Affair recovery but now MASSIVE setback :-(

[seachange]

Have been working on recovering from DH's affair for 10 months now, and it was going really well. He's like a different person, much more involved and committed to me and the DCs, and I have no regrets about trying to work on the marriage.

Christmas was a hard time because of everything that was happening at Christmas last year, but I was taking it easy, DH was doing a huge amount and we were working through it. Looking forward to 2012 (DH especially) as a fresh start and a year without OW anywhere in sight.

Then, at the beginning of January, I was diagnosed as having contracted HPV2 (herpes). Obviously painful, agonising, humiliating etc but more than that, I have spent a week in hospital with complications (not uncommon to the virus) that now mean I am still not functioning properly.

I am completely and utterly thrown by this, and feel like it has been a massive setback (no doubts about where virus originated, unfortunately). I'm back to where I was when I found out about the affair in the first place - tired, achy, finding normal things difficult, crying, thinking about everything that has happened again, when it had all been starting to fade. People in RL know that I've been ill, but they don't know the cause (didn't want to dredge it all up again) and so I haven't been able to talk about the psychological and emotional factors of what's happening.

I guess that's why I'm posting really, I just needed to say it to someone. This doesn't change my commitment to trying to make this work, DH is absolutely devastated. But I'm gutted as I thought we were doing so well, and I'm worried as I'm still ill from the effects of the virus.

Thanks for reading/listening :)

Have you both been checked for other things Get evrything checked now so there are no more surprises is dh being treated as well if makes no difference to the outcome thjan accepyt you have moved on before and can again

Oh you poor thing . Can you talk to a counsellor maybe? Someone who will be 'safe' and just let you get it all out.

gothicmama we were checked before, but didn't know that they don't check for herpes (you can get a blood test if you go private) - think because if you have it, you have it, tough luck - they only treat if you present with symptoms. The clinic I went to took blood tests again just to be on safe side, and will have to go back for swabs as was too sore. TMI I know, but FFS, if people only knew what affairs actually did to everyone involved!
Hope you're right about moving on eventually - just one more thing to forgive and get over.

kodachrome thanks, I have thought about that, there was one we saw when we first got back together that I could go to. I will if I still feel like this in a couple of weeks, but tbh I got more out of posting on MN last time!

Oh no, how horrible for you I can imagine how terrible you must be feeling both physically and mentally

No advice really except for don't expect much of yourself, and let your H take care of you.

Thanks tsl :) feel frustrated and a bit guilty about being back in a place where I can't do much, but will try not to! How are you doing? Hope everything is going well.

Sounds bloody awful. I'm assuming that as your DH is (rightly) devastated about this, he is doing his level best to make it up to you - and you've let him know in no uncertain terms that this has dredged everything back up for you.

I would imagine you felt you had put the worst behind you both and this has brought it into the present day in a horrible, debilitating way. Is there anyone you can talk to in real life? You need and deserve support.

Thanks tribpot. I've had so much support over the last year or so, from friends and family and mum especially helping with the children, and I was really pleased that it was beginning to get back to normal. It's hard to ask for more! I couldn't have got through finding out about the affair without MN (esp WWIFN, spidookly, thumbwitch, AF and everyone who had been through or was going through similar back at the end of 2010, have namechanged a couple of times since). Just posting on here makes me feel a bit better.

I also have herpes, it's not great but after a decade or so....it rarely bothers me, I have a small outbreak once every couple of years, remember they're just coldsores..not some filthy, hideous affliction.

You've been really unlucky to be so badly affected, I think that's quite rare, and not likely to be so severe in the future, I hope you feel better soon.

Do remember though, herpes can lie dormant for a very long time, and so it's not necessarily your DH that gave it to you (unless he is the only person you've been sexually active with). On the other hand, it may have been...

Just mentioning this in case it's a major setback in your renewed commitment to your marriage.

oh don't feel guilty whatever you do! You know NONE of this is your fault. It is a particularly horrid consequence of your H's actions, but one you can get over together if handled right by him, if he is truly remorseful and mindful of all the consequences of his actions.

It's quite a big test for you both, and I hope it comes at a time when you are strong enough to handle it.

Things still changeable with me and too fragile to feel any kind of serenity or confidence in the future. It's not great, but I'm ok

SolpadeineMaxed thanks for that. That's pretty much what the drs said, I think the stress at the time made the outbreak much worse (and can even bring it on, apparently). I know it's not supposed to be too bad (one of the nurses in hospital told me she had herpes, which was kindly meant if a little tmi!). I did find it embarrassing having to answer questions again about any recent sexual partners, and then of course about H's sexual partners, all the examinations in hospital...

Have only had one other partner before H (married at 21) and then it was first time for both of us. During the period when we talked loads about the affair, H said that OW had lots of emotional issues and she told him she had been with 30+ partners in the past (and that he was the best ), so unfortunately feel like that's a fairly safe bet.

tsl, am glad you're ok. Was a bit stalker-ish and read your Sept '11 thread, am so sorry everything is as it is :(

You're welcome. Sounds like you did get it from your DH then . I imagine he's pretty mortified, I know I would be.

