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Original poster

Am I passive aggressive?

37 replies

Anothernameagain · 23/01/2012 10:06

Have namechanged for this.
All sounds stupid really but here goes, yesterday I cooked a roast for dinner, after we had eaten I was trying to clear up. Dh came into the kitchen for something and I asked him if he would please empty the bin. He replied he would do it after the football finished in 10 minutes, I said I need it doing now as I need to scrape the plates so I can clean up. His response was that he would clean up himself later (said in an angry tone). I told him not to bother I would do it myself...cue row over a bloody bin and him emptying it in the end as he said if I did it I would be 'playing the martyr'.
He says that he is fed up with me asking him to do stuff and expecting it to be done right then and there....I am just getting fed up that I am made to feel like I am nagging him when I really don't think I am.

OP posts:

averyembarrassingq · 23/01/2012 10:09

Morning Another,

That's not a description of a passive/aggressive to me.

I personally just think you two need to learn the art of compromise. He wasn't saying he wouldn't empty the bin; his timing didn't fit in with yours, that's all.

MoaningMinnieWhingesAgain · 23/01/2012 10:11

Well, if DH said leave it, I'll do it later, I would have made myself a cup of tea and sat down. then I would have had to rewash the dishes later because DH doesn't do them properly

Or, I would have emptied the bin myself before I started clearing up. If I had been your DH I would have been a bit pissed off too - can't do right for doing wrong.

MoaningMinnieWhingesAgain · 23/01/2012 10:14

The clearing up would still be there in 10minutes, the football was one just now and he didn't want to miss it. If DH asked me to do something for him, that he could have done himself, while I was watching something exciting, I would have said wait too.(or sod off)

Unless of course there was a vital reason why the washing up couldn't wait 10 minutes, like you had to catch a plane or something

Original poster

Anothernameagain · 23/01/2012 10:14

Thanks for the reply, well my timing never seems to fit with his then, he sat and ate the dinner I took hours to cook and then left me to clean up (he never cleans the kitchen or cooks).
If I was to wait for him to do something I had asked it would likely not get done or I would end up doing it myself, have been asking him to change the bulb in the bathroom for 3 weeks.....I know it is petty really but it is really starting to grind me down.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anothernameagain · 23/01/2012 10:16

Oh and there is always an excuse when I ask him to empty the bin. I wasn't needing to catch a plane :) But wanted to have a sit down myself as I had been in the kitchen for hours cooking and getting the washing done while he was in the living room with the little ones watching football!

OP posts:

MuckyCarpet · 23/01/2012 10:19

Why can't you change the lightbulb?

I can see both sides here. Personally, if my OH asked me to do something whilst I was in the middle of watching something I too would tell them to wait until it had finished. If they then went on about needing it doing "Now" I would suggest they do it themselves if they couldn't wait.

On the other hand, if your OH is not pulling his weight around the house in general then that is a problem in itself and not something I'd put up with. Stop washing his clothes. Stop cooking for him etc.

specialagentmeh · 23/01/2012 10:19

Why didn't you empty it yourself in the first place? Emptying the bin is not the sole preserve of men! I think chores should be 50/50 but if he was just watching the end of something & really would do it later, then it does seem a little bit naggy.

averyembarrassingq · 23/01/2012 10:21

Ah, Another, as with many of these posts, there is always more to the story. So, the history is that you are the martyr and he is the lazy sod. Have you both sat down and had a reasonable discussion about the division of domestic labour and agreed some fundamental expectations of each other? Communication, communication, communication......

Original poster

Anothernameagain · 23/01/2012 10:22

Sorry Moaningminne didn't reply properly to you.
He wouldn't have cleaned the kitchen, it would have still been a mess in the morning. Didn't mean to drip feed but I have a problem with my joints and the bin is heavy and hurts my wrist, he is fully aware of this.

OP posts:

tallwivglasses · 23/01/2012 10:22

He's acting like a teenager. No wonder you asked for him to empty the bin NOW - because you knew he wouldn't do it after the football. Something in him thinks he has the God-given right to treat you like a scivvy.

There's loads of threads about trying to get partners to do their fair share. I'd start by trying to have a friendly conversation, writing a list of chores then sticking them on the fridge. Failing that, stop cooking for him! Good luck.

specialagentmeh · 23/01/2012 10:23

Oh too slow posting, you have moved on. If he isn't pulling his weight at all, I sympathise. However, you need a different approach than asking him to do the odd 'man' chore, lightbulbs, bins etc.

Original poster

Anothernameagain · 23/01/2012 10:25

Well he doesn't do communication, he just gets annoyed and says I am getting at him, it doesn't matter how I phrase things. Just remembered he also said that I could go back to work and he would look after the kids as it is a 'piece of piss', the 2 little ones both have SN and he wouldn't have the first clue what meds they took even!

