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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

kids saw porn ! - help

44 replies

pgpornstar · 18/01/2006 17:22

I came home from school run and mindlessly turned on the tv for the kids, porn was running- full blown action!!! i ran and turned off the tv, kids didn't see much but i am HORRIFIED!!!!!!!!!!
dp slept on sofa last night and i know he looks at porn and i don't really mind about it, i have told him before that under NO circumstances does porn ever go on the tv, if he wants to do that type of thing thats what his private laptop is for.

its happend before and we have been through arguments etc last time he was showing my dd something on his phone and something pornographic came up and he stopped it imediatly but i was well MAD at him but forgave him!!

this time it is the last straw, how can i trust him again? i am pg with his baby too

i am so paniced about social services making a visit too as if the kids saw enough to tell what it was and tell school, or their real dad that will be it!!

obviously i have changed my name for this and i am not a troll making this up for a laugh, i have been a regular poster for about a year now. i really could do with someones advice without the embarresment of calling my real life friend

OP posts:
Piffle · 18/01/2006 17:26

ummm how old are your kids?
Time for your other half to bin the porn - if teachers do find out kids have seen , they will generally report it.

Original poster
pgpornstar · 18/01/2006 17:28

kids are 7 and 9, am really hoping i turned it off quick enough and they don't realise what they saw

if i was a teacher i would report it too!

OP posts:
Hulababy · 18/01/2006 17:30

I think you really need to make DP know that this is really enough. One accident maybe - but two...he has to stop completely int he house if he can't be trusted not to ensure/guarantee the children will ever see it.

I'd be furious.

Original poster
pgpornstar · 18/01/2006 17:30

he's told me he is binning the porn before but then another incident happens! shall i tell him to move out?? am i going ott?

OP posts:
heavenis · 18/01/2006 17:32

Tell him to bin it and watch him do it.

Blu · 18/01/2006 17:32

He has porn on the tv, his laptop and his phone?
It does sound a bit inevtiable that the kids would come across it. I hope they didn't see too much, but they are old enough to clock what they did see.
Doubt ss would take a great interest in a one-off accidental exposure to porn,, but I thinhk you should seriously discuss with your dp the environment your kids are in.

Tortington · 18/01/2006 17:39

they would tell you to keep it in a locked place.

so
keep it in a locked place.

no biggy imo.

Original poster
pgpornstar · 18/01/2006 18:21

im just so mad as have told him before not to look at porn on the tv and he has.
he has said that he is gonna delete everything etc but even if he does make an effort- how can i be sure he won't slip up and next time, it will be a bigger mistake and kids will turn on the tv without me in the room or friends are round etc
just can't trust him anymore, seems the opinion here is to give him another chance, i am still unsure

OP posts:
Mytwopenceworth · 18/01/2006 18:28

i have an opinion, but i am unsure about posting it, how are you feeling right now?

PeachyClair · 18/01/2006 18:41

Personally?

Dh and I both agree that this just isn't on, if he can't be trusted then he has to go. Maybe give him a last chance, but then it has to be it.

In the words of DH 'It's up to him what he gets up to in his spare time, but if it affects the kids coz he's too lazy to clear up the evidence then it's dodgy'

kama · 18/01/2006 18:57

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amIbored · 18/01/2006 20:28

doesn't he realise how serious this is, i'd confiscate it and tell him he can have it back when he can be trusted and if the kids EVER find it again he's out on his ear

mojomummy · 18/01/2006 20:44

coming from a different angle here, why don't you mind if he looks at porn ? I've never had to deal with it, but I had a friend who got very distressed when she found out about her BF having it on his computer.

Sounds as though your DP watches it at every opportunity & doesn't mind who knows !

BonyM · 18/01/2006 20:50

I really cannot understand how anyone can be happy with their partner looking at porn. If it's something they indulge in together then fair enough, but I would be gutted/furious/devasted if I thought my dh was using porn.

Tbh, one of the reasons I left my 1st dh was that he would stay up half the night looking at porn on his computer.

Don't think it's a sign of healthy relationship tbh.

MeerkatsUnite · 19/01/2006 07:37

Do you think he has become addicted to porn?. This is quite a common problem these days especially with the internet making access to such material easier to obtain.

It is not going to be easy to sort out, counselling may help him if he is will to accept he has an issue re porn. If the will within him is not there to address the problem them him just binning the stuff and deleting everything won't cure the problem. He will eventually find another way to look at this.

BadgerBadger · 19/01/2006 10:53

I left my xH over similar. He viewed it on the pc whilst looking after our children, I found out and told him it just couldn't happen again. It happened again, several times before I found out, in fact.

I have involved the social services through our local surestart (family support team). He will soon be meeting with a male social worker who will reiterate all I have said. It's on a very informal basis but I know that unless I took this action, there would be some occasion in the future when he had the opportunity to do it again and would.

He's in total agreement to my involvement of the SS as sadly, he has no idea what made him jeapoardise his children, marriage and family life. He feels meeting with the SS is a positive step for all of us.

Don't feel afraid of seeking support.

HTH

anniemac · 19/01/2006 10:54

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BadgerBadger · 19/01/2006 10:54

...should add, for clarity's sake; he viewed it in close proximity to the children. He also stored extremely graphic material on the family pc.

anniemac · 19/01/2006 10:57

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BadgerBadger · 19/01/2006 11:02

annie, I would imagine the OP's partner never imagined the children would see it, just as my xH had convinced himself my children wouldn't.

As things stand and from what I can make out, my children have never actually seen it whereas the OP's have. Variations but not necessarily better or worse from the children's POV.

anniemac · 19/01/2006 11:08

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BadgerBadger · 19/01/2006 11:10

annie, is men looking at porn normal? That's up to the individual.
Is children looking at porn normal? No!

BadgerBadger · 19/01/2006 11:12

...I think that porn is something (regardless of whether it's normal or not) which belongs firmly in the adult world. If an adult chooses to view it, I feel it's extremely important that every effort is made to make sure children are not exposed to it.

anniemac · 19/01/2006 11:14

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geekgrrl · 19/01/2006 11:17

well, personally I'd say that parents splitting up must be a lot more harmful than the occasional glimpse of porn?
I'm not saying that it's not a v. bad thing, but bear in mind that there are other countries that are a lot more porn-ridden than the UK - in Germany for instance it's quite common to find a crotch-shot magazine at toddler height. TV magazines like the readio times equivalent routinely have huge-breasted women bursting out of skimpy tops on the cover.
Terrible, I know, but obviously people manage to grow up reasonably undamaged by the experience.

I'm fine about dh looking at porn occasionally (though I'd be a bit upset if it was a very frequent thing and he even had some on his mobile!), but would absolutely freak out if he was stupid/incosiderate enough to leave it somewhere where the children would find it. I would have words and probably completely ban porn. And then if that didn't work drag him to counselling.
But splitting up?!