Dh is hot headed. Advice

[pinkyp]

Dh is lovely, doesn't hit or say nasty things to me, looks after us and ds's well. The only problem is his temper! he is very hot headed. Sometimes he has alot of patience with the children but other times he looses it and will shout at ds's for misbehaving. I know we all shout at some point, I shout too but not like he does. I've tried mentioning it to him, he says he short tempered - he clearly is and always has been. Is there anything I can do to calm him down a bit? Btw I'm not scared if him or anything like that I'm just fed up if ds's being naughty/fighting with each other-dh telling them off-they continue and dh loosing his rag and shout at them, q tears etc

Sorry not read all the replys yet best answer some q's before I forget!

He does loose his temper outside the home, not very often and only in situations where you would do it, eg when a reporter was hassling his gran for gossip when her husband died etc. He is naturally loud, loud talking etc so when he shouts it's loud for me and dc's but not his' loud shouting voice (he hasn't used that on us ever)

Haha no I didn't stomp off most of the posts I've read have made me feel 'normal'. So thank you .

I think it's part of who he is, hot headed. The children are warned stop it etc (by both of us) but chose to continue which is when they get shouted at.

I am very quiet, when I shout it's pathetic my ds (4) can shout louder. Maybe i'm just scared I'm not good enough mother that's my issue I need to address rather than the shouting. Thank you for all ur answers

Hey pinkyp don't be too hard on yourself! One of the best bits of parenting advice I had was 'Don't try to be perfect'. 'Good enough' is fine!

Thanks, why do I feel this I'm a crap mother feeling all the time and I must try harder? I remember at work I use to always expecting to be caught out and one day they'd realise i'm not actually good enough to work there!

Aw Pinky I think we all feel like that at times. Motherhood is just one big long guilt-trip I'm afraid. Guilt if we can't or don't want to breastfeed. Guilt if we need or want to go back to work. Guilt if we can't get them to eat their greens. The list goes on...

But the fact that you worry so much about your mothering goes to show what a good mum you are - because you obviously care so much! And like a poster said previously, being good enough is good enough. No-one does it perfectly all the time.

I didn't mean to sound dismissive about your concerns re your husbands shouting. If you're posting on here about it then it is obviously something that's really bothering you. You say you've mentioned it to him but have you properly sat down with him and explained how much you hate it and why? Have you suggested he actively look into ways in which he can control his expression of his angry feelings?

I also don't think you should dismiss your husband's shouting, have a frank talk with him about it and say you really don't like it, he may well be able to tweak his responses, and sometimes, calling someone on their undesirable behaviour helps motivate them to change (if I have been a bit grumpy and critical, my husband points this out and it does help take the edge off and remind me to be nice).

As for not feeling good enough, sounds like you are being critical of both your husband and yourself. What do you feel you are not getting right? You actually sound like a caring person who has quite high standards. Is it the discipline aspect you are worrying about, being in a shouty household (we are one too) or some other aspect of being a mother. Try to pin down what exactly makes you feel a bit rubbish rather than just concluding you are not that great, and also make a matching list of stuff that you ARE good at as a mother. We can't all be great at everything!

pinky you dont need to aspire to shouting, really you dont. a firm, calm, low tone voice is jsut as effective. think back to school and teachers who were respected by the children - were they the hysterical shouty ones??

what are you saying pinky, you wish you could shoult louder at your kids ?

listen to yoursel, love

you are right, he is wrong

I have a temper and don't often shout. However, it doesn't mean I don't get angry with the DS's every now and again. I find a deep breath to my belly and then a deep low scary Mrs Thatcher voice is just as effective for me venting and disciplining the boys. Also I do a fair bit of hissing and have smacked my own thigh now and again. I will also stalk off and leave a naughty crying DS to it rather than get them and myself all worked up.

If DH is kicking off in front of you with the kids, maybe you could subtly deal with him as you would with one of the DCs losing it. A "right now we all need to stop shouting and take a breath and anyone who can't needs to leave the room" could make him cop on to himself without making him feel "pulled up" when he is already mad. Also, tell him you don't like it in the calm aftermath, not when it's all getting shouty.

Ok think of it this way - if he shouts all the time at stupid trivial stuff then what will he do if they've done something really bad. If he sounds loud and angry about silly things like not tidying away toys, what will happen when he wants to raise a serious issue? Especially when they're older and yelling back at him.

He needs to control his behaviour and behave in calmer, more mature way.

I don't agree that it's good for children to see an adult get angry. That implies that shouting, getting worked up, saying things you don't mean are all normal and mature ways to deal with anger. They're not. Yes everyone gets angry now and again but mature people don't shout or rant they say "I'm angry because..." and explain themselves in a non-threatening way. The OP stated that the children end up in tears, which implies that they're upset by her DH's outbursts. No one has the right to drive another person to tears no matter how angry they are, and teaching children that that's the way you behave when you're annoyed is way off IMO - OP would you be happy if you saw one of your children shouting at another child in the playground while the other child cowered and cried? You have to model the behaviour you expect from your children. If you shout and rant, then you have to expect your children to shout and rant back at you.

Children sometimes cry because they have worked themselves up to a pitch of rage, usually because they want something they can't have. It doesn'talways mean they are being bullied by their parents.
Basically OP, talk to your H and see if he will agree to try and moderate his behaviour. If he thinks it's fine to throw tantrums because after all he is SPESHUL and should be indulged in his 'passionate nature' then you have a problem.

Thank you all for your advice, will speak to dh