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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Loveless relationship for sake of DC

38 replies

MyMascaraHasRun · 21/01/2012 21:55

We've been unhappy for some time. Since being pregnant with dc, everything has changed. He had changed and do have I, not for the better where our relationship is concerned.

We don't have sex, I don't find him attractive, he annoys the hell out of me and makes little effort at home. He is always working or sleeping or moaning about being tired or ill. I'm fed up. He doesn't tell me how he feels ever or talk about things.

Our dc has SN and I send my days trying to help him overcome it but DP just doesn't seem interested or willing to contribute more than is easy to him. I feel like I have another child. It is always a competition, he has to worker harder, sleep worse, be unwell, more tired than me.

I just feel like the only thing he really contributes is money ( which I could survive without) and he does play with dc at weekends when he's not busy, which dc adores.

I wanted to be with him for life, but now, life seems like a very long Romero be settling.

Am I crazy... Is this just the way it is?

I'm only 34... I don't want to split up for dcs sake and neither does dp (I think).

Where do we go from here? Feel like its getting to be an irreparable situation. We've both changed so much.

OP posts:
Vicky0790 · 21/01/2012 22:00

If you go out with or without dc do you feel closer?

Original poster
MyMascaraHasRun · 21/01/2012 22:01

No, tried that, have nothing to say to each other anymore. He talks about work, I talk about dc... Different planets.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyMascaraHasRun · 21/01/2012 22:03

He's literally turned into a knob, since his joined this latest company. Really working to excess and talking to me like I'm his subordinate... When we met I was senior to him, his career has taken off, which is fantastic but he's taken on an arrogant persona.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyMascaraHasRun · 21/01/2012 22:06

He's so critical of my decisions events ds, even though he takes no time to involve himself in ds therapy. The remarks he makes are ignorant and puerile and I resent him for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyMascaraHasRun · 21/01/2012 22:08

I guess there's not much hope once you give up trying...I'm very close to that point. Sometimes just think my life would be easier without him.

OP posts:
ElusiveCamel · 21/01/2012 22:08

I'd try counselling to see if it is repairable, but really I think loveless and/or unhealthy relationships are very damaging to children. Splitting up is painful for children, no getting away from that, but in the long run I think that exposing them to a poor relationship is never in their best interest.

Original poster
MyMascaraHasRun · 21/01/2012 22:09

I doubt he'll havt time for counselling...

OP posts:
cheesesarnie · 21/01/2012 22:20

tell him to bloody make time.sow him this thread

Original poster
MyMascaraHasRun · 21/01/2012 22:21

He just doesn't communicate and when he does it feels like he's clutching at straws... I think we are too different to understand each other, which is weird as I used to think we were so similar and understood each other.

Hate that I might have made a mistake and had a child with someone I can't live with.

Poor d, it's not fair on him, feel awful. If it wasn't for dc, I would have left hgrin already.

Why have made such a fuck up, I really thought we would make it, I really thought he was someone else. I guess he thought the same about me. We were different people, how can we have changed so much? I guess dc having SN has intensified things.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyMascaraHasRun · 21/01/2012 22:23

If I show his this tread, he will be kicked in the guts and we won't come back from the hurtful things I have said on here.

Does counselling actually work?

OP posts:
Original poster
MyMascaraHasRun · 21/01/2012 22:23

Sorry for all the typos, on my phone.

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Original poster
MyMascaraHasRun · 21/01/2012 22:26

Do most relationships have these dark periods but come out of them? How do we get past this?

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Original poster
MyMascaraHasRun · 21/01/2012 22:28

Even the fact that I'm talking to strangers on an Internet forum about my relationship, rather than talking to dp is a joke. Thing is I've lost faith in talking to him, it hasn't got us anywhere.

OP posts:
emptygirl · 21/01/2012 22:28

I feel for you, I too feel as you have described. My dd is 15 months and since she was born I can barely be around dp...everything he does irritates me, we've not had sex since dd was conceived, he works all of the time....and like you, I've given up trying and don't think I love him anymore at all....full of resentment etc....

