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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he do that?

27 replies

Ihatehim · 22/01/2012 01:57

DH clearly hates me, he hurts me, pulls my hair, pins my arms, belittles me, but only occasionally, once every two years or so, the rest of the time he's a lovely man - I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihatehim · 22/01/2012 02:03

I don't think he likes woman, he tells me I'll never be as good as his dead mother.

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 22/01/2012 02:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ihatehim · 22/01/2012 02:06

I'd tell her he was unhinged & to get away.

OP posts:
Fromheaven · 22/01/2012 02:08

You do know what to do.
Maybe not how to do it...

Original poster
Ihatehim · 22/01/2012 02:09

But, we've been together seven years & it's happened four times - we have two children - I know - I know - I can't do this - I can't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihatehim · 22/01/2012 02:11

I don't want to.

OP posts:
izzyswinterwarmer · 22/01/2012 02:13

You don't want to leave him or you dont want to stay?

GashInTheAttic · 22/01/2012 02:14

You can.

But you sound very young.

Do you not have any family to go to for advice and help?

BadDayAtTheOrifice · 22/01/2012 02:15

He's very manipulating. He does the the amount of times he 'thinks' he can get away with it. The more times there's no repercussions for him, the more he'll do it.

BadDayAtTheOrifice · 22/01/2012 02:16

You need to go. I'm sorry.

Original poster
Ihatehim · 22/01/2012 02:23

I'm not young, I'm pushing fucking 40, I've been married before - I don't want to be doing this again.

OP posts:
BadDayAtTheOrifice · 22/01/2012 02:27

I'm so sorry he's doing this. You don't deserve it. Its shit that he's put you in this position.

Original poster
Ihatehim · 22/01/2012 02:30

I can't do it - I can't bear it from him - not him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihatehim · 22/01/2012 02:32

My first husband used to rape me - I hated him - I can't bear the fact my second husband may also be a shit - I CAN'T.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihatehim · 22/01/2012 02:34

So I ignore it when he behaves like this.

OP posts:
BadDayAtTheOrifice · 22/01/2012 02:36

You must feel so let down.
It sounds like you love him, but he's not who you thought he was.

BadDayAtTheOrifice · 22/01/2012 02:38

Its easier to ignore it and pretend its all OK but its not is it? And I bet he makes you feel bad more often than every 2 years, right?

BadDayAtTheOrifice · 22/01/2012 02:40

Please don't stay because he's not as shit as your first husband, you deserve better.

Original poster
Ihatehim · 22/01/2012 02:45

I do - I love & hate him

OP posts:
GColdtimer · 22/01/2012 06:20

Is this behaviour escalating? Is it happening with more frequency? And are you being really honest with yourself when you say he is lovely the rest of the time? have you got kids?

You sound very desperate.

mathanxiety · 22/01/2012 07:10

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247.

What is happening is not a reflection on you.
You are not a failure because you are being abused again.
What these two men have chosen to do to you is entirely out of your hands and beyond your control.

Really, when it is all boiled down, it is nothing personally to do with you at all. They would do it to anyone with a uterus who had the bad luck to get involved with them, probably using the same words and the same abusive behaviour no matter what their victim's name was, how she looked, how she acted.
They are playing out a script that keeps on rolling in their heads.
You just happen to be there getting it from both barrels.
They hate themselves more than they hate you, if it's any consolation -- but they are both incapable of loving you.
There is no point in staying.
They will not change.

Please start making plans to get to a safer place, you and your children, with the help of WA.

giagindi · 22/01/2012 07:52

Please read the thread 'for those who want to leave an abusive relationship.' lovely, I'm afraid this affects more than you this time - it will have an impact on your children too. What do you owe to them? The chance to grow up with a shot at a respectful, mutually fulfilling relationship? They won't get it if they grow up in the environment you describe :-(

lagrandissima · 22/01/2012 07:55

You can do it 'pushing forty'. You still have (fingers crossed) another 40 years ahead of you. You only get one life, don't live it in fear and stress.

He does indeed sound like a bit of a fruitcake. Change the locks, talk to the police.

BayPolar · 22/01/2012 08:44

Weird.

neuroticmumof3 · 22/01/2012 11:18

I bet he's not lovely the rest of the time. I would put money on there being other forms of control and coercion going on inbetween the physical assaults. I'm so sorry you're going through this but only you can make changes, he won't change his behaviour. Definitely ring women's aid.