Am I passive aggressive?

[Anothernameagain]

Have namechanged for this.
All sounds stupid really but here goes, yesterday I cooked a roast for dinner, after we had eaten I was trying to clear up. Dh came into the kitchen for something and I asked him if he would please empty the bin. He replied he would do it after the football finished in 10 minutes, I said I need it doing now as I need to scrape the plates so I can clean up. His response was that he would clean up himself later (said in an angry tone). I told him not to bother I would do it myself...cue row over a bloody bin and him emptying it in the end as he said if I did it I would be 'playing the martyr'.
He says that he is fed up with me asking him to do stuff and expecting it to be done right then and there....I am just getting fed up that I am made to feel like I am nagging him when I really don't think I am.

FFS - you cook AND do the washing up?
Seriously?

How many other women honestly do this?

It matters not a fig that he works and you supposedly do not. I have said this until I am blue in the face, but people get PAID quite a lot of money to do what you do for free. Research how much it would cost in your area to get a cleaner and a nanny. Tot up how much that would be and then hand it to him with the idea that you are going to get a job. So you'll be needing both a cleaner and nanny since both of you will be working. Just see how well that goes down with him.

Looking after kids is no easy life. I am guessing here that you do the weekly shopping? Paying all the household bills? (That's something your nanny wouldn't do) Caring for the kids? Cleaning? Washing? Cooking? Appointments?

For crying out loud, we were NOT born natural mothers/cooks/cleaners. We had to learn and yes we sometimes made mistakes along the way, we've all put coloureds in with whites, we've all burnt the tea and we've all made a right mess of changing nappies. But we learnt. They have the exact same capacity to learn so why why why are you, not just you OP but others who have also said their dh's do FA, why do you allow it?

Of course they are going to come home from work and watch TV, play on the pc and relax after their hard day at work with their proper allocated lunch breaks and numerous coffee breaks. Poor little darlings. Whilst you busy yourselves around them like Mary Poppins.

The bin was a small argument, a trivial one but it's indicative of much bigger problems here and that is mainly that you are acting like a household slave with no respect from your dh, no help and no time off. You wouldn't put up with these working conditions in a proper paid job so why do it now?

Throw your pinny away and do nothing for a while. The kids will survive on sarnies for a day or two. Do absolutely nothing until they agree to help out. And the next time they accuse you of nagging, be less passive aggressive and more aggressive aggressive - perhaps with a frying pan on their thick bonces to jiggle their brain cells around a bit more.

I've not read the whole thread - but I think if you've cooked a roast, he should be cleaning up. I would have told him so, but said after the football finished he can do all the cleaning up/washing up/scraping plates etc.

OP, I'm sorry you feel down, but he's taking you for a ride.
I don't know how the balance was when you first met, but it's shifted now so that it's you who does everything for very little thanks.

The fact that he does not even bother going to his own children's appointments to lend support to you and his children, to find out what's happening with them, well that's just bloody awful. This man is very very selfish.

I wouldn't put up with it, but then I'm quite a confident person and not at all afraid to confront and go to extremes if necessary. I get the impression that you have just taken everything upon your shoulders without even realising it.

I don't know what you do. If he can't be bothered attending his kids appointments then I really don't know.

Is he worth it?

Feeling downtrodden? You ARE downtrodden! And it sounds like your H is in denial about a lot of things - not least the needs of your two younger dc.

It sounds like your H is living in a bubble - he has NO IDEA about what you do to keep everything running smoothly. Write a long, long list and, as has been suggested I think - the costs if you were paying an outside agency. This guy seems to need things spelled out to him in words of one syllable (though I suspect he knows what you do, just sees you as a domestic appliance with a vagina attachment)

Well, SGB ain't here so I might as well use one of her more poetic analogies

BTW, well done for keeping things together for your dc. You could almost be a lone parent...

Agreed - you are VERY strong OP. You have coped almost like a single parent, only you don't even get the odd weekend off when their dad has custody. You've shown remarkable strength in handling the complex needs of each of your children and have battled on your own to get diagnoses for them and suitable schools. That cannot have been easy.

Is there some sense of wanting control? So perhaps not encouraging him to get involved because this is one area of your life that you have full control of? Pardon my asking, I could be way out and suspect I am, but some women do resent their partners getting too involved as they see it as 'their' job.

I think you need to take some of the incredible inner strength of yours and create a happier, more harmonious domestic life. You deserve some slack after everything you've done.

Thanks for all the replies.

When concerns were raised about ds and possible autism (my dss has Aspergers) Dh took it very very hard, wouldn't discuss it at all so I would go to the appointments alone and wait for a 'good' time to relay what had been said. He does accept it all now but it was a long hard road, I believe his problem was that he always assumed his oldest son's Aspergers was from his late wife. Finding out that our ds had autism too threw his belief out of the window. I believe he is Aspergers himself at the very top end of the spectrum, he will also admit that he is probably on the spectrum too now.
Living in a bubble is probably very accurate really.
The problem is I don't know how the hell to go about sorting this out with him without a bloody big argument kicking off.

As for being a domestic appliance with an attached vagina (love it!) well that is probably right although I am not interested in sex much nowadays which bothers him.
It would be easier on my own and I am not dismissing the idea but I want it to work, I love him and other than him being a lazy arse we tend to get on quite well.
Before we had the little ones I worked full time, but we had a cleaner, he never cooked then either, either I did it or we order in or ate out.
Sorry if there are typos, dd2 trying to help!

If he has Asperger's would he therefore not benefit from lists?

List down every job you do every day, because he will not have even thought about most of the tasks you undertake. Then provide him with a list of local cleaners and nannies with their hourly rates.

Perhaps a rota would be beneficial that he can help set up? So if you do the cooking he does the washing up at a time that suits him (and be prepared to leave it all there if he forgets). He can also bathe the kids once a week and again, let him choose the day he does this.
If you have a well thought out plan that he has been involved with, and this plan is visible, then he may be more co-operative.

Also, is there any literature he would be willing to read on aspergers? It might help him to gain some insight into his own personality as well as understanding his son a bit more.

Sorry but at the core of this is your partner's belief that childcare and domestic chores are women's work.

I confess I don't really understand how it's possible to love a man who's like that, so I'm not going to be much help. I also don't understand people who are afraid of arguments and it seems you are.

I get that he would waste money on a takeaway if you didn't cook, so would he waste money at the dry cleaners when if you didn't wash his stuff?

files.e2ma.net/13861/assets/docs/householdmngmntlist.pdf

This is a lovely long list of the kinds of things included in your "piece of piss" job. It might be a helpful starting point for you to make a list. Do a list of jobs that you do, with the amount of time each task takes. Include his job - "paid employment, 40 hours" or whatever. Do a total time at the bottom. Point out that you are currently doing x hours more than him, and that this is not fair.

The other thing that might work is if you tell him that the way he leaves you all the work to do, makes you feel unloved. And unsexy. You can leave him to take that idea on a bit further ...

Aha! - just caught up. I must admit I suspected Asperger's but didn't want to mention it as it's quite often suggested on these boards as a reason for arsey behaviour.

It looks like appealing to his logic and lists is the way to go...and, as has been hinted above, how a man in a pinny often gets a woman's juices flowing

Not read all of it, but sounds more like he's passive aggressive tO be honest!