Loveless relationship for sake of DC

[MyMascaraHasRun]

We've been unhappy for some time. Since being pregnant with dc, everything has changed. He had changed and do have I, not for the better where our relationship is concerned.

We don't have sex, I don't find him attractive, he annoys the hell out of me and makes little effort at home. He is always working or sleeping or moaning about being tired or ill. I'm fed up. He doesn't tell me how he feels ever or talk about things.

Our dc has SN and I send my days trying to help him overcome it but DP just doesn't seem interested or willing to contribute more than is easy to him. I feel like I have another child. It is always a competition, he has to worker harder, sleep worse, be unwell, more tired than me.

I just feel like the only thing he really contributes is money ( which I could survive without) and he does play with dc at weekends when he's not busy, which dc adores.

I wanted to be with him for life, but now, life seems like a very long Romero be settling.

Am I crazy... Is this just the way it is?

I'm only 34... I don't want to split up for dcs sake and neither does dp (I think).

Where do we go from here? Feel like its getting to be an irreparable situation. We've both changed so much.

It's not that I think dc won't pick up on our relationship, it's just that I hope thins can get better and we can overcome our problems.

What do you do when you have lost respect for someone? I care about him but I don't respect him... He must feel that...

Hi, just been reading your post,.. god now how you feel,have been with my parnter 11 years and have a 6 year old but my god feel like my whole life is slipping away I now feel like a different person and dont really know how to change it, my little boy adores his dad but feel that he will be grown up before I know it and wonder what we will speak about as we dont COMMUNICATE just now, I just feel so sad my life is just not what I thought it would be and yet feel that I should be thankful as I know there is more people worsdt off than me x

Sounds like you want him to be more involved with DC and bond. Could you leave him with DC for a day or weekend, while you get away and have a break, give him a chance to experience your & DC life.

Mymascara, I am not sure that your marriage is loveless, but I am sure you are very very angry, and with good reason. I guess the question is whether you can find a way of expressing this anger, either directly to your husband or to someone else (counsellor) and let him know what the bottom line is, if you are to stay together. Does he know how angry you are? Does he know you are thinking of leaving/only staying for the children? By the way, you both sound exhausted (him tired and ill, you also competitively exhausted) -can you get some relief on a practical level as you both seem to be driving yourselves into the ground, and neither appreciating what the other one is bringing to the table.

Sometimes I read stories on MN and think 'god, nothing will solve that' but I don't think this about you, I think you want back the man you love (and currently hate), I hope you find him.

Its awful, but I sometimes think it would be better of he had an affair and left me as at least then he would feel it was his own doing and be less heartbroken. I think he does want to leave, like I do and we are making eachother unhappy but I don't think he wants to leave dc. Which is ironic as he doesn't see him during the week anyway because of work. He'd probably see him more if we split up, quality wise. He would never forgive me for leaving him and denying him the right to live with dc full time.

Thank you hardgoing that made me cry. You're right we have lost each other. Life has well and truely got in the way like a sledge hammer. Unfortunately, right now, I can't see anything but the sledge hammer. I will try to talk to him tomorrow.

Thank you for making me realise that actually we probably both feel the same but unable to reach out to each other. I feel calmer. Poor guy must be feeling as awful as I do right now :(

what hardgoing said. This sounds salvageable. You sound very angry, perhaps rightly so. But if you were both willing to go to counciling i think you could learn to fall back in love.

If he was prepared to be less selfish and make more of an effort you might have more respect for him. It amazes me that men think they can just dump the entire domestic responsibility onto women and still expect those women to want to have sex with them. Being treated like a combination of servant and mummy is not erotic in the least.

I have seen this scenario emerge before particularly where SN are involved, the man's response is that now they are the sole provider (as often the SN mean that plans for the woman to return to work are put on hold and their whole life becomes being a carer) and they start working ridiculous hours, and the poor woman then gets left in the house day in day out as a carer which stretches ahead, feeling more and more aggrieved at how her life has changed and his hasn't, and feeling more and more on her own and unsupported.

I am not excusing him, but I can see where he is coming from, as from between the lines, he seems to be working every day hardly seeing the kids, is having ill-health, exhaustion and tiredness. He needs to be told that this isn't the kind of support he needs to be offering. But you may also have to appreciate what he is offering, it's ok to say it's only 'money', but actually that enables you all to live.

The reason I don't think this is a servant type relationship is because he's good on weekends and a very involved dad (reading between the lines). If he is working 12 hour days in the week, and the OP is stuck at home with demanding children, then there isn't enough support to go round and everyone feels resentful.

I think you a) need to talk, with or without a counsellor b) get some more hands on deck (e.g. cleaner, babysitter, tell family you need a hand) and c) stop attacking each other and start working as a team who are going to crack this difficult life situation.

If you do all that, and he still doesn't step up to the plate, and remains emotionally remote/not supportive etc, fine, you have your answer. But he is giving out warning signals that he is struggling (competitive exhaustion) plus I think that he may well think he's giving a lot to the family, you need to show him exactly what you do need and how it needs to be different.

Hard going, that is exactly how it is. He does feel he is giving a lot and so do I but for some reason we take the sacrifices we are making, out on each other. He's really making an effort today as I was annoyed with him last night. Problem is, now his needs are being ignored, but I can't get him to articulate what it is he needs from me...

Mymascara I don't think this will be solved in a day. You might want someone to talk to, like a counsellor (perhaps on your own) to talk about how your life has changed since becoming a carer. Also, if you start from the more sympathetic perspctive EVEN if you think he's handling it all wrong, it will help you have discussions about how things change more to you working as a team and appreciating each other. But this won't be overnight. I don't know magic fixes for relationships unfortunately, but I do know that seemingly insoluable situations can change over time, especially if you both want that.