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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH walked out

43 replies

peppajay · 22/01/2012 13:20

My DH has just packed a bag and walked out, after an argument over our daughters behaviour, I said to him "why don't you just leave, if you can't cope!!!". Obviously I said it in a heated argument and didnt mean it literally altho now I think about it I have no problems with the children when he is absent only when he is here which isn't often anyway as he stays out the way alot of the time.

He cannot cope with the chaos that goes with having children and my dd had a friend over last night and they were pushing the boundaries and playing up. He detests mess so when a child comes over to play he usually goes out coz he doesnt have to see the mess when but he came back early yesterday the state of the house, dolls and barbies everywhere as well as my dd's backchat he just flipped.

He bought the house and he works hard keeping a roof over our heads (fair enough) but he would like me to care as much about the house as I do about the children. He says they have no respect for anything. However they are only 4 and 2. I believe kids come first you can always tidy the house but he wants me to take a pride in our house and make them respect it.

Life is so much less stress free when he isnt home coz when he is home I am always on tenterhooks in case they touch a wall or open a cupboard!!! When he isnt here I have fun with the kids but is certainly a different more stressed environment when he is here

So should this be the end for us?

OP posts:
Alouisee · 22/01/2012 13:28

I don't think it "has" to be the end but if he wants to come back he needs therapy to leave his appalling hang ups behind.

I'm assuming that you don't live in a pigsty, just a family house that he would prefer to be a show house?

AnyFucker · 22/01/2012 13:31

Why did this man have kids then ? Did he think they were clean, sterile little dollies that would never have a mind and a voice of their own ?

What a stupid man

GypsyMoth · 22/01/2012 13:32

I can see both sides to this actually..... You need to find a way to meet in the middle.

Relate?

tribpot · 22/01/2012 13:34

I'm sure you realise from one post it's impossible to say whether your marriage can or should be saved. But from what you've written, it certainly doesn't seem as if your DH has attempted to accommodate the changes to expectations and surroundings that come from having young children. And being stressed about opening a cupboard is definitely not right.

The only other thing I'd observe is how often it's possible to read on MN of people being criticised by their spouses for not keeping the house immaculate - yet mysteriously the critic does shag all in the way of cleaning or tidying themselves.

To be quite honest, it sounds as if you would both be happier living apart, although if he's willing to sacrifice his relationship with his children for a pristine living room then he's a twunt.

Teeb · 22/01/2012 13:39

I think you need to sit down and work out what your expectations of one another are, and list what your priorities are too. Relationships are about give and take and compromise, so you need to discuss it really. Work out what is important for both of you and see if you are willing to implement those actions.

ChitChatInChaos · 22/01/2012 13:45

I believe kids come first you can always tidy the house but he wants me to take a pride in our house and make them respect it.

Why do you think these two things are mutually exclusive? Yes, kids make a mess, but if you don't teach them to tidy up a bit or that some things are out of bounds for playing then they will NEVER respect the house, and they do need to be taught to have respect for their surroundings.

At nursery they teach the children to put away one toy before they get another one out. Not an easy thing to learn, and my two are pretty crap at it (asm am I!) but I'm trying to teach them that, and get them to help me tidy their toys up rather than me tidying them up after they've gone to bed, and my 2DC are 4 and 2 as well. They are not permitted to play in the dining room, and woe betide them if they try to fossick around in the dining room cupboards - they are strictly out of bounds for them. Going into them is instant time out, no warnings.

After they eat they take their plate/bowl to the sink.

It shouldn't only be about playing and making a mess. If you make tidying up fun and a game, they'll actually enjoy that too. (Who can find 2 red things to put into this box? How many cars can you find, let's count them as they go into their box, etc)

Original poster
peppajay · 22/01/2012 13:46

He grew up in a very sterile environment where nothing was allowed to be touched and his mother is 100 times worse than him however his sister completely rebelled and lives in a total hovel but are kids are allowed to be kids. I grew up in a very tidy organised home and knew not to draw on the walls etc but somehow my parents seemed to get the balance right!!

I have mentioned therapy to him but he honestly sees nothing wrong as this is what he believes to be the norm and when he sees friends houses he is shocked and disgusted that they live like that!!! Currently we have paper plates on the floor and operation on the table and the playdoh has just been put away but the lunch time washing up still hasnt been done, and if he walked in now he would be angry as yet again I was putting the kids above the house. Usually on a sunday afternoon we go out as a family to the beach or a walk and is brilliant as they aren't in his space and they can run and play as much as they like and life is fab but within the confines of the house life sucks right now :.(

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/01/2012 13:52

He sounds like a controlling person, and his upbringing has influenced that

Does he say his upbringing was happy ? Because it appears he is taking those flawed views of what constitutes a normal childhood and a happy family home into the next generation and attempting to enforce it upon you and his own children.

He may dismiss therapy, but he certainly needs it, from what you have said.

Teeb · 22/01/2012 13:56

So he has always been like this? How were things before you had kids and were living together, who kept on top of the general housework?

I don't think you should have to pander to him and be on edge the whole time you are at home. Maybe if you tried to negotiate to containing the DC's mess to one room at a time, do you think he would be more comfortable with that? He does need to understand that where there were two adults living at home, there are now 4 people under one roof, who all need space to live and play and a house can't be immaculate 100% of the time.

