Anyone else scared of becoming a lonely old lady???

[Notcontent]

Right, so I am supposed to be more positive in 2012 but not doing so great recently...

I am in my late 30s so nowhere near an old lady yet, but...
I spent my 20s and early 30s never thinking I would ever be alone or feel lonely. I had my parents, boyfriend (who became husband) and friends who were always there, wanting to get together on weekends, etc.

Then my life dramatically changed. I moved to London and then had a baby and my husband left me.

I am very close to my parents but they are not in London. And let's be honest, they will not be alive forever. I have no siblings. As I become older I have found that friends are so involved with their own lives and family that they are not never available and tend to do things with other couples anyway... So while I do have friends, I spend many weekends alone. I have a small DD but it just occurred to me the other day that in 10 years time or so she will have her own life and I may become one of those people who spends Christmas alone. I am not sure how this happened!

Yes I feel like this too :-( . I only have my mum left now and she is in her sixties. Two half brothers who I never see and haven't much since I was five, no aunts, uncles, cousins, friends . .

I have no real friends and even the ones that I do see all come from close families and large ones so they dont need friends they all have each other. I get no invites or phone calls. I am never thought of, always last.

I think that's why I have had four dc so at least they keep me busy.

But yes op I will be joining you round the loneliness table come a future Christmas day!

Seek out a hobby group of some kind. Now. I sometimes think that one of the minor-but-important feminist issues is the way in which women are subtly discouraged from having interests because that would interfere with their Proper Role, which is servicing men or hunting for a man to service. So many women, if asked what they like doing or care a lot about, tend to go, oh well I used to quite like... or Oh I don't really know. The great thing about having a hobby/interest is that you meet a wider range of people than if you're just a heteromonogamous mundane who socialises with Other Couples.

I'm looking forward to it. I'm going to go travelling on my own, in style to very refined places like Florence, I have no idea if these are "refined", in my head they are. Also in my head I look like Honor Blackman and I'm wearing a wide brimmed hat!

I haven't thought about the part where I no longer have my mum and gran, my uncles etc I'm not allowing that in my head :(

I remember sitting on the bus last year behind an elderly couple. I could hear him saying to her 'That's because you're just STUPID- and you always have been' She just sat there in silence, obviously well used to his verbal bullying.
Worse things than being on your own....

Well, I think I'm the nearest thing to an old lady on here - I'm 54. DD of 12 will be moved out in a few short years and I'm divorced but as BelleDame says I'm PREPARED. I have a small but important group of friends, a cat (and am hoping to get a dog) and belong to a choir and go walking with the Ramblers. I've learnt to like being on my own and although I wouldn't say no to a relationship, I'm not out looking for it.

As Pishwife says, having had family when you're elderly counts for nothing and doesn't protect you from eventual lonliness. And we all die alone so it's best to prepare yourself for that.

Don't give up hope. A friend of my mothers started her first, yes first serious relationship when she was 49 and she's getting married this year at 56. I'm sure she must have looked at all her friends and thought she was never going to find anyone. She won't have any children, which is sad for her, but she's very very happy. She has retired from her job and is going to just enjoy being with her new husband - her life sounds amazing. Incidentally her fiance is a former priest so it's his first relationship too - how sweet is that :)

You can always rely on SGB to inject a little humour into a thread - "you're just a heteromonogamous mundane who socialises with Other Couples."

Nice one

And how exactly do you suppose I seek out a hobby sgb?

I have four dc one of whom has special needs. I am parenting alone and no friends or family to look after the kids so I can go seek new hobby.

Its not always that easy. I dont choose to be lonely. Until dd3 is old enough to be in school all day then I have no chance and I have had to decrease my work hours so my son has proper care

Sheep: Ok take your point about DC with SN. I don't want to pry into your personal circumstances, but are there things you could get involved with as a family that might lead to making more friends? (Local history, music groups or a local charity, maybe?)Or does the DC with SN have major mobility/behavioural problems that make it hard to socialise with him/her around?

The phrase ageist sexist bobbins springs to mind...

He has behavioural issues which makes it difficult to socialise with him. He has an aversion to lots going on around him and noise which makes things like bowling, crowded places and other peoples house quite difficult. He can't even cope with his own sisters! Yesterday he injured my four year old daughter finger and he's twelve!

