Affair recovery but now MASSIVE setback :-(

[seachange]

Have been working on recovering from DH's affair for 10 months now, and it was going really well. He's like a different person, much more involved and committed to me and the DCs, and I have no regrets about trying to work on the marriage.

Christmas was a hard time because of everything that was happening at Christmas last year, but I was taking it easy, DH was doing a huge amount and we were working through it. Looking forward to 2012 (DH especially) as a fresh start and a year without OW anywhere in sight.

Then, at the beginning of January, I was diagnosed as having contracted HPV2 (herpes). Obviously painful, agonising, humiliating etc but more than that, I have spent a week in hospital with complications (not uncommon to the virus) that now mean I am still not functioning properly.

I am completely and utterly thrown by this, and feel like it has been a massive setback (no doubts about where virus originated, unfortunately). I'm back to where I was when I found out about the affair in the first place - tired, achy, finding normal things difficult, crying, thinking about everything that has happened again, when it had all been starting to fade. People in RL know that I've been ill, but they don't know the cause (didn't want to dredge it all up again) and so I haven't been able to talk about the psychological and emotional factors of what's happening.

I guess that's why I'm posting really, I just needed to say it to someone. This doesn't change my commitment to trying to make this work, DH is absolutely devastated. But I'm gutted as I thought we were doing so well, and I'm worried as I'm still ill from the effects of the virus.

Thanks for reading/listening :)

Just had another read of your OP, seachange - don't underestimate the effects of a virus like HSV on your overall wellbeing as well - I can fully understand why it's bringing all the upset and disappointment and anger back, but a lot of the tiredness and inability to do anything could be just down to the effects of the virus itself.

Oh bad luck! Poor you. It's miserable, but it's very very rare for herpes to be a prolonged and frequent illness. It is also true that you can get genital herpes from recieving oral sex from someone who has a coldsore (or is just about to sprout one) so it's possible that you might have got it without any breaches of monogamy.
And Thumbwitch is absolutely right about not underestimating the misery and tiredness and general unwellness of having something like this.

Actually, thinking about it: if you're that ill, could it be shingles rather than herpes? My mother had shingles which basically struck at her private parts and she was wretchedly ill and very miserable (shingles virus is similar to chickenpox which is in the same viral group as oral and genital herpes).

Oops, OP should have read HSV, not HPV (not sure what that is! Lol).

The actual outbreak was nasty but disappeared eventually, but before it cleared up the virus affected/attacked either the muscles or nerves around my bladder. Had to go to A&E with urine retention then was in hospital for a few days on a catheter while they tried to work out what was happening. Home now but still have to use one as not "working" yet :(

Dammit I always share way too much on here. You ladies are so good to talk to! If you're reading this and you know me, now you know where (I think) the virus came from!

Thanks SGB. HSV 1 can be passed by cold sores, but apparently HSV 2 is specifically an STI. I think though the smidgen of a chance that it wasn't the affair that caused this (plus how common it is and that it shouldn't be too serious in future) is helping me not over-react towards H.

thumbwitch there's a thread on here (maybe page 2 now) called 'have you seen new MN affair guidelines' or something with links to the section. Contained such gems as: work out what your partner may have been missing in the marriage and try to change Think the worst bits have been removed now but still pretty poor.

HPV = human papilloma virus, the one they link to cervical cancer (well, ~3 strains of it anyway, there are LOTS of strains of HPV).

Will have another look (didn't find it the first time) :)

Bloody hell! Hope that was just a mistype then

This is the thread
m.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1387482-Anyone-seen-the-new-MN-section-on-surviving-an-affair

And the section.
m.mumsnet.com/relationships/surviving-an-affair

Hi Seachange!
So sorry to hear about your setback, but also heartened by the fact your H is trying to make amends. I can relate to what you're feeling about it all coming to the surface again, after this. I had a similar health scare a couple of months ago, and again my H was mortified. Found out it was all OK after all, but for a few days I couldn't stop crying.

I am coming up to the magical 2 years WWIFN used to talk about (time it takes to get over affair). Now looking back, I can say it has been since July 2010 that we actually recommitted back into the relationship, a whole year from when I found out. Even though it was hard to watch, I felt that, my H did not properly detach himself emtionally from OW. But we are getting there, however painful it has been.
So give yourself time, as well as time to reflect on H's actions.

I don't know much about HSV, so I can't give advice. I do hope that you will get through the next few days, weeks, months as well as you have previously. As AF said, the shittiest revelations have been shittily revealed. You've been strong enough so far...

I still trawl and read MN on a regular basis but I'm not one to message much. I have to say I am so surprised ar the Affair thread -

Most of the really crap stuff has been removed from the "how to recover from an affair" MN advice

The worst thing was, it was presented as an amalgam of "all the best advice from the Relationship boards" with quotes from actual MN'ers scattered in

what piffle

Sea, thanks for the links :)

AF, I've been having a read and yes, most of the shitty things that were commented on have gone. It's like the 1% of "blamers" and "Keep the marriage together at all costs" posters all made the grade, while the 99% of sane supportive posters were mostly ignored! Glad to see at least one quote of WWIFN's is there though.