I think if you're trying so hard to make this work then you're going to have to give it some perspective....easier said than done, I know.

Herpes is incredibly common. There is masses of information on the net about it, read through some.

When I was diagnosed (caught from BF) I genuinely thought it was the end of the world, and that I would have to stay with BF forever because no-one else would touch me. I believed it was a hideous STD and people would recoil in horror at the thought of it.

Now I know it's a coldsore. Take away the word 'Herpes' and it's just a coldsore. Not nice, but not the end of the world. Don't be embarrassed, millions of people get them.

I can't really offer any advice as to how it is affecting your relationship, because we would all react differently. Personally, I would not allow it to derail my efforts to keep the relationship together (only you know if it's worth it). Although I can totally understand why you're so upset.

Look after yourself first and foremost, try not to tie yourself in knots whilst you're recovering.

Thanks SM. Someone on an American tv programme I was watching said as an aside that over there it's apparently 1 in 4 people that have it! So I know not too bad, and liveable with, just galling really. And a shock, as the STI tests came back clear, didn't know they didn't test for it.

In my head, this is ok - DH didn't do this deliberately. He had the affair deliberately, and I've decided to forgive him for that, and this is just one more shitty consequence. What's hard is the unwitting effects, everything it's brought up again, the emotional response to such devastating betrayal and infection that I don't have any control over. I guess it will die down like it did the first time I found out (and then again when I discovered he hadn't stopped seeing her, sigh). It's just time time time, and H changing too of course.

Kudos to all those women going head desk and being very restrained . And good luck to people recently on other affair recovery threads - unfortunately it's a long bloody road, with maybe a few more nasty surprises in store :(

I am very sorry you had this setback, seachange

As hard as it is, nothing has changed, not really

A fucking massive shame your health has suffered, but you have been dealt the biggest blow and that was the infidelity in the first place and you decided to make another go of it

This is a shocking (and almost inevitable....) consequence of it

No matter how fantastic or how rubbish your H had been in the aftermath, this was sitting waiting, so as long as he is appropriately upset and devastated about how you are still dealing with the fallout of his stupidity, there is nothing he could have done to mitigate it

My best wishes for a speedy recovery and make sure you get all the help and support to ensure any further attacks are controlled adequately

take care x

Oh seachange, what a buggering nuisance that is! I also hope your DH is properly mortified about it (and that he gets an outbreak too [evil ]). Completely understand about it bringing everything back to the surface, it's not that far below the surface just yet! Everything is still way too raw - but at least now you know the (hopefully) worst. If your DH is any kind of man he will accept your wrath and emotions about this as his just deserts.

Have they checked you for everything else now? Because if not, go back and get checked for all other STIs, even if you have to pay for them - you don't want anything else cropping up suddenly. :(

(as an aside - do you use Zovirax "down there" if you feel the start of an outbreak? or is there a different medication? Just asking cos DH has oral coldsores and Zovirax works very well to prevent the sore)

Take care lovely - hope things go better from now!

Thanks AF, lovely to hear from you :) I know you're right, I knew it would be helpful to spout off about it on here. And if my experience is informative, that's a good reason to post too. Wonder if they've got an STI section on the new affair recovery guidelines?! (VERY glad that wasn't the advice I got 14 months ago!)

Hello thumbwitch I bloody hope that's it! Have to go back to clinic at the first sign of outbreak and will get antiviral medication. Lots of salt baths as well (should post a guide in health!). First one is apparently the worst, and as SM said, was very unfortunate to get side effects and end up in hospital.

Anyway, hope you are well!

Thumbwitch - Zovirax works on any coldsore's, including 'down there' ones.

Oh you poor darling - as if that's even remotely fair, especially since you'd both realised what you wanted. You're obviously lovely, you're not punishing him. I hope you feel better about it soon.

Oral Aciclovir, Antihistamines and Bicarbonate of Soda baths will all help if you get another outbreak. Avoid coming into contact with coldsores on other people, as that can act as a trigger.

After the initial infection, you could remain symptom free for the rest of your life.

seachange I am glad you have said the MN "affair guidelines" are rubbish

Thanks lisaro, DH and I were both surprised out how I have (or haven't) reacted - guess we have come a long way in just a few months. My reaction has been more internal and physical (lethargy, aches, sadness) than the rage and fury that has been known in the past. I think this whole experience has changed us both as persons - certainly won't hurt my children if I come out of this more in control of my temper!

VLG thanks for the advice, will remember that.

AF I caught the furore over the guidelines on MN a couple of days ago (haven't been on for a while). I'll have a proper read if I get a chance and maybe email them some suggestions. Shocking.

So sorry, OP, to read this; I also contracted HPV2 (only knew through a routine smear test) and was devastated!!! Good luck!

Thank you, you too :)

Thanks for the info Solpadeine - I was just wondering if it was appropriate for more sensitive tissues.

There are MN guidelines on affairs?? I'll have to go and look (especially if they're not that great) - I don't think they should have done that, each case is different depending on a multitude of factors! (how do I miss this stuff?? It's not like I'm not on here often enough )