Feeling so desperately suicidal

[karmathreefold]

Our second daughter was born sleeping 2.5 months ago. Our marriage was rocky well before then.

To start with we were closer together, then he seemed to go back to normal, but didn't want sex with me anymore, while I needed to feel loved.

Things have reached the point where I have scratched my arms, I feel so desolate.

I really, really hate him... because I've needed him, needed him so much, but whereas I spend every night crying my heart out on the sofa, he's in bed, saying that I'm nasty to him.. or if I do go to bed, and cry, he'll just ask why I'm crying... ffs... I shouldn't need to tell him, I just want to be held, for fucks sake I need to be held, and he never does.

I've tried talking to him, but he just puts it back to me.

The last few nights we've watched The Hostel trilogy - which is basically a horror, with lots of hot, naked women in... I just feel so defiled by it, him watching young nubile, naked flesh, when I've still got baby body, watching people being tortured to death, when we've just buried our child.

He's gone to bed, leaving me crying down here, and I feel like dying, I really do, I just don't want to be here, and his attitude makes it worse.

I kept going up there, telling him how I felt, and all he said was "get into bed, cause I'm watching TV & want to chill", and I admit it makes me so angry, because I feel so lonely.

In the end I told him I'd written over his facebook wall - two seconds later he's down here, as he worries about what his friends think... whilst I'm sitting there, crying hysterically... (I didn't write on his wall, but it showed me that he really doesn't care about me, his wife, the woman who gave birth to his child, who died, who nearly died herself, who wants & mises her baby, and all he fucking cares about is some fucking friends who he never bloody sees)...

I don't know what to do, I can't carry on like this, its torture, as if I was single I could get on with it, but with him here, I CRAVE some affection, some love...

Sorry for mistakes but I can hardly see the screen for tears

He's deactivated his facebook, he's not happy though.

My mum talked to him, and said that she thought we both needed counselling, and he refused saying that he hasn't got a problem!

As I said we were due to have bereavement counselling, but he seems to not want to go.

I think he's tracking my posts on another 'mums' site, which I don't say much.

I haven't thought much about Monday, I think I'll get my mum to come with me though

I have a feeling he likes making me sound worse (and the psychiatrist likes hearing his view on how I am, which worries me, as of course if I'm the problem, and I leave, he can convince them I'm not safe with DD1

are you happy with your psychiatrist, karma ?

if not, you can change him/her

I don't actually like the sound of that one

karma, have pm'ed you.

OK, thought I'd rant here again.

I did stay with mum for one night, but there isn't any room for me & DD1's cot at the moment (though mum is sorting that out - their house has been a perpetual building site, and now is the dumping ground of the builder).

Some of you (depending who reads this), know that my psychiatrist diagnosed me as severely depressed. My meds were adjusted to include a tiny dose of antidepressant; my mum was supposed to attend, but DH came, but only came in at the end. My psychiatrist explained to DH that my looking on swinging sites, was done when I was really ill, but he wouldn't listen, telling her he found me a "turn-off".

We'd not spoken since Monday night - barely a word, unless it related to DD1. As the week progressed I found it easier to not care... plus the depression meant I would take myself to bed for a few hours in the evening, leaving him with DD1.

Today I sent him an email, telling him how I feel. How I've needed him, how I've ached to be held, and wanted. How lonely I've been, how much I just want to be held... fuck it, I'm sitting here in tears again... no one has cuddled/hugged me since immediately after Tamsin's death - nearly 3 months, and I cry & I howl, and no one is there to put an arm around me... I so wish I could talk to my nan again, I was so close to her, I so want just to hear her voice, know that someone loves me.

So DH reads this email & comes to talk. He tells me that he's pissed off with me. He'd gone through all my old posts (from when we met), on twitter, when I'd expressed my doubts about us/things that had annoyed me... stupid of me I know, but FFS this was years ago.