Hi Sheba - great to hear from you! Glad you're still around and working things out. Still think about everyone every so often - wonder how amiable is too?

Had a better day today :) MN working its magic

Think that affairs section does a disservice to the whole site :(

It's not true that HSV-2 is exclusively an STI. It is just likely to be much weaker if it is caught orally as HSV-2 can build itself a stronger hold in the ganglion at the base of the spine than at the top and vice versa. So people who get HSV-1 genitally tend to get far fewer symptoms far less often and vice versa for HSV-2 orally.

Blood tests can show if your HSV was a new infection or one that has lain dormant for a while, you can read more about it here labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/herpes/tab/test although I doubt you would get all of these on the NHS.

You do get people who are carriers and never get any symptoms, so it is possible that your H never got a cold sore orally or genitally and passed it on unknowingly. Vast majority of people will get an outbreak within first month of primary infection though.

hi girls

Really sorry to hear about your health problems seachange, that must be really hard for you to deal with. Hope you are fully recovered soon and that it doesn't reoccur.

It does sound like a difficult journey that you are all on, sea, tsl and sheba. I am in final stages of divorce now. I won't pretend it's been any easier, things are almost getting harder in some ways, as my anger has run out and I am just left with loneliness and regret. I am on a new path in my life career wise which has been very positive, but I still think in some ways I am in shock that this has happened to my family and I struggle when the kids stay over at my ex Hs.

I have managed to maintain the 'amicable' relationship that I was asking about all that time ago, but tbh it is a bit of a head fuck. It would be much easier to get over things if I never had to see him again, but of course we have shared care of children so that simply isn't possible. It's not that I want him back, I really don't, but I desperately miss being in a loving relationship / family (albeit that clearly things weren't ideal and that the 'loving' bit was maybe a bit of an illusion at the end. I can't bear that I will have to, at some point, give my kids over to whichever woman he deems fit to set up house with (I get the impression he is just screwing around at the moment), but no doubt at some point in the next few years he will live with someone, and I just feel very distressed about this (because of the children). I almost don't care about his affair(s), but what I will never forgive is his ultimate choice to destroy our family. I feel as if there has been a death, but everyone is standing around patting him on the head, because of course everyone is being decent with him because of the kids - which is what I have encouraged.

For various reasons I have been seeing more of him on a friendly basis of late, and I have realised (yet again) that I need to detach more from him again. I hate him for the choices he's made, and so it's too much of a headfuck to be his 'friend' on one hand, while he is still sleeping with god knows who, and living it up, while I am left struggling with depression and a life of loneliness stretching ahead of me.

Sorry, bit of a rant. Have been feeling crap about things again recently.

Anyway, I wish you girls luck on your recoveries xxx

Oh amicable, HUGE hugs :( I've always thought there's just no good options really. Either you work at it, and stay in a relationship with someone who managed to absolutely devastate you, with it never fully going away, or you make a break and are free to an extent, but then have to cope with rebuilding your life on your own with xH never really going away either . I'm so pleased that your career is going well though. And have you read Wisedupwoman's thread? Think she's in a great new relationship now. Can't pretend I don't daydream about not being married anymore - will try and remember that nothing is all roses really.

Eurostar thanks for the extra info. Not what my drs told me, but am prepared to accept they don't know everything! Guess will never really know exactly how it happened, which helps in not purposefully playing the blame game, but think the possibility of where it might have originated is enough to be very damaging :(

oh hello amicable

I remember you

I am sorry you are feeling low, and yes it does seem (sometimes) that the betrayer is the one who gets all the rewards of the shiny new life and the betrayed gets stuck with the shit

You are sensible to detach from him more thoroughly if you feel yourself getting too "close" again

Good luck with your new career move, you sound like things can only get better, eh ? AF x

Sea change I remember you. I have a lot of admiration for you, you know. I'd have chopped his nuts of by now and binned them after using them as Christmas ball balls.

Get well soon x

Hey amicable, sorry to hear you're having a tough time. I think being amicable is possibly a step too far for you - perhaps "downgrade" it a little to civil, instead of amicable. You don't need to be friends with him, just polite. That may help you to detach more from him - perhaps stop looking at him as your exH and consider him more just as the children's father (that may be too fine a distinction though, I don't know). I understand that you still hate him for his choices as well; but remember that hate and love are two sides of the same coin and both involve entirely too much emotion to be wasted on the loser who didn't care enough about you to stay faithful and keep your family together. Cultivate indifference - it is, IMO, the best way forward.

Thanks seachange, you are absolutely right. I genuinely hope that you can work things out x.

I can't even imagine being in a new relationship. I have an extremely low opinion of men. Tbh I now feel that it is probable that most men are unfaithful or will be, but some are just better at hiding it than others. It doesn't help reading the mumsnet relationship board, there are so many horror stories about violence and abuse etc that I am convinced if I ever did meet anyone in the future that they will be abusive. After all, if they are one of the 'good men', they wouldn't be my age and single would they?