OP posts:

specialagentmeh · 23/01/2012 10:25

tallwivglasses has put it better - start with a friendly discussion about division of labour. And threaten withdrawal of roast dinners!

specialagentmeh · 23/01/2012 10:26

Leave him with them both for an afternoon. Then he'll realise

bruxeur · 23/01/2012 10:26

Drip feeding in threads is pretty PA so I'd have to say yes to your OP.

Hardgoing · 23/01/2012 10:28

No-one appreciates it if I slave in the kitchen for several hours on a Sunday, so I don't do it. There's no point doing it and expecting a round of applause, it never comes. I ask my husband to sort out dinner, sometimes he cooks, sometimes he goes and gets pizza, I just don't care. Cleaning up can be done later. If someone was harassing me to clean a bin when I was watching Midsomers Murders (what I watch on Sun if on), I might commit murder myself (only joking!)

But I agree that you need a better division of chores, and for him to be responsible fully for them, not for you to spend time nagging him to do a very trivial thing every now and again.

Original poster

Anothernameagain · 23/01/2012 10:35

Many apologies for drip feeding, was trying not to ramble on.
If I leave him with them he 'forgets' to feed them and will often return to dirty/dripping nappies.
I rarely cook for him now as he 'doesn't feel like eating that' or isn't hungry right now, so will usually do something for the little ones and myself, he ends up either not eating or ordering takeaway at 11pm!
He won't divide chores will only do something if he feels like it and it's on his own terms!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 23/01/2012 10:35

I think you sound a bit of a martyr to be honest.

Why would anyone ask someone to take out the bin when there was only 10 minutes of a football match to go? Why didn't you tell him the minute it was over?

Ladymuck · 23/01/2012 10:38

So how are jobs divided in your house then? Does he know/acknowledge that his job is to empty the bin, or does he only do it if asked? Does he know what expectations you have of him, or are you expecting him to read your mind see what needs to be done and take the initiative?

If you are expecting him to jump every time you call, then yes, I can imagine that this would be hard to live with. Equally you must feel very put upon if all of the chores are yours, and he acts as if he is doing a massive favour by doing anything.

The way through it though is to have a sensible discussion about division of labour. One option, that worked for us, is that I gave dh a choice of several "beginning to end" tasks as otherwise one of us could get frustrated when the other had not done something in the chain. So for example laundry starts from emptying laundry baskets through to washing, drying, ironing and putting away. Cooking involves menu planning, making a shopping list, doing the online shop, putting it away and then the cooking. Etc. So now I don't ever have to nag, dh knows what he needs to do and so do I.

ISayHolmes · 23/01/2012 10:41

"If I leave him with them he 'forgets' to feed them and will often return to dirty/dripping nappies."

That is absolutely disgusting behaviour. HE is the passive aggressive one if anything. It sounds like he does this sort of thing on purpose to dissuade you from going out, which is really wrong.

Who on earth forgets to feed their children? Though I'm guessing that the quotation marks imply that you think he does it on purpose.

LyssaM · 23/01/2012 10:45

DH never helps. Seriously, I cannot expect him to do anything. The only way to stay sane is to assume that he will never help and work round that.

Do not expect them to be nice to you either, it's not worth the emotional energy waiting for it.

I traded in my kitchen bin for a smaller one. It does need emptying more often but I can empty it by myself, so it saves a lot of stress.

Original poster

Anothernameagain · 23/01/2012 10:48

I didn't know he was watching the football, he was in the kitchen when I asked him to empty the bin, even when he knows it needs empting he just forces more stuff in it or leaves things on the side!
I don't expect him to jump when I call, although that is expected of me.
He thinks we have a sensible division of labour, i stay at home and do all the kids stuff, appointments household chores and he goes to work (deskjob) then gets on his pc when he comes home.

OP posts:

tallwivglasses · 23/01/2012 10:48

Have you posted about him before OP? The soggy nappies and 'forgetting' to feed dc sounds familiar.

Okay, this isn't going to change unless you take some drastic action. Where's SGB when we need her?

tallwivglasses · 23/01/2012 10:51

Or you could take the advice of some other posters on here, have WELCOME tattooed on your chest and accept your lot as a doormat for the rest of your life. Jeez.

Original poster

Anothernameagain · 23/01/2012 10:55

No haven't posted about it before, just felt I needed to today as it is all getting me down now, if it were left to him my ds would be struggling to cope in a mainstream school and not in the lovely sn school I have managed to get him in. He has never attended any appointments for the dc's, ds has ASD and dd2 has just been given a working diagnosis of ASD.
I genuinely believe he actually doesn't think about their needs when he is on his own with them which doesn't happen often, I have a dd1 (15) from previous marriage and I tend to only leave both the little ones when she is about.
I really don't know what to do, there is more really than in the op (sorry) I am just feeling so downtrodden at the moment:(

OP posts:

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