Then he'd found out my username from another site (pre-MN), and read every post I'd made there - about the photos, holidays etc. He said I'd lied about him on the internet. That I'd made it all up.... Well truth is I didn't, and he can't deny it (everyone - even my psychiatrist knows about the holidays & I've saved the photos), but what he meant was I haven't got a passport yet, so me saying he went alone, is a lie, as I don't have a passport so couldn't have gone anyway!!!???

He didn't address my concerns, at all. Then I went to bed. He followed, lay there talking about what I wanted to do for my birthday next week. Then I cried, and he just lay there - no fucking arm around me, fuck all!

So I got my stuff to come downstairs, bawling my eyes out. He did tell me not to, but said I can't expect him to be nice to me, after the bullshit I've spread about him. That I've mentally abused him, that I can't admit I'm wrong, and that he's saved everything I've written & will print them off, so everyone will know what a bitch I am.

I'm really stuck here, all I fucking wanted was a cuddle. He told me he cuddled his ex when she had an abortion (she didn't know who the father was), yet he can't me, when OUR child died... And I so crave to be held, and I so, so badly want to hold my little girl. I'm looking at her photo now, I only had a few days in which to hold her... I feel so fucking alone and empty, I so wish it'd been me who died.

He also accused me of being offensive for having wanting sex since she died... I told him I'd wanted the physical closeness - he's now just said to me that he knows I just want to get pregnant again...

I'm so fucked up right now.

No, you are not fucked up, you are grieving and living with an abusive arse. Please, please stop begging him for hugs/comfort/sex. He is not the person to give them to you - I know it probably makes you feel closer to your DD2 because he is her father but it is damaging to you.

You have been through something terrible and you are in horrific pain but it will get better. Please hang in there, if only (at the moment) for your DD.

There are people on here who care about you and are worried about you. We may not be giving you physical hugs but try and feel the virtual care and comfort because it is there, it surrounds you like a forcefield. You Mum also loves you, this is something to hold on to. You need to get away from this man because he is stamping on your heart when it is already in pieces from bereavement. Please go to your Mum's as soon as possible and then go back to the doctors and take any help they give you. Don't give up darling, you are not alone.

I'm so sorry to hear you are having such a terrible time. It sounds to me like he's using anger to cope with his grief & blaming you for his feelings which he cannot cope with. However, no excuse - he's driving you mad. Please return to your mum's & get the support you need xxx

OP you are not fucked up. He is fucked up big time.

Your DD loves and needs you, she needs you well and strong, Please get away from this man who is doing serious damage to your mental health.

I really don't like him.

I'm so sorry to read your posts, OP. I have no experience in this whatsoever so the only advice I could give is for you to protect yourself emotionally from your husband right now, accept that he isn't going to give you what you need, and get some professional help from somebody you trust. Perhaps your GP could give you some other options not yet explored?

I think that a struggling relationship is teetering as it is and additional stresses just make it so much worse. I wouldn't say that your husband isn't grieving for your lost daughter but he's not able/willing to reach out to you and it sounds to me that his anger and emotional 'lashing out' is at his own grief and feelings of general anger towards you. I don't know what to think about the genitals picture, it's an odd thing to even suggest sending to a wife who presumably knows what they look like? The watching of horror films might be a distraction, different people read different things into gore and have differing levels of sensitivity about it.

I think that SGB and the other posters who've suggested that you focus on getting yourself 'well' and fit for the sorting out that's needed ahead, are vey wise. You can't force your husband to show feelings he doesn't have but you can protect yourself from the force of his disquiet - and you should, OP. For your own sake and that of your DD1. Get well, get your options straight in your head - and then, when you're ready - act.

Thinking of you and wishing you peace of mind and strength of will, in equal measures.

I echo what everyone else has said. You are not fucked up, you are going through normal feelings which come from losing someone you love very much.

You need to be living with someone who loves you and who will look after you. You have DD1, just take her and go to your mums as soon as you can.

You are torturing yourself by living with someone who can't give you what you need. Forget about your H for the moment and focus on getting through your grief.