FabbyChic · 22/01/2012 13:58

See I never allowed playdoh in my home, it is possible to have kids and have a tidy home, they only play with one thing at a time and when finished put it away before getting something else out, Id never have toys in the living room either.

Original poster
peppajay · 22/01/2012 14:00

He can not remember anything from his childhood because they never did anything no friends over, no days out so he has nothing to remember. It was having a friend to play at a weekend that highlighted it because my dd gets so over excited when people come over that she tends to misbehave and this particular child comes from a home which is always a complete mess so leaving her socks on the floor or dripping water on the floor when she has washed her hands is normal to her whereas to my kids they dont do this as they have been told not to and they respect that, so the mess was even worse this weekend. As we are generally clean and tidy people we dont have gatherings here with loads of kids as that would tip him over the edge so playdates are quite rare they are a big deal to my kids!!

OP posts:
ChitChatInChaos · 22/01/2012 14:01

Well that's not a mess!!! I didn't get that impression from your first post, sorry.

He really is OTT!!!

And Fabby, some people don't have a choice about toys in the living room. We don't have a separate playroom so their toys are in the living room. I certainly have no intention of sending them up to their upstairs bedroom to play with their toys.

BoneyBackJefferson · 22/01/2012 14:01

I wonder if there is a certain amount of undermining going on here.

he asks the children to put things away, the op says do it later.

and other small things that can build up.

Earlybird · 22/01/2012 14:06

Can you make some compromises?

As you know a tidy house is important to him, why not stick on telly for 30 minutes after lunch so dc are occupied and you can tidy the kitchen? Then you can get out the play dough etc and spend time with the dc.

I'd also think about doing what you can to 'contain' the mess to one area of the house - obviously depends on the size of your space. DD's 'mess' stays in her playroom mainly - and that space can be quite cluttered. But it is mostly contained there and not scattered all over the house.

Would your dh be able to relax more if 'mess' was only in one area?

TheCrackFox · 22/01/2012 14:11

Is there any particular reason why he can't tidy some of the mess himself?

OneHandFlapping · 22/01/2012 14:15

I don't see why your DH gets to go to work and come home to a spotless house every night, while you run round like a blue arsed fly trying to meet his ridiculous expectations.

If he doesn't like the mess, he can roll up his sleeves with a good grace, and get stuck into clearing up. I don't see why it's just your job. So what if he keeps the roof over your head. It doesn't excuse him from any domestic work.

Teeb · 22/01/2012 14:26

op, do you want your husband to come back? And possibly a difficult question, but how would you feel about living with the children in a smaller home that was affordable to you alone?

AnyFucker · 22/01/2012 14:28

precisely OHF

OP, I would be tempted to actually tell your H to stay away until a grip is obtained

unreasonableannie · 22/01/2012 14:31

to be fair its his house and his kids as well so he should have at least a 50% input into how things are going to be run

you both need to talk and set some guidelines that meet half way

CalamityKate · 22/01/2012 14:33

Ah, my DP and me are a bit like this.

He is anal about tidiness. I am, by nature, more slovenly relaxed.

Over the years we've learned to meet in the middle.

Without knowing exactly what your house looks like after a typical day, it's impossible to judge, really.

But, IMO, kids should be taught to:

Tidy up periodically throughout the day (put away one set of toys before another is brought out);
Take their own plates/cups to the kitchen;
Put their own clothes in the laundry bin as needed;
Put things in the rubbish bin.

Hattytown · 22/01/2012 14:36

Replay the row in your mind OP.

Did it seem to come out of nowhere and did it seem as though your H had created it and kept inflaming the situation?

In other words has he found an 'excuse' to leave, but was intending to leave all along? Could there be someone else?

Teeb · 22/01/2012 14:39

Hattytown I think the op pointed out he's always been very keen on having a clean and tidy house, and the scenario of another child at the home and the mess that two little ones can create got too much for him. In fact it was the op who suggested he leave, so I don't think from the info she has given it's about anything other than the living situation and expectations of each others role.

Showmethemhappyfeet · 22/01/2012 14:39

Why can't he tidy if he hates mess so much? Does he expect his tea on the table when he comes home too? If this man genuinely walked out over mess... That's insane!

Hattytown · 22/01/2012 14:51

Yes I know and I'd read the thread. It's because I have seen this situation play out time and time again and it's turned out that the 'row' was entirely engineered by one of the parties, to hide the real reasons for leaving......

Packing a bag and leaving, especially if the children were aware, is a spiteful and immature thing to do. It's also very sad that the OP has to ration children coming to the house, in case her husband kicks off.

Doha · 22/01/2012 15:09

well what about the effects of your DH's behaviour on the DC's
I was never allowed friends into play, out house was like a show house, every ornament was place at a paricular angle, every item of clothes ironed. One toy allowed out to be played with at a time and No messy paints etc. TV/music was limited. My mum was a neat freak, it was a standing joke with her family, my DF was a saint to put up with it.
My childhood was hell, scared to touch anything, scared to lose a piece of jigsaw and if l was to get my clother dirty......need l go on.
I have gone the opposite way with my DC's--my house is clean rarely tidy and very noisy with music and friends , it is a home!!!!
OP please think about your DC's in this, they may be young now but your DH's behaviour and attitude will be with them always.