Dh is hot headed. Advice

[pinkyp]

Dh is lovely, doesn't hit or say nasty things to me, looks after us and ds's well. The only problem is his temper! he is very hot headed. Sometimes he has alot of patience with the children but other times he looses it and will shout at ds's for misbehaving. I know we all shout at some point, I shout too but not like he does. I've tried mentioning it to him, he says he short tempered - he clearly is and always has been. Is there anything I can do to calm him down a bit? Btw I'm not scared if him or anything like that I'm just fed up if ds's being naughty/fighting with each other-dh telling them off-they continue and dh loosing his rag and shout at them, q tears etc

That should say "he says he isn't short tempered"

Assuming that he wouldn't lose his temper and shout at his boss then he's perfectly capable of controlling his temper when he wants to. Children are frustrating at times, but losing your temper with them sets a bad example and is immature.

Thanks for that advice :-/

DH can be like this. When he is I look at him, take the children an leave the room. He soon apologises and it's got a lot better

Hot headed
Short tempered
Loses his rag

He sounds horrible actually, your poor children. No, there's nothing YOU can do, he has to be the one to act on this. He does it because he can. He's a bit of a bully isn't he?

I agree that he can control it when he wants to otherwise like another poster said he would lose his temper with his boss.

I think what Attilla said is good advice. We all have our faults and people are different and I read somewhere that children should see that in real life people have limits and they will shout of they are pushed because it prepares them for real life. Unless of course this is happening all the time or the children are frightened.

My ds, not my dh, is like this and is learning some relaxation techniques. Is there any remote chance he could be persuaded to address the problem and learn to manage his temper a bit better?

Would it be possible to get a book really aimed at the dcs and leave it lying around in the hopes that he would read it too, or to ask him to work through the book with them in the hopes that he would pick up on some of the techniques himself. (I realise your dcs don't have temper issues but I can't think of any other indirect way of introducing the book).

Does he act so short tempered around other people like those in the outside world?. Bet you a crisp £5 note that he does not and if that is the case then he can control his anger. He is therefore taking his bile out on you and by turn the children; is this really what you want your children to learn about relationships?.

No, sadly there isn't anything you can do to calm him down, he's an adult, the only person who can change his behaviour is himself.

pinkyp - what do you want to hear? He can control it - he's choosing not to. He's a grown man taking out his own frustrations and ranting at kids because they're smaller and weaker than him. If he is 'losing it' as you describe he needs to make an effort to modify his behaviour. Children learn by example and he will be blighting their ability to deal with relationships.

Hi pinky is he hot tempered in all situations or just at home ? For example road rage, trolley rage in a supermarket queue?

Ranting and raving and frightening children isn't ok - we all feel guilty if we shout at the kids. I try my very best not to but am still occasionally unsuccessful. I then feel like shit for the rest of the day.

However I don't quite accept the wouldn't shout at your boss analogy. Your relationship with your kids is entirely different to the relationship you have with anyone else. Children can push your buttons like no-one else, their constant demands and pushing at boundaries can be utterly utterly exhausting. No-one else in your life would dream of taking that much from you.

I am neither a saint or a robot. I experience negative feelings and sometimes I express them. I actually think there's something slightly sinister about attempting to hide half the spectrum of human emotion from children. Sometimes people feel angry, especially if you continually do something to piss them off. That's real life.

However that is no reason to just sound off whenever you feel like it. There are things we can do to feel calmer and stay in control. As adults in charge of vulnerable youngsters we have a duty to do our best by them. And part of that is trying our damndest not to lose our tempers on a regular basis.

I would suggest that your husband could be trying harder perhaps.

The thing is 'shouting' can cover a multitude of different experiences, from a well-justified raising of the voice in response to outrageous behaviour, to abusive nasty shouting which is designed to intimidate.

In this situation, I would tell him you don't like it and say how you feel about it. I would also question who the tears are for, are the children crying as they don't like daddy shouting (in which case, that's bad and he needs to realise that) or is it because they are now the victims and getting lots of attention (as the whole scenario sounds like a bit of an attempt to wind him up).

It's fine to say, I know you are hot headed and always have been, but it's seriously affecting our quality of life with the children, I hate it, let alone them. Can you go out of the room if you are losing it/accept I'm going to challenge you on it/try harder not to get wound up?

