain circles I would be counted as one of them-there "men bashers"...

(I prefer to refer to myself, however, as "Realist who objects to myself and other women getting fucked over by men")

... but I think what you have described here, and his subsequent explanations, do not sound overly worrying. I do not blame you for further "snooping" after your first warning bell though, and would do it myself.

It would also be a terrible shame if, as seems possible, it was only your own strong boundaries about what is acceptable/not acceptable within your relationship that "nipped this in the bud" and not his own

However, you are moving on with a little less blind trust, and certainly IMO, that is not an altogether bad thing

good luck x

Thanks everyone

< puts in vase and arranges them not very artfully >

Do you know what OP? You only want to listen to posters who agree with you. You'll then join in slagging off one of the few who have maybe suggested a different way of looking at the situation. You wanted advice, I gave you advice, you take the piss out of my advice. Bad fucking manners.

There is a whole lot of reading between the lines here. And rather than sympathise that you've been 'pushed' into snooping I'm going to tell you what I think of your behaviour, and you won't like it one bit. Apparently only your husband, who you allegedly love dearly, is allowed to be slated.

You are behaving like a psycho, leave the guy alone, if I was him I'd have told you to shut the fuck up and changed all my passwords by now. He got a bit flirtatious with a random woman because he was bored (for which you accept partial responsibility) by the looks of things. Any suggestion that he is a devious cunt who is hiding the affair and 'gaslighting' you is pure supposition, there is not a shred of evidence for it.

But hey ho, fill your boots, as I said, not my marriage. I'm sure I give as much of a toss as anyone here is professing to.

lovely

OP has it occurred to you that this woman was initially very interested in him, but then realised he was married and did the decent thing and backed off? And that because she wasn't responding to his cues (and omitting to mention you and the kids and the lie about being a gym bunny were obvious and intended 'cues') he backed off too? What would he have done if she had instead pursued a relationship?

I hope you don't think that giving him more attention is going to prevent something happening with someone else who does respond to his cues.

Rational - Only you calling him a c*nt actually. Twice. And you were saying you weren't a man basher. Shame on you.
You should re-read. I didn't slate you, I found a couple of your comments odd. Not the first one about getting on with things and leaving the thread, thought that was a fair comment. Wanted a balanced view and that's why I came here. Didn't realise you would be actively trying to push me off it.
Definitely had an insight into your level of understanding towards people needing a bit off support.
We know why I'm here, just not sure why you are.

Yes, love be careful not to absorb what would be terrible advice in "how to prevent a man straying"

becoming a suspender-wearing, non-complaining, footrubbing, ever-understanding, Delia in the kitchen, willy-sucking whore in the bedroom kind of Stepford automaton will not quell a restless eye

(unless you are already happy to be any or all of those things, of course)

it will simply make him respect you less

pmsl@ 'man bashers'

Get a grip, 'Rational', it aint the 1970s.

I agree with the comment about you being not the only one giving more attention, I hope that he too is investing into the marriage and I think he will find the book a useful read.

You mentioned other red flags - what are these?

Charbon - yes that definitley occured to me. His facebook profile says married and his profile picture is of him holding our eldest as a newborn so she wouldn't have had to look very far. I don't know what to think other than to work on my side of things and see if he does the same. Then review. I'm quite strong in general, I've told him that I'm not looking to settle for a so-so marriage and that we should both move on if needs be. We both need to put an effort in.
It is what it is.
Not ideal, but there isn't enough to act upon.

"Only you calling him a c*nt actually."

That's just a lie. You're all (nearly all) fucking bonkers! Once again, why anyone would come here for relationship advice is way beyond my comprehension.

"You mentioned other red flags - what are these?"

Yes, do tell, so that they can make up a whole set of new suppositions based on fuck all evidence.

Rational, you've clearly got issues of your own. Go and sort them out and come back when you are in a better place.

Rational - No. It's not a lie. Look back at your posts. And re-read your most recent post, specifically the second line, and ask yourself why you're here.

Read again what I said. I said 'if' you think he's a cunt (which he would be if he was gaslighting you, you're suggestion, not mine) then you should leave him. That is NOT me calling him a cunt.

Second incident, was addressing the numerous posts that are reading between the lines and suggesting he is a devious cunt (which he would be if all the supposition being done were true). Again, NOT me calling him a cunt.

I initially came here to give you an alternative viewpoint, that is blatantly obvious now NOT what you want, so I'll leave you and your cronies to it.

you keep saying you are going, rational

but you don't

'cronies'

What, you mean EVERYONE else?

Denial, Egypt etc

and I initially appreciated your viewpoint. Not radically alternative either as there were others similar. In fact those were the ones I needed to hear the most. You just seem very defensive and this is a chatroom. It's just chat. Helpful and unhelpful.
No need for name-calling though. Says a lot about you.