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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I over reacting?

38 replies

changer111 · 22/01/2012 15:48

I've name changed for this so please don't out me. I don't know where to start with this so it will probably come across as disjointed. Sorry

I was in an abusive relationship which was physically, verbally, emotionally and sexually abusive (he raped me. very hard to say). He got turned on seeing me upset/scared. Not nice.

We have a dc together and he has a son from a previous relationship. His relationship with his older son didn't feel right. I felt I couldn't question any of it though without being accused of being jealous and him getting very angry with me. Anyway he used to treat dss like he was his girlfriend, extremely tactile, always holding his hand and was still wiping his bum and washing him when he was 11 years old.

Anyway he often used to touch dc whenever he didn't have a nappy on in a way that just made me feel uncomfortable. He wouldn't stroke his willy but stroke all around it in a way that really made me think hang on a minute, what are you trying to do Confused. Btw he never changed his nappy ever, he did this when dc was nappyless if that makes sense.

I eventually left him due to the verbal and physical abuse which was getting worse and worse and he was doing it infront of dc.

I'm trying to keep contact in a contact center, and dc keeps telling me that his dad repeatedly tells him that he will be sleeping in dads bed at dads house. Also that he insists on shaking his willy for him even though dc doesn't want him to when he goes for a wee and said that he had sexy pants on.

I'll be honest, I've always been very worried about him subjecting dc to physical and emotional abuse which I know he will do given a chance. BUT what do you guys think about this?

I'm rapidly losing faith in the court system and I don't know what to do about this at all. I'm well aware about it coming across as yet another 'mad' over protective mother trying to prevent access to a 'loving' dad.

Help me :(

We have a

OP posts:
lolaflores · 22/01/2012 15:53

have u ever spoken to ex partner of ds1?

lolaflores · 22/01/2012 15:55

I really d on't know what to do. who do you go to with your suspicions.

lolaflores · 22/01/2012 15:56

by the way. I don't think you are over reacting. if you have witnessed it and it makes you uncomfortable then I think you need reassurance of some sort.

Original poster
changer111 · 22/01/2012 15:59

lola Only enough to know that although he lives with her she has a very difficult relationship with her son. He's very agressive with her and loves his dad even though he says his dad hits him. I think my ex has pretty much destroyed their relationship as he was always so awful to her infront of the son.

OP posts:
Original poster
changer111 · 22/01/2012 16:01

Sorry my spacebar is rubbish!
I could go to my solicitor but then what... something's not right but

OP posts:
neuroticmumof3 · 22/01/2012 16:05

Keep a diary of what dc says to you then take it to your solicitor. Listen to your gut instincts.

Milkandlotsofwineplease · 22/01/2012 16:06

changer You are NOT overreacting. What your DC has told you is incredibly worrying. I remember your other threads, and frankly the only contact your DC should be having with this man is NO contact at all.

I know this must be very hard to hear but all the evidence points towards your ex husband having a very unhealthy interest in children. His behaviour is utterly inappropriate. Telling your son his pants are 'sexy', and holding his willie for him against his will is, child abuse.It will damage your DC for life if it is allowed to continue for a second longer.
.
What your DC has told you needs to be reported to the appropriate authorities. Tell the contact centre, tell the police, tell everybody that you need to tell. You must do whatever it takes to keep your DC away from this man. He is vile, and dangerous and God only knows what could happen to your son whilst in his 'care'

Well done for getting away from him by the way. You are incredibly brave, and I am just so sorry that you, and your DC are having to go through such a dreadful ordeal.

CailinDana · 22/01/2012 16:06

To be honest I would do anything I could to keep a rapist away from my child. Could you speak to social services and tell them your concerns?

lolaflores · 22/01/2012 16:07

Childline? Just for some advice. I think it might be useful about the next steps. It does all sound freakish and deeply abnormal. So he only has contact with your child whilst supervised. Do you know anything about his own background? Was there any abuse there, mind you he is flagging up all the signals.

Original poster
changer111 · 22/01/2012 16:20

I'm really trying but no one seems to be listening and his solicitor has either been obstructive or has deliberately lied.. Its turning into a nightmare

He comes across as superdad to anyone on the outside and yes looking back he was always all over other peoples kids. Odd because he would do nothing but moan about them afterwards.

Lola its supported contact at a contact center. So big hall, lots of kids and lots of dads. I think his parents were pysically abusive, but not sure about anything else?

OP posts:
QuacksForDoughnuts · 22/01/2012 16:22

You are not overreacting! Even if there's no sexual motive, touching a child's 'bits' when the child is old enough to get themselves clean after the loo etc is creepy...

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 22/01/2012 16:27

Did you report it to the police when he raped you?

You have to write it all down, everything that you witnessed and everything DS has said. Then tell anyone and everyone everything.

How old is your DS now?

lolaflores · 22/01/2012 16:27

have you got a social worker involved due to the supervised contact?