Why is it men can just take their pick of tons of available young women and start again, but women are consigned to the rubbish heap, and can only take their pickings of the abusive bastards who are around.

It doesn't help that I was chatted up recently by some idiot who was married, abusive.

Sorry, am being a bit self pitying.

aww, if you wanna have a pity party, this is a safe place

Dear amicable, I remember reading your thread at the time and am so impressed and respectful of your class and intelligence dealing with what you've been through. It must be really hard to be going through the come down phase where all your adrenaline has gone and it feels empty. But I promise you there are so many women out there who have got through it and talk about how great their new lives and partners are and 'if you'd told me a year ago I'd be saying this I never would have believed you!' comes up ALL the time. We just don't see that much of them on a board like this because they don't need help anymore and probably don't want to gloat!

A good friend of mine and also a member of my family (in their 30s and 40s respectively) recently broke up from their husbands after much soul searching. These are lovely, decent, gorgeous men but the women had had their own mid life crises or affairs or whatever and it all came to an end. Any woman would be lucky to get together with these men. I'm not trying to say 'women are as bad as men' or that divorcees are the only option but I just want you to believe that it's not all the script we read here about abusers and cheating men. I swear it.

thanks thumbwitch, you are totally spot on about the love/hate thing. It's not that I want him back romantically, but I am aware that it is not healthy that he is moving into position of 'friend', because that's a nice safe place for him to be, having been my actual 'best friend' for 20 years. So it's so hard after that length of time, of what I thought was, at heart, a good relationship, to just cut him out completely. But actually when I had totally cut him out of my headspace a few months ago I think I was personally in a better place than I am now. It is no good for me to deny to myself that he actually has abandoned me, but is being 'nice' to assuage his guilt etc etc because it will break my heart again when this illusion of friendship disappears whenever he gets seriously involved with someone.

Thanks AF, I still lurk a lot, and enjoy reading your advice, I nearly PMd you the other day to say that I have spotted WWIFNs new guise, until I realised that a) you probably knew already b) I was a total sad no-life to be even considering such a thing!!!!

I need to get my head in the right place, just feel so alone at the moment. It is a very horrible thing to go from (the very lucky) position of having always been loved, to being very much unloved.

Ah thanks Vander, what a lovely thing to say. That is good to know re the decent men. Send one my way would you? (in a year or two). I do feel proud of the way both myself and the ex have dealt with our split in terms of the children, which ultimately is the most important thing x

Cor, I'm on a bit of a splurge fest today, sorry for the highjack seachange. It has really made me realise that maybe I need some counselling or something. I've kind of stopped talking with people in RL about this because it's all a bit 'last year', the drama has died down, and I'm sure they are sick of the subject, plus now it has moved on so much I feel a bit daft going on about it, but have been feeling really desperate to talk about this with someone. I nearly rang the samaritans yesterday just for a chat, but it doesn't seem the right place really. It is just such a huge adjustment for me, having been with ex-H since a pretty young age.

This is the thing. It has so many echoes with a bereavement.

So many bereaved people say that the friends/family support they got died away after the first year. Because you are supposed to be "moving on" by that stage aren't you ?

In this way, it is similar. Probably because you have been relatively strong and together, people think you don't need them so much any more. Tell them, amicable. Tell them you are having a dip, and need to talk it out.

Hi x so sorry you are having to go through this seawitch. I thought worth mentioning that in Egypt they sell tubes of Zovirax in proper sizes (not the farty ones we pay silly money for here!).. Like a tube of savlon size for £1.20! As well as many other medicines.....
A long way away I know but worth bearing in mind...

Good luck with everything x

Yes, sorry seachange, I am deeply sorry to hear of your bad news and I wish you all the best with your dignity dealing with it. I got an HPV from a boyfriend that resulted in years of dodgy smears that occasionally recur. It's a hassle but it's fine.

I would really recommend individual counselling, amicable (lovely to talk to you by the way). Having someone objective is invaluable and it gives a really good sense of weekly structure to emotional highs and lows. Please do, there's always someone nearby. I also really understand that after a while it's harder to talk to friends and family, they kind of think it's 'sorted' or you worry there's a compassion fatigue (!) setting in. But really I think this is when you need them most. Most people LOVE feeling needed and helpful, it helps them feel better about their own lives (witness everyone on these boards!) so don't discount friends too even though you may feel you've talked with then already. You can't expect yourself to be completely okay yet, this is normal. But I promise I can't tell you how many people I know who are going through similar. And sad as that is, I think there's a real shift in what the 'family unit' is and how many people there are making new friends and having new adventures well into what used to be called 'middle age'.

Good luck detaching. I bet you will be friends one day, but at the moment remember to think of yourself and your projects and your strength alone, of course it's raw right now. Knowing you don't want to be with him again romantically is a huge step, it's normal to grieve a loss like yours, it is a death, but you will have a whole other life to live. Let yourself go through it but know you will come out the other side.

Thanks so much for your kind and wise words vander, I have read them several times and they make a lot of sense. I am going to contact the GP tomorrow about counselling.