Friends have been put off by him I think,

But people just see me as not existing I think and its been that way since I was a child, always overlooked and a pain.

sheep you need to address that perception through counselling. It will be v difficult to expand your life through groups, hobbies etc if that's the way you see yourself/think people see you. Also, counselling would help in not passing that on to your daughters.

PishWife loved your post. A friend of mine who also works with the elderly, has said exactly the same thing.

The great thing about having a hobby/interest is that you meet a wider range of people than if you're just a heteromonogamous mundane who socialises with Other Couples

Absolutely agree with this. I traded urban for rural life and one of the big cons of that for me is that I am too surrounded by Other Couples and have been sort of forced into being a 'heteromonogamous mundane', when really I'd prefer populate my life with people of all shapes and sizes, colour, beliefs, status etc, but that stuff isn't available here really. Urban scenarios are definitely better for that sort of thing and definitely have a wider variety of hobbies and activities on offer.

Re cats, imo elevating cats or dogs to human status is Not A Good Thing if you're on your own.

But its true though and I do see myself as on the outside looking in. I do struggle with banter and thinking of funny things to say and thats what people are looking for I think. I can still have a laugh. I don't matter to people I think. Ive been a sounding board, a listening ear to people that need it but unfortunately when I say (rarely) Ive had a bad day people change the subject or go silent or interupt all the things I don't do to them.

I'm sick of it.

I dont pass it on to my daughters. (although they have never had a birthday party, I cant face it, makes me anxious)

btw I do go to homestart and another parenting support group but again I get ignored for the most part and have to sit and listen to them talking easily. I get tongue tied. I'm not shy though, I can start convos easily.

I am too cynical, if people talk to me I feel that its only because they have no one else (which is true)

I live on my own and I bloody love it, have never ever felt lonely and cant imagine ever wanting a relationship that was anything more than very part time.

I'd be filled with despair if I had to cohabit again.

(although they have never had a birthday party, I cant face it, makes me anxious)
Unfortunately that's the type of thing that DOES pass social anxiety on to your kids. Lots of peoples' heads are done in by kiddy parties, that's why I tend to have them in places other than my own house! But I wouldn't like them to grow up saying they never had any because of MY issues...

Everyone isn't looking for wit from people. You should just be yourself and try and be upbeat and smile a lot, ie when someone asks you how you are, don't launch into what an awful day you're having; don't always talk to people about yourself and the problems you have in your life (I only do that to people I know very very well and even then, not often). Just join in conversations, even if you're just laughing along and adding in the odd comment. Maybe you need to see someone to discuss things like this with?

I'm alone, my kids are all over 21 and I have the cats - more than 3! Tried the Internet dating - not even a nibble (maybe I'm too fussy). It upsets me that I might spend the next 40 years without someone in my life who wants me for being me and not just as their mother, daughter, sister. Sorry a lonely weekend and its still before lunch on a Monday - therefore qualifying as Monday morning! Not good!

See I think there should be a Mumsnet old peoples' home. It would be rather a laugh - plenty of like-minded people, and plenty of ascerbic disagreements too to spice things up.

We'd all live to be 102 because we were too full of piss and vinegar to let go and die.

I could actually look forward to this.

at Mumsnet old people's home.

Sheepgomeep, that's sad that you're limited like that. I wish I could suggest something.

When I think of who I admire and look up to in life, most of them are "lonely old ladies": women who are single for a variety of reasons, and created rich and fulfilling lives for themselves.

Some had high-flying careers. Some raised children. Some didn't. One trained maternity nurses in developing countries. One was the kindly lady that the neighbourhood kids would go to when home got too much. etc.

They all had their own hobbies, friends, and pursuits, and above all, they all exude confidence in themselves. Sometimes I think that being single permits some people to mature, to find their own centres, in a way that the coupled-up have less incentive to do.

I could do a lot worse than turn into a lonely old lady like that.

What all these people who get together with sone one because they don't want to die alone don't realise is that that gives them a 50% chance of waking up next to a corpse.

yes yes hotdamn, living alone can be tremendously empowering, I get tired of the prevailing unquestioned assumption that being part of a couple is the route to fulfilment

other lifestyles are available!

Hahahaha LeBof!!!!!

My grandmother was in a convalescent home next to an old lady who had 7 children. And because she had sold her house to pay for her care- NONE of them came to see her.

Better to have nobody, than realise that you have brought up 7 ingrates. (Or that your family life had been that poisonous)

LeBof, I love you.