Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH walked out

43 replies

peppajay · 22/01/2012 13:20

My DH has just packed a bag and walked out, after an argument over our daughters behaviour, I said to him "why don't you just leave, if you can't cope!!!". Obviously I said it in a heated argument and didnt mean it literally altho now I think about it I have no problems with the children when he is absent only when he is here which isn't often anyway as he stays out the way alot of the time.

He cannot cope with the chaos that goes with having children and my dd had a friend over last night and they were pushing the boundaries and playing up. He detests mess so when a child comes over to play he usually goes out coz he doesnt have to see the mess when but he came back early yesterday the state of the house, dolls and barbies everywhere as well as my dd's backchat he just flipped.

He bought the house and he works hard keeping a roof over our heads (fair enough) but he would like me to care as much about the house as I do about the children. He says they have no respect for anything. However they are only 4 and 2. I believe kids come first you can always tidy the house but he wants me to take a pride in our house and make them respect it.

Life is so much less stress free when he isnt home coz when he is home I am always on tenterhooks in case they touch a wall or open a cupboard!!! When he isnt here I have fun with the kids but is certainly a different more stressed environment when he is here

So should this be the end for us?

OP posts:
HandMini · 22/01/2012 15:18

Doha, well done for overcoming what sounds like a sad childhood. Your DCs will appreciate the freedoms you give them.

OP, as others have said, there is too little information in this one incident to know what you and your DH will end up doing, but may I ask if your house is big enough that your DH has some space to himself, ie, a study, shed, alcove with chair in, computer area?

CleopatrasAsp · 22/01/2012 16:24

The thing is though, everyone's different. My house as a child was always a mess and I hated it. I was embarrassed to bring friends home to play and I found it hard to relax in all the chaos. My own house isn't a show house by any means but it is tidy and not chaotic.

You need to reach a compromise with you DH OP. Yes, your children and their needs and happiness are important but so is your husband's too. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around him and he shouldn't have to come home to a tip if that makes him uncomfortable - not saying that he is mind. There is a happy medium and you need to find it between you.

Original poster
peppajay · 22/01/2012 19:46

Thanks for all your replies. He came back mid afternoon and apologized for over reacting but he explained it all to me and he walks in to mess and chaos and he actually feels like he is going to explode. He understands children need to play and make mess but that is why he deals with them and enjoys them totally differently out of the home, because the mess and chaos as well as fun and enjoyment is happening out of his own space. I must stress as well that household chores wise he does about 90% hoovering, dusting, washing up at weekends, and folding laundry. He likes everything done to perfection and today for the first time he has admitted that maybe there are issues and he is going to seek help

OP posts:
Original poster
peppajay · 22/01/2012 19:52

as he does not want to feel like this but his this explosive feeling just takes over and he cant control it, that is why he walked earlier or he says he would have completely exploded. I think because he does the majority of the housework which he insists on doing and enjoys he feels it is all in vain because within one mealtime there are crumbs on the floor again and his hoovering was a waste of time and he says he knows this is stupid but that is what his head is programmed to do and he doesnt know how to stop it!!

OP posts:
tribpot · 22/01/2012 19:58

Sounds like you've made some good progress this afternoon, peppajay. I wonder if it would help if you had an adults-only room, where he (and you!) could enjoy some space that wasn't constantly being trashed by little ones. It sounds as if he realises he needs to compromise on his wish to have pristine order (I know one childless friend who has the entire house perfectly maintained at all time, I dare not invite him to mine where a curtain pole fell down 3 years ago and I haven't got around to fixing it yet!) but a 'breathing space' might help to make it more manageable.

AnyFucker · 22/01/2012 21:00

that is sounding promising, peppa

he does need to realise he is perpetuating the same destructive pattern he was shown by his parents as a child

CinnabarRed · 22/01/2012 21:40

I know exactly how he feels because I'm the same, before children. Untidiness in any form makes me feel literally unbalanced - sort of dizzy. Oddly my childhood home wasn't particularly pristine, it's become more extreme as I've got older.

Children came as a huge shock to me. I couldn't get over how a baby could be perfectly contained inside a small womb for 9 months, get born, and suddenly need so much stuff cluttering the place up overnight. It contributed to my PND Blush.