KnockDiddyKnockKnock · 22/01/2012 16:40

No, you're not overreacting. What you've described is revolting.

Tell your solicitor. Tell whoever has authority during DS's contact at the centre. Anyone who might have influence - tell them what he's doing.

Original poster
changer111 · 22/01/2012 16:51

No SS didn't get involved as he didn't live with us and we moved away. I had a support worker from womansaid though.

Chippin No I didn't. It was quite regular and normalised its only in the last few months that I realised it was what it was ...jeeze i still don't like writing the word :(. I did tell my solicitor though and the support worker. He basically used to force me to have sex with him when I was on the floor crying from what he'd done or said.

I feel like everyone will think, well why didn't you say this before. They're right but it takes such a long time to fully compute what's going on. I spent so long dismissing everything in my head. I look back and I can't believe what he did and why I didn't leave sooner.

OP posts:
Milkandlotsofwineplease · 22/01/2012 17:04

Changer I am just so Sad to hear what you have been through.

The difference is that now it isn't just you saying it. Your DC is telling you these things, and I'm sure would also be able to tell the appropriate trained professionals if needs be. Your solicitor needs to know, the contact centre, your support worker, and (I would argue) the police.

How old is your DC? Is all his contact supervised? I'm assuming not if your ex is holding his willie (feel sick even typing that) and telling him he has sexy pants on.

ImperialBlether · 22/01/2012 17:04

What a vile man.

I would talk to the NSPCC about this and ask their advice. Your poor son and poor you, too. I'm sure they will be able to help you. I wouldn't want my child having a minute's contact with this disgusting man.

TimeForMeAndDD · 22/01/2012 17:13

I would go straight to the police. While other agencies are not listening or taking you seriously even more damage could be done. This needs to be stopped, now!

Original poster
changer111 · 22/01/2012 17:21

Its supported contact and he does it when he takes him to the toilet. Its all sone in a real sing song kind of way too. I know he'll react as though I'm mad and his solicitor will have a field day and I don't want to lose credibility for the other stuff if that makes sense Confused. But I can't just ignore it either, because it isn't normal stuff is it?

He's such a nasty manipulative person, I really am up against it :(

OP posts:
Milkandlotsofwineplease · 22/01/2012 17:36

You won't 'loose credibility' by telling people what this man is doing.

He will rely on you thinking that way, it enables him to carry on with what he is doing.

Personally I agree with timeforme I would go straight to the police. They will have to investigate. It's a child protection issue, and they can't ignore it.

I know you are scared OP, but you really do need to act. Your son is being damaged terribly by this. People will believe you, you are telling the truth, and you need to cling to that knowledge.

How old is your son?

TimeForMeAndDD · 22/01/2012 17:58

OP you will not lose credibility. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you sound defeated already. This is a very serious matter and you need to report it as a matter of urgency. Contact needs to be stopped until the matter is investigated. You are worried about losing credibility but this isn't about your credibility right now, this is about doing all you can to protect your child.

I can't help but think that your ex will be getting some kind of kick out of inappropriately touching your son while he is under supervised contact. I'm also not sure that as contact is supervised he should be taking him to the toilet himself. I recently worked in a contact centre and it was the support staff who took the children to the toilet so if I were you I would address this issue too.

Original poster
changer111 · 22/01/2012 18:37

I agree totally but I am terrified of contact being outside a contact center. If I lose credibility for the other allegations that is much more likely to happen.

So i don't know what to do. Try and get more concrete evidence that can't be minimised into nothing in court or go in all guns blazing and call the police.

All the dads were taking their own children to the toilet from what I can gather and the staff in supported contact centers are just volunteers.

I think i'll phone the nspcc and see what they say.

I do feel defeated and really scared

OP posts:
TimeForMeAndDD · 22/01/2012 18:51

Changer in situations like this you can't sit back and wait for concrete evidence. I dread to think what that 'concrete evidence' could be. You won't be going all gins blazing to the police, you will be reporting your concerns in order to protect your son. You already have evidence from what you witnessed with his own son.

In the contact centre I worked at there was employed staff who were supported by volunteers. We all received training and knew what to look out for and if a child needed to go to the toilet a member of staff would take them. Contact had to be supervised at all times and a parent was never left alone with the child for this reason. Allowing a parent to take a child to the toilet makes a mockery of the supervised contact imo.

I hope you receive good advice from the NSPCC.

ImperialBlether · 22/01/2012 21:16

Always remember that the lawyer who belittles you for this is one who, on another day, will try to get a man put in prison for doing the same thing.

He's playing a role; you do not see what he truly believes.

oldqueenie · 22/01/2012 21:37

you need to discuss this with your solicitor urgently. perhaps you could write down all the things that need to be said that concern you so that there is as much detail as possible and a comprehensive account. you can also get helpful advice from the NSPCC helpline, anonymously if you wish, on 0808 800 5000. good luck. you have done so well to get away from this horrible man but you need to be brave still to protect ds.