Am I over reacting?

[changer111]

I've name changed for this so please don't out me. I don't know where to start with this so it will probably come across as disjointed. Sorry

I was in an abusive relationship which was physically, verbally, emotionally and sexually abusive (he raped me. very hard to say). He got turned on seeing me upset/scared. Not nice.

We have a dc together and he has a son from a previous relationship. His relationship with his older son didn't feel right. I felt I couldn't question any of it though without being accused of being jealous and him getting very angry with me. Anyway he used to treat dss like he was his girlfriend, extremely tactile, always holding his hand and was still wiping his bum and washing him when he was 11 years old.

Anyway he often used to touch dc whenever he didn't have a nappy on in a way that just made me feel uncomfortable. He wouldn't stroke his willy but stroke all around it in a way that really made me think hang on a minute, what are you trying to do . Btw he never changed his nappy ever, he did this when dc was nappyless if that makes sense.

I eventually left him due to the verbal and physical abuse which was getting worse and worse and he was doing it infront of dc.

I'm trying to keep contact in a contact center, and dc keeps telling me that his dad repeatedly tells him that he will be sleeping in dads bed at dads house. Also that he insists on shaking his willy for him even though dc doesn't want him to when he goes for a wee and said that he had sexy pants on.

I'll be honest, I've always been very worried about him subjecting dc to physical and emotional abuse which I know he will do given a chance. BUT what do you guys think about this?

I'm rapidly losing faith in the court system and I don't know what to do about this at all. I'm well aware about it coming across as yet another 'mad' over protective mother trying to prevent access to a 'loving' dad.

Help me :(

We have a

I've phoned the NSPCC but no one was available so I'm going to phone back at 10pm
ImperialBlether I can't get my head round how they can do that. Defend someone so aggressively who they must know is lying.

Straight away to safeguarding children...phone social services immediately , don't question your DSS just tell them 9soc serv) what you have seen and what has been said, don't go to ex or any other adult except "officials", it will foul the trail for the investigation and might get him off because a witness has been led/introduced to the idea.

and you have posted on this type of thing before, and you MUST act now. Your ex won't know who made the allegation unless you talk to others. Just the suspicion is enough, what are you waiting for???

I did get through to them and they said I should definately report it. I haven't yet but I am going to.
Sorry its just extremely hard getting my head round it all and I need to be 100% sure I'm doing the right thing. I KNOW he's abusive in other ways but this is a really big deal.

His older son who's now 13 sleeps in bed with him when he stays over. How normal is that? I would have thought a 13 yr old boy would/should have his own bed by now?
Thanks

you are 100% sure. You just don't want it to be true, who would?

Please report now, the feelings, emotions and worries can wait, you can't wait for his observed perversions to become something definitely worse...and in fact I am sorry to say that he may also have crossed more lines than you have seen.

If he is relaxed about what you are seeing him do, then he does not have normal boundaries. i would be worried about sharing a bed too.

please do it now. it's the children who need protecting. believe me I can understand your emotional turmoil but this is one time when you need to put that to one side and do the right thing now. It's not going to get any easier for you if you wait. But the children could be protected NOW.

I would feel really uncomfortable about him say that his pants are 'sexy'. It's just not appropriate between an adult and a child. Someone used to do it to dd when she was about 10-11 and it used to send shivers. We stopped seeing them shortly after.

Thanks
Even the more I think about the way he used to touch him. If DS had been a girl it would have been totally unacceptable and very obviously so, but ex was a real alpha male type and DS was a boy so I just used to dismiss it in my mind that there was something wrong with me for thinking it... it was as though he was trying to arouse him IYSWIM.

yes we see. But have you reported it?? Please do, please please do.

I'm seeing my solicitor tomorrow and I will report it through the NSPCC.. I promise

great [thumbs up emoticon]

Cafcass officer?? Do you have one?

Hi
I reported it to NSPCC who contacted police.
Went to see police today and they basically said although it was bizzare and very inappropriate, it was just too grey and until a clear 'crime' is commited, that isn't open to interpretation, there's not much they can do :(
She did say though that if it was her she'd stop contact :(

you must see your solicitor and insist she takes this up in whatever way is appropriate... a detailed statement in the court proceedings / notifying any cafcass officer / applying to suspend or change contact and / or seeking a directions appointment before the court. if you dont air this within any proceedings know you will be at risk of being accused of making it up if it is brought up later.... be brave. good luck op.

Thanks queenie Seen solicitor already and she said to see what the cpu say. I'm phoning her tomorrow to let her know what they said so hopefully she'll back me in stopping contact atm. Already have a directions hearing listed as ex wants contact out of a contact center :(