I've had to adjust. Constant exposure to clutter has desensitised me somewhat. In fact, I even like having toyboxes in our living room because the toys get tidied away regularly and, of an evening, the toyboxes remind me that it's my boys' home too.

It also helped when I realised it was my problem, and therefore that control of it was in my hands.

Good luck to both of you OP. It can be overcome.

ImperialBlether · 22/01/2012 21:46

Is it your 4 year old that you said gives back chat? I wouldn't like that.

I think it's different if you are sitting there when they make the mess to if you come home and the whole house appears upside down.

I can see his point actually. He's doing a hell of a lot of housework at the weekend and comes home to find you sitting there in a complete mess. There isn't a need for that, is there? Surely you can put the lunch things away whilst the kids are playing and then encourage them to tidy up after themselves.

Kayano · 22/01/2012 21:57

Working hard to pay for everything and does 90% housework?!

Sorry but that sounds crazy unfair on him...

So you have play dates and have a lot
Of mess and leave it for him to get into. I would feel pretty stressed out too Confused

seaofyou · 22/01/2012 22:12

very OCDish...can you discuss dh sees a psychologist for this?

You need to desenstise dh ....slowly though as the anxiety is overwelming. Best to get a pro in to work through this with dh and give him coping strategies to deal with desening. Start with maybe photos of the living room after dd and her entire class has had a morning fun session at you house. Then introduce small mess for small amounts of time...Playdoh fab for thisGrin

I don't know how tbh you have gone this long with small children...when you say lose it what does dh do?

blackeyedsusan · 22/01/2012 22:36

can he have a child free, clutter free space say in your bedroom where he can unwind before facing the mess? (not always possible I know... )

AnyFucker · 22/01/2012 23:00

kayano OP said he does 90% of housework at the weekend

presumably because OP is otherwise busy with the dc's

and also because he seems to bloody anal about it, she will have long ago just let him get on with it

AnyFucker · 22/01/2012 23:00

so

dutchyoriginal · 23/01/2012 10:27

Agree with Anyfucker! Really hope he will go for counseling, OP. Yes to valueing your home and possessions, yes to teaching that to your children, no to denying your children playtime because that means toys on the floor for a couple of hours.

Original poster
peppajay · 23/01/2012 18:05

kayano - he does 90% of housework because he enjoys it and its how he chooses to spend his time when not at work. Of a weekend morning I would happily stay in and do the housework and he could take the kids out but he chooses to do the housework, rather than the kids!!!! He cleaned the bathroom this morning before work took him an hour and a half and everything sparkles, he had a choice of taking DS to his swimming lesson but he chose to clean the bathroom and it had only been done on Friday!! I do generally have the house up to gether when he gets back from work to my standard but not to is!!!

OP posts:
yellowutka · 23/01/2012 18:25

Yes, this is the crux of it, you both have two children and regardless of how you share labour, both your lives are altered by having those children.

AnyFucker · 23/01/2012 18:55

he has a problem

he is choosing housework over his dc

the more you say about this bloe, the more I think he has a mental health problem that he should seek help for

it will be out there for him, but he must fist admit to needing it

pointythings · 23/01/2012 21:24

He is choosing to do all that housework because when you do it, it isn't up to his standards. There are things I don't bother with any more because I don't meet my DH's standards and he will just do them again - the difference is that he knows this is unreasonable and so is fine with me handing those things over to him. Equally I do all laundry sorting and folding because his way of doing it drives me bonkers, so there's a lot of give and take. We both know that DCs bring mess, ours are now good at tidying and keeping tidy (ages 9 and 11 Smile) and we are getting there.

Your DH does sound quite extreme and OCD, and the good news is that you can do a lot to improve that, but he has to want to do it.

He's grown up in an environment where children (i.e. him as a child) weren't allowed to have any sort of impact on adults' lives - he needs help with that too, his expectations are just not reasonable. Perfectionism can be a mental health problem too, and it may be a component of his OCD tendencies.

I hope you and he can agree to him seeking out the help he needs so that you can all get on with enjoying family life.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page