It's such a sad and lonely place to be isn't it. Wanting the best for your child to have two parents in the house to grow up with, but knowing in your heart of hearts that you no longer love the person you are with, or can see yourself falling back in love with them......

The loveless marriage.....I today had an argument with my Mum, trying to tell her how unhappy I was, and she said that if you have kids together you should stay together whatever (unless there is abuse involved then of course you leave)......

It's easy for people to say "oh, well you just need to try harder"....

But if you don't love someone anymore, then you don't love them. And no amount of trying is going to change that.

I hope you can sort things out OP and the outcome is the best for everyone.

Good luck.

Lizzabadger · 21/01/2012 22:30

Couples counselling may or may not work but surely it's worth a try - what is there to lose?

Original poster
MyMascaraHasRun · 21/01/2012 22:30

I've always believed that when you have kids together, you make a lifelong commitment and stay together, but I honestly didn't think our relationship would disintegrate to this. Resentment is the word and I don't know how to get past it.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyMascaraHasRun · 21/01/2012 22:34

I guess I'm scared of having to be honest at counselling in case we can't fix things and he ends up hating me. I want us to remain on good terms for dc. I can't think of much positive to day about him right now, although I know there must be lots of things but my resentment is colouring everything.

OP posts:
emptygirl · 21/01/2012 22:34

"Hate that I might have made a mistake and had a child with someone I can't live with."

"Poor dh, it's not fair on him, feel awful. If it wasn't for dc, I would have left him already"

This is EXACTLY how I feel too OP. It's horrible isn't it. A horrible horrible feeling of guilt. Is he trying to be nice to you, trying to make things better? Mine is, makes it worse......some days I just want to scream "but I don't love you anymore,I appreciate you trying but please stop"...

Is your dh a decent guy? Have you spelt it out to him how unhappy you are?

JustHecate · 21/01/2012 22:35

Staying together 'for the children' is always a bad idea. For a start - they aren't stupid! They pick up on the atmosphere. An unhappy home is worse than two happy parents living apart.

Also, who do you think is your child's model for their own relationships? Do you want your children to have your marriage? (iyswim) It's not every child, obviously, but what was normal in their childhood plays a big part in their adult relationships.

Go to counselling. It may not work, but not talking has zero chance of working.

emptygirl · 21/01/2012 22:36

Why do you resent him so much? (again, I totally feel the same way). Is it because he doesn't help out with dc and works all of the time?

Original poster
MyMascaraHasRun · 21/01/2012 22:36

Dp is a decent guy and I have tried talking to him, but I'm sure our communication styles at the moment are very effective.

We can't seem to empathise with each other any more...major issue.

OP posts:
emptygirl · 21/01/2012 22:37

Many men will flatly refuse to go to counselling.

emptygirl · 21/01/2012 22:37

Is it a case of you think you aren't getting any support and he feels he isn't getting any support?

Original poster
MyMascaraHasRun · 21/01/2012 22:44

I think it's mainly because he takes no responsibility for dc, our home, or our life together. He only takes responsibility for his work and his hobbies.

He just let's me get on with all the stuff we have to do for dc, which is quite a lot because of SN. He also doesn't seem interested in the progress DC is making and the effort being put in. It's like he just doesn't believe dc has SN or he doesn't want to acknowledge it. He also constantly questions my decisions an approach when everyone can see how far dc has come and how brilliantly he is doing. Complete lack of support, I have not heard one positive comment about the benefits of dc therapy. I spend 6 hours a day doing it and it's working.

That makes me resent him the most. He is effectly leaving me to bring up out dc and overcome his SN... I thought he would try to be a part of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyMascaraHasRun · 21/01/2012 22:46

Yes we both probably feel completely unappreciated and unsupported for the efforts we are making ( in very different directions). I think you're right, that is what it is. Neither of us are capable of supporting the other as we are both struggling under the weight of our own responsibilities. We are not a team...

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