See what he says, when you are a hot headed person (as I am), it can be about knocking the worst off a behaviour rather than totally changing character. I certainly shout at my two when they are being really awful, I know it's not the best solution but as makeyourown says, it is sometimes about them learning that even patient nice parents have limits.

And this analogy that if you don't shout at your boss or in shops, you shouldn't shout at your partner/children/family is just bizarre. Being at home isn't the same as being in the outside world, it's often precisely because you have had to behave 'perfectly' (or falsely) outside you feel tired, frustrated and grumpy at home on occasion. Not ideal, but worse to have to pretend constantly that you never get angry or that nothing disturbs you or to not allow yourself to get angry sometimes. Entire nations are 'shouty' (I know, I am married to someone from one of them).

Why do you think it's your responsibility to find a way to "calm him down" ?

It is his responsibility

If he denies there is a problem though, I am not sure what you do next

Bottom line: if he refuses to change then you have to decide whether it is bad enough to seriously consider whether or not you want to share your life with him

Yep , leave him.

Alternatively, you could sit down for a chat about your dc's behaviour,and what solutions you both feel happy with.

Two statements jump out at me. " I shout but not as much as Dh" - so you both shout. That means you are a shouty family.

"ds's being naughty/fighting with each other-dh telling them off-they continue and dh loosing his rag and shout at them, q tears etc" Your ds's are waiting to be shouted at before they stop the behaviour. So are the tears because they've been told off then?

I know what you mean about being worn down by it, we can slip into shouty family mode as 3 ds and worn out parents aren't a good combination, you just have to be aware and think about your actions from time to time then dredge the patience up from somewhere to deal with it differently.

boysrock, nobody said she should "leave him"

we should all of us be constantly re-evaluating our relationships in the light of obstacles/difficulties/new behaviours and attitudes coming to light

My question to pinky about her Dh losing his temper with others was an attempt for me at least to see if he has anger management issues in general or is he generally an even, calm person who gets on great with everyone apart from when he's in the home, the answer may help op decide on how to tackle the issue HER Dh has and make her family life more enjoyable IMO

Hardgoing - why would it be acceptable to rant at the people you care most about? I don't get that. I speak firmly to my boys, I even raise my voice sometimes, but I'm always in control. 'Loss of temper' = loss of control and that's not acceptable behaviour. Do people really want to give their children the message that if a situation isn't being resolved to your satisfaction the correct way to deal with it is to lose your temper and scream like a banshee? Then when their kids are teenagers they'll be wondering why they shout back and will be on this forum moaning about their 'problem teens'. You reap what you sow.

Forty I don't think anyone would say that it was perfectly fine to rant and shout at your children whenever you felt like it. And if you're one of those people that can always remain in control and never raise your voice above a certain level no matter how angry you are then I certainly take my hat off to you. I'd like some tips please!

But my point was that parents are human too. And I think probably 99.99999 % of us have lost our temper with our kids and shouted loudly at them at some point or another. It doesn't automatically make the parent a monster. It just means that a step back and a look at alternative ways of coping is in order.

It's hard from the op to get a real feel for the extent of the problem to be honest. It would depend a lot on what is being shouted for example. If it's a loud STOP IT! then that would be very different to a loud FUCKING STOP IT YOU LITTLE IDIOT wouldn't it.

I just don't think its very helpful to characterise anyone who sometimes shouts at their children as being abusive. Can you imagine how many women would log off feeling like the worst mothers alive? Heck, we all have bad days.

I thing 'losing temper' os what's at issue here. ie loss of control. :Like I said - I raise my voice sometimes - my kids might even say that I shout at them. But I don't take out my own frustrations on them if I can help it, and if I did I'd apologise to them afterwards. Maybe that's the real answer? OP's partner should admit that the failing is his and apologise to the kids?

I think there's a world of difference between being "hot headed" and "abusive".

My own father was "hot headed" and my sister and I both adored him. As did my Mum. Yes, he was quick to raise his voice, but he never said anything hurtful. And he would always calm down quickly and was the first to apologise after an arguement. Is this what you mean by hot headed OP?

I think the op has stomped off in a strop - which might tell us that there are two sides to every story